Discovering Affair 10 Years After The Fact

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are living in a curated reality that your wife has formed around you. You have been manipulated and lied to thousands of times. Life as you knew it is over.

Prepare to feel every negative emotion, then prepare to feel each of them in combination with three others. As time goes forward you might get a few hours where you don't think about it, you're not getting a break, because the next morning you'll wake up to a new horrid revelation that your brain has recognized and delivered out of your subconscious for you to deal with. Eventually the pain will turn to anger; revenge fantasies will play one after the other in the shower, washing your hair for a third time because you forgot where you were in your routine.

Your wife will shirk all accountability, she'll be half hearted in her efforts to rebuild and you'll find yourself apologizing for rewritten history that she's practiced so many times that it's become fact all in preparation for this very moment.

As time goes forward you'll think you've made progress and in a few years you might see a picture from 2017 and it'll all come back worse that it feels now. Remember Holden Caulfield? the dizzy spinning feeling he had before his breakdown? That's gonna be you for a year or two.

She won't heal you, she can't and she doesn't want to, get into therapy ASAP with a counselor who can help with betrayal trauma. Circle the financial wagons, join a gym and turn the pain into muscle, buy a boat, take flying lessons, prioritize your health and sanity. Be polite at home, don't lash out, keep quiet and focus on chapter 2.

I'm sorry, this is going to be the most painful chapter in your life but you're gonna be ok.

What man isn’t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

Not true because I’m one of them.

Really there are people out there who have a brief affair, regret it and never do it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is literally no such thing as a woman that cheated just once. They cheat or they don't. If they cheat, they sleep with lots.

+101

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life is long. People male mistakes. And people on DCUM are often pretty crazy.

Sorry for what you’re going through OP. It is possible to divorce and keep things amicable. It is also possible to heal and change but that requires a lot of work. I hope you find a way out of the mess quickly and for good, whether it means leaving or staying in the marriage.

NP. It’s so nice to see positive, thoughtful posts on depressing threads like this. Thank you, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life is long. People male mistakes. And people on DCUM are often pretty crazy.

Sorry for what you’re going through OP. It is possible to divorce and keep things amicable. It is also possible to heal and change but that requires a lot of work. I hope you find a way out of the mess quickly and for good, whether it means leaving or staying in the marriage.

Life can be long but betrayal almost feels like it’s altering your DNA, dysregulation is the norm after discovery, it can manifest physically which in addition to making life far less joyful can drastically shorten it.

I had an emotional affair, I didn’t intend on it. I didn’t want to hurt anyone but it felt so good that I became a contortionist to continue justifying what I was doing. It was so strange the way it happened, it was slow and felt manageable and then it came all at once, I never said it out loud but if there were some sort of blood test for being in love I would’ve scored off the charts. I have no idea if it was real, I’ve done tons of reading and most say emotional affairs are just projections of your own wants onto someone, but that doesn’t feel accurate, I admired them deeply for who they were, their strength and their gifts, the way they made me feel was just a bonus. Our time together didn’t have a very sexual vibe so I doubt it would’ve ever gone that way, whether sex makes the wreckage easier or harder to clean up I’ll never know.

OP if you are reading go onto psychology today and read through the profiles, pretty much every provider gives a free 15 minute preview session where you layout everything that happened and they can talk about their experience and how to help you through. Talk to a few of them and you’ll get a feel for who you gel with. I know gender shouldn’t matter but for me it kind of did, my first counselor was a woman and she was awesome but the male counselor I moved to allowed for a lot of shorthand so the work was really efficient.

Protein, hydrate, cardio, lift weights, buy yourself something you’ve always wanted and take yourself out to an expensive lunch at least once a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life is long. People male mistakes. And people on DCUM are often pretty crazy.

Sorry for what you’re going through OP. It is possible to divorce and keep things amicable. It is also possible to heal and change but that requires a lot of work.

He is the one who needs to heal. But why does he need to change? He did nothing wrong.

As his wife concealed it for ten years and never would have told him if he hadn’t accidentally found out, there’s about zero chance she thinks she needs to change. She’s going to try and turn it around and blame the affair on him somehow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here -
I am genuinely curious how men marry women like this. Not only does she cheat, but she and her friends crow about it.
I don't have any women friends like this.

I do remember being at a friend of a friend's art opening and the artist's friend was telling the artist about the man the friend came with. "He's married!"
"Ooooh" the artist and the friend squealed together and laughed.
They were both blonde so maybe that has something to do with it.

WTF with the dig based on hair color?

Totally uncalled for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Life is long. People male mistakes. And people on DCUM are often pretty crazy.

Sorry for what you’re going through OP. It is possible to divorce and keep things amicable. It is also possible to heal and change but that requires a lot of work.

He is the one who needs to heal. But why does he need to change? He did nothing wrong.

