Starting a new role soon and family is expecting "financial gifts"

[Anonymous]

You may want to read Nedra Glover Tawaab’s books on setting boundaries with family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my late 30s, single (dating in search of a long-term partner), and living in a medium cost of living city. I'm a first-generation grad and finally got a decent paying job (double the starting salary of my current role). My family and friends have been nothing but supportive of my career, as I've had a lot of setbacks (chronic medical issues and job loss twice in 3 years). I'm finally happy to get back on track, but unfortunately, I have debt (student loans, credit cards, etc.). I will be comfortable, but I plan on saving and paying down as much debt as possible. My oldest sibling is a single parent of 3, and the dad is not in the picture. She expects me to give her a "financial gift." Last year, I did tell her that I would pay for her oldest's SAT or ACT prep course. That's it. Also, my mom gifted me a laptop this year and said that it was my birthday and Christmas gift (which I'm 100% okay with). She let me know that she wants her money back. I explained to her that the laptop was a gift and typically gifts are not paid back. She makes more than I do currently but less than what I will make in my new role. I definitely do not want to be stingy or selfish, but I am not in a place to reach my financial goals and give money to people.

I want to put my foot down now and set the expectations and boundaries that I will not and cannot be their support system. Suggestions?

Feel for you OP.

Can we agree you’ve learned that your next promotion/step up is a personal matter not to be shared?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my late 30s, single (dating in search of a long-term partner), and living in a medium cost of living city. I'm a first-generation grad and finally got a decent paying job (double the starting salary of my current role). My family and friends have been nothing but supportive of my career, as I've had a lot of setbacks (chronic medical issues and job loss twice in 3 years). I'm finally happy to get back on track, but unfortunately, I have debt (student loans, credit cards, etc.). I will be comfortable, but I plan on saving and paying down as much debt as possible. My oldest sibling is a single parent of 3, and the dad is not in the picture. She expects me to give her a "financial gift." Last year, I did tell her that I would pay for her oldest's SAT or ACT prep course. That's it. Also, my mom gifted me a laptop this year and said that it was my birthday and Christmas gift (which I'm 100% okay with). She let me know that she wants her money back. I explained to her that the laptop was a gift and typically gifts are not paid back. She makes more than I do currently but less than what I will make in my new role. I definitely do not want to be stingy or selfish, but I am not in a place to reach my financial goals and give money to people.

I want to put my foot down now and set the expectations and boundaries that I will not and cannot be their support system. Suggestions?

Feel for you OP.

Can we agree you’ve learned that your next promotion/step up is a personal matter not to be shared?

Definitely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should tell your mom you will pay her back in four installments over the course of the next year. Interest free. Consider the interest your gift.

Give her a box of chocolates for Christmas.

as for your comment here "beauty maintenence and health expenses, things add up quickly."

what are these things? I get a haircut every two months. That's it. Really examine what you are spending money on and decide whether it is worth it. For example, manicures? Not worth it. Cut them short and put either no or zero polish on them. Painted or long or fake nails or viewed as tacky the higher you go up the career ladder. Elaborate nails are for support staff, not executives.

I'm a Black woman. Image is a bit different for us, unfortunately. I always wear natural nails, not long, but they are always painted (a work-appropriate color) since I'm a biter. If they aren't painted, then I'll bite them (sad, but true). My hair is always done professionally, which is $200 monthly. I've taken care of those things on my current salary with no issue. Health wise, due to my medical issues, I may splurge on massages, a gym membership, etc. I don't want to elaborate on what my health issues are so as not to out myself, but I need to have access to a few machines that aren't available in my apartment gym. Those are non negotiables for me.

Glad you are exercising, but the necessity of $200 hair and manicured nails are "thinking poor" mentalities. This is why AAs don't build wealth, even with the same salary.

[Anonymous]

I have a question. Why is image more important than taking care of your future by building wealth? What do you lose by not having this image?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop over sharing about money & your salary.

Pay your mother back & for your niece/nephews SAT. Your sisters poor life choices is not your problem or burden.

Stop w the gift giving you can’t afford and guilt gifting.

Also, stop talking about your career or work. I have never talked about my job or promotions with my extended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a question. Why is image more important than taking care of your future by building wealth? What do you lose by not having this image?

NP I’d argue that it is wise for a minority woman to take extra steps to present as professional looking in order to succeed in the workplace. She can’t build wealth with successful continued employment. A white or Asian woman can get away with looking dumpy and frumpy, it’s harder for an AA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a question. Why is image more important than taking care of your future by building wealth? What do you lose by not having this image?

NP I’d argue that it is wise for a minority woman to take extra steps to present as professional looking in order to succeed in the workplace. She can’t build wealth with successful continued employment. A white or Asian woman can get away with looking dumpy and frumpy, it’s harder for an AA.

