Starting a new role soon and family is expecting "financial gifts"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not talk to them about money. Ever. Do not tell them how much you make, just say it’s enough to meet your needs. If you g on vacation do not tell them. Period. Stop involving them in your business.

Plenty of jobs have posted salaries. For instance I’m a fed and anyone can look up my salary. It used to make me feel unsafe and I did get requests for money because of that.

Op if you were in undergrad 20 years ago you must be 40 and need to be saving nonstop for your own retirement to catch up.

Yes, that is my plan personal and retirement savings, next to decreasing debt.

You need to be taking advantage of pre tax retirement savings asap, especially if your job offers any kind of matching. Also pay off highest-interest debt first. If appearance is important in your role, develop a “uniform” of a few good pieces ( can be thrifted!) that can be accessorized.

As PP said, get as much as possible “locked up” and if you talk about money (best avoided) only in the context of how the bump is getting eaten up by higher taxes, loan payments, “mandatory” retirement contributions etc.

After the above, build an emergency fund mainly for yourself. For your greedy sister, any gifts should be for the kids’ education. No cash ever.

I and my family are white and mostly financially secure but the greediness and entitlement still pop up…

Congratulations on your new job and best wishes on your journey to financial stability!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my late 30s, single (dating in search of a long-term partner), and living in a medium cost of living city. I'm a first-generation grad and finally got a decent paying job (double the starting salary of my current role). My family and friends have been nothing but supportive of my career, as I've had a lot of setbacks (chronic medical issues and job loss twice in 3 years). I'm finally happy to get back on track, but unfortunately, I have debt (student loans, credit cards, etc.). I will be comfortable, but I plan on saving and paying down as much debt as possible. My oldest sibling is a single parent of 3, and the dad is not in the picture. She expects me to give her a "financial gift." Last year, I did tell her that I would pay for her oldest's SAT or ACT prep course. That's it. Also, my mom gifted me a laptop this year and said that it was my birthday and Christmas gift (which I'm 100% okay with). She let me know that she wants her money back. I explained to her that the laptop was a gift and typically gifts are not paid back. She makes more than I do currently but less than what I will make in my new role. I definitely do not want to be stingy or selfish, but I am not in a place to reach my financial goals and give money to people.

I want to put my foot down now and set the expectations and boundaries that I will not and cannot be their support system. Suggestions?

This is exactly how poor people fail to build real wealth. UMC and UC typically don’t have these burdens because their families don’t expect anything. That said - if I were you I’d never brag or tell them how much you make. Tell them “yes, this is a nice bump that will help me to pay down the mountains of debt I acquired that my peers don’t have”. I wouldn’t do hand outs EVER. Sure pay for an SAT prep course or get mom a gift, but nothing expected. And if your mom want you to pay her back for a gift I’d do it and tell her “please don’t get me gifts that I need to pay back again. This is really uncomfortable for me”.

Most of those UMC and UC people's families started out poor. Attitude and willingness to defer gratification are the difference.

[Anonymous]

OP - Khan Academy is free and is entirely adequate for SAT/ACT prep. Share the wisdom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - Khan Academy is free and is entirely adequate for SAT/ACT prep. Share the wisdom.

I am aware of this, but my niece needs in person Support for test prep, which is why I offered. Self study isn't the best option for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not talk to them about money. Ever. Do not tell them how much you make, just say it’s enough to meet your needs. If you g on vacation do not tell them. Period. Stop involving them in your business.

Plenty of jobs have posted salaries. For instance I’m a fed and anyone can look up my salary. It used to make me feel unsafe and I did get requests for money because of that.

Op if you were in undergrad 20 years ago you must be 40 and need to be saving nonstop for your own retirement to catch up.

Yes, that is my plan personal and retirement savings, next to decreasing debt.

You need to be taking advantage of pre tax retirement savings asap, especially if your job offers any kind of matching. Also pay off highest-interest debt first. If appearance is important in your role, develop a “uniform” of a few good pieces ( can be thrifted!) that can be accessorized.

As PP said, get as much as possible “locked up” and if you talk about money (best avoided) only in the context of how the bump is getting eaten up by higher taxes, loan payments, “mandatory” retirement contributions etc.

After the above, build an emergency fund mainly for yourself. For your greedy sister, any gifts should be for the kids’ education. No cash ever.

I and my family are white and mostly financially secure but the greediness and entitlement still pop up…

Congratulations on your new job and best wishes on your journey to financial stability!

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

I think you should tell your mom you will pay her back in four installments over the course of the next year. Interest free. Consider the interest your gift.

