Are these comments typical for the age, or is my DD a jerk?

[Anonymous]

First, I would ask myself if the family (myself, spouse and older children) model kindness. If not, then the home dynamics must change.

Then I would tell my child that the teacher has emailed about her behavior. I would ask if she knows what the teacher is talking about and share the examples from the email. Even if my child disagrees that she's being mean, I would insist that she change her attitude in class. The teacher is the adult with authority and part of going to school is following the teacher's rules even if you don't always agree. Now, she can talk to you about these rules and you can hash out why they may or may not be fair and if you feel that the teacher is targeting your child then you are dealing with a different issue.
For now I wouldn't address the issues at soccer but just focus on behavior at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's normal for many 7 yr olds -- in that many do:

-not filter rude and critical opinions
-are too rigid, gatekeep the rules, or are sore losers
-are overly braggy and boastful.

But all three of those are thoroughly negative traits that should be discussed and corrected. Because, if the kid continues to exhibit them at around age 9/10, she will then be the annoying/obnoxious kid that no one wants to be friends with.

Maybe the teacher said something because your DD is exhibiting THE TRIFECTA. Oooof. As many PPs said, they know kids that might do like one or two out of the three.

Bottom lines- those are objectively annoying qualities, so nip them in the bud.

I think I'm going to add a board game evening to see DD play different games and help her handle losing better. I have played games with her before and taken her to sports and she has always been fine with losing (better than her dad lol), so this is relatively new. I don't know if it's the age, or she's becoming more competitive, or she's just a jerk, but yes absolutely I am aiming to nip them in the bud.

She isn't rude in every day life or activities that I have seen (have had party hosts come up and comment on how polite and pleasant she was at Larlo's bday), so I was surprised and very disappointed by that one too. She IS braggy (ugh) which I am so mortified by and I have been working on that with her.

[Anonymous]

It's not that far outside the bounds of normal. But she's really going to have to learn, fast, that it's not nice.

Some kids can make a little throwaway comment like this and it's no big deal. They say it to a friend, and the friend knows to laugh it off. But for some kids, they say it to the wrong person or they make these comments so often that it becomes their personality, and it's not a good one.

[Anonymous]

I would not pull her out of soccer. Exercise, plus learning teamwork is huge for kids especially if you suspect anything like ADHD or ASD.

You need to focus on explicitly teaching and role-playing what to do when she has the urge to say something critical. The Kazdin method emphasizes praise and a reward chart. He has a couple of books that we found helpful. See if the teacher would be willing to communicate very briefly daily for a bit on how DD is doing--be clear that you just want a one word answer (fine) if it was a good day and a short description of the problem (accused classmates of cheating at 4 Square) if there was an issue. Focus on reinforcing positive behavior and don't freak out about the negative behavior.

[Anonymous]

It’s in the range of what you see among kids this age, but it’s something you should definitely work on with your kid. My 4th grader has a few kids in his grade that are like this. Maybe it’s a coincidence, but these same kids seem to have attention/self control issues. Not sure if they are diagnosed with ADHD but the tendencies seem to be there.

I think a lot of parents assume all kids are inherently “good” and experiences/environment can make them “bad”. I tend to think the opposite. Without guidance from adults, kids will give in to their worst impulses. We have to be proactive to instill kindness, humility, flexibility, and acceptance in our kids. It doesn’t just happen magically. If you don’t actively teach kids these things from a young age, they will be jerks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s in the range of what you see among kids this age, but it’s something you should definitely work on with your kid. My 4th grader has a few kids in his grade that are like this. Maybe it’s a coincidence, but these same kids seem to have attention/self control issues. Not sure if they are diagnosed with ADHD but the tendencies seem to be there.

I think a lot of parents assume all kids are inherently “good” and experiences/environment can make them “bad”. I tend to think the opposite. Without guidance from adults, kids will give in to their worst impulses. We have to be proactive to instill kindness, humility, flexibility, and acceptance in our kids. It doesn’t just happen magically. If you don’t actively teach kids these things from a young age, they will be jerks.

+1 million

[Anonymous]

I agree it's within the range of normal, but might also be a flag for a borderline ASD, which in girls can often manifest as this sort of very blunt, or rule-focused approach to things. I'd keep an eye on it, and also on how her friendships are developing. Over the next few years, girls start to develop much more nuanced ways of communicating and this is where girls who are on the spectrum or near the spectrum start to struggle socially when they miss these social cues and are more blunt than is typically expected. (Just as an example, think about all the times your female friends have bought awful clothes/had awful haircuts and asked you what you thought.....what did you say? There's a lot more tolerance for blunt responses in the male world -- my teen son's friends would absolutely tell him if he got an awful haircut, and there might even be a nickname associated iwth it. Whereas my daughter's friends would go out of their way to tell her that it looked really good, even or especially if it was awful.)

