Starting a new role soon and family is expecting "financial gifts"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my late 30s, single (dating in search of a long-term partner), and living in a medium cost of living city. I'm a first-generation grad and finally got a decent paying job (double the starting salary of my current role). My family and friends have been nothing but supportive of my career, as I've had a lot of setbacks (chronic medical issues and job loss twice in 3 years). I'm finally happy to get back on track, but unfortunately, I have debt (student loans, credit cards, etc.). I will be comfortable, but I plan on saving and paying down as much debt as possible. My oldest sibling is a single parent of 3, and the dad is not in the picture. She expects me to give her a "financial gift." Last year, I did tell her that I would pay for her oldest's SAT or ACT prep course. That's it. Also, my mom gifted me a laptop this year and said that it was my birthday and Christmas gift (which I'm 100% okay with). She let me know that she wants her money back. I explained to her that the laptop was a gift and typically gifts are not paid back. She makes more than I do currently but less than what I will make in my new role. I definitely do not want to be stingy or selfish, but I am not in a place to reach my financial goals and give money to people.

I want to put my foot down now and set the expectations and boundaries that I will not and cannot be their support system. Suggestions?

Gift your mom the laptop money + a small gift back. Call it what it is - return of the laptop money, Christmas gift, birthday gift. Let her know that going forward you only will participate in a family Secret Santa with fixed price point.


Give what you promised your sister...but not more.

Also, looking at your family's financial situation, you may start putting away a small sum of money for your sister and mother each month, so if you are asked to give for a specific dire emergency you can do so. Don't tell them about this.

Live like a starving artist and pay off your debts. This means that you live with room-mates, cook all your meals yourself and buy work clothes from thrift stores.

Let them know that you are trying to dig yourself out of debt.

Hilarious that you are telling op to live like she's a starving artist but you expect her to save money for her sister and mother both who seem unreasonably entitled to the money she is making from her new job.

She's lost her job 2ce in 3 years. In this environment, it will happen again. No one has job security and she should be living like she's poor to deal with that, not to save money for fully functional adults who made life choices that made sure they stay poor.

Your mother didn't give you a birthday or Christmas gift. Do not give her gifts for either. Doing what she did is despicable. You don't asked to be paid for gifts. Awful.

Never talk money with them.

No more financial gifts for sister. You need to back up quickly when someone assumes they have dibs on your money.

You save money for yourself. Do not set up a fund for your family. That's insane. Go read about the crab pot mentality of poverty.

What you are suggesting is that OP cuts all ties with her family. Right? Is that what she wants? She is a single woman who has come from a not affluent family with dysfunction. Her own family has supported her through joblessness etc, and she has reached where she has reached through their support. If OP does not want to cut all ties with her family, then she needs to have some money set aside for dire situations when her family needs her help. My idea to have a secret fund in case her family asks her for money in dire situations is a good one. OP is not an orphan. She is a normal human being who does not hate her family.

She does need to return the money (or just the laptop) to her mom. Even if her mom makes more money than OP, the gift giving goes both ways. (Most probably mom will give OP's returned money to her daughter who has 3 kids.)
If OP wants to stop giving financial gifts to her family, then she needs to return the money /gifts they may have spent on her. Yes, it was a gift...but OP comes from a family that is expecting her to give financial gifts to them. She needs to return their gifts and only then can she stop giving money to them.

After that, she needs to live a life of frugality for some years so that she is free of all debt. OP needs to take some online lessons on how to do that, because her family training and culture is not conducive to financial freedom and prosperity.

[Anonymous]

So it’s an incredible waste of money to sign up for an SAT or ACT tutoring service. Khan Academy is free and there are other free options. The only thing a $2000 SAT tutoring service does is make your unmotivated child sit there and do it.

For the demand from your mother to pay her back for the gift she gave you, you should see if she did indeed spend $1000 for it. It very well could be a $300-$500 on sale or close out or fenced item. Honestly, I would tell her that you are shocked she is asking for a gift reimbursement and to in the future not get you gifts. Personally, I wouldn’t refund her but if you do don’t do it without receipts. I’d bet she is padding the amount to hand over more money to your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you AA? This is common in the AA community, unfortunately, and there are a lot of reasons for that. I’m sorry OP.

Alcoholics have established behaviors but never heard of this?

African-American, not Alcoholics Anonymous

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you AA? This is common in the AA community, unfortunately, and there are a lot of reasons for that. I’m sorry OP.

Alcoholics have established behaviors but never heard of this?

