Are these comments typical for the age, or is my DD a jerk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's normal, but it's not kind and that's what you need to teach her. It's normal for society to use others to get ahead but it's not right.

It's not normal to me. How does a 7 year old learn to be that nasty?

Op here. I guess I don’t think of those types of comments my DD made as extreme…? Unkind and rude, but not nasty.

Kids have told my kid they would kill her, that they won’t be her friend, she can’t play with them because she’s not a friend, or that her xyz is stupid and dumb. Not often, but I do hear comments like this. I don’t think any of those comments are ok.

They're nasty. These kids make my kids upset and they come home and cry often. I've often wondered what parents would think if they heard how negative they are at school and how they kill the vibe for everyone but it's what I expected. "It's not that bad!" Yes, it is. These kids bring everyone down. Tell her to knock it off.

My kid has come home crying and saying kids were mean or made mean comments (“Your hair looks dumb.”). I told her that wasn’t kind but that’s life and she needs to suck it up. By 1st or 2nd grade I expect kids won’t cry at these one off comments unless there’s a pattern or bullying going on.

Why are we expecting kids to suck it up? If my coworker kept telling me how lame I was, how ugly my hair is, or how bad I am at sports, I would be discussing this with HR.

Exactly. Imagine how beat down you would feel if you had to 'suck it up' all day long in the face of this onslaught. It wears on a person, especially young children. It's not ok or appropriate. How would OPs kid like to hear it all the time? Would OP be ok with other kids talk to her daughter that way? Oh well! They're just competitive! I doubt it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's normal, but it's not kind and that's what you need to teach her. It's normal for society to use others to get ahead but it's not right.

It's not normal to me. How does a 7 year old learn to be that nasty?

Op here. I guess I don’t think of those types of comments my DD made as extreme…? Unkind and rude, but not nasty.

Kids have told my kid they would kill her, that they won’t be her friend, she can’t play with them because she’s not a friend, or that her xyz is stupid and dumb. Not often, but I do hear comments like this. I don’t think any of those comments are ok.

They're nasty. These kids make my kids upset and they come home and cry often. I've often wondered what parents would think if they heard how negative they are at school and how they kill the vibe for everyone but it's what I expected. "It's not that bad!" Yes, it is. These kids bring everyone down. Tell her to knock it off.

My kid has come home crying and saying kids were mean or made mean comments (“Your hair looks dumb.”). I told her that wasn’t kind but that’s life and she needs to suck it up. By 1st or 2nd grade I expect kids won’t cry at these one off comments unless there’s a pattern or bullying going on.

Why are we expecting kids to suck it up? If my coworker kept telling me how lame I was, how ugly my hair is, or how bad I am at sports, I would be discussing this with HR.

One off comments. I said if it was a pattern I’d encourage DD to tell a teacher of telling them to knock it off didn’t work. And you’re an adult.

OPs kids teacher gave several examples. We're not talking about one offs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's normal, but it's not kind and that's what you need to teach her. It's normal for society to use others to get ahead but it's not right.

It's not normal to me. How does a 7 year old learn to be that nasty?

Op here. I guess I don’t think of those types of comments my DD made as extreme…? Unkind and rude, but not nasty.

Kids have told my kid they would kill her, that they won’t be her friend, she can’t play with them because she’s not a friend, or that her xyz is stupid and dumb. Not often, but I do hear comments like this. I don’t think any of those comments are ok.

They're nasty. These kids make my kids upset and they come home and cry often. I've often wondered what parents would think if they heard how negative they are at school and how they kill the vibe for everyone but it's what I expected. "It's not that bad!" Yes, it is. These kids bring everyone down. Tell her to knock it off.

+1

My kid holds it together at school, and then at bedtime all the hurts come tumbling out.

At 7/8 - a lot of kids (including my own) said rude things - and a lot of times upon further investigation it turned out that the unkindnesses went back and forth and it was a crap shoot as to who started it (and usually it was a misunderstanding). And by the end of the day or the next day, everyone was friends again

What all of the PPs are trying to tell you is at your DDs age - it’s not unusual to be rude to classmates, and while it’s likely her friends and classmates won’t hold grudges for long - that window will close and in 2 years if your DD is consistently mean and nasty, she’ll have a hard time keeping friends, which typically makes a 10 year old even more mean.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is allowed to be rigid and honest. You should work on softening the rigidity over time, form everyone's sake.
But she should also be nice. Challenge her to find honest compliments to make, and to cheer on her classmates's efforts. She can have unkind true thoughts, but she should learn which thoughts are better left unsaid.
A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's normal, but it's not kind and that's what you need to teach her. It's normal for society to use others to get ahead but it's not right.

