Starting a new role soon and family is expecting "financial gifts"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should tell your mom you will pay her back in four installments over the course of the next year. Interest free. Consider the interest your gift.

Give her a box of chocolates for Christmas.

as for your comment here "beauty maintenence and health expenses, things add up quickly."

what are these things? I get a haircut every two months. That's it. Really examine what you are spending money on and decide whether it is worth it. For example, manicures? Not worth it. Cut them short and put either no or zero polish on them. Painted or long or fake nails or viewed as tacky the higher you go up the career ladder. Elaborate nails are for support staff, not executives.

I'm a Black woman. Image is a bit different for us, unfortunately. I always wear natural nails, not long, but they are always painted (a work-appropriate color) since I'm a biter. If they aren't painted, then I'll bite them (sad, but true). My hair is always done professionally, which is $200 monthly. I've taken care of those things on my current salary with no issue. Health wise, due to my medical issues, I may splurge on massages, a gym membership, etc. I don't want to elaborate on what my health issues are so as not to out myself, but I need to have access to a few machines that aren't available in my apartment gym. Those are non negotiables for me.

Glad you are exercising, but the necessity of $200 hair and manicured nails are "thinking poor" mentalities. This is why AAs don't build wealth, even with the same salary.

Respectfully may I ask your race and gender? Because if you’re a white man you are assessed differently in the workplace. Condoleeza Rice could never show up dressed like Mark Zuckerberg and be treated with the same deference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a question. Why is image more important than taking care of your future by building wealth? What do you lose by not having this image?

NP I’d argue that it is wise for a minority woman to take extra steps to present as professional looking in order to succeed in the workplace. She can’t build wealth with successful continued employment. A white or Asian woman can get away with looking dumpy and frumpy, it’s harder for an AA.

There are just as many frumpy AA women in the workplace as whites or Asians, and they are harder to fire. This is a rationalization.

[Anonymous]

Do not share your salary, your job title, your promotions, your new purchases, your vacation information. Nothing regarding money. Nothing.

I know you want to share, you are proud of yourself (you should be), and want them to be proud of you. But to them you are a bank. You cannot get ahead with your debt and other lifestyle wants if you allow them to cross this boundary, be co-dependent, and so emeshed.

I have BTDT. My two siblings constantly asked me for money. My mother asks me for money (a lot of money). In the past I helped them out of guilt, but it just never had an end in sight so I started saying no. There was anger on their part, but I have my own debt, my own kids, my own mortgage to pay. I work super hard. I had had enough.

I was very hurt by the way they treated me after I started saying no. But it showed me how they really viewed me . As $$$$$$.

It doesn't matter if it is cultural. You are under no obligation. Talk to your friends about your good fortunes, vacation, new job. Do not share with your family. It is what it is, you know it, It sucks but that's the deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a question. Why is image more important than taking care of your future by building wealth? What do you lose by not having this image?

NP I’d argue that it is wise for a minority woman to take extra steps to present as professional looking in order to succeed in the workplace. She can’t build wealth with successful continued employment. A white or Asian woman can get away with looking dumpy and frumpy, it’s harder for an AA.

There are just as many frumpy AA women in the workplace as whites or Asians, and they are harder to fire. This is a rationalization.

Are these women in high paying roles? Most likely not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you AA? This is common in the AA community, unfortunately, and there are a lot of reasons for that. I’m sorry OP.

I was thinking Hispanic

Op here, I'm African American. My ex is Hispanic and this is common in that culture as well. We'll never get ahead by helping people who can't or won't help themselves.

'

Troll post. OP later says that her family helped her financially through her job loss and medical issues.

[Anonymous]

She said support, that can be financial or emotional. OP is that your dilemma...you have to pay them back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you AA? This is common in the AA community, unfortunately, and there are a lot of reasons for that. I’m sorry OP.

I was thinking Hispanic

Op here, I'm African American. My ex is Hispanic and this is common in that culture as well. We'll never get ahead by helping people who can't or won't help themselves.

