Are these comments typical for the age, or is my DD a jerk?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she is a jerk. You need to nip this in the bud. She can do better than this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're getting defensive. It doesn't matter what the other kids are saying/doing. Deal with that separately. But the tit for tat isn't good. Are you proud of the things your daughter is saying? If I hear my kids being mean I address it even if they are retaliating. Mean is mean.

Of course I am getting defensive. People are bringing up random egregious behaviors they have seen and arguing against those in the same breath as DD. If DD were 9 years old and telling other girls their hair looked dumb or that they were poor and had the wrong water bottle, you bet I’d know that was out of the norm. If they were repeated behaviors targeting one or two kids, I’d know that was a more serious problem too.

I am not defending DD’s comments at all. I think they were unkind and rude and absolutely shouldn’t have been shared. I said I am addressing at home. I wanted to know if her comments were really out of the norm. In other words, is this a typical problem that parents have to deal with at this age, or a bigger one that I should be addressing in a different way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW I think #1 actually sounds the meanest. She essentially told a kid who is bad at drawing that their drawing sucked unsolicited and for no reason. That IS mean girl behavior. It's not abnormal in the sense that 1st graders can be mean and many of them grow out of it, but the kids that teachers would identify as "nice kids" do not do #1.

#2 I think is actually not particularly mean or rude. Maybe untactful and possibly even wrong, but there is nothing wrong with the underlying message there. This is all the more true if they have underlying rigidity issues -- clearly not driven by meanness.

#3 could be mean depending on context, but sounds pretty normal to me and "nice kids" would occasionally do it too. I'd tell my kid to knock it off, but I wouldn't be upset if lots of kids were participating and she wasn't purposely picking on the actually worst player or something.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're getting defensive. It doesn't matter what the other kids are saying/doing. Deal with that separately. But the tit for tat isn't good. Are you proud of the things your daughter is saying? If I hear my kids being mean I address it even if they are retaliating. Mean is mean.

Of course I am getting defensive. People are bringing up random egregious behaviors they have seen and arguing against those in the same breath as DD. If DD were 9 years old and telling other girls their hair looked dumb or that they were poor and had the wrong water bottle, you bet I’d know that was out of the norm. If they were repeated behaviors targeting one or two kids, I’d know that was a more serious problem too.

I am not defending DD’s comments at all. I think they were unkind and rude and absolutely shouldn’t have been shared. I said I am addressing at home. I wanted to know if her comments were really out of the norm. In other words, is this a typical problem that parents have to deal with at this age, or a bigger one that I should be addressing in a different way?

I think it sounds like most reasonable responses is that this is fairly typical and not likely a bigger problem, though you might ask for a longer discussion with the teacher to know for sure.

There are several posts from people decrying meanness while calling a child a "brat." I don't think those are worth paying attention to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:FWIW I think #1 actually sounds the meanest. She essentially told a kid who is bad at drawing that their drawing sucked unsolicited and for no reason. That IS mean girl behavior. It's not abnormal in the sense that 1st graders can be mean and many of them grow out of it, but the kids that teachers would identify as "nice kids" do not do #1.

#2 I think is actually not particularly mean or rude. Maybe untactful and possibly even wrong, but there is nothing wrong with the underlying message there. This is all the more true if they have underlying rigidity issues -- clearly not driven by meanness.

#3 could be mean depending on context, but sounds pretty normal to me and "nice kids" would occasionally do it too. I'd tell my kid to knock it off, but I wouldn't be upset if lots of kids were participating and she wasn't purposely picking on the actually worst player or something.

+1

I’m not happy with any of them! But yes they are all upsetting in different ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're getting defensive. It doesn't matter what the other kids are saying/doing. Deal with that separately. But the tit for tat isn't good. Are you proud of the things your daughter is saying? If I hear my kids being mean I address it even if they are retaliating. Mean is mean.

Of course I am getting defensive. People are bringing up random egregious behaviors they have seen and arguing against those in the same breath as DD. If DD were 9 years old and telling other girls their hair looked dumb or that they were poor and had the wrong water bottle, you bet I’d know that was out of the norm. If they were repeated behaviors targeting one or two kids, I’d know that was a more serious problem too.

