Those of you guys so in love with open marriages, how do you get turned on by making out, moaning, f***ing with someone who is not your spouse? As a man, if my wife were to let another guy insert his d***k in her that’s it I can’t go in again. And if the other guy/gal tastes better or feel better how can you enjoy your spouse again??? Ya’ll are some really horny f**kers lol
Anonymous wrote:OP, once she hits 30 days without cooperating in sex, she’s de facto opened the relationship.
Agree 100% you have our permission now go out and get laid! She wants to be your room mate treat her as such.
ultimatums really don't work. I guess you are both ok with divorcing.
Know what else doesn’t work? Status quo sexless marriage. Why would they divorce?!? She’s perfectly content and once he’s found a girlfriend or 2 on the side their marriage will be perfect. Another sexless marriage saved by outsourcing.
Famous last words, right before you get served with divorce papers.
Mature adults who take marriage seriously do not divorce over trivial unimportant things. His wife says sex is not important: so no big deal when he does that unimportant thing with other women.
He doesn’t want his daughter to see him as a gross cheater. So he has to…not cheat. Can’t get everything you want all the time.
His wife has opted out of the sex part of marriage which means "cheating" no longer exists. What kind of sick family are you in where your kids know details about your sex life (or lack thereof)?!?
When they divorce because OP cheats, his daughter will find out he cheated. His OP says he doesn’t want his daughter to see him like that, so that option is unavailable to him.
…and no, his daughter will not care about his sad sad sex life when he wrecks her childhood home.
OP doesn’t need to divorce if he cheats. Many families turn a blind eye. It would certainly be an expectation for a wife who doesn’t want to have sex anymore. Outsource and have a pleasant life.
To deal with his sex issue he needs to make himself someone his wife finds sexually desirable. Most people who come here to complain don’t want to put in that work.
This feels like blame shifting. Some of us have this sort of situation and we’re already putting in much more work than our spouses and still being denied. It may truly not be possibly to do make oneself sexually desirable to him or her. Making it sound like we’re just not trying hard enough comes across as insensitive and dismissive.
It may seem insensitive and dismissive, but whenever someone is asked what they do to ensure their spouse can participate in a fulfilling sex life, we hear all about how he can’t possibly have been expected to help with babies so she could get pelvic floor PT, or how he’s not interested in making time in their schedule for vacations with childcare or time for her to have to herself. Basically it tends to come down to “nothing” when asked what they’re doing to make themselves a desirable partner.
But sure, let’s hear what OP is putting into making their marriage a place for his wife to have a happy and fulfilling sex life other than just showing up.
That’s because everyone on this site is the partner who is trying harder and cares more.
So the men on this site can’t imagine a woman who does everything and vice versa.
We frame it as a man/woman thing, but it’s really a pursuer distancer thing, and we are all pursuers.
Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).
Just wait. You too may hit a point where not only do you have zero libido, but sex shreds the tissue paper thin skin of your menopausal body into a bloody wounds, such that walking, sitting, urinating, showering and pretty much everything hurts for a week after, then what? Let him do that to you routinely? Where is the mutual love and respect in a marriage that would allow that abuse?
This! I never thought intimacy would be so terribly painful, but at 60, that is how it is.
I thought I would pass out from the pain the last time.
And yes I have been to the doctor. And tried lube and drugs.
You’re doing it wrong. Sex is pleasurable, NOT painful. Stop doing things that hurt. Only do things that feel good. Change your definition of “sex” accordingly.
I cannot believe I actually have to give somebody such completely obvious advice.
Ha. Did you go to history class? Women undergoing pain for a man’s pleasure or convenience is a practically a baseline expectation, so telling a woman not to do it isn’t obvious, it’s revolutionary.
Don't be a martyr. You can both do a lot of things with tongues and mouths and hands. There's a big gap between, on the one hand, having to endure painful PiV because of the patriarchy and, on the other hand, living the rest of your life in celibacy because that particular sex act doesn't work for you anymore.
So "servicing" a petulant man. And what is he doing for her?
Going to the ballet, looking at furniture, going out on dates, throwing parties and spending time with her friends, talking about Real Housewives.
My parents and their friends are in their 60’s. There is a lot that men do for women that they don’t want to do. I hope these men are getting occasional blowjobs.
none of those things those men do for their women require their physical bodies.
If you think a woman should service a man without her being into it, then how is that any different than what a prostitute does?
You think men are astral projecting themselves to the ballet?
You know what I mean.. being "present" at a ballet doesn't require him using his body as a sexual instrument.
I hate the ballet, fwiw.
Why is sex some kind of special other activity?
Have you seen the YouTube video about tea and consent?
It’s like that.
If your husband is an otherwise good guy, and he really wants you to drink tea sometimes, shouldn’t you drink it? I mean, if the kind he usually makes causes you to vomit, then ask for a different kind of tea or maybe even coffee. If he isn’t okay with that, then I agree he’s a jerk. But most men are. They just want to drink a hot beverage with you sometimes!
