DW doesn’t understand how a sexless marriage effects me

[Anonymous]

We have slipped into a sexless marriage and it is severely affecting me emotionally and mentally. Sex has always been important to me and she has always known that. The rejection and physical frustration weigh on my psyche and impact our relationship, my attitude at work, and my overall mood. She knows this and thinks I am being unreasonable and childish. I try to move on and set it aside as something that is just gone, like a deceased relative. But it doesn’t work that way and she just doesn’t get it.
I wont leave her over it and will never cheat because I don’t want my DD to ever have to think of me as that kind of man. I’ve had opportunity but won’t do it.
I’m just miserable and don’t want to be this way any longer. Most of all, I wish she understood and would discuss it without accusing me of being like a horny teen. She doesn’t think sex is important after 40 or after kids.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she doesn't think it's important because the sex isn't that great for her, so she doesn't miss it?

[Anonymous]

There is so much information needed here like how do you define “sexless?”

Have you asked your wife to go to counseling with you? What did she say?

What was your sex life before kids?

Is she on birth control? Birth control destroyed my libido. I feel like that isn’t discussed a lot on this board but may be behind this mystery of all these women who quit having sex after kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she doesn't think it's important because the sex isn't that great for her, so she doesn't miss it?

This is obviously a possible reason, but we do people a disservice by pretending that quality and quantity of sex is necessarily a function of what the other partner does or doesn't do. It's easy to say that if you are a diligent, caring partner who is good at sex, your partner will therefore want to have sex with you. But life isn't always fair and sexual attraction isn't that simple.

[Anonymous]

Birth control destroyed my libido too! It's a side effect that really should be talked about at the doctor's office, because I had no idea my pill was the cause of our problems. I only realized when I went off it, 10 years later!

Separately from that, I think you two would benefit from counseling, and maybe sex therapy, because maybe what you were doing before isn't working for her, so she has no incentive to try again. She has to figure out if there's anything that might impede her enjoyment: too much stress, too much work, outside and in the home, medical issues, etc... and what you can both do to alleviate her burden. It's hard to get in the mood when there's a running list in your head of a million things to do!

You would be entirely within your rights to tell her you want to open up the marriage. But seeking someone else doesn't necessarily mean you'll find someone else, and I understand it doesn't feel "right".

[Anonymous]

Define what you mean by sexless. I was in a sexless marriage. I left him. We had zero sex for years. I did not mind because we were never compatible that way (or in any way frankly).

If you are having sex a couple of times a month, that is not sexless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Birth control destroyed my libido too! It's a side effect that really should be talked about at the doctor's office, because I had no idea my pill was the cause of our problems. I only realized when I went off it, 10 years later!

Separately from that, I think you two would benefit from counseling, and maybe sex therapy, because maybe what you were doing before isn't working for her, so she has no incentive to try again. She has to figure out if there's anything that might impede her enjoyment: too much stress, too much work, outside and in the home, medical issues, etc... and what you can both do to alleviate her burden. It's hard to get in the mood when there's a running list in your head of a million things to do!

You would be entirely within your rights to tell her you want to open up the marriage. But seeking someone else doesn't necessarily mean you'll find someone else, and I understand it doesn't feel "right".

I realized immediately, hated it, and went off of it. It was bothering me more than DH!! My family has a high incidence of breast cancer anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she doesn't think it's important because the sex isn't that great for her, so she doesn't miss it?

I can relate to this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she doesn't think it's important because the sex isn't that great for her, so she doesn't miss it?

I can relate to this.

Honestly, in a mature relationship you try to communicate this instead of shutting sex down when you know your partner really needs it.

[Anonymous]

Do you show interest in her that isn't physical? Like caring about her day, listening to her problems, showing interest in what she is interested in? Do you give her physical affection that isn't sexual? Have you read Come As You Are? Is she overwhelmed with kids and work and household chores? Is she depressed?

I'm not blaming you for the situation, just throwing out potential solutions.

I do think it's weird that it's impacting your work, though. Like, maybe do some compartmentalization practice.

[Anonymous]

I think you should both go to counseling.

You didn’t include enough information to explain why your spouse feels this way. Maybe she’s just a cold B. Or maybe she isn’t getting her choreplay or you gained 50lbs. The rest of us can’t figure it out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she doesn't think it's important because the sex isn't that great for her, so she doesn't miss it?

I can relate to this.

Honestly, in a mature relationship you try to communicate this instead of shutting sex down when you know your partner really needs it.

Oh, I tried. Sometimes you just get stuck with a selfish lover who doesn't give a rat's @ss about making it a positive experience for you too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she doesn't think it's important because the sex isn't that great for her, so she doesn't miss it?

I can relate to this.

Honestly, in a mature relationship you try to communicate this instead of shutting sex down when you know your partner really needs it.

We don't know she hasn't done that. I know from experience that giving it up just to meet your partner's needs only creates even more resentment and less attraction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you show interest in her that isn't physical? Like caring about her day, listening to her problems, showing interest in what she is interested in? Do you give her physical affection that isn't sexual? Have you read Come As You Are? Is she overwhelmed with kids and work and household chores? Is she depressed?

I'm not blaming you for the situation, just throwing out potential solutions.

I do think it's weird that it's impacting your work, though. Like, maybe do some compartmentalization practice.

Have you gained weight? Do you annoy her? Give her the ick?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she doesn't think it's important because the sex isn't that great for her, so she doesn't miss it?

I can relate to this.

Honestly, in a mature relationship you try to communicate this instead of shutting sex down when you know your partner really needs it.

We don't know she hasn't done that. I know from experience that giving it up just to meet your partner's needs only creates even more resentment and less attraction.

+1

And more entitlement. Not good.