Giving more financial support to one kid and the others are angry

[Anonymous]

My parents did this for what they perceived as need for one of three children-the need was that they wanted a 2 million dollar house in walking distance to their children’s school. I’ve got to be honest, I find it bizarre and it makes me mad (but haven’t said a word.)

[Anonymous]

I personally think it makes it seem like you love the loser one more. Like you are rewarding him for being so unsuccessful. My family also does this, and I’d never say anything, but it sucks and I think less of my parents because of it.

[Anonymous]

OP must be my mother, who lavishes gifts and money (including cars and homes) on my lazy sister and brother, who are 45 and 40. I have never gotten anything from my parents, no college money, no car, no financial help, nothing. Yet, the slackers are the ones who are rewarded. But they need my help….my mother just loves being needed and co-dependent. I am completely independent and self sufficient yet nothing. The disparity is insane.

My siblings and I barely have any relationship. I haven’t spoken to my brother in years.

Stop doing this OP and stop telling your responsible kids that you’ve given so much money to your other kid. This is 100% on you and you suck.

[Anonymous]

Whatever isn’t locked up in a trust is yours to do with as you wish. I suggest that gifts/help that are for one child remain private between the child and the parent/grandparent, that money is never used to manipulate (You will attend Christmas or you won’t get any of my jewelry!), and that you let go of fair/equal. Do what you think is best. Heirs should be thankful to have an inheritance.

[Anonymous]

Similar story with my Dad’s family. One kid who got a lot of help and probably had undiagnosed special needs. Then the parents die and the needy kid needs money from the siblings. They might be worried you’ll leave them holding that bag in the future.

My aunt really resented it, she said her dad’s way of showing love was by giving money, and the one needy sibling got it all, so she felt unloved.

Ask them how they feel instead of saying they’re passive aggressive, because it’s probably only going to get worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whatever isn’t locked up in a trust is yours to do with as you wish. I suggest that gifts/help that are for one child remain private between the child and the parent/grandparent, that money is never used to manipulate (You will attend Christmas or you won’t get any of my jewelry!), and that you let go of fair/equal. Do what you think is best. Heirs should be thankful to have an inheritance.

But should adult children also be okay with having to support a parent after the parent throws their money away subsiding a sibling who makes bad choices? This isn't necessarily about an inheritance at all. It's about OP being aware of the long term and not burdening her successful children with her own bad planning and enabling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have a disparity in financial success between your children and you have one kid who struggles while the other is stable or even highly successful, is there anything wrong with giving more financial support to the less successful one?

I have a highly successful son and another moderately successful daughter, with another son with a bit of an unstable life. I helped him out by paying his rent for a year and purchasing a car and now my other two children are acting passive aggressive about it which I find unnecessary since they don’t need the money at all. I know how much they make and how much they have saved (I don’t ask, they tell me).

I would via mental disorder help or education, but not via rent and hand outs.

If he’s handicapped or can’t manage his LDs or mental diagnoses then I’d set up a trust. That is also clear to the functional siblings that it’s so he doesn’t show up on their doorstep with every sob story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have a disparity in financial success between your children and you have one kid who struggles while the other is stable or even highly successful, is there anything wrong with giving more financial support to the less successful one?

I have a highly successful son and another moderately successful daughter, with another son with a bit of an unstable life. I helped him out by paying his rent for a year and purchasing a car and now my other two children are acting passive aggressive about it which I find unnecessary since they don’t need the money at all. I know how much they make and how much they have saved (I don’t ask, they tell me).

This reads like a troll post joke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Instead of paying the rent for one child, could you have the child move in with you? Could the child use public transit or a cheaper car? This is what many families do. As it is you are enabling your child to have a lifestyle that the child is not working for. This will not motivate that child to work harder/study more/do better. That is what your other children are unhappy about. They see that their sibling is going nowhere and you are abetting the situation.

This is exactly right.

[Anonymous]

My parents always gave us the same amount of money

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If one kid was in big law and the other a public school teacher, then it'd be fine to give the teacher more. But if one is a bum who chooses to work a part time job sometimes and smoke up the other times, while another child works their ass off, then it wouldn't be fine to give the bum more.

I highly doubt the other siblings would be upset if this was your "public school teacher" scenario.

Yes!! This is the case in my family. School teacher works 2 jobs, has amazing kids and of course his sisters and parents try and help. But guess what? He and his partner don’t take it and instead live within their means, busting their asses off. His sisters would be thrilled if he would take the parents financial help. Seriously thrilled. My guess is this is not the same scenario

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have a disparity in financial success between your children and you have one kid who struggles while the other is stable or even highly successful, is there anything wrong with giving more financial support to the less successful one?

I have a highly successful son and another moderately successful daughter, with another son with a bit of an unstable life. I helped him out by paying his rent for a year and purchasing a car and now my other two children are acting passive aggressive about it which I find unnecessary since they don’t need the money at all. I know how much they make and how much they have saved (I don’t ask, they tell me).

You should do for all kids the same. My mom is like that and played favorites but she’s angry at me for not working. She doesn’t give us a dime, even presents for her grandkids and then wonders why we have no relationship. Both of us are fine financially. It’s how you treat them differently. You could put money in the kids college funds, pay for kids activities, etc if they have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If one kid was in big law and the other a public school teacher, then it'd be fine to give the teacher more. But if one is a bum who chooses to work a part time job sometimes and smoke up the other times, while another child works their ass off, then it wouldn't be fine to give the bum more.

I highly doubt the other siblings would be upset if this was your "public school teacher" scenario.

Yes!! This is the case in my family. School teacher works 2 jobs, has amazing kids and of course his sisters and parents try and help. But guess what? He and his partner don’t take it and instead live within their means, busting their asses off. His sisters would be thrilled if he would take the parents financial help. Seriously thrilled. My guess is this is not the same scenario

I refuse anything at this point because those who want to give do it to control me. Not worth it.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure my in laws also think my SIL 'needs' the financial help they are clearly giving her but it is irritating to my DH. We save and save in hopes of moving into a better house for our family while his sister and BIL buy a boat, new construction house, $$$ vacations, etc.... and then they give her more because she doesn't have savings.

[Anonymous]

As others have mentioned, it easy to accept a parent paying expensive medical bills for a sibling, or paying for a graduate degree or paying for childcare as they start a new job and build up more savings. It's much harder to digest parents enabling.

In my family I never asked my parents for help with medical bills for one of our kids, or to pay for a special private school to better address the special needs and things like that, but my mother went out of her way to repeatedly tell me preemptively that they would not pay for such things when I had no intention of asking. She did promise if we didn't have a wedding we would get money to use for furniture and other things. Turned out she decided she must approve everything and we could never than her enough so we stopped after a few thousand.

One of my siblings meanwhile has my mother funding unemployment (fired due to difficult behavior), her divorce attorney (divorce due to her cheating), private school for the kids (no special needs), and much more.

I just accepted that all and moved on and detached more and then mom was irate that I would not provide emotional support as sibling went through this challenging divorce. I think she is afraid to fund a therapist because the therapist might point out our family is bat sh&t crazy, but I digress. I will not enable and I cannot provide emotional support to someone who cheated even if "it's family!"