I love this video, but it really only works for situations like young people hooking up. The thing about tea is that you can have a satisfying cup of tea by yourself. If you want a more appropriate analog for sex in marriage, it would be something more like playing tennis. If you’ve been playing tennis together and then your partner doesn’t want to play tennis anymore, fine, they should be able to make that choice, but then you should be free to play tennis with someone else. Asserting bodily autonomy to justify not having sex is reasonable as long as you don’t try to deny your partner the bodily autonomy of having sex with someone else instead.
Exactly. A spouse is free to opt out of sex (WITHOUT needing up front mutual agreement). Their partner is then free to opt out of monogamy (WITHOUT needing up front mutual agreement).
I think there are plenty of comments around here that are way too dismissive of the importance of sex in a marriage; but, even so, this is not how marriages work. I get that you think that this is only fair. But, it's still not how marriages work. A woman is entitled to say "no" for a night, a week, a month, or the rest of her life. She doesn't have to announce a grand plan for long term sexlessness -- maybe she doesn't even know that's what is going to happen. (Although, if she just decides not to talk about it, she has to know that the the quality of the marriage will degrade and really shouldn't express surprise if it ends.) That said, fair or unfair, if a spouse is going to go outside the marriage without talking about it, he or she is a cheater. This is a betrayal. The honorable thing to do is 1) express your dissatisfaction and try to reach a compromise; 2) if #1 doesn't work and you want to try to open up your marriage, have a conversation with your spouse about it; and 3) if your spouse is unwilling to sanction an open marriage and you are unwilling to continue living without sex, get a divorce.
I know all of that is a rehash of stuff that's been said a million times before, but I guess I felt compelled to make it a million and one.
Where did I ever suggest not talking about it? “I have decided to open our marriage. Don’t wait up for me Friday night.” This is totally sufficient. Not betrayal and not cheating. The sexless spouse is now free to divorce (but why would they since sex is so unimportant).
And I would say "don't bother coming home" Locks will be changed and you will leave.
Clearly you’ve lost the plot on this whole thread. Let me catch you up. OP and his wife are happily married, neither wants to divorce, however she no longer wants sex. Obviously OP cannot remain celibate and some basic math shows us the only resolution is for OP to meet his normal healthy sexual needs with other women. Being an honorable non cheating person, OP informs his wife of their open marriage. Keep up now … she does NOT want a divorce, and sex is unimportant to her, therefore nobody is leaving nor changing the locks. Their marriage is saved by outsourcing the sex which she does not want.
Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).
Just wait. You too may hit a point where not only do you have zero libido, but sex shreds the tissue paper thin skin of your menopausal body into a bloody wounds, such that walking, sitting, urinating, showering and pretty much everything hurts for a week after, then what? Let him do that to you routinely? Where is the mutual love and respect in a marriage that would allow that abuse?
This! I never thought intimacy would be so terribly painful, but at 60, that is how it is.
I thought I would pass out from the pain the last time.
And yes I have been to the doctor. And tried lube and drugs.
You’re doing it wrong. Sex is pleasurable, NOT painful. Stop doing things that hurt. Only do things that feel good. Change your definition of “sex” accordingly.
I cannot believe I actually have to give somebody such completely obvious advice.
Ha. Did you go to history class? Women undergoing pain for a man’s pleasure or convenience is a practically a baseline expectation, so telling a woman not to do it isn’t obvious, it’s revolutionary.
Don't be a martyr. You can both do a lot of things with tongues and mouths and hands. There's a big gap between, on the one hand, having to endure painful PiV because of the patriarchy and, on the other hand, living the rest of your life in celibacy because that particular sex act doesn't work for you anymore.
So "servicing" a petulant man. And what is he doing for her?
Going to the ballet, looking at furniture, going out on dates, throwing parties and spending time with her friends, talking about Real Housewives.
My parents and their friends are in their 60’s. There is a lot that men do for women that they don’t want to do. I hope these men are getting occasional blowjobs.
none of those things those men do for their women require their physical bodies.
If you think a woman should service a man without her being into it, then how is that any different than what a prostitute does?
You think men are astral projecting themselves to the ballet?
You know what I mean.. being "present" at a ballet doesn't require him using his body as a sexual instrument.
I hate the ballet, fwiw.
Why is sex some kind of special other activity?
Have you seen the YouTube video about tea and consent?
It’s like that.
If your husband is an otherwise good guy, and he really wants you to drink tea sometimes, shouldn’t you drink it? I mean, if the kind he usually makes causes you to vomit, then ask for a different kind of tea or maybe even coffee. If he isn’t okay with that, then I agree he’s a jerk. But most men are. They just want to drink a hot beverage with you sometimes!
