Giving more financial support to one kid and the others are angry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Putting it bluntly OP your other two kids are pissed that you are rewarding their slacker sibling while they have made it on their own.

I guess. I am the more successful of 3 children. I fully expect (because my dad has told me) that their estate plan is to reward my lesser successful siblings. They've worked hard and haven't had major life issues. I just make a lot more than they do.

Even if my father hadn't told me, I would expect them to get a larger share and would be surprised if he had equalized it. If he had equalized it i would assign some over to my siblings. I won't turn down money but they need it more than i do.

Same with my family…particularly when any share of my parent’s estate is just fun money for me, but meaningful to siblings.

At some point if you have an UHNW kid there is no longer any concern over “fairness”.

What is a UHNW kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Putting it bluntly OP your other two kids are pissed that you are rewarding their slacker sibling while they have made it on their own.

I guess. I am the more successful of 3 children. I fully expect (because my dad has told me) that their estate plan is to reward my lesser successful siblings. They've worked hard and haven't had major life issues. I just make a lot more than they do.

Even if my father hadn't told me, I would expect them to get a larger share and would be surprised if he had equalized it. If he had equalized it i would assign some over to my siblings. I won't turn down money but they need it more than i do.

Same with my family…particularly when any share of my parent’s estate is just fun money for me, but meaningful to siblings.

At some point if you have an UHNW kid there is no longer any concern over “fairness”.

What is a UHNW kid?

UHNW

[Anonymous]

*Ultra High Net Worth

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Putting it bluntly OP your other two kids are pissed that you are rewarding their slacker sibling while they have made it on their own.

I guess. I am the more successful of 3 children. I fully expect (because my dad has told me) that their estate plan is to reward my lesser successful siblings. They've worked hard and haven't had major life issues. I just make a lot more than they do.

Even if my father hadn't told me, I would expect them to get a larger share and would be surprised if he had equalized it. If he had equalized it i would assign some over to my siblings. I won't turn down money but they need it more than i do.

Same with my family…particularly when any share of my parent’s estate is just fun money for me, but meaningful to siblings.

At some point if you have an UHNW kid there is no longer any concern over “fairness”.

So all the money should go to the other kids? Doesn't necessarily need to be equal but the UHNW getting nothing seems potentially volatile over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Putting it bluntly OP your other two kids are pissed that you are rewarding their slacker sibling while they have made it on their own.

I guess. I am the more successful of 3 children. I fully expect (because my dad has told me) that their estate plan is to reward my lesser successful siblings. They've worked hard and haven't had major life issues. I just make a lot more than they do.

Even if my father hadn't told me, I would expect them to get a larger share and would be surprised if he had equalized it. If he had equalized it i would assign some over to my siblings. I won't turn down money but they need it more than i do.

Same with my family…particularly when any share of my parent’s estate is just fun money for me, but meaningful to siblings.

At some point if you have an UHNW kid there is no longer any concern over “fairness”.

Yes, but it takes time to reach UHNW… if you ever get there it’s probably after age 40 at the minimum and more often 50-60. Success isn’t made in a day. So along the way if your UHNW kid has to struggle and slowly build themselves up while getting nothing compared to their siblings it will probably bother them.

[Anonymous]

Sibling takes on more responsibility, doesn’t have a steady job and my well-off parents continuously bail him out. He is hopelessly entitled and at the same time plays the victim at ever turn. He is 40+ and still pouts and stomps like a 4 year old when he doesn’t get his way. It is maddening. I can’t help but feel like we are living the Shel Silverstein book and my parents are that damn tree stump.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grown adults who have any opinion on how their parents spend *their own* money is absurd and pathetic.

Grown adults seem to have opinions about how their adult kids spend their time— go look at the family relationships board around Thanksgiving. I don’t see how that’s less absurd and pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are robbing this son of not only a chance to develop some grit, a work ethic, and a sense of responsibility; but you are also poisoning the relationship they will have with their siblings now and after you're gone. Stop enabling and start parenting.