It's not normal to me. How does a 7 year old learn to be that nasty?

Op here. I guess I don’t think of those types of comments my DD made as extreme…? Unkind and rude, but not nasty.

Kids have told my kid they would kill her, that they won’t be her friend, she can’t play with them because she’s not a friend, or that her xyz is stupid and dumb. Not often, but I do hear comments like this. I don’t think any of those comments are ok.

They're nasty. These kids make my kids upset and they come home and cry often. I've often wondered what parents would think if they heard how negative they are at school and how they kill the vibe for everyone but it's what I expected. "It's not that bad!" Yes, it is. These kids bring everyone down. Tell her to knock it off.

My kid has come home crying and saying kids were mean or made mean comments (“Your hair looks dumb.”). I told her that wasn’t kind but that’s life and she needs to suck it up. By 1st or 2nd grade I expect kids won’t cry at these one off comments unless there’s a pattern or bullying going on.

Why are we expecting kids to suck it up? If my coworker kept telling me how lame I was, how ugly my hair is, or how bad I am at sports, I would be discussing this with HR.

Exactly. Imagine how beat down you would feel if you had to 'suck it up' all day long in the face of this onslaught. It wears on a person, especially young children. It's not ok or appropriate. How would OPs kid like to hear it all the time? Would OP be ok with other kids talk to her daughter that way? Oh well! They're just competitive! I doubt it.

This is OP. Kids DO say those things to DD. And not just “Your drawing isn’t that cool,” which is what DD said. But straight up saying her lunch looks gross, or that her xyz is dumb, and pushing/hitting. I have never reached out to the teacher. DD has reported the hitting/pushing which I think is good for her to do but I don’t feel the need to step in. The hitting from one kid in particular hasn’t changed and I’ve just told her to avoid him (he hits more kids than just DD). I have never talked to the teacher about any of it because I assume she knows what she is doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's normal, but it's not kind and that's what you need to teach her. It's normal for society to use others to get ahead but it's not right.

It's not normal to me. How does a 7 year old learn to be that nasty?

Op here. I guess I don’t think of those types of comments my DD made as extreme…? Unkind and rude, but not nasty.

Kids have told my kid they would kill her, that they won’t be her friend, she can’t play with them because she’s not a friend, or that her xyz is stupid and dumb. Not often, but I do hear comments like this. I don’t think any of those comments are ok.

They're nasty. These kids make my kids upset and they come home and cry often. I've often wondered what parents would think if they heard how negative they are at school and how they kill the vibe for everyone but it's what I expected. "It's not that bad!" Yes, it is. These kids bring everyone down. Tell her to knock it off.

+1

My kid holds it together at school, and then at bedtime all the hurts come tumbling out.

At 7/8 - a lot of kids (including my own) said rude things - and a lot of times upon further investigation it turned out that the unkindnesses went back and forth and it was a crap shoot as to who started it (and usually it was a misunderstanding). And by the end of the day or the next day, everyone was friends again

What all of the PPs are trying to tell you is at your DDs age - it’s not unusual to be rude to classmates, and while it’s likely her friends and classmates won’t hold grudges for long - that window will close and in 2 years if your DD is consistently mean and nasty, she’ll have a hard time keeping friends, which typically makes a 10 year old even more mean.

I have an 8 and 10 yr old. My 10yr old DD has been hearing this stuff for years. It really started in 1st grade and it's still going strong in 4th it just gets a little more sophisticated. The comments are said under the breath, out of earshot, and they get more breathtakingly cruel. But, it's the same kids who were doing it back in 1st. The nice kids..... are still nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's normal, but it's not kind and that's what you need to teach her. It's normal for society to use others to get ahead but it's not right.

It's not normal to me. How does a 7 year old learn to be that nasty?

Op here. I guess I don’t think of those types of comments my DD made as extreme…? Unkind and rude, but not nasty.

Kids have told my kid they would kill her, that they won’t be her friend, she can’t play with them because she’s not a friend, or that her xyz is stupid and dumb. Not often, but I do hear comments like this. I don’t think any of those comments are ok.

