Discovering Affair 10 Years After The Fact

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP that wife of yours is for the streets... Return her back.

Sure that affair wasn't her first or last.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life is long. People male mistakes. And people on DCUM are often pretty crazy.

Sorry for what you’re going through OP. It is possible to divorce and keep things amicable. It is also possible to heal and change but that requires a lot of work. I hope you find a way out of the mess quickly and for good, whether it means leaving or staying in the marriage.

Life can be long but betrayal almost feels like it’s altering your DNA, dysregulation is the norm after discovery, it can manifest physically which in addition to making life far less joyful can drastically shorten it.

I had an emotional affair, I didn’t intend on it. I didn’t want to hurt anyone but it felt so good that I became a contortionist to continue justifying what I was doing. It was so strange the way it happened, it was slow and felt manageable and then it came all at once, I never said it out loud but if there were some sort of blood test for being in love I would’ve scored off the charts. I have no idea if it was real, I’ve done tons of reading and most say emotional affairs are just projections of your own wants onto someone, but that doesn’t feel accurate, I admired them deeply for who they were, their strength and their gifts, the way they made me feel was just a bonus. Our time together didn’t have a very sexual vibe so I doubt it would’ve ever gone that way, whether sex makes the wreckage easier or harder to clean up I’ll never know.

OP if you are reading go onto psychology today and read through the profiles, pretty much every provider gives a free 15 minute preview session where you layout everything that happened and they can talk about their experience and how to help you through. Talk to a few of them and you’ll get a feel for who you gel with. I know gender shouldn’t matter but for me it kind of did, my first counselor was a woman and she was awesome but the male counselor I moved to allowed for a lot of shorthand so the work was really efficient.

I am so curious about this. What made it an affair? I'm just trying to understand a connection so strong that you call it an affair when there was zero attraction there.

Protein, hydrate, cardio, lift weights, buy yourself something you’ve always wanted and take yourself out to an expensive lunch at least once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here -
I am genuinely curious how men marry women like this. Not only does she cheat, but she and her friends crow about it.
I don't have any women friends like this.

I do remember being at a friend of a friend's art opening and the artist's friend was telling the artist about the man the friend came with. "He's married!"
"Ooooh" the artist and the friend squealed together and laughed.
They were both blonde so maybe that has something to do with it.

What does being blonde have to do with it?

As a blonde maie friend of mine who grew up in a family of 8 kids, half of whom were brunette and the other half blonde, said to me -
Blondes experience life differently.

He was not kidding. I had asked him about factionalism in such a large family of kids, was it based on age, seniority, gender? No, it was hair color. The blonde kids experienced life differently than the brunettes and it was a cultural difference for them.

What?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP that wife of yours is for the streets... Return her back.

Sure that affair wasn't her first or last.

Sometimes what’s simple is true, and so I believe it to be here. I agree with one of the PPs above, who said that sometimes people can make mistakes, do something wrong, regret it, and mend their ways. This can happen. For example, you can’t really expect your wife to resist temptation if the young Christian Bale made a move on her in the hotel bar, the same way that a man would probably cave in the less-likely scenario that Sydney Sweeney tried to seduce him. None of us are made of stone, and we are all potentially vulnerable to temptation.

But this isn’t that. She was brazen enough about this affair to carry on for a period of time and to discuss it with her friends. That’s not a mistake; it’s hostile action. Her character has been revealed. She for the streets, and the sooner you accept that fact and move on the better your long term prospects are likely to be. Consult with a professional to get an objective view on this, no one on this thread actually knows your situation and there may be important nuance to consider, but recognize how badly you are going to want to believe that this relationship can be repaired because of all that will be lost. But, most likely, it’s lost already and probably never existed the way you think it did. IMO, in a marriage worth saving, the cheating spouse would have, at some point, confessed, repented, and begged for forgiveness. Not been prickly when you discovered it on your own.

[Anonymous]

^ yeah discussing with her friends is so trashy. And you get to like all these people knew and looked you in the face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here -
I am genuinely curious how men marry women like this. Not only does she cheat, but she and her friends crow about it.
I don't have any women friends like this.

I do remember being at a friend of a friend's art opening and the artist's friend was telling the artist about the man the friend came with. "He's married!"
"Ooooh" the artist and the friend squealed together and laughed.
They were both blonde so maybe that has something to do with it.

What does being blonde have to do with it?

As a blonde maie friend of mine who grew up in a family of 8 kids, half of whom were brunette and the other half blonde, said to me -
Blondes experience life differently.

He was not kidding. I had asked him about factionalism in such a large family of kids, was it based on age, seniority, gender? No, it was hair color. The blonde kids experienced life differently than the brunettes and it was a cultural difference for them.

So you conclude that people who happen to be blonde are more likely to have questionable morals and brag about it with their equally questionable friends?

Redheads even more so. Ex wife was banging anyone and everything.

[Anonymous]

Does the friend know about the affair?

She's also trash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP that wife of yours is for the streets... Return her back.

Sure that affair wasn't her first or last.

Sometimes what’s simple is true, and so I believe it to be here. I agree with one of the PPs above, who said that sometimes people can make mistakes, do something wrong, regret it, and mend their ways. This can happen. For example, you can’t really expect your wife to resist temptation if the young Christian Bale made a move on her in the hotel bar, the same way that a man would probably cave in the less-likely scenario that Sydney Sweeney tried to seduce him. None of us are made of stone, and we are all potentially vulnerable to temptation.