I scanned the responses until I got to someone saying this. It’s exactly right. OP is doing the easy thing now and totally messing things up for the son later when he’s useless and has burned through all the money and the other siblings hate him.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it is totally fine. Everyone has different circumstances. Life is not black and white. Things don't always have to be equal to be fair.

[Anonymous]

Not ok and fosters resentment. I give equally to my kids. If one needs help, they get it but the other receives a gift of same size in a way that I like (provide rent assistance vs. put money in 529 for grandkids).

[Anonymous]

As the more financially successful sibling and the wife of the more financially successful sibling (we’re also both the oldest kids), it’s very frustrating to be the ones who are always expected to be in charge and get zero support- this is also emotional support . We had less than nothing when we were married and earned every single penny. Guess who is also responsible for taking care of the parents? It’s not the younger siblings! We didnt always make this money. So, yes it has a negative impact on our relationships with our parents and our siblings because it’s not just about money. It’s about time, effort, respect, duty, expectations. Op- you should put money aside for your other kids. Also agree that paying for training or schooling is the better choice. Not cars or rent. Surprise your very hardworking other children with a trip/event with you, or a spa day. Some recognition that it’s very difficult to build a life and career, stay married for 20+years, always be responsible for everyone. Your other kid can get a job and do it too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Putting it bluntly OP your other two kids are pissed that you are rewarding their slacker sibling while they have made it on their own.

I guess. I am the more successful of 3 children. I fully expect (because my dad has told me) that their estate plan is to reward my lesser successful siblings. They've worked hard and haven't had major life issues. I just make a lot more than they do.

Even if my father hadn't told me, I would expect them to get a larger share and would be surprised if he had equalized it. If he had equalized it i would assign some over to my siblings. I won't turn down money but they need it more than i do.

Same with my family…particularly when any share of my parent’s estate is just fun money for me, but meaningful to siblings.

At some point if you have an UHNW kid there is no longer any concern over “fairness”.

Yes, but it takes time to reach UHNW… if you ever get there it’s probably after age 40 at the minimum and more often 50-60. Success isn’t made in a day. So along the way if your UHNW kid has to struggle and slowly build themselves up while getting nothing compared to their siblings it will probably bother them.

I am the UHNW kid and hit the min threshold in 30s.

I don’t care if my siblings get more…I don’t expect anything because it’s a rounding error to me and meaningful to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the more financially successful sibling and the wife of the more financially successful sibling (we’re also both the oldest kids), it’s very frustrating to be the ones who are always expected to be in charge and get zero support- this is also emotional support . We had less than nothing when we were married and earned every single penny. Guess who is also responsible for taking care of the parents? It’s not the younger siblings! We didnt always make this money. So, yes it has a negative impact on our relationships with our parents and our siblings because it’s not just about money. It’s about time, effort, respect, duty, expectations. Op- you should put money aside for your other kids. Also agree that paying for training or schooling is the better choice. Not cars or rent. Surprise your very hardworking other children with a trip/event with you, or a spa day. Some recognition that it’s very difficult to build a life and career, stay married for 20+years, always be responsible for everyone. Your other kid can get a job and do it too

Right on!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are robbing this son of not only a chance to develop some grit, a work ethic, and a sense of responsibility; but you are also poisoning the relationship they will have with their siblings now and after you're gone. Stop enabling and start parenting.

I scanned the responses until I got to someone saying this. It’s exactly right. OP is doing the easy thing now and totally messing things up for the son later when he’s useless and has burned through all the money and the other siblings hate him.

Sometimes parenting is to NOT do something- to NOT hold a person back, to NOT enable… some people wired to strive and have work ethic and others need to learn the hard way or YOU need to learn your very adult child is ok with his/her living conditions and lifestyle so you need to be too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:*Ultra High Net Worth

My grandma gave all her kids equal shares, and the UHNW assigned their interest to a sibling who needed it more. In my opinion, this is the best way to maintain family harmony.