DW doesn’t understand how a sexless marriage effects me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

Just wait. You too may hit a point where not only do you have zero libido, but sex shreds the tissue paper thin skin of your menopausal body into a bloody wounds, such that walking, sitting, urinating, showering and pretty much everything hurts for a week after, then what? Let him do that to you routinely? Where is the mutual love and respect in a marriage that would allow that abuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

Just wait. You too may hit a point where not only do you have zero libido, but sex shreds the tissue paper thin skin of your menopausal body into a bloody wounds, such that walking, sitting, urinating, showering and pretty much everything hurts for a week after, then what? Let him do that to you routinely? Where is the mutual love and respect in a marriage that would allow that abuse?

Is that the situation here? Sounds like projection. Also you should visit a really good GYN. There are options here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

Just wait. You too may hit a point where not only do you have zero libido, but sex shreds the tissue paper thin skin of your menopausal body into a bloody wounds, such that walking, sitting, urinating, showering and pretty much everything hurts for a week after, then what? Let him do that to you routinely? Where is the mutual love and respect in a marriage that would allow that abuse?

I’m a lesbian and I’m sorry, but this is silly. There are thousand kind of sex that don’t involve PIV. If you explore all of those and your husband insists on PIV then he deserves not to get any, but I suspect that you two could have a mutually satisfying sex life with only a small amount of creativity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

[Anonymous]

Amazing. This topic comes up again and again in this forum, but the one root cause is never brought up: the wife is on anti-depressants, like Xanax or Zoloft. End of discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

Yes many of them are. Also very lonely. It sounds like you are not aware of the effects on the caretaking ill people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

Yes many of them are. Also very lonely. It sounds like you are not aware of the effects on the caretaking ill people?

Lonely is not the same.

It’s the inability to uncouple sex and connection that causes issues. Therapy can help with that.

Nobody who is well adjusted is lamenting no sex while caring for a sick loved one

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This could be considered constructive desertion of the marriage and is grounds for divorce.

I divorced my ex when she did this. It wasn’t easy but like you I wasn’t going to cheat and after about seven years I decided I couldn’t live with the cruelty anymore.

I ended up with primary physical custody as the kids, who were teens, didn’t want to live with her. Turns out they felt as alienated from her affections as me.

In hindsight I realize she had some mental illness issues that contributed to this. And she actually WAS getting help for that but it turns out the therapist was counseling her to “self-actualize” and she took that to extremes and decided her family was the source of her unhappiness.

Five years later, me and the girls are ok. It’s bittersweet— I miss their younger years when we were an intact family. But even when I look back on those things now, I realize it was only ever me taking the girls somewhere solo from the time there were about 5 and 7. She was always demanding “me time” and sitting in bed, on her computer or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

Yes many of them are. Also very lonely. It sounds like you are not aware of the effects on the caretaking ill people?

Lonely is not the same.

It’s the inability to uncouple sex and connection that causes issues. Therapy can help with that.

Nobody who is well adjusted is lamenting no sex while caring for a sick loved one

You should probably do more reading on caregivers and how they are treated if they find other companionship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This could be considered constructive desertion of the marriage and is grounds for divorce.

I divorced my ex when she did this. It wasn’t easy but like you I wasn’t going to cheat and after about seven years I decided I couldn’t live with the cruelty anymore.

I ended up with primary physical custody as the kids, who were teens, didn’t want to live with her. Turns out they felt as alienated from her affections as me.

In hindsight I realize she had some mental illness issues that contributed to this. And she actually WAS getting help for that but it turns out the therapist was counseling her to “self-actualize” and she took that to extremes and decided her family was the source of her unhappiness.

Five years later, me and the girls are ok. It’s bittersweet— I miss their younger years when we were an intact family. But even when I look back on those things now, I realize it was only ever me taking the girls somewhere solo from the time there were about 5 and 7. She was always demanding “me time” and sitting in bed, on her computer or whatever.

My story made you nervous, I see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

I don't think people understand the difference between having sex when you're not particularly in the mood but okay with it, and having sex when you really, really don't want to. It's an entirely different feeling and the consequences of having sex when you feel that way are not good.

And just like men aren't horny teens for wanting a basic human desire, women are not heartless, cruel b****es for not wanting to have sex unless they are up for it. They aren't terrible for not wanting to have sex when they are pushed to the limit with life demands, extremely depressed, or frustrated at their husbands because of the objectively wrong things their husbands are dong. Both sides are (likely) valid and forcing yourself to have sex is not a compromise, it is giving up your bodily autonomy for the sake of someone else's happiness. Again this is not the same as having sex with you're basically okay with it. That is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

I don't think people understand the difference between having sex when you're not particularly in the mood but okay with it, and having sex when you really, really don't want to. It's an entirely different feeling and the consequences of having sex when you feel that way are not good.

And just like men aren't horny teens for wanting a basic human desire, women are not heartless, cruel b****es for not wanting to have sex unless they are up for it. They aren't terrible for not wanting to have sex when they are pushed to the limit with life demands, extremely depressed, or frustrated at their husbands because of the objectively wrong things their husbands are dong. Both sides are (likely) valid and forcing yourself to have sex is not a compromise, it is giving up your bodily autonomy for the sake of someone else's happiness. Again this is not the same as having sex with you're basically okay with it. That is fine.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This could be considered constructive desertion of the marriage and is grounds for divorce.

I divorced my ex when she did this. It wasn’t easy but like you I wasn’t going to cheat and after about seven years I decided I couldn’t live with the cruelty anymore.

I ended up with primary physical custody as the kids, who were teens, didn’t want to live with her. Turns out they felt as alienated from her affections as me.

In hindsight I realize she had some mental illness issues that contributed to this. And she actually WAS getting help for that but it turns out the therapist was counseling her to “self-actualize” and she took that to extremes and decided her family was the source of her unhappiness.

Five years later, me and the girls are ok. It’s bittersweet— I miss their younger years when we were an intact family. But even when I look back on those things now, I realize it was only ever me taking the girls somewhere solo from the time there were about 5 and 7. She was always demanding “me time” and sitting in bed, on her computer or whatever.

My story made you nervous, I see.

Not sure why it would. I am not married and have a great sex life with my SO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

Yes many of them are. Also very lonely. It sounds like you are not aware of the effects on the caretaking ill people?

Lonely is not the same.

It’s the inability to uncouple sex and connection that causes issues. Therapy can help with that.

Nobody who is well adjusted is lamenting no sex while caring for a sick loved one

You should probably do more reading on caregivers and how they are treated if they find other companionship.

Again companionship is not sex. These are 2 different things. I think caregivers should be allowed to find companionship if they want to but again those are 2 different things. Prostitutes would be sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

I don't think people understand the difference between having sex when you're not particularly in the mood but okay with it, and having sex when you really, really don't want to. It's an entirely different feeling and the consequences of having sex when you feel that way are not good.

And just like men aren't horny teens for wanting a basic human desire, women are not heartless, cruel b****es for not wanting to have sex unless they are up for it. They aren't terrible for not wanting to have sex when they are pushed to the limit with life demands, extremely depressed, or frustrated at their husbands because of the objectively wrong things their husbands are dong. Both sides are (likely) valid and forcing yourself to have sex is not a compromise, it is giving up your bodily autonomy for the sake of someone else's happiness. Again this is not the same as having sex with you're basically okay with it. That is fine.

+1 Can't believe the people attacking the idea that postmenopausal women who are physically injured by it are in the wrong for not wanting it.