DW doesn’t understand how a sexless marriage effects me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

The soldier knows why he isn't having sex, and it's not because someone doesn't love him anymore. Same with the spouse of an ill person. You know that it's not a reflection of their attraction to you, your worth as a person, their selfishness, or their indifference. OP has no such assurances.

There is so much to upack with you I don't know where to start... but I'll start here.

So you agree, it's all in his head. If he was in a different situation then he would be fine. So it's not really the lack of sex making him depressed. A therapist can help him unpack why he is really depresses.

Perhaps he's depressed because he (like you ) think sex = love and he feels unloved, even though that is not the case. Again, therapy can help with that.

DP. I guess I can understand that he needs therapy based on your summation. But you have to admit that for many people, men and women, sex=love. And YOU said it’s not the case that he feels unloved, when he really might FEEL unloved and actually be unloved. They are thinking if my spouse doesn’t WANT to have sex with me, they don’t love me. Emphasis on “WANT”. Clearly this DH doesn’t know why his DW is withholding. The combination of all of this has caused a complete upheaval in everything he does. To some, just having sex makes everything better (for the want-er). He’s angry, he’s depressed, he’s anxious and he is attributing all of that to not having sex with his wife. So sure he needs therapy, but therapy isn’t going to get him IMMEDIATE sex with his wife or (based on the title of the thread) help is WIFE understand how a sexless marriage affects HIM.

I’m only presenting what he might be perceiving, and perception is everything even if it’s not actually reality.

It *feels* like the person who is supposed to love you best in the world - even *she* doesn't want to have sex with you. What an unlovable loser you must be.

Wow, that’s really helpful. But if it makes you feel good to say it, congratulations, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

The soldier knows why he isn't having sex, and it's not because someone doesn't love him anymore. Same with the spouse of an ill person. You know that it's not a reflection of their attraction to you, your worth as a person, their selfishness, or their indifference. OP has no such assurances.

There is so much to upack with you I don't know where to start... but I'll start here.

So you agree, it's all in his head. If he was in a different situation then he would be fine. So it's not really the lack of sex making him depressed. A therapist can help him unpack why he is really depresses.

Perhaps he's depressed because he (like you ) think sex = love and he feels unloved, even though that is not the case. Again, therapy can help with that.

DP. I guess I can understand that he needs therapy based on your summation. But you have to admit that for many people, men and women, sex=love. And YOU said it’s not the case that he feels unloved, when he really might FEEL unloved and actually be unloved. They are thinking if my spouse doesn’t WANT to have sex with me, they don’t love me. Emphasis on “WANT”. Clearly this DH doesn’t know why his DW is withholding. The combination of all of this has caused a complete upheaval in everything he does. To some, just having sex makes everything better (for the want-er). He’s angry, he’s depressed, he’s anxious and he is attributing all of that to not having sex with his wife. So sure he needs therapy, but therapy isn’t going to get him IMMEDIATE sex with his wife or (based on the title of the thread) help is WIFE understand how a sexless marriage affects HIM.

I’m only presenting what he might be perceiving, and perception is everything even if it’s not actually reality.

It *feels* like the person who is supposed to love you best in the world - even *she* doesn't want to have sex with you. What an unlovable loser you must be.

Wow, that’s really helpful. But if it makes you feel good to say it, congratulations, I guess.

Sorry about that -- my meaning was lost between my head and the text. I wasn't calling OP or anyone else an unlovable loser. The voice in the head of the person who is being rejected is likely to be telling them that.

[Anonymous]

She may have an actual medical problem. My libido vanished, and it turns out I have hashimoto's . . . It was not me being "mean" - I was having a treatable medical problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have slipped into a sexless marriage and it is severely affecting me emotionally and mentally. Sex has always been important to me and she has always known that. The rejection and physical frustration weigh on my psyche and impact our relationship, my attitude at work, and my overall mood. She knows this and thinks I am being unreasonable and childish. I try to move on and set it aside as something that is just gone, like a deceased relative. But it doesn’t work that way and she just doesn’t get it.
I wont leave her over it and will never cheat because I don’t want my DD to ever have to think of me as that kind of man. I’ve had opportunity but won’t do it.
I’m just miserable and don’t want to be this way any longer. Most of all, I wish she understood and would discuss it without accusing me of being like a horny teen. She doesn’t think sex is important after 40 or after kids.

Since she does not want sex, and you don't want to leave (or cheat) that leaves only 1 option: declare the marriage open and go meet your normal healthy needs elsewhere. Your wife will not mind, since sex isn't important to her, no big deal when you go do that unimportant thing with other women.

[Anonymous]

Ask her if she has a horny friend she can let you f***k.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She may have an actual medical problem. My libido vanished, and it turns out I have hashimoto's . . . It was not me being "mean" - I was having a treatable medical problem.

