Are these comments typical for the age, or is my DD a jerk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Normal for 1st grade but also needs to be consistently addressed. The teacher may be mentioning behavior like this to all the parents, as a reminder to them that even if this is "age appropriate" it's still ant-social behavior kids need to learn to control. She may not be singling your DD out, but just generally letting parents know to keep an eye on this developmentally appropriate, but still rude, behavior.

This is reassuring. And yes of course I am addressing the behaviors at home. But also good to hear that the behaviors are not out of the norm.

[Anonymous]

Normal, slightly rude child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 7 year old DD wouldn't do the first or third, but would do the second. More than a few of her friends would do the others, though, so I'd say normal.

+1
She's competitive. Sports kids are big on bravado and talking smack but it's good you are aware to guide her into being aware of the feelings of others (are they participating in the smack talk and is it harmless or is one side quiet). Kids love to say they're the fastest, best... but some kids are sensitive to that and will feel those words as a condemnation or take it to heart and maybe believe they can't play well or are just bad at art and get frustrated. It's important that she know this and you’ll probably have to remind her all the time. I have one of each kid and they find their tribe but right now you have a great opportunity to help her be aware

The smack talk I’ve seen is two sided but I still don’t like it. DD is NOT the fastest or best despite what she says. And I don’t like the bravado anyway. It’s something I talk about at home and tell her she is not the best, it’s not about winning it’s about improving, but that just seems to fuel her up to work work work to be the best eventually. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

The teacher may feel that the comments, while pretty common for that age group, reflect something a little off in your daughter's psychological profile, but since she doesn't have the expertise to really pinpoint issues, she just wants to brinh the behavioral problems to your attention.

Possibly your kid has ADHD, or mild autism, or something along those lines. I say this as a parent of teens and young adults, one of whom has ADHD/ASD, and who has seen my fair share of kids with autism or ADHD behave like this.

NOT TO SAY THAT YOUR KID HAS A DIAGNOSIS!!! But your description of mental rigidity, etc, kind of rings a bell here.

The best thing for you to do is talk to your kid regularly about keeping mean remarks in her head and reminding her what constitutes a "mean" remark.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The teacher may feel that the comments, while pretty common for that age group, reflect something a little off in your daughter's psychological profile, but since she doesn't have the expertise to really pinpoint issues, she just wants to brinh the behavioral problems to your attention.

Possibly your kid has ADHD, or mild autism, or something along those lines. I say this as a parent of teens and young adults, one of whom has ADHD/ASD, and who has seen my fair share of kids with autism or ADHD behave like this.

NOT TO SAY THAT YOUR KID HAS A DIAGNOSIS!!! But your description of mental rigidity, etc, kind of rings a bell here.

The best thing for you to do is talk to your kid regularly about keeping mean remarks in her head and reminding her what constitutes a "mean" remark.

Yes. I am worried about ADHD as I suspect DH and his sibling have undiagnosed ADHD. The rigidity has always been there (DH has it too) though it has certainly gotten better since the prek days. I am hoping she grows out of it and can learn to better let things go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normal for 1st grade but also needs to be consistently addressed. The teacher may be mentioning behavior like this to all the parents, as a reminder to them that even if this is "age appropriate" it's still ant-social behavior kids need to learn to control. She may not be singling your DD out, but just generally letting parents know to keep an eye on this developmentally appropriate, but still rude, behavior.

This is reassuring. And yes of course I am addressing the behaviors at home. But also good to hear that the behaviors are not out of the norm.

DP and I think you should be concerned that you are looking for reassurance. I know a parent like you who is constantly excusing her increasingly jerky, even violent kid. He just gets worse and she's constantly finding reasons why it's OK.

You might think you are "of course" addressing the behavior, but since you're looking for reassurance that your kid is "normal" instead of distressed by your kid's behavior, I doubt you're as effective as you think you are at addressing it.

Time for some soul searching, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normal for 1st grade but also needs to be consistently addressed. The teacher may be mentioning behavior like this to all the parents, as a reminder to them that even if this is "age appropriate" it's still ant-social behavior kids need to learn to control. She may not be singling your DD out, but just generally letting parents know to keep an eye on this developmentally appropriate, but still rude, behavior.