I am not defending DD’s comments at all. I think they were unkind and rude and absolutely shouldn’t have been shared. I said I am addressing at home. I wanted to know if her comments were really out of the norm. In other words, is this a typical problem that parents have to deal with at this age, or a bigger one that I should be addressing in a different way?

I have never had a teacher share with me that any of my 3 kids have said x, y, and z and to address at home. So, no, I don't think this is totally within the norm if the teacher had a list of things said and this was probably all observed by the teacher. The teacher seems to be pointing out a pattern and you seem to want to brush it off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're getting defensive. It doesn't matter what the other kids are saying/doing. Deal with that separately. But the tit for tat isn't good. Are you proud of the things your daughter is saying? If I hear my kids being mean I address it even if they are retaliating. Mean is mean.

Of course I am getting defensive. People are bringing up random egregious behaviors they have seen and arguing against those in the same breath as DD. If DD were 9 years old and telling other girls their hair looked dumb or that they were poor and had the wrong water bottle, you bet I’d know that was out of the norm. If they were repeated behaviors targeting one or two kids, I’d know that was a more serious problem too.

I am not defending DD’s comments at all. I think they were unkind and rude and absolutely shouldn’t have been shared. I said I am addressing at home. I wanted to know if her comments were really out of the norm. In other words, is this a typical problem that parents have to deal with at this age, or a bigger one that I should be addressing in a different way?

I have never had a teacher share with me that any of my 3 kids have said x, y, and z and to address at home. So, no, I don't think this is totally within the norm if the teacher had a list of things said and this was probably all observed by the teacher. The teacher seems to be pointing out a pattern and you seem to want to brush it off.

I wrote: I am not defending DD’s comments at all. I think they were unkind and rude and absolutely shouldn’t have been shared. I said I am addressing at home. I wanted to know if her comments were really out of the norm. In other words, is this a typical problem that parents have to deal with at this age, or a bigger one that I should be addressing in a different way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're getting defensive. It doesn't matter what the other kids are saying/doing. Deal with that separately. But the tit for tat isn't good. Are you proud of the things your daughter is saying? If I hear my kids being mean I address it even if they are retaliating. Mean is mean.

Of course I am getting defensive. People are bringing up random egregious behaviors they have seen and arguing against those in the same breath as DD. If DD were 9 years old and telling other girls their hair looked dumb or that they were poor and had the wrong water bottle, you bet I’d know that was out of the norm. If they were repeated behaviors targeting one or two kids, I’d know that was a more serious problem too.

I am not defending DD’s comments at all. I think they were unkind and rude and absolutely shouldn’t have been shared. I said I am addressing at home. I wanted to know if her comments were really out of the norm. In other words, is this a typical problem that parents have to deal with at this age, or a bigger one that I should be addressing in a different way?

I have never had a teacher share with me that any of my 3 kids have said x, y, and z and to address at home. So, no, I don't think this is totally within the norm if the teacher had a list of things said and this was probably all observed by the teacher. The teacher seems to be pointing out a pattern and you seem to want to brush it off.

I wrote: I am not defending DD’s comments at all. I think they were unkind and rude and absolutely shouldn’t have been shared. I said I am addressing at home. I wanted to know if her comments were really out of the norm. In other words, is this a typical problem that parents have to deal with at this age, or a bigger one that I should be addressing in a different way?

Yeah, I get it. What you're not hearing is that every kid isn't getting this conversation from the teacher. So no it's not that typical.

[Anonymous]

1- Correct her.

2- Have her back.

3- It depends on context.

[Anonymous]

I’d be embarrassed if my 7 year old acted that way but you are aware and can help make changes. Just don’t believe every excuse she makes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're getting defensive. It doesn't matter what the other kids are saying/doing. Deal with that separately. But the tit for tat isn't good. Are you proud of the things your daughter is saying? If I hear my kids being mean I address it even if they are retaliating. Mean is mean.

Of course I am getting defensive. People are bringing up random egregious behaviors they have seen and arguing against those in the same breath as DD. If DD were 9 years old and telling other girls their hair looked dumb or that they were poor and had the wrong water bottle, you bet I’d know that was out of the norm. If they were repeated behaviors targeting one or two kids, I’d know that was a more serious problem too.

