Giving more financial support to one kid and the others are angry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 adult daughters 27 and 29 and will help each accordingly to what is needed. They both understand that not everything has to be equal or fair since each has different needs. Neither is entitled to anything financially and both appreciate any help they receive.

Real needs, or just self-created problems?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you share this information with them?

Exactly this. Why do your other 2 kids even know? My parents occasionally dole out a gift to their kids, but if they are helping someone more on an individual level I am not asking details. It's their money. My dad helped my sister with a home renovation. I have no idea how much money or what they decided to do. Was it a loan? A gift? A portion of her future inheritance? I don't know and I don't care. Could I dig in and demand details so that I can decide if I should be hurt or not? I guess. But what good would that do? They are adults taking care of their own business.

This seems like a healthy attitude. I’m surprised at the number of adult people who feel entitled to dictate how their parents spend their money.

I haven't seen a single person saying they think they should dictate how their parents spend their money. But if the way the parent spends the money is glaringly uneven among siblings, then yes the children will have feelings about the disparity.

My mom cannot even be bothered to get my kid (or me, but I don't care about me as I don't want anything) a birthday present but gets my sibling and boyfriends kids and grandkids gifts. I don't even get a happy birthday. My mom lives 10 minutes away and conned me into staying close to care for her. Not happening. Its how you treat people more than the actual money. I don't care about the money. I have what I need. But, don't think the grandkids don't notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP must be my mother, who lavishes gifts and money (including cars and homes) on my lazy sister and brother, who are 45 and 40. I have never gotten anything from my parents, no college money, no car, no financial help, nothing. Yet, the slackers are the ones who are rewarded. But they need my help….my mother just loves being needed and co-dependent. I am completely independent and self sufficient yet nothing. The disparity is insane.

My siblings and I barely have any relationship. I haven’t spoken to my brother in years.

Stop doing this OP and stop telling your responsible kids that you’ve given so much money to your other kid. This is 100% on you and you suck.

+1 OP, you are hurting your children's relationship with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re rewarding the slacker. And holding it against the kids who have done well on their own. And unless they are Bezos, yes, they could prob use help to lighten their load. But you do t help them and they rightfully resent it.

I assume if OP's kids are just mere $1 billionaires, they would do just fine.

There are plenty of jobs your kid could have where you know they are doing well financially...MD at Goldman Sachs, principal at Citadel, partner at Cravath, etc.

Yes Ms. Literal. You are correct. I was exaggerating to make a point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I havent read the whole thread but I live this. I have always been independent and stable, so has my one brother. My other had severe mental health issues, has spent time in jail, etc. My parents have bailed him out, paid for his defense, paid his bills, paid his rehab. I do not care one bit. What they do with their money to help their kid is none of my business and I am frankly relieved he has their support. I have no expectation of my parents supporting me financially though.

Will you keep up the support for your sibling when your parents are gone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re rewarding the slacker. And holding it against the kids who have done well on their own. And unless they are Bezos, yes, they could prob use help to lighten their load. But you do t help them and they rightfully resent it.

I assume if OP's kids are just mere $1 billionaires, they would do just fine.

There are plenty of jobs your kid could have where you know they are doing well financially...MD at Goldman Sachs, principal at Citadel, partner at Cravath, etc.

Yes Ms. Literal. You are correct. I was exaggerating to make a point.

You did a shit job

[Anonymous]

I would only do that if I had a child with a disability. And if that were the case I’m sure my other kids would be fine. But to subsidize a slacker is a disservice.

[Anonymous]

Horrible OP. All you’re doing is punishing the competent ones and rewarding the incompetent one. And creating division with your children. It doesn’t have to do with the money itself, it’s the principle. You’re creating unnecessary resentment.

My parents financially favored my brother. Supported him into his 40’s because he’s always been a big risk/ big reward kind of guy. So while my husband and I took stable, low paid government jobs he made and lost millions, literally. So my parents subsidized him out of guilt or some other reason? It caused massive amounts of resentment. I could have used the help, and he thought I was getting the same and when he found out I wasn’t he felt like a total loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that the kid with the unstable life is a slacker who isn't putting in the work, but you're propping him up anyway. That's pretty infuriating to siblings who are working very, very hard every day.

This, or the successful sibling worked full time and went to grad school at night, deferred buying a car while they took public transport and save $ for a down payment. They may be annoyed if less successful sib spends every dime they get and u just give them more to subsidize a lifestyle this kid can’t afford on his own.

[Anonymous]

My ILs are very sensitive to this and take it to an extreme. They have 5 kids, of which 2 absolutely cannot handle being given money. They would not use it responsibly and blow through it. 1 really needs it (barely living paycheck to paycheck as a grad student with a toddler) and would use it very responsibly. The other 2 don’t need it, and 1 of the 2 actually got a large inheritance from their ILs so are extremely financially comfortable.

The 1 who needs it can’t get it because of the other irresponsible 2. It is a little sad. I am just a DIL and I feel like the parents in their attempt to be equal are making life significantly tougher for the 1 who could really use it.

[Anonymous]

This is one of those issues where you have to draw a hard line. Seven pages of commentators tell you this. Unless one kid has a legitimate disability, treat all kids equally with financial and other support. If you don't, you risk rupturing your relationship with the nonfavored child and your children's sibling relationships. You are delusional because you think you have an exception, as very few exist, which is why parents need to draw a hard line on this issue.

[Anonymous]

Remind them to read the parable of the Prodigal Son. Tell them that you did not keep score of who received more support through their elementary school activities - and that you are not keeping a ledger now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remind them to read the parable of the Prodigal Son. Tell them that you did not keep score of who received more support through their elementary school activities - and that you are not keeping a ledger now.

Your kids are keeping a ledger - to quote a cheesy song, "Where you invest your love, you invest your life." As children, even adult children, when we see our parents devote more of their time, attention, and resources to a sibling, we feel they love the sibling more, and it causes emotional distress. Sometimes, it even brings up resentment over unresolved childhood issues, like you mentioned, who got my support through elementary school activities, past grievances, or unmet emotional needs in our relationship with our parents. It's often not about the money.

[Anonymous]

If you want your kids to hate each other, give them different amounts of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remind them to read the parable of the Prodigal Son. Tell them that you did not keep score of who received more support through their elementary school activities - and that you are not keeping a ledger now.

The difference is in the Prodigal Son, everyone acknowledges that the Prodigal Son made bad choices and lived with the consequences for a while. OP's kid is less stable but is OP allowing consequences to be the best teacher?