Giving more financial support to one kid and the others are angry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're enabling the failure to launch son. Buying a car and paying his rent for a first year is a glaring example, but there's no chance it's the first instance of you coddling him and punishing your other kids for their competence.

They're telling you how well they're doing because they're seeking your approval, but you are seeking a codependent relationship with the baby so you see it as bragging. Kids that don't need you as adults are a sign of your success but you're holding it against them. They're not passive aggressive, they're giving up on having a healthy relationship with you.

OMG you just summarized why I am so annoyed with my own parents except I don't share salary, just that we save a lot.

[Anonymous]

As a parent, it is your decision to help the child who is not doing well, while you are alive. However, you must divide your estate equally between all your offsprings, in the event of your death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever isn’t locked up in a trust is yours to do with as you wish. I suggest that gifts/help that are for one child remain private between the child and the parent/grandparent, that money is never used to manipulate (You will attend Christmas or you won’t get any of my jewelry!), and that you let go of fair/equal. Do what you think is best. Heirs should be thankful to have an inheritance.

But should adult children also be okay with having to support a parent after the parent throws their money away subsiding a sibling who makes bad choices? This isn't necessarily about an inheritance at all. It's about OP being aware of the long term and not burdening her successful children with her own bad planning and enabling.

This strikes me as very transactional. Nevertheless, OP did not mention anything about spending down her assets dangerously low, or having deprived her other children. Our children are individuals with individual needs and wants. Do we give them identical gifts for Christmas? Everyone gets the same things? Or do we give them what they individually want/need? If someone feels strongly about dividing all assets equally, that’s their prerogative. As is dividing unequally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're enabling the failure to launch son. Buying a car and paying his rent for a first year is a glaring example, but there's no chance it's the first instance of you coddling him and punishing your other kids for their competence.

They're telling you how well they're doing because they're seeking your approval, but you are seeking a codependent relationship with the baby so you see it as bragging. Kids that don't need you as adults are a sign of your success but you're holding it against them. They're not passive aggressive, they're giving up on having a healthy relationship with you.

This absolutely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever isn’t locked up in a trust is yours to do with as you wish. I suggest that gifts/help that are for one child remain private between the child and the parent/grandparent, that money is never used to manipulate (You will attend Christmas or you won’t get any of my jewelry!), and that you let go of fair/equal. Do what you think is best. Heirs should be thankful to have an inheritance.

But should adult children also be okay with having to support a parent after the parent throws their money away subsiding a sibling who makes bad choices? This isn't necessarily about an inheritance at all. It's about OP being aware of the long term and not burdening her successful children with her own bad planning and enabling.

This strikes me as very transactional. Nevertheless, OP did not mention anything about spending down her assets dangerously low, or having deprived her other children. Our children are individuals with individual needs and wants. Do we give them identical gifts for Christmas? Everyone gets the same things? Or do we give them what they individually want/need? If someone feels strongly about dividing all assets equally, that’s their prerogative. As is dividing unequally.

OP didn't say anything about assets or inheritance at all. Which makes me wonder if OP is secure and a good planner.

No, we don't give children what they want/need if in the big picture it's enabling dependence and poor choices. And I suspect that is what's going on here.

I think it's very reasonable for siblings to resent it when one sibling puts the parent's financial security in jeopardy. And I suspect that's what's going on here. Even if OP doesn't want to say it out loud.

[Anonymous]

It’s your money but you are not really helping the third kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whatever isn’t locked up in a trust is yours to do with as you wish. I suggest that gifts/help that are for one child remain private between the child and the parent/grandparent, that money is never used to manipulate (You will attend Christmas or you won’t get any of my jewelry!), and that you let go of fair/equal. Do what you think is best. Heirs should be thankful to have an inheritance.

But should adult children also be okay with having to support a parent after the parent throws their money away subsiding a sibling who makes bad choices? This isn't necessarily about an inheritance at all. It's about OP being aware of the long term and not burdening her successful children with her own bad planning and enabling.

This strikes me as very transactional. Nevertheless, OP did not mention anything about spending down her assets dangerously low, or having deprived her other children. Our children are individuals with individual needs and wants. Do we give them identical gifts for Christmas? Everyone gets the same things? Or do we give them what they individually want/need? If someone feels strongly about dividing all assets equally, that’s their prerogative. As is dividing unequally.