I love this video, but it really only works for situations like young people hooking up. The thing about tea is that you can have a satisfying cup of tea by yourself. If you want a more appropriate analog for sex in marriage, it would be something more like playing tennis. If you’ve been playing tennis together and then your partner doesn’t want to play tennis anymore, fine, they should be able to make that choice, but then you should be free to play tennis with someone else. Asserting bodily autonomy to justify not having sex is reasonable as long as you don’t try to deny your partner the bodily autonomy of having sex with someone else instead.
Exactly. A spouse is free to opt out of sex (WITHOUT needing up front mutual agreement). Their partner is then free to opt out of monogamy (WITHOUT needing up front mutual agreement).
I think there are plenty of comments around here that are way too dismissive of the importance of sex in a marriage; but, even so, this is not how marriages work. I get that you think that this is only fair. But, it's still not how marriages work. A woman is entitled to say "no" for a night, a week, a month, or the rest of her life. She doesn't have to announce a grand plan for long term sexlessness -- maybe she doesn't even know that's what is going to happen. (Although, if she just decides not to talk about it, she has to know that the the quality of the marriage will degrade and really shouldn't express surprise if it ends.) That said, fair or unfair, if a spouse is going to go outside the marriage without talking about it, he or she is a cheater. This is a betrayal. The honorable thing to do is 1) express your dissatisfaction and try to reach a compromise; 2) if #1 doesn't work and you want to try to open up your marriage, have a conversation with your spouse about it; and 3) if your spouse is unwilling to sanction an open marriage and you are unwilling to continue living without sex, get a divorce.
I know all of that is a rehash of stuff that's been said a million times before, but I guess I felt compelled to make it a million and one.
Where did I ever suggest not talking about it? “I have decided to open our marriage. Don’t wait up for me Friday night.” This is totally sufficient. Not betrayal and not cheating. The sexless spouse is now free to divorce (but why would they since sex is so unimportant).
And I would say "don't bother coming home" Locks will be changed and you will leave.
Clearly you’ve lost the plot on this whole thread. Let me catch you up. OP and his wife are happily married, neither wants to divorce, however she no longer wants sex. Obviously OP cannot remain celibate and some basic math shows us the only resolution is for OP to meet his normal healthy sexual needs with other women. Being an honorable non cheating person, OP informs his wife of their open marriage. Keep up now … she does NOT want a divorce, and sex is unimportant to her, therefore nobody is leaving nor changing the locks. Their marriage is saved by outsourcing the sex which she does not want.
"Open marriage guy" wrecks 90% of relationship threads with his raging narcissism.
Anonymous wrote:OP, once she hits 30 days without cooperating in sex, she’s de facto opened the relationship.
Agree 100% you have our permission now go out and get laid! She wants to be your room mate treat her as such.
ultimatums really don't work. I guess you are both ok with divorcing.
Know what else doesn’t work? Status quo sexless marriage. Why would they divorce?!? She’s perfectly content and once he’s found a girlfriend or 2 on the side their marriage will be perfect. Another sexless marriage saved by outsourcing.
Famous last words, right before you get served with divorce papers.
Mature adults who take marriage seriously do not divorce over trivial unimportant things. His wife says sex is not important: so no big deal when he does that unimportant thing with other women.
He doesn’t want his daughter to see him as a gross cheater. So he has to…not cheat. Can’t get everything you want all the time.
His wife has opted out of the sex part of marriage which means "cheating" no longer exists. What kind of sick family are you in where your kids know details about your sex life (or lack thereof)?!?
When they divorce because OP cheats, his daughter will find out he cheated. His OP says he doesn’t want his daughter to see him like that, so that option is unavailable to him.
…and no, his daughter will not care about his sad sad sex life when he wrecks her childhood home.
OP doesn’t need to divorce if he cheats. Many families turn a blind eye. It would certainly be an expectation for a wife who doesn’t want to have sex anymore. Outsource and have a pleasant life.
To deal with his sex issue he needs to make himself someone his wife finds sexually desirable. Most people who come here to complain don’t want to put in that work.
This feels like blame shifting. Some of us have this sort of situation and we’re already putting in much more work than our spouses and still being denied. It may truly not be possibly to do make oneself sexually desirable to him or her. Making it sound like we’re just not trying hard enough comes across as insensitive and dismissive.
It may seem insensitive and dismissive, but whenever someone is asked what they do to ensure their spouse can participate in a fulfilling sex life, we hear all about how he can’t possibly have been expected to help with babies so she could get pelvic floor PT, or how he’s not interested in making time in their schedule for vacations with childcare or time for her to have to herself. Basically it tends to come down to “nothing” when asked what they’re doing to make themselves a desirable partner.
But sure, let’s hear what OP is putting into making their marriage a place for his wife to have a happy and fulfilling sex life other than just showing up.
That’s because everyone on this site is the partner who is trying harder and cares more.
So the men on this site can’t imagine a woman who does everything and vice versa.
We frame it as a man/woman thing, but it’s really a pursuer distancer thing, and we are all pursuers.
This is a good point. The person who wants the relationship least has the most power.
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