Give her a box of chocolates for Christmas.

as for your comment here "beauty maintenence and health expenses, things add up quickly."

what are these things? I get a haircut every two months. That's it. Really examine what you are spending money on and decide whether it is worth it. For example, manicures? Not worth it. Cut them short and put either no or zero polish on them. Painted or long or fake nails or viewed as tacky the higher you go up the career ladder. Elaborate nails are for support staff, not executives.

[Anonymous]

Buff your nails.

[Anonymous]

Did they financially support you through medical issues and job losses?

There’s your answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should tell your mom you will pay her back in four installments over the course of the next year. Interest free. Consider the interest your gift.

Give her a box of chocolates for Christmas.

as for your comment here "beauty maintenence and health expenses, things add up quickly."

what are these things? I get a haircut every two months. That's it. Really examine what you are spending money on and decide whether it is worth it. For example, manicures? Not worth it. Cut them short and put either no or zero polish on them. Painted or long or fake nails or viewed as tacky the higher you go up the career ladder. Elaborate nails are for support staff, not executives.

I'm a Black woman. Image is a bit different for us, unfortunately. I always wear natural nails, not long, but they are always painted (a work-appropriate color) since I'm a biter. If they aren't painted, then I'll bite them (sad, but true). My hair is always done professionally, which is $200 monthly. I've taken care of those things on my current salary with no issue. Health wise, due to my medical issues, I may splurge on massages, a gym membership, etc. I don't want to elaborate on what my health issues are so as not to out myself, but I need to have access to a few machines that aren't available in my apartment gym. Those are non negotiables for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did they financially support you through medical issues and job losses?

There’s your answer.

Yes, my mom did(my stepmom and dad did too, but this isn't about them). However, there is a difference of requesting money when needed and utilizing the funds to stay out of a situation, versus my sister who does not make enough money and will be constantly asking for handouts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did they financially support you through medical issues and job losses?

There’s your answer.

Yes, my mom did(my stepmom and dad did too, but this isn't about them). However, there is a difference of requesting money when needed and utilizing the funds to stay out of a situation, versus my sister who does not make enough money and will be constantly asking for handouts.

You sound like you’re not on the most solid ground to draw those lines given you’ve leeched off people yourself.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. You are not alone. This is a thread from another website discussing this exact dynamic and how to lovingly set boundaries to protect yourself. It was immensely helpful for me to read through. https://www.lipstickalley.com/threads/i-have-something-to-say-to-you-high-wage-fonts.1932502/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. You are not alone. This is a thread from another website discussing this exact dynamic and how to lovingly set boundaries to protect yourself. It was immensely helpful for me to read through. https://www.lipstickalley.com/threads/i-have-something-to-say-to-you-high-wage-fonts.1932502/

Thank you! I appreciate this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you AA? This is common in the AA community, unfortunately, and there are a lot of reasons for that. I’m sorry OP.

I was thinking Hispanic

Op here, I'm African American. My ex is Hispanic and this is common in that culture as well. We'll never get ahead by helping people who can't or won't help themselves.

Traditional Asian cultures too. Have 3 coworkers (Korean, Vietnamese, and Chinese) who got completely financially screwed by greedy parents and inlaws. One ended up in foreclosure because he would not set boundaries.

I'm Asian and don't know anyone who leeches off more successful relatives. My Vietnamese husband does send money to his home country to distant relatives he's never met, but not more than he can afford, and they never ask rudely - it's just understood that a gesture from the diaspora is the right thing to do for the people who couldn't get out during the war. He put a niece through law school over there (much cheaper than here!).

However I can see how traditional family cultures - ie, MOST of the world! - would have a subset of entitled people who feel they can ask their wealthier relatives for money. It happens in Westernized (US and Europe) cultures as well, but perhaps not as frequently, since these cultures have more fractured family bonds.

Anyway. This is about boundaries and managing expectations. Put your own mask on, OP. Build up your wealth, and then you can play benevolent donor. We never helped any of our relatives when we were clawing our way up the ladder!!!

Really this behavior is RAMPANT among low income folks. That's how people never escape poverty. Bunch of people that drag them back into it.

the crab pot mentality

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should save for your mom's old age needs. My parents never expected me to help them, but they ran out of money with about 5 years more to live (both deceased now). I paid rent and other expenses for those years. You will not be able to say no then, so save now.

The other thing I did was rent a beach condo for everyone every summer. We ate in and took turns cooking, but it was appreciated.

Op is not in a sense financially stable. Who are you people spending her money?