DW doesn’t understand how a sexless marriage effects me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

The soldier knows why he isn't having sex, and it's not because someone doesn't love him anymore. Same with the spouse of an ill person. You know that it's not a reflection of their attraction to you, your worth as a person, their selfishness, or their indifference. OP has no such assurances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

I don't think people understand the difference between having sex when you're not particularly in the mood but okay with it, and having sex when you really, really don't want to. It's an entirely different feeling and the consequences of having sex when you feel that way are not good.

And just like men aren't horny teens for wanting a basic human desire, women are not heartless, cruel b****es for not wanting to have sex unless they are up for it. They aren't terrible for not wanting to have sex when they are pushed to the limit with life demands, extremely depressed, or frustrated at their husbands because of the objectively wrong things their husbands are dong. Both sides are (likely) valid and forcing yourself to have sex is not a compromise, it is giving up your bodily autonomy for the sake of someone else's happiness. Again this is not the same as having sex with you're basically okay with it. That is fine.

+1 Can't believe the people attacking the idea that postmenopausal women who are physically injured by it are in the wrong for not wanting it.

Who is “attacking” the idea that post menopausal woman who are physically injured and don’t want sex? You are making things up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

I don't think people understand the difference between having sex when you're not particularly in the mood but okay with it, and having sex when you really, really don't want to. It's an entirely different feeling and the consequences of having sex when you feel that way are not good.

And just like men aren't horny teens for wanting a basic human desire, women are not heartless, cruel b****es for not wanting to have sex unless they are up for it. They aren't terrible for not wanting to have sex when they are pushed to the limit with life demands, extremely depressed, or frustrated at their husbands because of the objectively wrong things their husbands are dong. Both sides are (likely) valid and forcing yourself to have sex is not a compromise, it is giving up your bodily autonomy for the sake of someone else's happiness. Again this is not the same as having sex with you're basically okay with it. That is fine.

I'm not sure if these are perfect descriptions, but I've heard a distinction between "duty sex" and "maintenance sex." With "duty sex," the (usually) wife is making her body available out of a sense of obligation when she'd really rather not. This isn't particularly enjoyable for the husband and isn't healthy for anyone. "Maintenance sex" is more of an inertia thing. The (usually) wife doesn't actively want sex, but she doesn't feel put upon or really mind it either. She loves her husband, it helps the relationship, and it's not unpleasant. (Often, just getting started will jump start her interest.) The latter isn't a bad thing for the marriage, and the husband should be careful to accept the offer in the spirit in which it's given -- not get bent out of shape because she's not tearing off his clothes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

Just wait. You too may hit a point where not only do you have zero libido, but sex shreds the tissue paper thin skin of your menopausal body into a bloody wounds, such that walking, sitting, urinating, showering and pretty much everything hurts for a week after, then what? Let him do that to you routinely? Where is the mutual love and respect in a marriage that would allow that abuse?

There is a A LOT one can do with mouth and hands.

[Anonymous]

I’m pretty good at it. Female

[Anonymous]

Better get used to pulling your pudd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

I don't think people understand the difference between having sex when you're not particularly in the mood but okay with it, and having sex when you really, really don't want to. It's an entirely different feeling and the consequences of having sex when you feel that way are not good.

And just like men aren't horny teens for wanting a basic human desire, women are not heartless, cruel b****es for not wanting to have sex unless they are up for it. They aren't terrible for not wanting to have sex when they are pushed to the limit with life demands, extremely depressed, or frustrated at their husbands because of the objectively wrong things their husbands are dong. Both sides are (likely) valid and forcing yourself to have sex is not a compromise, it is giving up your bodily autonomy for the sake of someone else's happiness. Again this is not the same as having sex with you're basically okay with it. That is fine.

I'm not sure if these are perfect descriptions, but I've heard a distinction between "duty sex" and "maintenance sex." With "duty sex," the (usually) wife is making her body available out of a sense of obligation when she'd really rather not. This isn't particularly enjoyable for the husband and isn't healthy for anyone. "Maintenance sex" is more of an inertia thing. The (usually) wife doesn't actively want sex, but she doesn't feel put upon or really mind it either. She loves her husband, it helps the relationship, and it's not unpleasant. (Often, just getting started will jump start her interest.) The latter isn't a bad thing for the marriage, and the husband should be careful to accept the offer in the spirit in which it's given -- not get bent out of shape because she's not tearing off his clothes.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

The soldier knows why he isn't having sex, and it's not because someone doesn't love him anymore. Same with the spouse of an ill person. You know that it's not a reflection of their attraction to you, your worth as a person, their selfishness, or their indifference. OP has no such assurances.

There is so much to upack with you I don't know where to start... but I'll start here.

So you agree, it's all in his head. If he was in a different situation then he would be fine. So it's not really the lack of sex making him depressed. A therapist can help him unpack why he is really depresses.

Perhaps he's depressed because he (like you ) think sex = love and he feels unloved, even though that is not the case. Again, therapy can help with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

Just wait. You too may hit a point where not only do you have zero libido, but sex shreds the tissue paper thin skin of your menopausal body into a bloody wounds, such that walking, sitting, urinating, showering and pretty much everything hurts for a week after, then what? Let him do that to you routinely? Where is the mutual love and respect in a marriage that would allow that abuse?

There is a A LOT one can do with mouth and hands.

Tell my you have a 13 year old's understanding of libido without telling me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This could be considered constructive desertion of the marriage and is grounds for divorce.

I divorced my ex when she did this. It wasn’t easy but like you I wasn’t going to cheat and after about seven years I decided I couldn’t live with the cruelty anymore.

