Giving more financial support to one kid and the others are angry

[Anonymous]

Your successful kids have the right to be angry. Do what you want with your money, but of course they're going to be passive aggressive toward you about it. I'm surprised they're not just straight-up aggressive about it, honestly.

When I graduated college, my boyfriend (now husband) and I moved into a crappy apartment near the airport and got hourly-wage jobs and barely made ends meet. My parents gave me a car (for which I was very grateful), but otherwise we furnished our own apartment, paid our own rent and grocery bills, etc.

When my brother graduated college two years later, he also got a car, which was fair. And he moved back in with them, which I didn't mind, because I hadn't wanted to do that. And 6 months later when he found a job, they bought him furniture for his new apartment, which did annoy me, because I had done that on my own. And then I later found out that they were giving him money for his student loan payments every month, which they never even offered for me, and they told me as if it didn't even occur to them that it was unfair.

Maybe it was because he has always been the favorite. Or because he was single and I wasn't. Or because he's the youngest. But I was absolutely angry and your kids should be too. The only way to do this fairly is to say to all of them, "I'd like to support you all equally. If you want some help now, I'm happy to help and to make it fair to you all, I'll deduct it from your inheritance in my will." Basically, you're splitting it evenly, but they can choose when they receive it (obviously with caps that allow YOU enough to live comfortably).

[Anonymous]

OP, have you been bailing out the youngest child instead of getting him help? If so, your other kids should be furious with your parenting decisions.

[Anonymous]

You are punishing the successful kids, and rewarding the loser.

You didn't think that would create resentment? JFC that is so obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At least in my family this sort of thing runs so much deeper than giving one kid more money now. My sibling who is mooching was the favored child. They paid for multiple expensive degrees from top schools and bragged endlessly. Rather than encourage her to get professional help when her friendships, romantic relationships and job interactions were conflict ridden, they babied and coddled her and told her she was too good for that person/job. There were different RULES for the rest of us and expectations. Now they have an unemployed, mean-spirited and entitled middle-age baby who they coddle and spoil with money and become angry when we don't provide comfort to her for all the hardship she has faced. She has made incredibly poor financial choices and spends like there is no tomorrow and now she has tapped into the money tree. Even more frustrating was when I became the bad one for stepping back my free labor and telling my parents to use all that money to hire someone.

My husband and I work hard to break the dysfunction we both were raised with and we try to support our kids without enabling. Also, when one had trouble getting along well with others, we got professional help and it helped.

Right, I think a lot of resentment stems from the fact that this is hardly ever just favoritism that begins in adulthood. There are so many excuses for it but parents are deluding themselves if they think their kids don't see it. My ILs have a constant stream of reasons: they had more money when SIL went to college/grad school so they fully paid for her education while my DH had $$$ in student loans that he continued to pay off while SIL was going to school fully paid; SIL got divorced so she needed fancy vacations to make her happier; it goes on and on.

[Anonymous]

I hope OP isn't expecting her successful children to look after her in old age.

May as well move the deadbeat in, if you keep going he's the only one who *may* GAF when you're old - unfortunately it will only be for your cash, but that might work out for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope OP isn't expecting her successful children to look after her in old age.

May as well move the deadbeat in, if you keep going he's the only one who *may* GAF when you're old - unfortunately it will only be for your cash, but that might work out for you.

Ugh, isn't that usually the way though? The more successful children are also supposed to take on all the burdens because of the dozens of excuses given for why the favorite child shouldn't be bothered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you share this information with them?

Exactly this. Why do your other 2 kids even know? My parents occasionally dole out a gift to their kids, but if they are helping someone more on an individual level I am not asking details. It's their money. My dad helped my sister with a home renovation. I have no idea how much money or what they decided to do. Was it a loan? A gift? A portion of her future inheritance? I don't know and I don't care. Could I dig in and demand details so that I can decide if I should be hurt or not? I guess. But what good would that do? They are adults taking care of their own business.

[Anonymous]

OP I havent read the whole thread but I live this. I have always been independent and stable, so has my one brother. My other had severe mental health issues, has spent time in jail, etc. My parents have bailed him out, paid for his defense, paid his bills, paid his rehab. I do not care one bit. What they do with their money to help their kid is none of my business and I am frankly relieved he has their support. I have no expectation of my parents supporting me financially though.

[Anonymous]

Just accept that their agenda is different than yours and you will act accordingly as a parent vs a sibling. I would say I understand why you feel hurt but this is my job as a parent, and if you were in his shoes I would do the same for you. At the same time don’t expect them to bail him out when you are gone and make sure he doesn’t expect that either they are not obligated to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you share this information with them?

Exactly this. Why do your other 2 kids even know? My parents occasionally dole out a gift to their kids, but if they are helping someone more on an individual level I am not asking details. It's their money. My dad helped my sister with a home renovation. I have no idea how much money or what they decided to do. Was it a loan? A gift? A portion of her future inheritance? I don't know and I don't care. Could I dig in and demand details so that I can decide if I should be hurt or not? I guess. But what good would that do? They are adults taking care of their own business.

Usually the parents and child have justified to themselves that this child deserves special treatment for whatever reasons so they're not going out of their way to hide things. Plenty of parents help their kids with one off things- down payment, car, whatever. Some parents help one child with allll the things and their other children with none. It's pretty obvious and anyone who says this isn't the other kids' business or isn't a reason to be resentful isn't living in reality

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope OP isn't expecting her successful children to look after her in old age.

May as well move the deadbeat in, if you keep going he's the only one who *may* GAF when you're old - unfortunately it will only be for your cash, but that might work out for you.

Ugh, isn't that usually the way though? The more successful children are also supposed to take on all the burdens because of the dozens of excuses given for why the favorite child shouldn't be bothered.

