Giving more financial support to one kid and the others are angry

[Anonymous]

And the Prodigal Son came back to apologize and ask his father for a low-status job. Not to ask for more money. It's a totally different story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want your kids to hate each other, give them different amounts of money.

Don't think this will happen to DH, but I can tell he has some feelings about it. His sister/BiL spent their 20s working 9 months of the year and traveling for 3 on their earnings from the 9 months. His early career wasn't necessarily conventional, but he did set aside savings regardless of what he was doing. SiL then started a family, etc. She freelanced in order to remain at home - great gig, but no benefits or savings plan. His parents then helped with those grandkids' college.

We now have a very HHI/asset accumulation. Because of this, his sister started making noises 6-ish years ago about why she should receive more money, just the liquid assets, etc. What's transpired, however, is that his parents possibly haven't set aside enough money for this next phase of moving into a retirement community where one parent is pretty much going like gangbusters and the other has dementia. DH is now fretting that he will be solo in supporting their parents and that the sister will expect she receive all of what is left in the estate (e.g., a couple of paintings by recognized early 20th c artists).

Basically he is torn between wanting to be understanding with sibling yet wish she would recognize that - just like he did - made a set of decisions that still have consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Putting it bluntly OP your other two kids are pissed that you are rewarding their slacker sibling while they have made it on their own.

I guess. I am the more successful of 3 children. I fully expect (because my dad has told me) that their estate plan is to reward my lesser successful siblings. They've worked hard and haven't had major life issues. I just make a lot more than they do.

Even if my father hadn't told me, I would expect them to get a larger share and would be surprised if he had equalized it. If he had equalized it i would assign some over to my siblings. I won't turn down money but they need it more than i do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the responses. But if are helping because they are disabled or have a medical issue the the one thing. But to pay rent and buy a car? I’d be upset to.

This is how families break up. Why didn’t you buy all your kids cars? Was it a brand new car or some clunker?

We were in high school when my parents paid for my sister to go to a very expense camp because she wanted to go there. I wanted a flute - same price. They just valued camp more - or her - things weee never the same after that.

You have to be equal.

Parents have not been treating children equally from the beginning of time. Just think of some of the advantages the oldest has v. The youngest. Not just more time but all the extra activities the oldest gets involved i that the youngest doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Putting it bluntly OP your other two kids are pissed that you are rewarding their slacker sibling while they have made it on their own.

I guess. I am the more successful of 3 children. I fully expect (because my dad has told me) that their estate plan is to reward my lesser successful siblings. They've worked hard and haven't had major life issues. I just make a lot more than they do.

Even if my father hadn't told me, I would expect them to get a larger share and would be surprised if he had equalized it. If he had equalized it i would assign some over to my siblings. I won't turn down money but they need it more than i do.

My parents told us they were done supporting us after we finished grad school and that whatever money was left when they die would mostly go to their church, but they would also leave the same amount for each kid. They told us this when we were teenagers to set expectations because they had earned a lot of money and didn't want us to live as if we would ever get a life-changing inheritance or be treated differently by them than our siblings. All 3 kids are close, and we all have high incomes and savings.

[Anonymous]

I think the issue becomes enabling dependency and playing favorites. My siblings' education cost more than mine. That was fine. My brother and I married, independent, etc. My sister had a super expensive multiple degree education and was the favorite. She made a series of insane choices in every way and blew money. Every time, she got handouts.

We all deal with health stuff. My sister could have the same let's say knee issue. We don't complain, may not even mention to parents until over. Recovery may not go smoothly, but we deal. For her, it is a life altering event before it starts and we all must rally. Mom takes off to be with her. We are chastised for not calling/sending cards and flowers. My brother's cancer was not the huge event that my sister's minor surgery was.

So yeah, she gets way more money before and after they pass. She gets more attention and adoration too. The kicker is, she does not seem to think she needs to do anything remotely helpful for them.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, my brother and I didn't marry eachother, but we got married and are independent of the parents completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the responses. But if are helping because they are disabled or have a medical issue the the one thing. But to pay rent and buy a car? I’d be upset to.

