Reply to Giving more financial support to one kid and the others are angry

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Your successful kids have the right to be angry. Do what you want with your money, but of course they're going to be passive aggressive toward you about it. I'm surprised they're not just straight-up aggressive about it, honestly.

When I graduated college, my boyfriend (now husband) and I moved into a crappy apartment near the airport and got hourly-wage jobs and barely made ends meet. My parents gave me a car (for which I was very grateful), but otherwise we furnished our own apartment, paid our own rent and grocery bills, etc.

When my brother graduated college two years later, he also got a car, which was fair. And he moved back in with them, which I didn't mind, because I hadn't wanted to do that. And 6 months later when he found a job, they bought him furniture for his new apartment, which did annoy me, because I had done that on my own. And then I later found out that they were giving him money for his student loan payments every month, which they never even offered for me, and they told me as if it didn't even occur to them that it was unfair.

Maybe it was because he has always been the favorite. Or because he was single and I wasn't. Or because he's the youngest. But I was absolutely angry and your kids should be too. The only way to do this fairly is to say to all of them, "I'd like to support you all equally. If you want some help now, I'm happy to help and to make it fair to you all, I'll deduct it from your inheritance in my will." Basically, you're splitting it evenly, but they can choose when they receive it (obviously with caps that allow YOU enough to live comfortably).[/quote]

My parents are giving my sister a significant amount of money so she can buy a new house while keeping her old house as a rental. It is far from enough for her to even pay the whole down payment - but it's an amount that would make a real difference in our lives.

They told me they are taking it out of her inheritance to make it "fair" - but when I suggested that they segregate this amount into its own index fund or something else so that it appreciates the way this house will, they got upset with me for even thinking about it. It turned into a little thing - which I finally let go because the last thing I want to do is fight with my parents or my sister about money.

The fact is you really don't know what will happen with inheritances, though. And also, whatever you try to do, it's never going to feel totally fair. But money is such a trigger and so I think you have to let it go, unless you really are willing to let this poison an otherwise good relationship. I can't imagine you want to do that over some furniture.[/quote]

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