I am not defending DD’s comments at all. I think they were unkind and rude and absolutely shouldn’t have been shared. I said I am addressing at home. I wanted to know if her comments were really out of the norm. In other words, is this a typical problem that parents have to deal with at this age, or a bigger one that I should be addressing in a different way?

I have never had a teacher share with me that any of my 3 kids have said x, y, and z and to address at home. So, no, I don't think this is totally within the norm if the teacher had a list of things said and this was probably all observed by the teacher. The teacher seems to be pointing out a pattern and you seem to want to brush it off.

I wrote: I am not defending DD’s comments at all. I think they were unkind and rude and absolutely shouldn’t have been shared. I said I am addressing at home. I wanted to know if her comments were really out of the norm. In other words, is this a typical problem that parents have to deal with at this age, or a bigger one that I should be addressing in a different way?

I think that what you are missing is that at these young ages lots of stuff is normal, but “frequency, intensity and duration” can be abnormal. If the teacher is emailing you then, likely the teacher is seeing the FID as abnormal. And people on this thread are telling you to consider things like ADHD and autism. No one has a clue if your kid has it, but a 7 year old being flagged like this is time to start doing some reading, meeting with the teacher and talking to your doctor.

[Anonymous]

OP - if you are asking if your kid is in the normal range, or a jerk, based on your descriptions I'd say totally normal.

As you have stated, normal is not the same thing as okay, and it's good you're addressing the situation.

I just wanted to add, please don't pull your kid form a sport they love just to make a point. That is an insanely punitive consequence and it takes her out of the environment where she needs to learn how to do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 7yo DD's teacher said that she has made some comments at school, and she'd like me to follow up at home. I am doing that, but would also like DCUM's take on whether DD's meanness is out of the norm?

Examples

They draw or write about what they plan to do on the weekend. DD told her tablemate, who had drawn a blob, that her drawing "isn't that cool." DD also said a classmate said something similar about someone else's Friday diary before (The classmate had said something like "Your picture isn't very good" and the teacher said that was just her opinion, so DD said she thought it was ok to critique too).

The kids are instructed to play "PE rules only" for recess 4 square. Teacher said DD accused kids of cheating and was mad at being out. I don't know how the PE rules are different, but according to DD a couple kids were playing regular rules and that's why DD said they were cheating.

Another example is that she plays in a soccer league with lots of kids in her grade, and she (along with a couple other classmates) were talking to each other "You guys are going DOWN! Your team isn't as good as mine! We are really good! I kicked in 2 goals on Saturday."

I fully admit that DD can be rigid and a stickler for rules. She can also be braggy in situations like when lots of soccer players are around and she wants to boast about her team. We are working on those things. Of course DD shouldn't be volunteering comments that aren't nice, and she certainly doesn't need to be refereeing recess. But... isn't stuff like this expected for 6 and 7 year olds? I hear kids talking trash and being silly all the time. Naturally I haven't said any of this to DD and just instructed her to be kind, that if she doesn't have anything to say to say nothing, and that she is not the teacher/ref/rulekeeper. And if she can't get it together, there will be more consequences at home, like pulling her out of soccer if that's making her too competitive and unkind. But I also recall growing up... MUCH worse things were said to me and nothing ever happened.

I have a kid like this and two other kids who are very sweet and thoughtful. In life, some people are just jerks and it's not from bad parenting, it's just how their brain is wired. Your kid might be sort of a jerk, and you can either accept it and teach her how to regulate her mouth, or clutch your pearls in embarrassment every time she opens her mouth and react badly by punishing her. It took me a long time to figure out how to take my emotions out of dealing with my jerk kid so I could calmly teach him how people are expected to behave and how to make friends instead of enemies. Natural consequences are an excellent teacher in this situation, there's no need for you to punish her by taking her out of soccer. Good luck and hang in there.

[Anonymous]

As a teacher, no they’re not out of the norm. They ARE the norm for one end of the spectrum of child behavior which is the “leans toward being a brat and not very nice” end of the spectrum. Normal, yes. Acceptable and preferable- no.

A good rule of thumb is if it gets to the point the teacher is telling you, it is a) ongoing, b) not being ameliorated by our interventions and redirections and c) causing issues for other kids or the class. Proceed as you will with that info.

[Anonymous]

Teach her ‘go to’ stance to be one of love and kindness. This is not the norm you should be striving for. Her heart needs to change.