You sound like you have a healthy perspective on this. Kids this age are still learning what is and is not appropriate (and challenging boundaries and, maybe more compellingly, eventually learning what kind of behavior/statements risks alienating friends).

None of this sounds outside the range of what I hear the average kid this age say/do (which isn't to say it doesn't merit correction). Pay attention to the media she's consuming and what her friends are saying (influenced by their own media consumption and friends). It can sometimes help to catch the inspiration behind certain behaviors, even if just to use it as a case study -- "I heard Sally say X today. I thought it was unkind because Y."

Competitiveness isn't a bad thing. Essentially every successful athlete in the world has a competitive drive. It can make losing tough, and it is very important that she learn to take it on the chin (or at least appear to), if for no other reason than that eventually people won't want to play with her. But having a tough time with it at this age doesn't make her a bad kid -- and I don't think it means that her passion/competitiveness in general is a problem!

The critique of the art was unkind, but again pretty common for kids at this age who don't always have a great filter and who have been taught not to lie -- the drawing probably wasn't very cool! I tell my kid to identify something they like -- the color, even the subject -- "ooh, I love cats!" -- if they are asked directly for an opinion (and certainly never to offer a negative one unsolicited). But it does strike me as kind of a nuanced nicety, so work on teaching it, but of course she'll make mistakes.

I don't have a real problem with good-natured trash talk, and honestly prefer that it be focused on the "positives" ("our team rocks!" "I can score on anyone!") even though that's more "braggy" -- I would have a problem with anything very negative or individualized ("your team sucks!" "Sally never scores!"). If some kid is going to be touchy about the former, I don't think it makes your kids a bad kid for saying it, but part of social awareness is learning to know your audience. I hear boys around this age talk to each other like this a ton (I blame YouTubers), and I'll raise the possibility that the teacher may be reacting to this kind of talk from a girl differently than from a boy. Not necessarily the case, but it's something to be aware of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's normal, but it's not kind and that's what you need to teach her. It's normal for society to use others to get ahead but it's not right.

It's not normal to me. How does a 7 year old learn to be that nasty?

Op here. I guess I don’t think of those types of comments my DD made as extreme…? Unkind and rude, but not nasty.

Kids have told my kid they would kill her, that they won’t be her friend, she can’t play with them because she’s not a friend, or that her xyz is stupid and dumb. Not often, but I do hear comments like this. I don’t think any of those comments are ok.

They're nasty. These kids make my kids upset and they come home and cry often. I've often wondered what parents would think if they heard how negative they are at school and how they kill the vibe for everyone but it's what I expected. "It's not that bad!" Yes, it is. These kids bring everyone down. Tell her to knock it off.

My kid has come home crying and saying kids were mean or made mean comments (“Your hair looks dumb.”). I told her that wasn’t kind but that’s life and she needs to suck it up. By 1st or 2nd grade I expect kids won’t cry at these one off comments unless there’s a pattern or bullying going on.

Why are we expecting kids to suck it up? If my coworker kept telling me how lame I was, how ugly my hair is, or how bad I am at sports, I would be discussing this with HR.

Exactly. Imagine how beat down you would feel if you had to 'suck it up' all day long in the face of this onslaught. It wears on a person, especially young children. It's not ok or appropriate. How would OPs kid like to hear it all the time? Would OP be ok with other kids talk to her daughter that way? Oh well! They're just competitive! I doubt it.

This is OP. Kids DO say those things to DD. And not just “Your drawing isn’t that cool,” which is what DD said. But straight up saying her lunch looks gross, or that her xyz is dumb, and pushing/hitting. I have never reached out to the teacher. DD has reported the hitting/pushing which I think is good for her to do but I don’t feel the need to step in. The hitting from one kid in particular hasn’t changed and I’ve just told her to avoid him (he hits more kids than just DD). I have never talked to the teacher about any of it because I assume she knows what she is doing.

I would absolutely reach out to a teacher on the hitting if it has continued.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's normal, but it's not kind and that's what you need to teach her. It's normal for society to use others to get ahead but it's not right.

It's not normal to me. How does a 7 year old learn to be that nasty?

Op here. I guess I don’t think of those types of comments my DD made as extreme…? Unkind and rude, but not nasty.

Kids have told my kid they would kill her, that they won’t be her friend, she can’t play with them because she’s not a friend, or that her xyz is stupid and dumb. Not often, but I do hear comments like this. I don’t think any of those comments are ok.

