DW doesn’t understand how a sexless marriage effects me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering what OP can do to lighten her load. My DH have been strategizing together how to make time for sex and it has led to a renaissance between us after a long dry spell. Things can and do shift.

I think this is good but the unfortunate thing is that it seems like OP and his wife have already gotten themselves into this situation where she feels like he is demanding sex or pestering her for sex, and so if he says "hey how about I do more dishes so you'll have sex with me" it's going to make the whole thing feel very transactional. Like he can't just do something for her because she needs it or deserves it, it is ultimately going to seem like it's all about him and what he wants from her. And, I mean, for good reason, because that's what it would be. It doesn't sound like he is terribly concerned about making her sex life good.

There is no amount of housework OP can do to make his wife interested in having sex with him.

[Anonymous]

I stopped desiring and/or enjoying sex years ago. Just doesn’t interest me anymore. It my husband’s fault. It’s all on me. I do not blame him for straying and asking for a divorce. I didn’t hold up my end of the bargain so now I’m single. It’s unfortunate but I don’t know what it would take for me to have a libido anymore. I just don’t want or like sex.

[Anonymous]

Meant to say. It’s NOT my husbands fault.

[Anonymous]

PP again: I don’t want to be alone but I guess I would have to change in order to find a partner of the opposite sex. Otherwise maybe I will meet a friend who wants to grow old together. I dunno. ….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

The soldier knows why he isn't having sex, and it's not because someone doesn't love him anymore. Same with the spouse of an ill person. You know that it's not a reflection of their attraction to you, your worth as a person, their selfishness, or their indifference. OP has no such assurances.

There is so much to upack with you I don't know where to start... but I'll start here.

So you agree, it's all in his head. If he was in a different situation then he would be fine. So it's not really the lack of sex making him depressed. A therapist can help him unpack why he is really depresses.

Perhaps he's depressed because he (like you ) think sex = love and he feels unloved, even though that is not the case. Again, therapy can help with that.

DP. I guess I can understand that he needs therapy based on your summation. But you have to admit that for many people, men and women, sex=love. And YOU said it’s not the case that he feels unloved, when he really might FEEL unloved and actually be unloved. They are thinking if my spouse doesn’t WANT to have sex with me, they don’t love me. Emphasis on “WANT”. Clearly this DH doesn’t know why his DW is withholding. The combination of all of this has caused a complete upheaval in everything he does. To some, just having sex makes everything better (for the want-er). He’s angry, he’s depressed, he’s anxious and he is attributing all of that to not having sex with his wife. So sure he needs therapy, but therapy isn’t going to get him IMMEDIATE sex with his wife or (based on the title of the thread) help is WIFE understand how a sexless marriage affects HIM.

I’m only presenting what he might be perceiving, and perception is everything even if it’s not actually reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

The soldier knows why he isn't having sex, and it's not because someone doesn't love him anymore. Same with the spouse of an ill person. You know that it's not a reflection of their attraction to you, your worth as a person, their selfishness, or their indifference. OP has no such assurances.

There is so much to upack with you I don't know where to start... but I'll start here.

So you agree, it's all in his head. If he was in a different situation then he would be fine. So it's not really the lack of sex making him depressed. A therapist can help him unpack why he is really depresses.

Perhaps he's depressed because he (like you ) think sex = love and he feels unloved, even though that is not the case. Again, therapy can help with that.

It's not unusual for sex to be tied up in feelings of love. Kind of weird that you think it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering what OP can do to lighten her load. My DH have been strategizing together how to make time for sex and it has led to a renaissance between us after a long dry spell. Things can and do shift.

I think this is good but the unfortunate thing is that it seems like OP and his wife have already gotten themselves into this situation where she feels like he is demanding sex or pestering her for sex, and so if he says "hey how about I do more dishes so you'll have sex with me" it's going to make the whole thing feel very transactional. Like he can't just do something for her because she needs it or deserves it, it is ultimately going to seem like it's all about him and what he wants from her. And, I mean, for good reason, because that's what it would be. It doesn't sound like he is terribly concerned about making her sex life good.

There is no amount of housework OP can do to make his wife interested in having sex with him.