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a very young brat. She is starting out as a jerk. This will get worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normal for 1st grade but also needs to be consistently addressed. The teacher may be mentioning behavior like this to all the parents, as a reminder to them that even if this is "age appropriate" it's still ant-social behavior kids need to learn to control. She may not be singling your DD out, but just generally letting parents know to keep an eye on this developmentally appropriate, but still rude, behavior.

This is reassuring. And yes of course I am addressing the behaviors at home. But also good to hear that the behaviors are not out of the norm.

DP and I think you should be concerned that you are looking for reassurance. I know a parent like you who is constantly excusing her increasingly jerky, even violent kid. He just gets worse and she's constantly finding reasons why it's OK.

You might think you are "of course" addressing the behavior, but since you're looking for reassurance that your kid is "normal" instead of distressed by your kid's behavior, I doubt you're as effective as you think you are at addressing it.

Time for some soul searching, OP.

I think it is weird that people are automatically assuming DD is a mean kid and that I’m a “mean kid mom.” Of course I want to know that my is within the bounds of normal! I was mortified to get the email from her teacher and immediately corrected DD at home with the possibility of pulling her out of soccer (her top activity) if this behavior continues. I probably came down harder than most because I’m from an immigrant family and getting these communications from a teacher is frankly unacceptable and mortifying. I am absolutely “distressed” by it.

But I would also like to know if these are normal kid comments at this age (which I thought so and was reassured they are) or whether teacher is flagging DD specifically because these are out of the norm.

I didn't say the bolded. At all.

I think it was a different person upthread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s in the range of what you see among kids this age, but it’s something you should definitely work on with your kid. My 4th grader has a few kids in his grade that are like this. Maybe it’s a coincidence, but these same kids seem to have attention/self control issues. Not sure if they are diagnosed with ADHD but the tendencies seem to be there.

I think a lot of parents assume all kids are inherently “good” and experiences/environment can make them “bad”. I tend to think the opposite. Without guidance from adults, kids will give in to their worst impulses. We have to be proactive to instill kindness, humility, flexibility, and acceptance in our kids. It doesn’t just happen magically. If you don’t actively teach kids these things from a young age, they will be jerks.

There's an obvious link -- one component of ADHD is limited impulse control. So if you see someone breaking the rules, you will have an impulse to say "That's not allowed! He's breaking the rules!" Some kids are better are suppressing that impulse and thinking about "Does it matter if he breaks that rule? Is there a nicer way or time to point that out to him?" The kid with ADHD will think those things too, but sometimes not until the words are already out of his mouth. I say this as someone with ADHD and two kids with ADHD. Especially at that age, holding your tongue is often the hardest part. It's something all kids are working on, but is a bit harder for kids with ADHD. And kids with ASD have issues with that as well.

[Anonymous]

Therapy can really help kids with this kind of thing. The therapist my kid saw would literally play board games with them to help them learn emotional regulation.

Some of the things you've mentioned raise a flag for autism--rigidity, being literal, not reading social cues, some immaturity. Girls are definitely under diagnosed with autism and ADHD. I'd see about getting an evaluation by someone who is an expert in the field (not a regular ped but someone who specializes in this area)

[Anonymous]

Perhaps it's happening too often at school, so she stands out from others.

It's s normal if it's not too frequent, but you have to nip it in the bud before she gets older. My kid used to brag a lot about this one activity when she was 8. DH and I told her we are her brag zone. Everywhere else, she had to cut it out. So she brags to us and we cheer her on. She is humble with everyone else

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's normal, but it's not kind and that's what you need to teach her. It's normal for society to use others to get ahead but it's not right.

It's not normal to me. How does a 7 year old learn to be that nasty?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps it's happening too often at school, so she stands out from others.

It's s normal if it's not too frequent, but you have to nip it in the bud before she gets older. My kid used to brag a lot about this one activity when she was 8. DH and I told her we are her brag zone. Everywhere else, she had to cut it out. So she brags to us and we cheer her on. She is humble with everyone else

I like the brag zone idea, I’m going to use that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's normal, but it's not kind and that's what you need to teach her. It's normal for society to use others to get ahead but it's not right.

It's not normal to me. How does a 7 year old learn to be that nasty?

Op here. I guess I don’t think of those types of comments my DD made as extreme…? Unkind and rude, but not nasty.

Kids have told my kid they would kill her, that they won’t be her friend, she can’t play with them because she’s not a friend, or that her xyz is stupid and dumb. Not often, but I do hear comments like this. I don’t think any of those comments are ok.