African-American, not Alcoholics Anonymous

😩

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my late 30s, single (dating in search of a long-term partner), and living in a medium cost of living city. I'm a first-generation grad and finally got a decent paying job (double the starting salary of my current role). My family and friends have been nothing but supportive of my career, as I've had a lot of setbacks (chronic medical issues and job loss twice in 3 years). I'm finally happy to get back on track, but unfortunately, I have debt (student loans, credit cards, etc.). I will be comfortable, but I plan on saving and paying down as much debt as possible. My oldest sibling is a single parent of 3, and the dad is not in the picture. She expects me to give her a "financial gift." Last year, I did tell her that I would pay for her oldest's SAT or ACT prep course. That's it. Also, my mom gifted me a laptop this year and said that it was my birthday and Christmas gift (which I'm 100% okay with). She let me know that she wants her money back. I explained to her that the laptop was a gift and typically gifts are not paid back. She makes more than I do currently but less than what I will make in my new role. I definitely do not want to be stingy or selfish, but I am not in a place to reach my financial goals and give money to people.

I want to put my foot down now and set the expectations and boundaries that I will not and cannot be their support system. Suggestions?

Gift your mom the laptop money + a small gift back. Call it what it is - return of the laptop money, Christmas gift, birthday gift. Let her know that going forward you only will participate in a family Secret Santa with fixed price point.

Give what you promised your sister...but not more.

Also, looking at your family's financial situation, you may start putting away a small sum of money for your sister and mother each month, so if you are asked to give for a specific dire emergency you can do so. Don't tell them about this.

Live like a starving artist and pay off your debts. This means that you live with room-mates, cook all your meals yourself and buy work clothes from thrift stores.

Let them know that you are trying to dig yourself out of debt.

I agree with this advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to tie up your money so that it's hard for them to pressure you for. Pay down your debts. Put money in a 401k and then you can use it when you're ready to buy a home. Keep your lifestyle very un-flashy to the extent they can see it. When anyone asks you for money, direct them to other relatives.

yes to this as well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you AA? This is common in the AA community, unfortunately, and there are a lot of reasons for that. I’m sorry OP.

I was thinking Hispanic

Op here, I'm African American. My ex is Hispanic and this is common in that culture as well. We'll never get ahead by helping people who can't or won't help themselves.

Traditional Asian cultures too. Have 3 coworkers (Korean, Vietnamese, and Chinese) who got completely financially screwed by greedy parents and inlaws. One ended up in foreclosure because he would not set boundaries.

I'm Asian and don't know anyone who leeches off more successful relatives. My Vietnamese husband does send money to his home country to distant relatives he's never met, but not more than he can afford, and they never ask rudely - it's just understood that a gesture from the diaspora is the right thing to do for the people who couldn't get out during the war. He put a niece through law school over there (much cheaper than here!).

However I can see how traditional family cultures - ie, MOST of the world! - would have a subset of entitled people who feel they can ask their wealthier relatives for money. It happens in Westernized (US and Europe) cultures as well, but perhaps not as frequently, since these cultures have more fractured family bonds.

Anyway. This is about boundaries and managing expectations. Put your own mask on, OP. Build up your wealth, and then you can play benevolent donor. We never helped any of our relatives when we were clawing our way up the ladder!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For sister, how do you know she expects a financial gift? Did she ask/tell you?

Yes, this was a conversation yesterday. She said hopefully you can give us a gift when you start your new job.

If you had said you would pay for SAT/ACT then you should follow-through for on your words. Then just don't talk about $ with your family again! Keep telling them how poor you are due to this and that; don't tell them how much you make in the future.

[Anonymous]

Buy Dave Ramsey's book. It seems like you live well above your means to have 2-3 years to pay off debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you AA? This is common in the AA community, unfortunately, and there are a lot of reasons for that. I’m sorry OP.

I was thinking Hispanic

Op here, I'm African American. My ex is Hispanic and this is common in that culture as well. We'll never get ahead by helping people who can't or won't help themselves.

Traditional Asian cultures too. Have 3 coworkers (Korean, Vietnamese, and Chinese) who got completely financially screwed by greedy parents and inlaws. One ended up in foreclosure because he would not set boundaries.

I'm Asian and don't know anyone who leeches off more successful relatives. My Vietnamese husband does send money to his home country to distant relatives he's never met, but not more than he can afford, and they never ask rudely - it's just understood that a gesture from the diaspora is the right thing to do for the people who couldn't get out during the war. He put a niece through law school over there (much cheaper than here!).

However I can see how traditional family cultures - ie, MOST of the world! - would have a subset of entitled people who feel they can ask their wealthier relatives for money. It happens in Westernized (US and Europe) cultures as well, but perhaps not as frequently, since these cultures have more fractured family bonds.