I mean, maybe there is. Some low sex marriages are that way simply because the wife doesn't have enough time to feel her libido. But there are lots of reasons for low libido and this is only one of many. I feel like this gets thrown out as a solution way more often than is appropriate. (And when the low-libido wife throws it out as a solution; if it doesn't work, it looks very self-serving and can create some real trust issues.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP again: I don’t want to be alone but I guess I would have to change in order to find a partner of the opposite sex. Otherwise maybe I will meet a friend who wants to grow old together. I dunno. ….

Makes me think of Bojack Horseman where Todd creates a dating site for asexual people. I don't know if there really is one, but there should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have slipped into a sexless marriage and it is severely affecting me emotionally and mentally. Sex has always been important to me and she has always known that. The rejection and physical frustration weigh on my psyche and impact our relationship, my attitude at work, and my overall mood. She knows this and thinks I am being unreasonable and childish. I try to move on and set it aside as something that is just gone, like a deceased relative. But it doesn’t work that way and she just doesn’t get it.
I wont leave her over it and will never cheat because I don’t want my DD to ever have to think of me as that kind of man. I’ve had opportunity but won’t do it.
I’m just miserable and don’t want to be this way any longer. Most of all, I wish she understood and would discuss it without accusing me of being like a horny teen. She doesn’t think sex is important after 40 or after kids.

You want your DD to think you are the kind of man who gives up and lets his wife abandon a core part of their relationship? You want her to learn that this is acceptable treatment of a spouse? You want to model this unhealthy relationship to her and your son-in-law?

As long as the person you have sex with clearly understand you are FWB, and isn't looking for a relationship, it's not cheating at all to feed yourself what your spouse refuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

The soldier knows why he isn't having sex, and it's not because someone doesn't love him anymore. Same with the spouse of an ill person. You know that it's not a reflection of their attraction to you, your worth as a person, their selfishness, or their indifference. OP has no such assurances.

There is so much to upack with you I don't know where to start... but I'll start here.

So you agree, it's all in his head. If he was in a different situation then he would be fine. So it's not really the lack of sex making him depressed. A therapist can help him unpack why he is really depresses.

Perhaps he's depressed because he (like you ) think sex = love and he feels unloved, even though that is not the case. Again, therapy can help with that.

DP. I guess I can understand that he needs therapy based on your summation. But you have to admit that for many people, men and women, sex=love. And YOU said it’s not the case that he feels unloved, when he really might FEEL unloved and actually be unloved. They are thinking if my spouse doesn’t WANT to have sex with me, they don’t love me. Emphasis on “WANT”. Clearly this DH doesn’t know why his DW is withholding. The combination of all of this has caused a complete upheaval in everything he does. To some, just having sex makes everything better (for the want-er). He’s angry, he’s depressed, he’s anxious and he is attributing all of that to not having sex with his wife. So sure he needs therapy, but therapy isn’t going to get him IMMEDIATE sex with his wife or (based on the title of the thread) help is WIFE understand how a sexless marriage affects HIM.

I’m only presenting what he might be perceiving, and perception is everything even if it’s not actually reality.

It *feels* like the person who is supposed to love you best in the world - even *she* doesn't want to have sex with you. What an unlovable loser you must be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering what OP can do to lighten her load. My DH have been strategizing together how to make time for sex and it has led to a renaissance between us after a long dry spell. Things can and do shift.

I think this is good but the unfortunate thing is that it seems like OP and his wife have already gotten themselves into this situation where she feels like he is demanding sex or pestering her for sex, and so if he says "hey how about I do more dishes so you'll have sex with me" it's going to make the whole thing feel very transactional. Like he can't just do something for her because she needs it or deserves it, it is ultimately going to seem like it's all about him and what he wants from her. And, I mean, for good reason, because that's what it would be. It doesn't sound like he is terribly concerned about making her sex life good.

There is no amount of housework OP can do to make his wife interested in having sex with him.

I mean, maybe there is. Some low sex marriages are that way simply because the wife doesn't have enough time to feel her libido. But there are lots of reasons for low libido and this is only one of many. I feel like this gets thrown out as a solution way more often than is appropriate. (And when the low-libido wife throws it out as a solution; if it doesn't work, it looks very self-serving and can create some real trust issues.)