Op here. I agree. Earlier in my career, I was given the advice to take pride in my appearance(naturally, I'm a plain Jane t-shirt and sneakers type), otherwise I wouldn't get far. This was advised from various people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - Khan Academy is free and is entirely adequate for SAT/ACT prep. Share the wisdom.

I am aware of this, but my niece needs in person Support for test prep, which is why I offered. Self study isn't the best option for her.

You seem great and ready to break some bad family habits, but you can’t afford $1000 test prep. You just can’t. More than therapy or help with boundaries, you need financial literacy. Find a book you trust and start learning. You won’t have as hard a time saying now when you REALLY know what you can and can’t afford.
I say this as someone who married a man whose family would have dragged him back to poverty if we hadn’t met. Personal finance isn’t something you just know about. It’s something you need to learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may want to read Nedra Glover Tawaab’s books on setting boundaries with family

This. LOVE her books. You can follow her on IG for tips too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - Khan Academy is free and is entirely adequate for SAT/ACT prep. Share the wisdom.

I am aware of this, but my niece needs in person Support for test prep, which is why I offered. Self study isn't the best option for her.

You seem great and ready to break some bad family habits, but you can’t afford $1000 test prep. You just can’t. More than therapy or help with boundaries, you need financial literacy. Find a book you trust and start learning. You won’t have as hard a time saying now when you REALLY know what you can and can’t afford.
I say this as someone who married a man whose family would have dragged him back to poverty if we hadn’t met. Personal finance isn’t something you just know about. It’s something you need to learn.

Any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You may want to read Nedra Glover Tawaab’s books on setting boundaries with family

This. LOVE her books. You can follow her on IG for tips too.

I'm a fan of hers! I'll check out the book. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you AA? This is common in the AA community, unfortunately, and there are a lot of reasons for that. I’m sorry OP.

I am.

As in AFRICAN AMERICAN or Asian American?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your only obligation is if a family member is going hungry or can't buy life saving medicine. No help to people who spend their money on alcohol, drugs, shopping, nails, hair or things like that.

Way to stereotype —-dayummm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - Khan Academy is free and is entirely adequate for SAT/ACT prep. Share the wisdom.

I am aware of this, but my niece needs in person Support for test prep, which is why I offered. Self study isn't the best option for her.

OP- You seem like someone who overfunctions and stabilizes your family.

It’s not your job to be your niece’s parent or your sister’s parent or your mom’s parent. You’ve probably received praise for being strong, smart, kind since you were a child (possibly taking on an emotional load or tasks as a child that were not are appropriate), which has come at the cost of self-abnegation. My guess is once you stop providing support you are treated as selfish and ungrateful. Even when other people take care of you, it’s wrapped in you taking care of you à la a new computer that you must pay back. There are no boundaries if you are expected to provide your salary. There may also be triangulation (you don’t help sister and she calls mom or vice versa), which keeps you stuck. This is dysfunctional and it’s not your fault and you can’t fix it. You can stop playing the role of family fixer.

The facts: You have a chronic illness, you have lost multiple jobs in as many years, and you have student loans as well as cc debt. The path you are on is not sustainable.

Your future:

Family Dysfunction and Health: If your current or future employer has an employee assistance program (free therapy, usually 5 sessions are free) you should use it. Talk to a third party about this with the goal to create better boundaries. You must take care of yourself mentally and physically, which means you can’t act as a parent to other adults.

SAT prep: your sister’s daughter: there may be some tuition remission programs for lower income kids. Look at those programs. Set a limit on what you can practically spend and stick to it. If other children need SAT prep your sister and mom can cover it in the future. And please pay the program directly like someone suggested.

Finances: This needs attention. Track your weekly and monthly spend as well as your annual spend from last year. See what you spend on and what you can cut or swap to save money. Create buckets for groceries and different spend items for the year, so you know what you can spend weekly and monthly. Pay down your highest interest credit card first and figure out how much you can pay towards then while paying at least the minimum on your student loans and funding your 401K to get at least some of your employer match. You must prioritize. You cannot go on vacation, buy new clothes, pay for SAT prep, live with no roommates, pay your mom for the computer, fund your retirement in a serious way, and pay off credit card debt at the same time. When will you pay off your cc debt? Set a goal. And figure out how much you need to pay every month to reach the goal. When you pay off your cc debt put the money towards your 401K and your highest interest student loan if you have multiple. When will you pay off your student loans? Set a goal. How much do you need to pay off annually and monthly to reach that goal?

If living alone is really important to you then that is your big me item. Not vacations and clothes and presents for your family.