DW doesn’t understand how a sexless marriage effects me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I struggle with this too. My DH is divorcing me because I have lost interest in sex. I am trying to figure out how we will tell our two teenagers why we are splitting up. They don’t know yet. It is the only reason we are breaking up. We’ve tried to make it work but he has very unrealistic sexual demands that I can’t accommodate. And yes he has changed over the years. He was not as demanding in the early years. I sometimes wonder if porn is the reason because he’s become more and more aggressive with what he wants and needs sexually. I have to leave.

What are you considering unreasonable?

I don’t want to hijack this thread and also don’t want to be explicit. It’s subtle stuff but it adds up. It’s like he wants to push my limits.

You can still say it without being explicit

Ok. Sex on demand and no excuses. Ever. . Forcing me to sleep fully naked. . Even a tank top and panties not allowed. Sex only with lights on. Anal. 69. Forcing me to watch porn. Should I keep going…..?

"Forcing"... or what? None of these things seem particularly damaging or unmanageable to me, unless you're doing them at threat of violence or some other heavy consequence. You mentioned this is the only reason you are breaking up, and I don't see anything here as a dealbreaker unless you really are being forced in some way. What happens if you say no, or offer compromise?

Not a dealbreaker. ?!?!? So I should be sodomized as a compromise ? To keep the marriage together ???

That's not happening. Requesting anal isn't sodomizing someone. And pp's "he gets whiny/pouts" comment clearly indicates they weren't forced/sodomized.

Have a nice cup of tea, dear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I struggle with this too. My DH is divorcing me because I have lost interest in sex. I am trying to figure out how we will tell our two teenagers why we are splitting up. They don’t know yet. It is the only reason we are breaking up. We’ve tried to make it work but he has very unrealistic sexual demands that I can’t accommodate. And yes he has changed over the years. He was not as demanding in the early years. I sometimes wonder if porn is the reason because he’s become more and more aggressive with what he wants and needs sexually. I have to leave.

What are you considering unreasonable?

I don’t want to hijack this thread and also don’t want to be explicit. It’s subtle stuff but it adds up. It’s like he wants to push my limits.

You can still say it without being explicit

Ok. Sex on demand and no excuses. Ever. . Forcing me to sleep fully naked. . Even a tank top and panties not allowed. Sex only with lights on. Anal. 69. Forcing me to watch porn. Should I keep going…..?

"Forcing"... or what? None of these things seem particularly damaging or unmanageable to me, unless you're doing them at threat of violence or some other heavy consequence. You mentioned this is the only reason you are breaking up, and I don't see anything here as a dealbreaker unless you really are being forced in some way. What happens if you say no, or offer compromise?

You are a LUNATIC!

OMG PP get out of that marriage. Your husband become a pervert with rapist tendencies.

And I would make sure my kids knew why we were splitting.

You are irrational, and overreacting. Him pouting because she tried anal once and doesn't want to again doesn't make him a pervert with rapist tendencies. It makes him sexually incompatible for her. Calm your tits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no compromise. That’s why I call it forcing. For five years I have been strong and said I have a right to decide what makes me comfortable or uncomfortable. The more I stand strong the angrier and moodier he gets. He becomes irrational and snippy about other things. Gives me the silent treatment. Etc basically acts like a baby and it’s exhausting navigate. No longer worth the struggle. Compromise is not a word in his vocabulary. I let him control so many aspects of our life but have to draw the line here

Sounds like you two have major communication problems, not just the sexual incompatibility you cited as the sole cause of your troubles.

Get out. You're clearly unhappy, and I'm not telling you to stay. But go to therapy about your own boundaries and how you communicate/enforce them, because there are some major red flags with your comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no compromise. That’s why I call it forcing. For five years I have been strong and said I have a right to decide what makes me comfortable or uncomfortable. The more I stand strong the angrier and moodier he gets. He becomes irrational and snippy about other things. Gives me the silent treatment. Etc basically acts like a baby and it’s exhausting navigate. No longer worth the struggle. Compromise is not a word in his vocabulary. I let him control so many aspects of our life but have to draw the line here

Sounds like you two have major communication problems, not just the sexual incompatibility you cited as the sole cause of your troubles.

Get out. You're clearly unhappy, and I'm not telling you to stay. But go to therapy about your own boundaries and how you communicate/enforce them, because there are some major red flags with your comments.