This is reassuring. And yes of course I am addressing the behaviors at home. But also good to hear that the behaviors are not out of the norm.

DP and I think you should be concerned that you are looking for reassurance. I know a parent like you who is constantly excusing her increasingly jerky, even violent kid. He just gets worse and she's constantly finding reasons why it's OK.

You might think you are "of course" addressing the behavior, but since you're looking for reassurance that your kid is "normal" instead of distressed by your kid's behavior, I doubt you're as effective as you think you are at addressing it.

Time for some soul searching, OP.

I think it is weird that people are automatically assuming DD is a mean kid and that I’m a “mean kid mom.” Of course I want to know that my is within the bounds of normal! I was mortified to get the email from her teacher and immediately corrected DD at home with the possibility of pulling her out of soccer (her top activity) if this behavior continues. I probably came down harder than most because I’m from an immigrant family and getting these communications from a teacher is frankly unacceptable and mortifying. I am absolutely “distressed” by it.

But I would also like to know if these are normal kid comments at this age (which I thought so and was reassured they are) or whether teacher is flagging DD specifically because these are out of the norm.

[Anonymous]

She’s not going to win friends or influence people that way. Enroll her in Andrew Carnegie’s next conference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 7yo DD's teacher said that she has made some comments at school, and she'd like me to follow up at home. I am doing that, but would also like DCUM's take on whether DD's meanness is out of the norm?

Examples

They draw or write about what they plan to do on the weekend. DD told her tablemate, who had drawn a blob, that her drawing "isn't that cool." DD also said a classmate said something similar about someone else's Friday diary before (The classmate had said something like "Your picture isn't very good" and the teacher said that was just her opinion, so DD said she thought it was ok to critique too).

The kids are instructed to play "PE rules only" for recess 4 square. Teacher said DD accused kids of cheating and was mad at being out. I don't know how the PE rules are different, but according to DD a couple kids were playing regular rules and that's why DD said they were cheating.

Another example is that she plays in a soccer league with lots of kids in her grade, and she (along with a couple other classmates) were talking to each other "You guys are going DOWN! Your team isn't as good as mine! We are really good! I kicked in 2 goals on Saturday."

I fully admit that DD can be rigid and a stickler for rules. She can also be braggy in situations like when lots of soccer players are around and she wants to boast about her team. We are working on those things. Of course DD shouldn't be volunteering comments that aren't nice, and she certainly doesn't need to be refereeing recess. But... isn't stuff like this expected for 6 and 7 year olds? I hear kids talking trash and being silly all the time. Naturally I haven't said any of this to DD and just instructed her to be kind, that if she doesn't have anything to say to say nothing, and that she is not the teacher/ref/rulekeeper. And if she can't get it together, there will be more consequences at home, like pulling her out of soccer if that's making her too competitive and unkind. But I also recall growing up... MUCH worse things were said to me and nothing ever happened.

You are looking for reassurance from people who a) don’t know your kid and b) who are only given “your side of the story.” The teacher knows your kid and sees them in a different environment (away from you and without rose colored parenting glasses). She has told you your child needs support at home for her behavior. Teachers know normal behavior for children (more so than you do - it’s literally their job) and let a lot of behaviors slide. If the teacher tells you there is a problem, I wonder why you doubt them? It’s classic behavior of a parent of a mean kid. Always making excuses for their kid instead of addressing their kid’s problems.

That is what I am worried about - that the reason teacher is sending email home is something more but she won’t say. Like maybe there are worse behaviors she is seeing or a related concern that she’s hinting at? Because just based on what the teacher said in the email, I was surprised to be contacted. That’s why I am asking here.