This is how families break up. Why didn’t you buy all your kids cars? Was it a brand new car or some clunker?

We were in high school when my parents paid for my sister to go to a very expense camp because she wanted to go there. I wanted a flute - same price. They just valued camp more - or her - things weee never the same after that.

You have to be equal.

Parents have not been treating children equally from the beginning of time. Just think of some of the advantages the oldest has v. The youngest. Not just more time but all the extra activities the oldest gets involved i that the youngest doesn't.

You must not come from a very large financially challenged family. It works the opposite way. Youngest ones won the lottery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Putting it bluntly OP your other two kids are pissed that you are rewarding their slacker sibling while they have made it on their own.

I guess. I am the more successful of 3 children. I fully expect (because my dad has told me) that their estate plan is to reward my lesser successful siblings. They've worked hard and haven't had major life issues. I just make a lot more than they do.

Even if my father hadn't told me, I would expect them to get a larger share and would be surprised if he had equalized it. If he had equalized it i would assign some over to my siblings. I won't turn down money but they need it more than i do.

Same with my family…particularly when any share of my parent’s estate is just fun money for me, but meaningful to siblings.

At some point if you have an UHNW kid there is no longer any concern over “fairness”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read all the responses. But if are helping because they are disabled or have a medical issue the the one thing. But to pay rent and buy a car? I’d be upset to.

This is how families break up. Why didn’t you buy all your kids cars? Was it a brand new car or some clunker?

We were in high school when my parents paid for my sister to go to a very expense camp because she wanted to go there. I wanted a flute - same price. They just valued camp more - or her - things weee never the same after that.

You have to be equal.

Parents have not been treating children equally from the beginning of time. Just think of some of the advantages the oldest has v. The youngest. Not just more time but all the extra activities the oldest gets involved i that the youngest doesn't.

You must not come from a very large financially challenged family. It works the opposite way. Youngest ones won the lottery.

I am the youngest. My sister got ivy schools she picked where I got cheaper state and other schools my parents picked. She got med school. I got one year of state grad school. She got housing, food and other help through residency. I was expected to move back home and do most of the cooking, cleaning and help till I got married. They fired the maid to pay for her stuff. I was told to stay local to care for my parents and they lied for years saying I was the pot and executor. My parents divorced. Mom helped my sister steal my dad’s estate from me and refused to let me help or participate in the funeral. She tried to dump the estate stuff partially on me which is how I know. She refused to handle it. I had to get an attorney to file and start the paperwork. They got mad at me for having enough and withdrawing from the attorney I paid for when I realized she was going to take it all and there is no accountability in the courts. They were furious and haven’t spoken to me since except to make threats. They think I’m broke since I don’t work due to serious health issues and we live way under our means. It’s kinda funny they don’t realize we don’t need their money. It’s sad they destroyed our family over money neither of us needs. Their excuse to hire it is I will divorce and come to them and they have to control it now to help me later. If I have never asked for a dime and they’ve never so much as gotten me a gift or my kids, why would I ask for anything?

Think about how you treat people. When my mom passes my sibling only has me as she’s not married. And, after the years of abuse from her, not happening.

[Anonymous]

Grown adults who have any opinion on how their parents spend *their own* money is absurd and pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Three kids in our family. Oldest works security. Middle is a lawyer. Youngest is a teacher.

The oldest gets financial support from our mother and has a nicer lifestyle than the teacher. They got help with a house, they go on vacations, and have all kinds of toys (motorcycle, ATV, jet ski).

No one is mad at the oldest, but we definitely side eye our mother for supporting him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grown adults who have any opinion on how their parents spend *their own* money is absurd and pathetic.

Parents who treat their kids disparately, without a VERY good reason, are actually the absurd and pathetic one. Sowing discontent and resentment. What a legacy . . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And the Prodigal Son came back to apologize and ask his father for a low-status job. Not to ask for more money. It's a totally different story.

NP
But it is like the Parable of the Lost Sheep.
The shepherd leaves 99 others and searches high and low for the lost sheep.
I look at it parents invest more in those kids who need more help.

[Anonymous]

You are poisoning their relationship with you and each other.