The "red flags" are that her husband is a sex pervert.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have slipped into a sexless marriage and it is severely affecting me emotionally and mentally. Sex has always been important to me and she has always known that. The rejection and physical frustration weigh on my psyche and impact our relationship, my attitude at work, and my overall mood. She knows this and thinks I am being unreasonable and childish. I try to move on and set it aside as something that is just gone, like a deceased relative. But it doesn’t work that way and she just doesn’t get it.
I wont leave her over it and will never cheat because I don’t want my DD to ever have to think of me as that kind of man. I’ve had opportunity but won’t do it.
I’m just miserable and don’t want to be this way any longer. Most of all, I wish she understood and would discuss it without accusing me of being like a horny teen. She doesn’t think sex is important after 40 or after kids.

Just open things up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have slipped into a sexless marriage and it is severely affecting me emotionally and mentally. Sex has always been important to me and she has always known that. The rejection and physical frustration weigh on my psyche and impact our relationship, my attitude at work, and my overall mood. She knows this and thinks I am being unreasonable and childish. I try to move on and set it aside as something that is just gone, like a deceased relative. But it doesn’t work that way and she just doesn’t get it.
I wont leave her over it and will never cheat because I don’t want my DD to ever have to think of me as that kind of man. I’ve had opportunity but won’t do it.
I’m just miserable and don’t want to be this way any longer. Most of all, I wish she understood and would discuss it without accusing me of being like a horny teen. She doesn’t think sex is important after 40 or after kids.

Just open things up

I suggested that and all it did was make him jealous and worried I was looking to hook up with other men. I told him I didn’t want that but I wanted him to do it. He’s still obsessed with jealousy….

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, once she hits 30 days without cooperating in sex, she’s de facto opened the relationship.

Agree 100% you have our permission now go out and get laid! She wants to be your room mate treat her as such.

ultimatums really don't work. I guess you are both ok with divorcing.

Know what else doesn’t work? Status quo sexless marriage. Why would they divorce?!? She’s perfectly content and once he’s found a girlfriend or 2 on the side their marriage will be perfect. Another sexless marriage saved by outsourcing.

Famous last words, right before you get served with divorce papers.

Mature adults who take marriage seriously do not divorce over trivial unimportant things. His wife says sex is not important: so no big deal when he does that unimportant thing with other women.

He doesn’t want his daughter to see him as a gross cheater. So he has to…not cheat. Can’t get everything you want all the time.

His wife has opted out of the sex part of marriage which means "cheating" no longer exists. What kind of sick family are you in where your kids know details about your sex life (or lack thereof)?!?

When they divorce because OP cheats, his daughter will find out he cheated. His OP says he doesn’t want his daughter to see him like that, so that option is unavailable to him.

…and no, his daughter will not care about his sad sad sex life when he wrecks her childhood home.

OP doesn’t need to divorce if he cheats. Many families turn a blind eye. It would certainly be an expectation for a wife who doesn’t want to have sex anymore. Outsource and have a pleasant life.

He does if his wife hasn’t agreed.

And then when the daughter asks why they divorced, she will tell her daughter it was because of infidelity. Divorce for cause doesn’t give a darn about “she didn’t have enough sex for me”.

So if the OP is truly concerned his daughter not see him as a cheater, he has no choice but to not cheat.

To deal with his sex issue he needs to make himself someone his wife finds sexually desirable. Most people who come here to complain don’t want to put in that work.

[Anonymous]

If someone came on to post “I used to like sushi but now I no longer like it”. Would you tell them to get therapy? Can’t a person stop enjoying something without being made to feel like they are a freak?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, once she hits 30 days without cooperating in sex, she’s de facto opened the relationship.

Agree 100% you have our permission now go out and get laid! She wants to be your room mate treat her as such.

ultimatums really don't work. I guess you are both ok with divorcing.

Know what else doesn’t work? Status quo sexless marriage. Why would they divorce?!? She’s perfectly content and once he’s found a girlfriend or 2 on the side their marriage will be perfect. Another sexless marriage saved by outsourcing.

Famous last words, right before you get served with divorce papers.

Mature adults who take marriage seriously do not divorce over trivial unimportant things. His wife says sex is not important: so no big deal when he does that unimportant thing with other women.

He doesn’t want his daughter to see him as a gross cheater. So he has to…not cheat. Can’t get everything you want all the time.

His wife has opted out of the sex part of marriage which means "cheating" no longer exists. What kind of sick family are you in where your kids know details about your sex life (or lack thereof)?!?

