Are these comments typical for the age, or is my DD a jerk?

[Anonymous]

No, those comments are not typical and the teacher only named a few examples. There is a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, those comments are not typical and the teacher only named a few examples. There is a problem.

All of this

[Anonymous]

Not normal. Her teacher is mentioning it for a reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Probably not abnormal, but also not nice and bratty. I wouldn’t want my kid hanging out with her.

This.

[Anonymous]

Is she your only child?

[Anonymous]

This is not normal. The teachers say the opposite to me about DCs. How kind, thoughtful, inclusive, helpful DC is…

You are getting very negative feedback at an early age. Watch out! Mean girl behavior is a real thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Normal for 1st grade but also needs to be consistently addressed. The teacher may be mentioning behavior like this to all the parents, as a reminder to them that even if this is "age appropriate" it's still ant-social behavior kids need to learn to control. She may not be singling your DD out, but just generally letting parents know to keep an eye on this developmentally appropriate, but still rude, behavior.

This is reassuring. And yes of course I am addressing the behaviors at home. But also good to hear that the behaviors are not out of the norm.

DP and I think you should be concerned that you are looking for reassurance. I know a parent like you who is constantly excusing her increasingly jerky, even violent kid. He just gets worse and she's constantly finding reasons why it's OK.

You might think you are "of course" addressing the behavior, but since you're looking for reassurance that your kid is "normal" instead of distressed by your kid's behavior, I doubt you're as effective as you think you are at addressing it.

Time for some soul searching, OP.

I think it is weird that people are automatically assuming DD is a mean kid and that I’m a “mean kid mom.” Of course I want to know that my is within the bounds of normal! I was mortified to get the email from her teacher and immediately corrected DD at home with the possibility of pulling her out of soccer (her top activity) if this behavior continues. I probably came down harder than most because I’m from an immigrant family and getting these communications from a teacher is frankly unacceptable and mortifying. I am absolutely “distressed” by it.

But I would also like to know if these are normal kid comments at this age (which I thought so and was reassured they are) or whether teacher is flagging DD specifically because these are out of the norm.

I see red flags in your response. Your solution is to punish it versus get to the root of the issue. Your goal, presumably, is to develop a kind human. Kind humans aren't created by extrinsic motivations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 7yo DD's teacher said that she has made some comments at school, and she'd like me to follow up at home. I am doing that, but would also like DCUM's take on whether DD's meanness is out of the norm?

Examples

They draw or write about what they plan to do on the weekend. DD told her tablemate, who had drawn a blob, that her drawing "isn't that cool." DD also said a classmate said something similar about someone else's Friday diary before (The classmate had said something like "Your picture isn't very good" and the teacher said that was just her opinion, so DD said she thought it was ok to critique too).

The kids are instructed to play "PE rules only" for recess 4 square. Teacher said DD accused kids of cheating and was mad at being out. I don't know how the PE rules are different, but according to DD a couple kids were playing regular rules and that's why DD said they were cheating.

Another example is that she plays in a soccer league with lots of kids in her grade, and she (along with a couple other classmates) were talking to each other "You guys are going DOWN! Your team isn't as good as mine! We are really good! I kicked in 2 goals on Saturday."

I fully admit that DD can be rigid and a stickler for rules. She can also be braggy in situations like when lots of soccer players are around and she wants to boast about her team. We are working on those things. Of course DD shouldn't be volunteering comments that aren't nice, and she certainly doesn't need to be refereeing recess. But... isn't stuff like this expected for 6 and 7 year olds? I hear kids talking trash and being silly all the time. Naturally I haven't said any of this to DD and just instructed her to be kind, that if she doesn't have anything to say to say nothing, and that she is not the teacher/ref/rulekeeper. And if she can't get it together, there will be more consequences at home, like pulling her out of soccer if that's making her too competitive and unkind. But I also recall growing up... MUCH worse things were said to me and nothing ever happened.

You are looking for reassurance from people who a) don’t know your kid and b) who are only given “your side of the story.” The teacher knows your kid and sees them in a different environment (away from you and without rose colored parenting glasses). She has told you your child needs support at home for her behavior. Teachers know normal behavior for children (more so than you do - it’s literally their job) and let a lot of behaviors slide. If the teacher tells you there is a problem, I wonder why you doubt them? It’s classic behavior of a parent of a mean kid. Always making excuses for their kid instead of addressing their kid’s problems.

That is what I am worried about - that the reason teacher is sending email home is something more but she won’t say. Like maybe there are worse behaviors she is seeing or a related concern that she’s hinting at? Because just based on what the teacher said in the email, I was surprised to be contacted. That’s why I am asking here.