OP didn't say anything about assets or inheritance at all. Which makes me wonder if OP is secure and a good planner.

No, we don't give children what they want/need if in the big picture it's enabling dependence and poor choices. And I suspect that is what's going on here.

I think it's very reasonable for siblings to resent it when one sibling puts the parent's financial security in jeopardy. And I suspect that's what's going on here. Even if OP doesn't want to say it out loud.

Sounds to me the siblings see writing on wall that parents helping to create a failure to launch/dependent that when parent gone will still be looking for handouts from relatives.

[Anonymous]

They don’t want your money. They want you to stop enabling your loser son. Why don’t you help him to actually get on his feet rather than pay his rent for a year so he can just f around?

[Anonymous]

My sibling is taken care of financially by my parents and has been for over a decade. I don’t care in the slightest, and I’m not rich but I don’t lack anything. My other sibling is bothered by it a lot and I think it is a perception issue: I think it is very depressing to live dependent on parents in perpetuity and that getting an allowance doesn’t actually signal unfair advantage in life. My other sibling sees it as unfair. Ultimately, it’s my parents’ money, so who cares?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sibling is taken care of financially by my parents and has been for over a decade. I don’t care in the slightest, and I’m not rich but I don’t lack anything. My other sibling is bothered by it a lot and I think it is a perception issue: I think it is very depressing to live dependent on parents in perpetuity and that getting an allowance doesn’t actually signal unfair advantage in life. My other sibling sees it as unfair. Ultimately, it’s my parents’ money, so who cares?

But would you care if your parents became financially insecure, and will you care when your sibling transitions their neediness to you?

[Anonymous]

Similar situation as a lot of others here, it’s infuriating to see the irresponsible siblings get repeatedly bailed out after a series of asinine life decisions. I have 2 siblings who voluntarily quit their good paying careers in favor of minimum wage passion jobs and surprise surprise they’re now struggling financially, while I did everything right and saved, work in a good paying field, paid off all student loan debt early, bought a house, invested, etc. Guess who gets all the aid from the parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar situation as a lot of others here, it’s infuriating to see the irresponsible siblings get repeatedly bailed out after a series of asinine life decisions. I have 2 siblings who voluntarily quit their good paying careers in favor of minimum wage passion jobs and surprise surprise they’re now struggling financially, while I did everything right and saved, work in a good paying field, paid off all student loan debt early, bought a house, invested, etc. Guess who gets all the aid from the parents?

And even more annoyingly, when they first quit and I brought up to my parents how I didn’t think this was a good idea, my parents defended their choice and said they’re just doing what makes them happy. BUT when I occasionally joke about quitting my equally boring job they freak out and tell me to not quit. The double standards are irritating

[Anonymous]

You made them privy to your financial decisions. That was kind of dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar situation as a lot of others here, it’s infuriating to see the irresponsible siblings get repeatedly bailed out after a series of asinine life decisions. I have 2 siblings who voluntarily quit their good paying careers in favor of minimum wage passion jobs and surprise surprise they’re now struggling financially, while I did everything right and saved, work in a good paying field, paid off all student loan debt early, bought a house, invested, etc. Guess who gets all the aid from the parents?

It’s “well-paying”. They quit well-paying jobs.

[Anonymous]

At least in my family this sort of thing runs so much deeper than giving one kid more money now. My sibling who is mooching was the favored child. They paid for multiple expensive degrees from top schools and bragged endlessly. Rather than encourage her to get professional help when her friendships, romantic relationships and job interactions were conflict ridden, they babied and coddled her and told her she was too good for that person/job. There were different RULES for the rest of us and expectations. Now they have an unemployed, mean-spirited and entitled middle-age baby who they coddle and spoil with money and become angry when we don't provide comfort to her for all the hardship she has faced. She has made incredibly poor financial choices and spends like there is no tomorrow and now she has tapped into the money tree. Even more frustrating was when I became the bad one for stepping back my free labor and telling my parents to use all that money to hire someone.

My husband and I work hard to break the dysfunction we both were raised with and we try to support our kids without enabling. Also, when one had trouble getting along well with others, we got professional help and it helped.