They're nasty. These kids make my kids upset and they come home and cry often. I've often wondered what parents would think if they heard how negative they are at school and how they kill the vibe for everyone but it's what I expected. "It's not that bad!" Yes, it is. These kids bring everyone down. Tell her to knock it off.

My kid has come home crying and saying kids were mean or made mean comments (“Your hair looks dumb.”). I told her that wasn’t kind but that’s life and she needs to suck it up. By 1st or 2nd grade I expect kids won’t cry at these one off comments unless there’s a pattern or bullying going on.

Why are we expecting kids to suck it up? If my coworker kept telling me how lame I was, how ugly my hair is, or how bad I am at sports, I would be discussing this with HR.

Exactly. Imagine how beat down you would feel if you had to 'suck it up' all day long in the face of this onslaught. It wears on a person, especially young children. It's not ok or appropriate. How would OPs kid like to hear it all the time? Would OP be ok with other kids talk to her daughter that way? Oh well! They're just competitive! I doubt it.

This is OP. Kids DO say those things to DD. And not just “Your drawing isn’t that cool,” which is what DD said. But straight up saying her lunch looks gross, or that her xyz is dumb, and pushing/hitting. I have never reached out to the teacher. DD has reported the hitting/pushing which I think is good for her to do but I don’t feel the need to step in. The hitting from one kid in particular hasn’t changed and I’ve just told her to avoid him (he hits more kids than just DD). I have never talked to the teacher about any of it because I assume she knows what she is doing.

Then just ignore the teacher because what comes around goes around. Nothing to discuss with your DD.

[Anonymous]

FWIW I think #1 actually sounds the meanest. She essentially told a kid who is bad at drawing that their drawing sucked unsolicited and for no reason. That IS mean girl behavior. It's not abnormal in the sense that 1st graders can be mean and many of them grow out of it, but the kids that teachers would identify as "nice kids" do not do #1.

#2 I think is actually not particularly mean or rude. Maybe untactful and possibly even wrong, but there is nothing wrong with the underlying message there. This is all the more true if they have underlying rigidity issues -- clearly not driven by meanness.

#3 could be mean depending on context, but sounds pretty normal to me and "nice kids" would occasionally do it too. I'd tell my kid to knock it off, but I wouldn't be upset if lots of kids were participating and she wasn't purposely picking on the actually worst player or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's normal, but it's not kind and that's what you need to teach her. It's normal for society to use others to get ahead but it's not right.

It's not normal to me. How does a 7 year old learn to be that nasty?

Op here. I guess I don’t think of those types of comments my DD made as extreme…? Unkind and rude, but not nasty.

Kids have told my kid they would kill her, that they won’t be her friend, she can’t play with them because she’s not a friend, or that her xyz is stupid and dumb. Not often, but I do hear comments like this. I don’t think any of those comments are ok.

They're nasty. These kids make my kids upset and they come home and cry often. I've often wondered what parents would think if they heard how negative they are at school and how they kill the vibe for everyone but it's what I expected. "It's not that bad!" Yes, it is. These kids bring everyone down. Tell her to knock it off.

My kid has come home crying and saying kids were mean or made mean comments (“Your hair looks dumb.”). I told her that wasn’t kind but that’s life and she needs to suck it up. By 1st or 2nd grade I expect kids won’t cry at these one off comments unless there’s a pattern or bullying going on.

Why are we expecting kids to suck it up? If my coworker kept telling me how lame I was, how ugly my hair is, or how bad I am at sports, I would be discussing this with HR.

Exactly. Imagine how beat down you would feel if you had to 'suck it up' all day long in the face of this onslaught. It wears on a person, especially young children. It's not ok or appropriate. How would OPs kid like to hear it all the time? Would OP be ok with other kids talk to her daughter that way? Oh well! They're just competitive! I doubt it.

This is OP. Kids DO say those things to DD. And not just “Your drawing isn’t that cool,” which is what DD said. But straight up saying her lunch looks gross, or that her xyz is dumb, and pushing/hitting. I have never reached out to the teacher. DD has reported the hitting/pushing which I think is good for her to do but I don’t feel the need to step in. The hitting from one kid in particular hasn’t changed and I’ve just told her to avoid him (he hits more kids than just DD). I have never talked to the teacher about any of it because I assume she knows what she is doing.