'

Troll post. OP later says that her family helped her financially through her job loss and medical issues.

I'm definitely not a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She said support, that can be financial or emotional. OP is that your dilemma...you have to pay them back?

Yes and that my sister is already expecting a handout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She said support, that can be financial or emotional. OP is that your dilemma...you have to pay them back?

Yes and that my sister is already expecting a handout.

Say no to your sister and niece then. You’re eating your niece needs in person SAT support and then saying your sister wants a handout. It you don’t want to provide the $ you need to drop the rope psychologically too.

[Anonymous]

I prepared for this

I asked them for their own bank account statements and records of credit card expenses for things they spend their money on.

So far they think that's a wildly intrusive request, even as they want my money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not share your salary, your job title, your promotions, your new purchases, your vacation information. Nothing regarding money. Nothing.

I know you want to share, you are proud of yourself (you should be), and want them to be proud of you. But to them you are a bank. You cannot get ahead with your debt and other lifestyle wants if you allow them to cross this boundary, be co-dependent, and so emeshed.

I have BTDT. My two siblings constantly asked me for money. My mother asks me for money (a lot of money). In the past I helped them out of guilt, but it just never had an end in sight so I started saying no. There was anger on their part, but I have my own debt, my own kids, my own mortgage to pay. I work super hard. I had had enough.

I was very hurt by the way they treated me after I started saying no. But it showed me how they really viewed me . As $$$$$$.

It doesn't matter if it is cultural. You are under no obligation. Talk to your friends about your good fortunes, vacation, new job. Do not share with your family. It is what it is, you know it, It sucks but that's the deal.

I had to stop sharing vacation photos on social media or in group texts to any of my in-laws, including MIL and FIL. Now they get nothing from me. Every time they saw pictures of us happy and enjoying what we've earned, they call with a handout and a sob story. Less sharing has helped lessen their requests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - Khan Academy is free and is entirely adequate for SAT/ACT prep. Share the wisdom.

I am aware of this, but my niece needs in person Support for test prep, which is why I offered. Self study isn't the best option for her.

You seem great and ready to break some bad family habits, but you can’t afford $1000 test prep. You just can’t. More than therapy or help with boundaries, you need financial literacy. Find a book you trust and start learning. You won’t have as hard a time saying now when you REALLY know what you can and can’t afford.
I say this as someone who married a man whose family would have dragged him back to poverty if we hadn’t met. Personal finance isn’t something you just know about. It’s something you need to learn.

Tell her to do the Khan Academy test prep course plus at least 3 full practice tests, then report back if she still wants to do test prep. For most people, Khan Academy is enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I prepared for this

I asked them for their own bank account statements and records of credit card expenses for things they spend their money on.

So far they think that's a wildly intrusive request, even as they want my money.

This is interesting, but I get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not share your salary, your job title, your promotions, your new purchases, your vacation information. Nothing regarding money. Nothing.

I know you want to share, you are proud of yourself (you should be), and want them to be proud of you. But to them you are a bank. You cannot get ahead with your debt and other lifestyle wants if you allow them to cross this boundary, be co-dependent, and so emeshed.

I have BTDT. My two siblings constantly asked me for money. My mother asks me for money (a lot of money). In the past I helped them out of guilt, but it just never had an end in sight so I started saying no. There was anger on their part, but I have my own debt, my own kids, my own mortgage to pay. I work super hard. I had had enough.

I was very hurt by the way they treated me after I started saying no. But it showed me how they really viewed me . As $$$$$$.

It doesn't matter if it is cultural. You are under no obligation. Talk to your friends about your good fortunes, vacation, new job. Do not share with your family. It is what it is, you know it, It sucks but that's the deal.

I had to stop sharing vacation photos on social media or in group texts to any of my in-laws, including MIL and FIL. Now they get nothing from me. Every time they saw pictures of us happy and enjoying what we've earned, they call with a handout and a sob story. Less sharing has helped lessen their requests.