Anyway. This is about boundaries and managing expectations. Put your own mask on, OP. Build up your wealth, and then you can play benevolent donor. We never helped any of our relatives when we were clawing our way up the ladder!!!

Really this behavior is RAMPANT among low income folks. That's how people never escape poverty. Bunch of people that drag them back into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you AA? This is common in the AA community, unfortunately, and there are a lot of reasons for that. I’m sorry OP.

I was thinking Hispanic

Op here, I'm African American. My ex is Hispanic and this is common in that culture as well. We'll never get ahead by helping people who can't or won't help themselves.

Traditional Asian cultures too. Have 3 coworkers (Korean, Vietnamese, and Chinese) who got completely financially screwed by greedy parents and inlaws. One ended up in foreclosure because he would not set boundaries.

I'm Asian and don't know anyone who leeches off more successful relatives. My Vietnamese husband does send money to his home country to distant relatives he's never met, but not more than he can afford, and they never ask rudely - it's just understood that a gesture from the diaspora is the right thing to do for the people who couldn't get out during the war. He put a niece through law school over there (much cheaper than here!).

However I can see how traditional family cultures - ie, MOST of the world! - would have a subset of entitled people who feel they can ask their wealthier relatives for money. It happens in Westernized (US and Europe) cultures as well, but perhaps not as frequently, since these cultures have more fractured family bonds.

Anyway. This is about boundaries and managing expectations. Put your own mask on, OP. Build up your wealth, and then you can play benevolent donor. We never helped any of our relatives when we were clawing our way up the ladder!!!

Really this behavior is RAMPANT among low income folks. That's how people never escape poverty. Bunch of people that drag them back into it.

crabs in a bucket

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you AA? This is common in the AA community, unfortunately, and there are a lot of reasons for that. I’m sorry OP.

I was thinking Hispanic

Op here, I'm African American. My ex is Hispanic and this is common in that culture as well. We'll never get ahead by helping people who can't or won't help themselves.

Traditional Asian cultures too. Have 3 coworkers (Korean, Vietnamese, and Chinese) who got completely financially screwed by greedy parents and inlaws. One ended up in foreclosure because he would not set boundaries.

I'm Asian and don't know anyone who leeches off more successful relatives. My Vietnamese husband does send money to his home country to distant relatives he's never met, but not more than he can afford, and they never ask rudely - it's just understood that a gesture from the diaspora is the right thing to do for the people who couldn't get out during the war. He put a niece through law school over there (much cheaper than here!).

However I can see how traditional family cultures - ie, MOST of the world! - would have a subset of entitled people who feel they can ask their wealthier relatives for money. It happens in Westernized (US and Europe) cultures as well, but perhaps not as frequently, since these cultures have more fractured family bonds.

Anyway. This is about boundaries and managing expectations. Put your own mask on, OP. Build up your wealth, and then you can play benevolent donor. We never helped any of our relatives when we were clawing our way up the ladder!!!

Really this behavior is RAMPANT among low income folks. That's how people never escape poverty. Bunch of people that drag them back into it.

crabs in a bucket

Just was about to type this! DH and I are the only ones who went to college. We had to establish we aren’t a bank. We sat down and thought strategically what we will fund when requests come in. And they do and are never ending.

We pay for emergency necessities only for some family members but don’t announce this policy. We regularly have to lie and say our hours have gotten reduced, we have student loans, we have medical costs, we are late on mortgage, etc.

These are examples of emergencies; nephew needs glasses for school but can’t get another pair because insurance won’t pay for 2 pairs. Sister in law who works two jobs car breaks down so we help pay for repairs so she can continue working. Another sister in law who isn’t working but somehow has money to go to concerts gets not a penny for car repair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For sister, how do you know she expects a financial gift? Did she ask/tell you?

Yes, this was a conversation yesterday. She said hopefully you can give us a gift when you start your new job.

Interesting. They are very direct.

Were you getting unreciprocated gifts from them while you were a student?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For sister, how do you know she expects a financial gift? Did she ask/tell you?

Yes, this was a conversation yesterday. She said hopefully you can give us a gift when you start your new job.

Interesting. They are very direct.

Were you getting unreciprocated gifts from them while you were a student?

Not really, but I was in undergrad almost 20 years ago. Times were different. I did work sometimes and my parents supported me financially, but not much as I have younger siblings. I also had a relative(who is now deceased), who supported the family and I believe that they expect the same from me. But it's not feasible.

[Anonymous]

I have had multiple surgeries in the past five years. Life hasn't dealt the best cards when it comes to my health. Prior to my health issues and multiple job losses, I was in a great spot, 750 credit score, but I had low pay.