As his wife concealed it for ten years and never would have told him if he hadn’t accidentally found out, there’s about zero chance she thinks she needs to change. She’s going to try and turn it around and blame the affair on him somehow.

You have absolutely no idea what is actually happening with either of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here -
I am genuinely curious how men marry women like this. Not only does she cheat, but she and her friends crow about it.
I don't have any women friends like this.

I do remember being at a friend of a friend's art opening and the artist's friend was telling the artist about the man the friend came with. "He's married!"
"Ooooh" the artist and the friend squealed together and laughed.
They were both blonde so maybe that has something to do with it.

WTF with the dig based on hair color?

Totally uncalled for.

Exactly, let’s stick to bashing men.

[Anonymous]

I’d be careful breaking up your family and giving away a sizable portion of your net worth and delaying retirement because of something she did 10 years ago.

Plenty of people on here will try to convince you to leave and that cheating is akin to murder.

There isn’t anything wrong with staying if that’s what you want to do. Life is long and people have affairs. Doesn’t mean it’s okay, but a large % of married people have affairs.

Also consider other aspects of your marriage. There are plenty of people who don’t cheat or never have, but are horrible partners in other ways. Be cautious divorcing a wife of 20 years because of a one time incident and then ending up with someone with issues that are worse.

I think main thing is to find out if this is a one time event or there are other men. Again everyone on here will try to convince you it’s cheating with many men, but they don’t know that for certain.

Also have you cheated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are in year 20 of your marriage and discover that your spouse had a 3 month long affair 10 years earlier, would you say anything?

Do you think it matters if the spouse being cheated on was the wife or husband?

It doesn’t matter.

You did say something. What’s your question?

He wants DCUM women to tell him yes it could have been just once ten ago and it never happened again and doesn’t matter. That way he doesn’t have to make any painful decisions.

Sorry OP the answer is no it wasn’t just once a long time ago, and if you have kids, better get their paternity tested.

Are you psychic? No? Didn’t think so.

OP, what’s your question?

You don’t need to be psychic to predict how a man who just discovered his wife cheated is going to act, dolt. They all act the same way. They hope their life won’t be turned upside down and that everything can continue as before. They’re always wrong.

Yes, every person acts exactly the same way in a given situation. Cheating wives and cuckolded husbands. Yes, that’s the way humans are. All exactly the same.

Like all the people on this one tiny thread who have reacted differently to this one situation. Yup.

Three pages in and OP hasn’t asked a question.

NP.


There’s a lesson for OP in all of this. To the OP, you are now a cuckold and you can never undo that. She didn’t make a single regrettable mistake here; she is still talking and bragging to her friend about it (that’s not regret, BTW). Think about what her friend thinks of you whenever she see you: she also sees you as a cuck. The people up-thread who said this will eat at you? They are right 99% of the time.

My advice as to how to respond to her decade long deception?

Play nice (for now). Drop the issue and play nice with her.

Hire a lawyer, discretely. Do exactly what your lawyer advises. Quietly move assets into your name alone.

Record everything she says. Again, be discrete and play nice. Whatever happens later, never ever leave the house voluntarily; she is the one who will be moving out.

Plan ahead for ways to get full custody; see if it’s possible to deny her visitation. Now is the the time to be strong, calm, and take care of yourself and your children and protect yourselves from her.

[Anonymous]

An extramarital affair (especially one lasting three mos.!) is a major thing so yes I would most definitely discuss it.

And no - -
It would not matter to me if I was the husband or the wife affected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here -
I am genuinely curious how men marry women like this. Not only does she cheat, but she and her friends crow about it.
I don't have any women friends like this.

I do remember being at a friend of a friend's art opening and the artist's friend was telling the artist about the man the friend came with. "He's married!"
"Ooooh" the artist and the friend squealed together and laughed.
They were both blonde so maybe that has something to do with it.

What does being blonde have to do with it?

As a blonde maie friend of mine who grew up in a family of 8 kids, half of whom were brunette and the other half blonde, said to me -
Blondes experience life differently.

He was not kidding. I had asked him about factionalism in such a large family of kids, was it based on age, seniority, gender? No, it was hair color. The blonde kids experienced life differently than the brunettes and it was a cultural difference for them.

So you conclude that people who happen to be blonde are more likely to have questionable morals and brag about it with their equally questionable friends?

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids? There's a really good chance they aren't yours. It happens more than people think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here -
I am genuinely curious how men marry women like this. Not only does she cheat, but she and her friends crow about it.
I don't have any women friends like this.

I do remember being at a friend of a friend's art opening and the artist's friend was telling the artist about the man the friend came with. "He's married!"
"Ooooh" the artist and the friend squealed together and laughed.
They were both blonde so maybe that has something to do with it.

There is no evidence of them "crowing" over it? Her friend saw the guy at the airport and told OP's wife. That doesn't mean they were waxing poetic about the affair.

Also, you do have women friends like this, you just don't know about it.