When they divorce because OP cheats, his daughter will find out he cheated. His OP says he doesn’t want his daughter to see him like that, so that option is unavailable to him.

…and no, his daughter will not care about his sad sad sex life when he wrecks her childhood home.

OP doesn’t need to divorce if he cheats. Many families turn a blind eye. It would certainly be an expectation for a wife who doesn’t want to have sex anymore. Outsource and have a pleasant life.

To deal with his sex issue he needs to make himself someone his wife finds sexually desirable. Most people who come here to complain don’t want to put in that work.

This feels like blame shifting. Some of us have this sort of situation and we’re already putting in much more work than our spouses and still being denied. It may truly not be possibly to do make oneself sexually desirable to him or her. Making it sound like we’re just not trying hard enough comes across as insensitive and dismissive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If someone came on to post “I used to like sushi but now I no longer like it”. Would you tell them to get therapy? Can’t a person stop enjoying something without being made to feel like they are a freak?

If eating sushi was the only thing we ever promised before god, the state and family to do together then yeah we need to talk about your new diet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If someone came on to post “I used to like sushi but now I no longer like it”. Would you tell them to get therapy? Can’t a person stop enjoying something without being made to feel like they are a freak?

No. But if part of the foundation of their marriage was a shared love of sushi, I would say that they should still go with their husband sometimes and have miso soup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no compromise. That’s why I call it forcing. For five years I have been strong and said I have a right to decide what makes me comfortable or uncomfortable. The more I stand strong the angrier and moodier he gets. He becomes irrational and snippy about other things. Gives me the silent treatment. Etc basically acts like a baby and it’s exhausting navigate. No longer worth the struggle. Compromise is not a word in his vocabulary. I let him control so many aspects of our life but have to draw the line here

Sounds like you two have major communication problems, not just the sexual incompatibility you cited as the sole cause of your troubles.

Get out. You're clearly unhappy, and I'm not telling you to stay. But go to therapy about your own boundaries and how you communicate/enforce them, because there are some major red flags with your comments.

The "red flags" are that her husband is a sex pervert.

Sleeping naked, sex with the lights on, anal, 69, and watching porn... These sound vanilla af to me. Must be cold in your bedroom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, once she hits 30 days without cooperating in sex, she’s de facto opened the relationship.

Agree 100% you have our permission now go out and get laid! She wants to be your room mate treat her as such.

ultimatums really don't work. I guess you are both ok with divorcing.

Know what else doesn’t work? Status quo sexless marriage. Why would they divorce?!? She’s perfectly content and once he’s found a girlfriend or 2 on the side their marriage will be perfect. Another sexless marriage saved by outsourcing.

Famous last words, right before you get served with divorce papers.

Mature adults who take marriage seriously do not divorce over trivial unimportant things. His wife says sex is not important: so no big deal when he does that unimportant thing with other women.

He doesn’t want his daughter to see him as a gross cheater. So he has to…not cheat. Can’t get everything you want all the time.

His wife has opted out of the sex part of marriage which means "cheating" no longer exists. What kind of sick family are you in where your kids know details about your sex life (or lack thereof)?!?

When they divorce because OP cheats, his daughter will find out he cheated. His OP says he doesn’t want his daughter to see him like that, so that option is unavailable to him.

…and no, his daughter will not care about his sad sad sex life when he wrecks her childhood home.

OP doesn’t need to divorce if he cheats. Many families turn a blind eye. It would certainly be an expectation for a wife who doesn’t want to have sex anymore. Outsource and have a pleasant life.

He does if his wife hasn’t agreed.

And then when the daughter asks why they divorced, she will tell her daughter it was because of infidelity. Divorce for cause doesn’t give a darn about “she didn’t have enough sex for me”.

So if the OP is truly concerned his daughter not see him as a cheater, he has no choice but to not cheat.

To deal with his sex issue he needs to make himself someone his wife finds sexually desirable. Most people who come here to complain don’t want to put in that work.

There is nothing for her to agree to. She is sexless so she does not get to vote on him opening the marriage. She is free to leave and divorce but she won’t (because she says sex isn’t important and people don’t divorce over unimportant things).

Again his daughter is not involved with their sex life so why do you keep bringing up this non-issue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, once she hits 30 days without cooperating in sex, she’s de facto opened the relationship.