I ended up with primary physical custody as the kids, who were teens, didn’t want to live with her. Turns out they felt as alienated from her affections as me.

In hindsight I realize she had some mental illness issues that contributed to this. And she actually WAS getting help for that but it turns out the therapist was counseling her to “self-actualize” and she took that to extremes and decided her family was the source of her unhappiness.

Five years later, me and the girls are ok. It’s bittersweet— I miss their younger years when we were an intact family. But even when I look back on those things now, I realize it was only ever me taking the girls somewhere solo from the time there were about 5 and 7. She was always demanding “me time” and sitting in bed, on her computer or whatever.

My story made you nervous, I see.

Not sure why it would. I am not married and have a great sex life with my SO.

Since you aren't married, this thread doesn't pertain you. Please see yourself to the door and refrain from posting anymore, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

I don't think people understand the difference between having sex when you're not particularly in the mood but okay with it, and having sex when you really, really don't want to. It's an entirely different feeling and the consequences of having sex when you feel that way are not good.

And just like men aren't horny teens for wanting a basic human desire, women are not heartless, cruel b****es for not wanting to have sex unless they are up for it. They aren't terrible for not wanting to have sex when they are pushed to the limit with life demands, extremely depressed, or frustrated at their husbands because of the objectively wrong things their husbands are dong. Both sides are (likely) valid and forcing yourself to have sex is not a compromise, it is giving up your bodily autonomy for the sake of someone else's happiness. Again this is not the same as having sex with you're basically okay with it. That is fine.

I'm not sure if these are perfect descriptions, but I've heard a distinction between "duty sex" and "maintenance sex." With "duty sex," the (usually) wife is making her body available out of a sense of obligation when she'd really rather not. This isn't particularly enjoyable for the husband and isn't healthy for anyone. "Maintenance sex" is more of an inertia thing. The (usually) wife doesn't actively want sex, but she doesn't feel put upon or really mind it either. She loves her husband, it helps the relationship, and it's not unpleasant. (Often, just getting started will jump start her interest.) The latter isn't a bad thing for the marriage, and the husband should be careful to accept the offer in the spirit in which it's given -- not get bent out of shape because she's not tearing off his clothes.

I think this is a pretty decent framing of the situation. But a lot of men would want duty sex over nothing, even if they knew their wives weren't particularly enjoying it and it made their wives less happy in general. And many men and women speak about duty sex like it's analogous to a duty to take out the trash: "it doesn't make you happy but it's what you signed up for so suck it up." You are right that it's not healthy for anyone and I wish people would find healthier, more empathetic ways to approach the issue.

Of course the most ideal thing would be for both partner's sexual satisfaction, whatever that might look like, to be a priority. Emily Nagoski points out that in general, men are more likely to enjoy environments that are conducive to their sexual pleasure than women are, and it would be nice if women got the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This could be considered constructive desertion of the marriage and is grounds for divorce.

I divorced my ex when she did this. It wasn’t easy but like you I wasn’t going to cheat and after about seven years I decided I couldn’t live with the cruelty anymore.

I ended up with primary physical custody as the kids, who were teens, didn’t want to live with her. Turns out they felt as alienated from her affections as me.

In hindsight I realize she had some mental illness issues that contributed to this. And she actually WAS getting help for that but it turns out the therapist was counseling her to “self-actualize” and she took that to extremes and decided her family was the source of her unhappiness.

Five years later, me and the girls are ok. It’s bittersweet— I miss their younger years when we were an intact family. But even when I look back on those things now, I realize it was only ever me taking the girls somewhere solo from the time there were about 5 and 7. She was always demanding “me time” and sitting in bed, on her computer or whatever.

My story made you nervous, I see.

Not sure why it would. I am not married and have a great sex life with my SO.

Since you aren't married, this thread doesn't pertain you. Please see yourself to the door and refrain from posting anymore, thanks.

Only a married person can roll their eyes at that stupid story? Well, okay, I'm married so I'll take over here and give it a

[Anonymous]

I’m wondering what OP can do to lighten her load. My DH have been strategizing together how to make time for sex and it has led to a renaissance between us after a long dry spell. Things can and do shift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering what OP can do to lighten her load. My DH have been strategizing together how to make time for sex and it has led to a renaissance between us after a long dry spell. Things can and do shift.

I think this is good but the unfortunate thing is that it seems like OP and his wife have already gotten themselves into this situation where she feels like he is demanding sex or pestering her for sex, and so if he says "hey how about I do more dishes so you'll have sex with me" it's going to make the whole thing feel very transactional. Like he can't just do something for her because she needs it or deserves it, it is ultimately going to seem like it's all about him and what he wants from her. And, I mean, for good reason, because that's what it would be. It doesn't sound like he is terribly concerned about making her sex life good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

I don't think people understand the difference between having sex when you're not particularly in the mood but okay with it, and having sex when you really, really don't want to. It's an entirely different feeling and the consequences of having sex when you feel that way are not good.

And just like men aren't horny teens for wanting a basic human desire, women are not heartless, cruel b****es for not wanting to have sex unless they are up for it. They aren't terrible for not wanting to have sex when they are pushed to the limit with life demands, extremely depressed, or frustrated at their husbands because of the objectively wrong things their husbands are dong. Both sides are (likely) valid and forcing yourself to have sex is not a compromise, it is giving up your bodily autonomy for the sake of someone else's happiness. Again this is not the same as having sex with you're basically okay with it. That is fine.

+1 Can't believe the people attacking the idea that postmenopausal women who are physically injured by it are in the wrong for not wanting it.

Who is “attacking” the idea that post menopausal woman who are physically injured and don’t want sex? You are making things up.

If you have this issue, it’s on you to fix it. Get on HRT