OP here, I've luckily dwindled down on social media posting. Mostly because I've become more of a private person the older I get. Plus, as I've moved up the financial ladder, people have wondered how I've been able to do certain activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my late 30s, single (dating in search of a long-term partner), and living in a medium cost of living city. I'm a first-generation grad and finally got a decent paying job (double the starting salary of my current role). My family and friends have been nothing but supportive of my career, as I've had a lot of setbacks (chronic medical issues and job loss twice in 3 years). I'm finally happy to get back on track, but unfortunately, I have debt (student loans, credit cards, etc.). I will be comfortable, but I plan on saving and paying down as much debt as possible. My oldest sibling is a single parent of 3, and the dad is not in the picture. She expects me to give her a "financial gift." Last year, I did tell her that I would pay for her oldest's SAT or ACT prep course. That's it. Also, my mom gifted me a laptop this year and said that it was my birthday and Christmas gift (which I'm 100% okay with). She let me know that she wants her money back. I explained to her that the laptop was a gift and typically gifts are not paid back. She makes more than I do currently but less than what I will make in my new role. I definitely do not want to be stingy or selfish, but I am not in a place to reach my financial goals and give money to people.

I want to put my foot down now and set the expectations and boundaries that I will not and cannot be their support system. Suggestions?

Gift your mom the laptop money + a small gift back. Call it what it is - return of the laptop money, Christmas gift, birthday gift. Let her know that going forward you only will participate in a family Secret Santa with fixed price point.


Give what you promised your sister...but not more.

Also, looking at your family's financial situation, you may start putting away a small sum of money for your sister and mother each month, so if you are asked to give for a specific dire emergency you can do so. Don't tell them about this.

Live like a starving artist and pay off your debts. This means that you live with room-mates, cook all your meals yourself and buy work clothes from thrift stores.

Let them know that you are trying to dig yourself out of debt.

Hilarious that you are telling op to live like she's a starving artist but you expect her to save money for her sister and mother both who seem unreasonably entitled to the money she is making from her new job.

She's lost her job 2ce in 3 years. In this environment, it will happen again. No one has job security and she should be living like she's poor to deal with that, not to save money for fully functional adults who made life choices that made sure they stay poor.

Your mother didn't give you a birthday or Christmas gift. Do not give her gifts for either. Doing what she did is despicable. You don't asked to be paid for gifts. Awful.

Never talk money with them.

No more financial gifts for sister. You need to back up quickly when someone assumes they have dibs on your money.

You save money for yourself. Do not set up a fund for your family. That's insane. Go read about the crab pot mentality of poverty.

What you are suggesting is that OP cuts all ties with her family. Right? Is that what she wants? She is a single woman who has come from a not affluent family with dysfunction. Her own family has supported her through joblessness etc, and she has reached where she has reached through their support. If OP does not want to cut all ties with her family, then she needs to have some money set aside for dire situations when her family needs her help. My idea to have a secret fund in case her family asks her for money in dire situations is a good one. OP is not an orphan. She is a normal human being who does not hate her family.

She does need to return the money (or just the laptop) to her mom. Even if her mom makes more money than OP, the gift giving goes both ways. (Most probably mom will give OP's returned money to her daughter who has 3 kids.)
If OP wants to stop giving financial gifts to her family, then she needs to return the money /gifts they may have spent on her. Yes, it was a gift...but OP comes from a family that is expecting her to give financial gifts to them. She needs to return their gifts and only then can she stop giving money to them.

After that, she needs to live a life of frugality for some years so that she is free of all debt. OP needs to take some online lessons on how to do that, because her family training and culture is not conducive to financial freedom and prosperity.

This is illogical. OP can give reasonable presents to her family (not financial) for birthdays and holidays forward without returning every gift she’s received from them. Why would OP need to return every gift her mom gave her while her mom kept the gifts OP gave her? That’s not how normal relationships work.