I’m PP. I used to teach elementary school. Again, this isn’t the appropriate forum if you really want to address the problem. If you want to be reassured by a bunch of internet strangers that the behavior is normal, then this is the place. Otherwise, you should be talking to the teacher and asking for more detail. Teachers know there is developmentally appropriate behavior and differences in personality and take this into account when looking at a child’s behavior. And dealing with parents, especially ones who have kids displaying mean behavior, is usually a huge hassle because the amount of denial. This teacher thought it was worth it to bring up. She is probably worried about future social issues for your child based on the feedback she is giving you. She is telling you your child is rigid and blunt and other kids don’t like that. I don’t know how extreme it is, but if there are problems with attention or serious social difficulties she could be alluding to a problem that goes beyond “being mean.”

[Anonymous]

Normal, but rude. Consistently reinforce the inappropriateness of this behavior. Just because it’s normal doesn’t mean it’s appropriate. Nothing like a good old fashioned “if you can’t say anything nice…” and teach her how to find something to compliment even if she doesn’t like something over all - like the color of something or the way one part looks.

There’s a 10 year old like this in my daughter’s class. She’s said things that range from rude to downright mean to pretty much all the other girls in her grade and even some parents. It was brushed off at 8 and 9, but the kids and parents are now very wary of including her in things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if it's normal - and I agree for some kids it is - if it's not the kind of thing you want your kid growing up saying be grateful the teacher is intervening. It gives you a chance to help your DD grow into the kind of person she ought to be, which is better than just "normal."

Agree. Also, if the teacher is reaching out, I am guessing she is kind of an outlier on this stuff. It is hitting the teacher differently than what she sees as typical for this age.

[Anonymous]

It's normal for many 7 yr olds -- in that many do:

-not filter rude and critical opinions
-are too rigid, gatekeep the rules, or are sore losers
-are overly braggy and boastful.

But all three of those are thoroughly negative traits that should be discussed and corrected. Because, if the kid continues to exhibit them at around age 9/10, she will then be the annoying/obnoxious kid that no one wants to be friends with.

Maybe the teacher said something because your DD is exhibiting THE TRIFECTA. Oooof. As many PPs said, they know kids that might do like one or two out of the three.

Bottom lines- those are objectively annoying qualities, so nip them in the bud.

[Anonymous]

Not abnormal, but needs to be corrected. I can’t remember my kids mentioning someone being unkind to them at school like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normal for 1st grade but also needs to be consistently addressed. The teacher may be mentioning behavior like this to all the parents, as a reminder to them that even if this is "age appropriate" it's still ant-social behavior kids need to learn to control. She may not be singling your DD out, but just generally letting parents know to keep an eye on this developmentally appropriate, but still rude, behavior.

This is reassuring. And yes of course I am addressing the behaviors at home. But also good to hear that the behaviors are not out of the norm.

DP and I think you should be concerned that you are looking for reassurance. I know a parent like you who is constantly excusing her increasingly jerky, even violent kid. He just gets worse and she's constantly finding reasons why it's OK.

You might think you are "of course" addressing the behavior, but since you're looking for reassurance that your kid is "normal" instead of distressed by your kid's behavior, I doubt you're as effective as you think you are at addressing it.

Time for some soul searching, OP.

I think it is weird that people are automatically assuming DD is a mean kid and that I’m a “mean kid mom.” Of course I want to know that my is within the bounds of normal! I was mortified to get the email from her teacher and immediately corrected DD at home with the possibility of pulling her out of soccer (her top activity) if this behavior continues. I probably came down harder than most because I’m from an immigrant family and getting these communications from a teacher is frankly unacceptable and mortifying. I am absolutely “distressed” by it.

But I would also like to know if these are normal kid comments at this age (which I thought so and was reassured they are) or whether teacher is flagging DD specifically because these are out of the norm.

I didn't say the bolded. At all.

[Anonymous]

Yea its normal for that age. Its also rude. And some kids who are sensitive will be offended (like my DD who tells me all the rude comments she hears and all the trash talk in 2nd.). She told me with tears in her eyes that some kid made fun of her mom (me). So we got to the bottom of it and it was a "your mom is so ..." joke.
So I'm working on that with my kid and growing a thicker skin and not taking things personally as its not about her. And you need to work on "if you cant say anything nice, don't say anything at all" with your kid.