But this isn’t that. She was brazen enough about this affair to carry on for a period of time and to discuss it with her friends. That’s not a mistake; it’s hostile action. Her character has been revealed. She for the streets, and the sooner you accept that fact and move on the better your long term prospects are likely to be. Consult with a professional to get an objective view on this, no one on this thread actually knows your situation and there may be important nuance to consider, but recognize how badly you are going to want to believe that this relationship can be repaired because of all that will be lost. But, most likely, it’s lost already and probably never existed the way you think it did. IMO, in a marriage worth saving, the cheating spouse would have, at some point, confessed, repented, and begged for forgiveness. Not been prickly when you discovered it on your own.

NP.

Agree 100% with this post, especially the part in bold. This was not a simple “one time mistake” by the dear-wife.

This is a power and control issue here; you can tell because dear-wife told her friend about the extra-marital sex and they were discussing it in secret (so they thought).

Everyone was in on the secret (friend(s), the other man, and dear-wife). Everyone except OP.

What. A. Fool. At least, that is how OP looks in everyone else’s eyes. 10 years and he still can’t figure it out. Ha ha; joke is on him.

This is what really happens when a wife not only steps out, but she cuckolds her “dear husband.”

Sorry OP, but no amount of therapy is going to overcome what your wife has done to you. Lawyer up and do your best to erase “dear wife” from your kids and your life (provided they are even your kids. They might not be).

[Anonymous]

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

Naturally you confessed to your DH and did what it took to gain his forgiveness? No? That’s because it wasn’t one time and you’d do it again in a heartbeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d be careful breaking up your family and giving away a sizable portion of your net worth and delaying retirement because of something she did 10 years ago.

Plenty of people on here will try to convince you to leave and that cheating is akin to murder.

There isn’t anything wrong with staying if that’s what you want to do. Life is long and people have affairs. Doesn’t mean it’s okay, but a large % of married people have affairs.

Also consider other aspects of your marriage. There are plenty of people who don’t cheat or never have, but are horrible partners in other ways. Be cautious divorcing a wife of 20 years because of a one time incident and then ending up with someone with issues that are worse.

I think main thing is to find out if this is a one time event or there are other men. Again everyone on here will try to convince you it’s cheating with many men, but they don’t know that for certain.

Also have you cheated?

^ This is a cheater trying to convince everyone that cheating isn’t that bad and that she should be allowed to have her comfortable married life while cheating whenever she wants. Because it’s not that bad really, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be careful breaking up your family and giving away a sizable portion of your net worth and delaying retirement because of something she did 10 years ago.

Plenty of people on here will try to convince you to leave and that cheating is akin to murder.

There isn’t anything wrong with staying if that’s what you want to do. Life is long and people have affairs. Doesn’t mean it’s okay, but a large % of married people have affairs.

Also consider other aspects of your marriage. There are plenty of people who don’t cheat or never have, but are horrible partners in other ways. Be cautious divorcing a wife of 20 years because of a one time incident and then ending up with someone with issues that are worse.

I think main thing is to find out if this is a one time event or there are other men. Again everyone on here will try to convince you it’s cheating with many men, but they don’t know that for certain.

Also have you cheated?

^ This is a cheater trying to convince everyone that cheating isn’t that bad and that she should be allowed to have her comfortable married life while cheating whenever she wants. Because it’s not that bad really, right?

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP that wife of yours is for the streets... Return her back.

Sure that affair wasn't her first or last.

Sometimes what’s simple is true, and so I believe it to be here. I agree with one of the PPs above, who said that sometimes people can make mistakes, do something wrong, regret it, and mend their ways. This can happen. For example, you can’t really expect your wife to resist temptation if the young Christian Bale made a move on her in the hotel bar, the same way that a man would probably cave in the less-likely scenario that Sydney Sweeney tried to seduce him. None of us are made of stone, and we are all potentially vulnerable to temptation.

But this isn’t that. She was brazen enough about this affair to carry on for a period of time and to discuss it with her friends. That’s not a mistake; it’s hostile action. Her character has been revealed. She for the streets, and the sooner you accept that fact and move on the better your long term prospects are likely to be. Consult with a professional to get an objective view on this, no one on this thread actually knows your situation and there may be important nuance to consider, but recognize how badly you are going to want to believe that this relationship can be repaired because of all that will be lost. But, most likely, it’s lost already and probably never existed the way you think it did. IMO, in a marriage worth saving, the cheating spouse would have, at some point, confessed, repented, and begged for forgiveness. Not been prickly when you discovered it on your own.

This is spot on. You would have to be Jesus to look past all these red flags, forgive and reconcile with her. That or you get off on being cucked, but that doesn’t sound like you considering the post. Distance yourself and forgive her, but don’t let her in any more than you have to for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d be careful breaking up your family and giving away a sizable portion of your net worth and delaying retirement because of something she did 10 years ago.

Plenty of people on here will try to convince you to leave and that cheating is akin to murder.

There isn’t anything wrong with staying if that’s what you want to do. Life is long and people have affairs. Doesn’t mean it’s okay, but a large % of married people have affairs.

Also consider other aspects of your marriage. There are plenty of people who don’t cheat or never have, but are horrible partners in other ways. Be cautious divorcing a wife of 20 years because of a one time incident and then ending up with someone with issues that are worse.

I think main thing is to find out if this is a one time event or there are other men. Again everyone on here will try to convince you it’s cheating with many men, but they don’t know that for certain.

Also have you cheated?

Couple things- He doesn’t have to worry about having a partner with issues, he has that already. Plus her actions show she is not ashamed or remorseful, so her issues weren’t a temporary lapse in judgment. If he doesn’t have proof, she will not come clean.

If he cheated, he would not be here asking these types of questions, because he would be minimizing and justifying her actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

+1

Did you all come clean and do the hard work of addressing why you would lie and cheat instead of honoring your vows or divorcing? If not, then you are still the same person, avoiding real life and lacking integrity.