This is valid, however a person should acknowledge that the way they feel is not in any way, shape or form normal and hear their partner when their partner expresses frustration about a lack of a sex life and MAKE AN ATTEMPT to figure out if something physical and treatable is at the root of the problem. If they don't make that attempt, they simply don't care and they're being selfish and mean and deserve to be divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

The soldier knows why he isn't having sex, and it's not because someone doesn't love him anymore. Same with the spouse of an ill person. You know that it's not a reflection of their attraction to you, your worth as a person, their selfishness, or their indifference. OP has no such assurances.

There is so much to upack with you I don't know where to start... but I'll start here.

So you agree, it's all in his head. If he was in a different situation then he would be fine. So it's not really the lack of sex making him depressed. A therapist can help him unpack why he is really depresses.

Perhaps he's depressed because he (like you ) think sex = love and he feels unloved, even though that is not the case. Again, therapy can help with that.

Oh come on. There was a woman who posted yesterday saying that she felt unloved because her husband wouldn’t get on board with a *kitchen renovation,* and I (and many other posters) completely empathized with her feelings.

If people can feel unloved when their spouse rejects their ideas on home remodeling, then how much worse is it when their spouse rejects sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

The soldier knows why he isn't having sex, and it's not because someone doesn't love him anymore. Same with the spouse of an ill person. You know that it's not a reflection of their attraction to you, your worth as a person, their selfishness, or their indifference. OP has no such assurances.

There is so much to upack with you I don't know where to start... but I'll start here.

So you agree, it's all in his head. If he was in a different situation then he would be fine. So it's not really the lack of sex making him depressed. A therapist can help him unpack why he is really depresses.

Perhaps he's depressed because he (like you ) think sex = love and he feels unloved, even though that is not the case. Again, therapy can help with that.

Oh come on. There was a woman who posted yesterday saying that she felt unloved because her husband wouldn’t get on board with a *kitchen renovation,* and I (and many other posters) completely empathized with her feelings.

If people can feel unloved when their spouse rejects their ideas on home remodeling, then how much worse is it when their spouse rejects sex?

She needs therapy if $ = live.

Same with every crazy person who agreed with her,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

Just wait. You too may hit a point where not only do you have zero libido, but sex shreds the tissue paper thin skin of your menopausal body into a bloody wounds, such that walking, sitting, urinating, showering and pretty much everything hurts for a week after, then what? Let him do that to you routinely? Where is the mutual love and respect in a marriage that would allow that abuse?

I’m a lesbian and I’m sorry, but this is silly. There are thousand kind of sex that don’t involve PIV. If you explore all of those and your husband insists on PIV then he deserves not to get any, but I suspect that you two could have a mutually satisfying sex life with only a small amount of creativity.

Not a lesbian, but I had the same thought.

[Anonymous]

I’d look at any meds she is taking and see if any of them could be a problem. I’d ask my own doctor if those meds could be a problem before I speak with her so you have something to stand on other than internet research. She will likely get angry with you for speaking with your doctor about her problem but since she isn’t addressing it what the heck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

The soldier knows why he isn't having sex, and it's not because someone doesn't love him anymore. Same with the spouse of an ill person. You know that it's not a reflection of their attraction to you, your worth as a person, their selfishness, or their indifference. OP has no such assurances.

There is so much to upack with you I don't know where to start... but I'll start here.

So you agree, it's all in his head. If he was in a different situation then he would be fine. So it's not really the lack of sex making him depressed. A therapist can help him unpack why he is really depresses.

Perhaps he's depressed because he (like you ) think sex = love and he feels unloved, even though that is not the case. Again, therapy can help with that.

Oh come on. There was a woman who posted yesterday saying that she felt unloved because her husband wouldn’t get on board with a *kitchen renovation,* and I (and many other posters) completely empathized with her feelings.

If people can feel unloved when their spouse rejects their ideas on home remodeling, then how much worse is it when their spouse rejects sex?

She needs therapy if $ = live.

Same with every crazy person who agreed with her,

What do you mean by $ = live?

Both of these people want to feel loved and understood by their spouse.

[Anonymous]

No one cares about your boner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one cares about your boner.

Until he puts it in someone else anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Is she on birth control? Birth control destroyed my libido. I feel like that isn’t discussed a lot on this board but may be behind this mystery of all these women who quit having sex after kids.

It isn't discussed a lot at all - but you should all tell your children, because hormonal bc can affect attraction, libido, etc. Everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy to find out why you put so much into this that it’s causing anxiety and depression

Is that a real question? You think it’s a mystery why someone is depressed to be rejected sexually by the one person who they have agreed to have sex with. (I’m a woman by the way).

Yes. Do you think every sexless person/man is depressed. Is every soldier who is deployed depressed? Spouses of ill people.

There are times in life where people are sexless. It doesn’t cause depression.

This is silly. Speaking as someone who has been deployed and therefore gone without sex, that's hardly the same. My DH wasn't rejecting me, we simply weren't in the same location.

Do you always struggle this much with logical thinking?