I'm the PP who pushed back a little on your statement, and I agree with you. There are so many times when the wife isn't having sex just because she can't enjoy it at all if the house is not clean. My husband is actually like this (I have a way higher tolerance for mess), and on more than one occasion when we had toddlers I made an extra effort to clean so he could relax and be more in the mood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have slipped into a sexless marriage and it is severely affecting me emotionally and mentally. Sex has always been important to me and she has always known that. The rejection and physical frustration weigh on my psyche and impact our relationship, my attitude at work, and my overall mood. She knows this and thinks I am being unreasonable and childish. I try to move on and set it aside as something that is just gone, like a deceased relative. But it doesn’t work that way and she just doesn’t get it.
I wont leave her over it and will never cheat because I don’t want my DD to ever have to think of me as that kind of man. I’ve had opportunity but won’t do it.
I’m just miserable and don’t want to be this way any longer. Most of all, I wish she understood and would discuss it without accusing me of being like a horny teen. She doesn’t think sex is important after 40 or after kids.

You want your DD to think you are the kind of man who gives up and lets his wife abandon a core part of their relationship? You want her to learn that this is acceptable treatment of a spouse? You want to model this unhealthy relationship to her and your son-in-law?

As long as the person you have sex with clearly understand you are FWB, and isn't looking for a relationship, it's not cheating at all to feed yourself what your spouse refuses.

Did OP's DW even insinuate that she'd be opposed to opening the marriage? Or is OP self-policing out of fear?
If OP has sex with someone else, he'll be happier and it will improve the marriage, or OP will get jealous and realize that she has a dormant sex drive after all, when she realizes that she needs sex to keep her man close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have slipped into a sexless marriage and it is severely affecting me emotionally and mentally. Sex has always been important to me and she has always known that. The rejection and physical frustration weigh on my psyche and impact our relationship, my attitude at work, and my overall mood. She knows this and thinks I am being unreasonable and childish. I try to move on and set it aside as something that is just gone, like a deceased relative. But it doesn’t work that way and she just doesn’t get it.
I wont leave her over it and will never cheat because I don’t want my DD to ever have to think of me as that kind of man. I’ve had opportunity but won’t do it.
I’m just miserable and don’t want to be this way any longer. Most of all, I wish she understood and would discuss it without accusing me of being like a horny teen. She doesn’t think sex is important after 40 or after kids.

You want your DD to think you are the kind of man who gives up and lets his wife abandon a core part of their relationship? You want her to learn that this is acceptable treatment of a spouse? You want to model this unhealthy relationship to her and your son-in-law?

As long as the person you have sex with clearly understand you are FWB, and isn't looking for a relationship, it's not cheating at all to feed yourself what your spouse refuses.

Yes this definitely the example you want to set for your daughter. A+ father over here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering what OP can do to lighten her load. My DH have been strategizing together how to make time for sex and it has led to a renaissance between us after a long dry spell. Things can and do shift.

I think this is good but the unfortunate thing is that it seems like OP and his wife have already gotten themselves into this situation where she feels like he is demanding sex or pestering her for sex, and so if he says "hey how about I do more dishes so you'll have sex with me" it's going to make the whole thing feel very transactional. Like he can't just do something for her because she needs it or deserves it, it is ultimately going to seem like it's all about him and what he wants from her. And, I mean, for good reason, because that's what it would be. It doesn't sound like he is terribly concerned about making her sex life good.

to be fair, one night of dishwashing doesn't equate to a higher libido that night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering what OP can do to lighten her load. My DH have been strategizing together how to make time for sex and it has led to a renaissance between us after a long dry spell. Things can and do shift.

I think this is good but the unfortunate thing is that it seems like OP and his wife have already gotten themselves into this situation where she feels like he is demanding sex or pestering her for sex, and so if he says "hey how about I do more dishes so you'll have sex with me" it's going to make the whole thing feel very transactional. Like he can't just do something for her because she needs it or deserves it, it is ultimately going to seem like it's all about him and what he wants from her. And, I mean, for good reason, because that's what it would be. It doesn't sound like he is terribly concerned about making her sex life good.

to be fair, one night of dishwashing doesn't equate to a higher libido that night.

PP here. I think it can, if resentment hasn't set in. But if I'm understanding your point, you are correct in that typically situations like this require long-term change, not just one-off gestures.