Yup. She will be b****ing in a few years that they are too busy for her, arent helping her, arent driving her to appointments (or whatever). These types of parents can never see or acknowledge their awful parenting and don't care until it actually affects THEM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your successful kids have the right to be angry. Do what you want with your money, but of course they're going to be passive aggressive toward you about it. I'm surprised they're not just straight-up aggressive about it, honestly.

When I graduated college, my boyfriend (now husband) and I moved into a crappy apartment near the airport and got hourly-wage jobs and barely made ends meet. My parents gave me a car (for which I was very grateful), but otherwise we furnished our own apartment, paid our own rent and grocery bills, etc.

When my brother graduated college two years later, he also got a car, which was fair. And he moved back in with them, which I didn't mind, because I hadn't wanted to do that. And 6 months later when he found a job, they bought him furniture for his new apartment, which did annoy me, because I had done that on my own. And then I later found out that they were giving him money for his student loan payments every month, which they never even offered for me, and they told me as if it didn't even occur to them that it was unfair.

Maybe it was because he has always been the favorite. Or because he was single and I wasn't. Or because he's the youngest. But I was absolutely angry and your kids should be too. The only way to do this fairly is to say to all of them, "I'd like to support you all equally. If you want some help now, I'm happy to help and to make it fair to you all, I'll deduct it from your inheritance in my will." Basically, you're splitting it evenly, but they can choose when they receive it (obviously with caps that allow YOU enough to live comfortably).

My parents are giving my sister a significant amount of money so she can buy a new house while keeping her old house as a rental. It is far from enough for her to even pay the whole down payment - but it's an amount that would make a real difference in our lives.

They told me they are taking it out of her inheritance to make it "fair" - but when I suggested that they segregate this amount into its own index fund or something else so that it appreciates the way this house will, they got upset with me for even thinking about it. It turned into a little thing - which I finally let go because the last thing I want to do is fight with my parents or my sister about money.

The fact is you really don't know what will happen with inheritances, though. And also, whatever you try to do, it's never going to feel totally fair. But money is such a trigger and so I think you have to let it go, unless you really are willing to let this poison an otherwise good relationship. I can't imagine you want to do that over some furniture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At least in my family this sort of thing runs so much deeper than giving one kid more money now. My sibling who is mooching was the favored child. They paid for multiple expensive degrees from top schools and bragged endlessly. Rather than encourage her to get professional help when her friendships, romantic relationships and job interactions were conflict ridden, they babied and coddled her and told her she was too good for that person/job. There were different RULES for the rest of us and expectations. Now they have an unemployed, mean-spirited and entitled middle-age baby who they coddle and spoil with money and become angry when we don't provide comfort to her for all the hardship she has faced. She has made incredibly poor financial choices and spends like there is no tomorrow and now she has tapped into the money tree. Even more frustrating was when I became the bad one for stepping back my free labor and telling my parents to use all that money to hire someone.

My husband and I work hard to break the dysfunction we both were raised with and we try to support our kids without enabling. Also, when one had trouble getting along well with others, we got professional help and it helped.

Right, I think a lot of resentment stems from the fact that this is hardly ever just favoritism that begins in adulthood. There are so many excuses for it but parents are deluding themselves if they think their kids don't see it. My ILs have a constant stream of reasons: they had more money when SIL went to college/grad school so they fully paid for her education while my DH had $$$ in student loans that he continued to pay off while SIL was going to school fully paid; SIL got divorced so she needed fancy vacations to make her happier; it goes on and on.

Similar story with my DH and yet he wouldn’t ever actually raise his feelings of resentment with my ILs so they just remain baffled why we don’t prioritize family get togethers/visits to them.

[Anonymous]

I am the succcessful sibling in this scenario. I am married and have a few children, a mortgage, car loan, all the trappings of a UMC life. I have no serious crises at the moment and my life is mostly pretty stable.

What this has gotten me from Mom and Dad is: ignored. One of my siblings, in particular, has eaten up untold amounts of my parents' time, money, and energy for many years and continues to do so. AFAIK there are no disabilities or SN; he has anxiety and anger issues, but refuses to seek treatment for them. As a result our relationship is cordial but strained; I long ago set strict boundaries with him and I do not allow him to treat me like a doormat (unlike my parents, whom he walks all over). He doesn't work; hasn't in years. My folks support him financially and cater to his every need. Their relationship is codependent; they're convinced he can't succeed on his own footing, and so that has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. He's convinced of it too.

I don't need or expect financial support from my parents. But it really chafes to see them continue to throw all their energy into dealing with my brother, and not give me or my kids the time of day. My kids adore their grandparents and would do anything to see more of them. But whenever they come to visit, they're always "checking in" with him on their phone and spend the whole time texting with him, worried about... something. He is always the focus, and has been for many years. I wouldn't trade my life with my brother's for anything; he's a deeply unhappy person. But my parents' refusal to set the most basic of boundaries with their adult son, and their continued enabling of his poor behavior, has caused a bigger rift than they'll ever acknowledge. My sister, who also has made a decent life for herself, shares my views.

Enabling $ucks and it affects the "stable" ones in the family too.

[Anonymous]

My parents give my brother extremely large amounts of money because he married a very pretty girl who chooses not to work and therefore they cannot afford the nice things that they want. As in my kids went to private school and it wasn’t fair that he couldn’t afford the same for his kids. The fact that my husband and I both worked our asses off to make this happen while the princess slept in and went to aerobics is regarded as irrelevant. They also paid for private colleges for his kids for the same reason. You bet your butt my sister and I are mad about this! It also seems odd that you would treat your daughter in law so much better than your daughters, enabling her stay at home lifestyle.