Agree 100% you have our permission now go out and get laid! She wants to be your room mate treat her as such.

ultimatums really don't work. I guess you are both ok with divorcing.

Know what else doesn’t work? Status quo sexless marriage. Why would they divorce?!? She’s perfectly content and once he’s found a girlfriend or 2 on the side their marriage will be perfect. Another sexless marriage saved by outsourcing.

Famous last words, right before you get served with divorce papers.

Mature adults who take marriage seriously do not divorce over trivial unimportant things. His wife says sex is not important: so no big deal when he does that unimportant thing with other women.

He doesn’t want his daughter to see him as a gross cheater. So he has to…not cheat. Can’t get everything you want all the time.

His wife has opted out of the sex part of marriage which means "cheating" no longer exists. What kind of sick family are you in where your kids know details about your sex life (or lack thereof)?!?

When they divorce because OP cheats, his daughter will find out he cheated. His OP says he doesn’t want his daughter to see him like that, so that option is unavailable to him.

…and no, his daughter will not care about his sad sad sex life when he wrecks her childhood home.

OP doesn’t need to divorce if he cheats. Many families turn a blind eye. It would certainly be an expectation for a wife who doesn’t want to have sex anymore. Outsource and have a pleasant life.

He does if his wife hasn’t agreed.

And then when the daughter asks why they divorced, she will tell her daughter it was because of infidelity. Divorce for cause doesn’t give a darn about “she didn’t have enough sex for me”.

So if the OP is truly concerned his daughter not see him as a cheater, he has no choice but to not cheat.

To deal with his sex issue he needs to make himself someone his wife finds sexually desirable. Most people who come here to complain don’t want to put in that work.

There is nothing for her to agree to. She is sexless so she does not get to vote on him opening the marriage. She is free to leave and divorce but she won’t (because she says sex isn’t important and people don’t divorce over unimportant things).

Again his daughter is not involved with their sex life so why do you keep bringing up this non-issue?

Because the thing he says keeps him from cheating is that he doesn’t want his daughter to see him as a cheater. There is no way to square the circle of “being a cheater” and “not wanting my daughter to see me as a cheater”.

His wife gets a vote if she wants to stay with a cheater. In VA you only get for-cause divorce for infidelity if you don’t consent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, once she hits 30 days without cooperating in sex, she’s de facto opened the relationship.

Agree 100% you have our permission now go out and get laid! She wants to be your room mate treat her as such.

ultimatums really don't work. I guess you are both ok with divorcing.

Know what else doesn’t work? Status quo sexless marriage. Why would they divorce?!? She’s perfectly content and once he’s found a girlfriend or 2 on the side their marriage will be perfect. Another sexless marriage saved by outsourcing.

Famous last words, right before you get served with divorce papers.

Mature adults who take marriage seriously do not divorce over trivial unimportant things. His wife says sex is not important: so no big deal when he does that unimportant thing with other women.

He doesn’t want his daughter to see him as a gross cheater. So he has to…not cheat. Can’t get everything you want all the time.

His wife has opted out of the sex part of marriage which means "cheating" no longer exists. What kind of sick family are you in where your kids know details about your sex life (or lack thereof)?!?

When they divorce because OP cheats, his daughter will find out he cheated. His OP says he doesn’t want his daughter to see him like that, so that option is unavailable to him.

…and no, his daughter will not care about his sad sad sex life when he wrecks her childhood home.

OP doesn’t need to divorce if he cheats. Many families turn a blind eye. It would certainly be an expectation for a wife who doesn’t want to have sex anymore. Outsource and have a pleasant life.

To deal with his sex issue he needs to make himself someone his wife finds sexually desirable. Most people who come here to complain don’t want to put in that work.

This feels like blame shifting. Some of us have this sort of situation and we’re already putting in much more work than our spouses and still being denied. It may truly not be possibly to do make oneself sexually desirable to him or her. Making it sound like we’re just not trying hard enough comes across as insensitive and dismissive.

It may seem insensitive and dismissive, but whenever someone is asked what they do to ensure their spouse can participate in a fulfilling sex life, we hear all about how he can’t possibly have been expected to help with babies so she could get pelvic floor PT, or how he’s not interested in making time in their schedule for vacations with childcare or time for her to have to herself. Basically it tends to come down to “nothing” when asked what they’re doing to make themselves a desirable partner.

But sure, let’s hear what OP is putting into making their marriage a place for his wife to have a happy and fulfilling sex life other than just showing up.