I suspect she thinks your kid is a jerk. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's normal, but it's not kind and that's what you need to teach her. It's normal for society to use others to get ahead but it's not right.

It's not normal to me. How does a 7 year old learn to be that nasty?

Op here. I guess I don’t think of those types of comments my DD made as extreme…? Unkind and rude, but not nasty.

Kids have told my kid they would kill her, that they won’t be her friend, she can’t play with them because she’s not a friend, or that her xyz is stupid and dumb. Not often, but I do hear comments like this. I don’t think any of those comments are ok.

I don't know... "you are going down!" seems like she's mimicking something

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're getting defensive. It doesn't matter what the other kids are saying/doing. Deal with that separately. But the tit for tat isn't good. Are you proud of the things your daughter is saying? If I hear my kids being mean I address it even if they are retaliating. Mean is mean.

Of course I am getting defensive. People are bringing up random egregious behaviors they have seen and arguing against those in the same breath as DD. If DD were 9 years old and telling other girls their hair looked dumb or that they were poor and had the wrong water bottle, you bet I’d know that was out of the norm. If they were repeated behaviors targeting one or two kids, I’d know that was a more serious problem too.

I am not defending DD’s comments at all. I think they were unkind and rude and absolutely shouldn’t have been shared. I said I am addressing at home. I wanted to know if her comments were really out of the norm. In other words, is this a typical problem that parents have to deal with at this age, or a bigger one that I should be addressing in a different way?

Yes, I think people are telling you to address it regardless. As i mentioned above, the way you are addressing it - the self-reported way- to me gives off red flags that makes me suspect your kid really is a mean one. I would get parent coaching.

I also think people are telling you that if the teacher reports it, it's beyond normal. Maybe not the examples themselves, but the fact that she is reporting it points to the fact that the teacher seems to think there's a larger problem. She could be wrong, but she's probably not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - if you are asking if your kid is in the normal range, or a jerk, based on your descriptions I'd say totally normal.

As you have stated, normal is not the same thing as okay, and it's good you're addressing the situation.

I just wanted to add, please don't pull your kid form a sport they love just to make a point. That is an insanely punitive consequence and it takes her out of the environment where she needs to learn how to do better.

PP again -- I'm quoting this because again, frankly, you sound like you are making parenting decisions that aren't going to result in a nice kid. The whole carrot/stick thing doesn't typically produce kind and thoughtful kids. I say that with kindness, but change your ways. REally do please get coaching

[Anonymous]

Nobody is a jerk at 7.

They are either immature or special needs or unhappy. Only 3 reasons for acting up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody is a jerk at 7.

They are either immature or special needs or unhappy. Only 3 reasons for acting up.

Fake news

[Anonymous]

Wow you people are mean. The kid is 7. I think the PP who suggested ADHD is on the money. I’m a veteran high school teacher but I grew up in a family of elementary teachers and have seen it a lot and it is typical for it to manifest this way in girls. If it runs in the family then you probably have your answer. She may need more support, mostly in the form of building social skills. Every kid has totally different needs so what works for one may not be effective or helpful or necessary for another. Also, just to say, your kid is going to be fine because she has parents who care! Trust me when I say this. I teach teens and i cannot tell you how many kids I have seen with ADHD who adults dismiss or say is trouble or whatever, and since I have been teaching for 16 years and now know them as adults….guess what? They are all fine and thriving! Especially when the parents get involved, like you. Why are we so unforgiving of children (and parents) not being perfect? Really sad. And also foolish…if these critical parents really think their kids will never face issues, think again.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel so much compassion for you and your daughter. I deeply deeply suspect she has ASD. Your daughter is identical to me at that age. She is not struggling with being “mean,” she is struggling with understanding socially acceptable behavior and nuance. As an adult I still struggle with being rigid around rules and fairness and understanding social rules and boundaries. I vividly remember being spanked by a friend’s mom for repeating something sarcastic something else had said at school because I didn’t realize it was rude. I was not trying to be rude, and that and many order similar encounters where looking back I failed to understand social rules really destroyed my self esteem and desire to get along with people. I was often accused of being mean or taking jokes too far, and it still hurts me to this day to remember those instances because I know that was never my intention.

I wish my parents had been MUCH, much gentler and more understanding with me and my social deficits while also offering firm, practical guidance on how to follow social rules. I now do this for my daughter. We role play certain scenarios, discuss acceptable behavior, and explicitly discuss the unfairness of differing social expectations and how crucial it is to follow rules and obey hierarchies even when they make no sense or seem arbitrary. I would suggest offering your daughter explicit, compassionate guidance and signing her up for social skills classes.