Then just ignore the teacher because what comes around goes around. Nothing to discuss with your DD.

My point is that I tell DD we can each only control our own actions and be responsibility for our own behaviors. I do tell her to be kind and that her own questionable behaviors will have consequences and she will lose friends if she says mean things. There is nothing I can do about Billy telling her that her lunch looks gross because I packed her “ethnic food.” But she can choose to be proud of her own heritage, which she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW I think #1 actually sounds the meanest. She essentially told a kid who is bad at drawing that their drawing sucked unsolicited and for no reason. That IS mean girl behavior. It's not abnormal in the sense that 1st graders can be mean and many of them grow out of it, but the kids that teachers would identify as "nice kids" do not do #1.

#2 I think is actually not particularly mean or rude. Maybe untactful and possibly even wrong, but there is nothing wrong with the underlying message there. This is all the more true if they have underlying rigidity issues -- clearly not driven by meanness.

#3 could be mean depending on context, but sounds pretty normal to me and "nice kids" would occasionally do it too. I'd tell my kid to knock it off, but I wouldn't be upset if lots of kids were participating and she wasn't purposely picking on the actually worst player or something.

#1 DD still shouldn’t have made the comment, bad artist or not. But the classmate isn’t a bad drawer. She generally does much better stuff which is why DD said her blob wasn’t that cool.

[Anonymous]

You're getting defensive. It doesn't matter what the other kids are saying/doing. Deal with that separately. But the tit for tat isn't good. Are you proud of the things your daughter is saying? If I hear my kids being mean I address it even if they are retaliating. Mean is mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW I think #1 actually sounds the meanest. She essentially told a kid who is bad at drawing that their drawing sucked unsolicited and for no reason. That IS mean girl behavior. It's not abnormal in the sense that 1st graders can be mean and many of them grow out of it, but the kids that teachers would identify as "nice kids" do not do #1.

#2 I think is actually not particularly mean or rude. Maybe untactful and possibly even wrong, but there is nothing wrong with the underlying message there. This is all the more true if they have underlying rigidity issues -- clearly not driven by meanness.

#3 could be mean depending on context, but sounds pretty normal to me and "nice kids" would occasionally do it too. I'd tell my kid to knock it off, but I wouldn't be upset if lots of kids were participating and she wasn't purposely picking on the actually worst player or something.

I hear a lot of #3 on the field from most kids but I still don’t like it. I guess it was happening at school because her team was up against a team with a classmate and they were both doing the dumb “You’re going down” “No YOU are” type stuff when they got to school wearing their soccer jerseys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's normal, but it's not kind and that's what you need to teach her. It's normal for society to use others to get ahead but it's not right.

It's not normal to me. How does a 7 year old learn to be that nasty?

Op here. I guess I don’t think of those types of comments my DD made as extreme…? Unkind and rude, but not nasty.

Kids have told my kid they would kill her, that they won’t be her friend, she can’t play with them because she’s not a friend, or that her xyz is stupid and dumb. Not often, but I do hear comments like this. I don’t think any of those comments are ok.

They're nasty. These kids make my kids upset and they come home and cry often. I've often wondered what parents would think if they heard how negative they are at school and how they kill the vibe for everyone but it's what I expected. "It's not that bad!" Yes, it is. These kids bring everyone down. Tell her to knock it off.

My kid has come home crying and saying kids were mean or made mean comments (“Your hair looks dumb.”). I told her that wasn’t kind but that’s life and she needs to suck it up. By 1st or 2nd grade I expect kids won’t cry at these one off comments unless there’s a pattern or bullying going on.

Why are we expecting kids to suck it up? If my coworker kept telling me how lame I was, how ugly my hair is, or how bad I am at sports, I would be discussing this with HR.

Exactly. Imagine how beat down you would feel if you had to 'suck it up' all day long in the face of this onslaught. It wears on a person, especially young children. It's not ok or appropriate. How would OPs kid like to hear it all the time? Would OP be ok with other kids talk to her daughter that way? Oh well! They're just competitive! I doubt it.

NP. You have to teach kids different things depending on which side of these interactions they're on. If your kid is being mean, by all means emphasize empathy. If your kid is receiving meanness, teach them to weather it with resilience. Most kids will be on one side and the other at some point in their lives. Kids need to learn empathy, but they also need to learn to let this stuff roll off them because it's still going to happen. Your parents encouraging you to wallow in it doesn't help.