Should I ask my husband about chat saved from a female asking him out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I use our phones fairly interchangeably. I’m not going to find my phone upstairs if his is right beside me and I need to google something. Heck, our 11 year old knows our phone passwords. We have nothing to hide on there. But I also don’t consider it snooping when I’m away from my phone and my husband says “hey, your sister just texted.” I’m sure he glanced at the content that flashed up.

But back to the OP. I am super curious about what this invite really was. For example, we joined a swim and tennis club last summer and my husband is pretty good. I don’t play. Two different women I know (whose husbands don’t play) asked my husband to play with them in a mixed doubles tournament. I certainly wasn’t worried they were trying to steal my husband or that he would cheat.

This is how my ex-spouse and I were and it gave me a total false sense of security.

He didn’t text or call through his cell. Their communication was all through Skype internet messaging/voice or other internet app which were not stored on his cell.

I would have likely discovered cheating much much earlier except I felt he was an open book. We shared passwords and an Apple ID account.

Burner emails are common too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I use our phones fairly interchangeably. I’m not going to find my phone upstairs if his is right beside me and I need to google something. Heck, our 11 year old knows our phone passwords. We have nothing to hide on there. But I also don’t consider it snooping when I’m away from my phone and my husband says “hey, your sister just texted.” I’m sure he glanced at the content that flashed up.

But back to the OP. I am super curious about what this invite really was. For example, we joined a swim and tennis club last summer and my husband is pretty good. I don’t play. Two different women I know (whose husbands don’t play) asked my husband to play with them in a mixed doubles tournament. I certainly wasn’t worried they were trying to steal my husband or that he would cheat.

This is how my ex-spouse and I were and it gave me a total false sense of security.

He didn’t text or call through his cell. Their communication was all through Skype internet messaging/voice or other internet app which were not stored on his cell.

I would have likely discovered cheating much much earlier except I felt he was an open book. We shared passwords and an Apple ID account.

Burner emails are common too.

I think that different people have different privacy needs, and that's fine. That's what should drive the expectations of privacy in a relationship. It is also true that an open-phone policy doesn't mean you know everything there is to know about your partner. DH and I are totally comfortable with the other seeing what is on our phones (we do have some baseline respect about privacy implications for others in text messages though), and I think my husband is very smart and tech savvy and would never cheat in a way that could be discovered by looking through his phone.

On the other hand I am a bit careless and would totally do something stupid that would tip off my husband about an affair. That's why it's a good thing I'll never have an affair!

Anyway, OP, I don't know what you should do. In your shoes I would ask because I couldn't keep something like that inside, but maybe it's not the smartest way forward if you think it would just encourage him to be smarter about covering his tracks.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Yeah, that's a huge problem, that his response was simply that he had plans (and it didn't mention those plans were with his freaking wife and kids).

But you looking at his phone is a huge problem too.

But you know all of this, right?

It's really not. they are married, it's ok to look at spouse's phone.

Keep your wide eyes open and you should ask him why he didn't mention you to the woman who asked him out.

Absolutely not. That's a violation of trust. No one should be snooping into anyone's phone behind their back. My DH would never do this, nor would I.

It’s not snooping if you are married.

Psyyyychoooopath… you are a walking red flag.

What do you people do on your phones that you are so terrified of your spouse discovering?

WTF is wrong with you people? I have zero to hide from my DH of 20 years nor does he. I could probably guess his cell and computer pw but in 20 years of marriage it has never once occurred ti me to look ( or snoop) at his phone. I can’t even imagine living like that. Those that feel the need to search or have full access to a spouse’a phone sound incredibly entitled, insecure and bizarre. And to the prior “gay” marriage PP( as if that mattered at all to the point of your post) - it’s couples like you who have zero sense of privacy or boundaries or trust in your partner that are more likely to get divorced. You all sound like a bunch of insecure and immature teenagers. Pathetic. Grow up.

You do protest too much. What are you hiding?

DP here. I am a woman who has never and will never cheat. Twice in our 25-year marriage, my husband has jumped to insane conclusions by basically hacking in to my work email, snooping, and then accusing me of cheating. Both instances were such stretches from what he read and it basically ruined years of my life because he is a controlling, insecure weirdo who snooped on my computer and carelessly read something. I had and still do give zero evidence or reason for him to think I would cheat. Anybody who thinks snooping around your spouse's phone, email, laptop, whatever, is healthy, is the one with the problem. I agree the PP is rather vehement, but you disagreeing with her are just the typical judgemental, old-fashioned, probably SAHM DC moms who are just fine with being controlled by their husbands and then not trusting them. It's nuts.

Spouses that use each other’s phones and a spouse hacking your email and being a nut job are two entirely different things.

You don't ever check to see what porn, or how much porn, your spouse is watching?

Why on earth would I want to know that?

+1000

[Anonymous]

OP here - am very confused, on one side I feel that maybe he did not want me to worry and so did not mention / but not sure why he did not just delete the conversation. I don't see any change in his behavior with me - any perspective from men would be great. He is 43 year old man and we have 2 teen kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - am very confused, on one side I feel that maybe he did not want me to worry and so did not mention / but not sure why he did not just delete the conversation. I don't see any change in his behavior with me - any perspective from men would be great. He is 43 year old man and we have 2 teen kids.

I actually wonder more why he didn't tell you about it. When my husband and I get hit on we always talk about it. It's mildly interesting and we tell each other even uninteresting things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I use our phones fairly interchangeably. I’m not going to find my phone upstairs if his is right beside me and I need to google something. Heck, our 11 year old knows our phone passwords. We have nothing to hide on there. But I also don’t consider it snooping when I’m away from my phone and my husband says “hey, your sister just texted.” I’m sure he glanced at the content that flashed up.

But back to the OP. I am super curious about what this invite really was. For example, we joined a swim and tennis club last summer and my husband is pretty good. I don’t play. Two different women I know (whose husbands don’t play) asked my husband to play with them in a mixed doubles tournament. I certainly wasn’t worried they were trying to steal my husband or that he would cheat.

This is how my ex-spouse and I were and it gave me a total false sense of security.

He didn’t text or call through his cell. Their communication was all through Skype internet messaging/voice or other internet app which were not stored on his cell.

I would have likely discovered cheating much much earlier except I felt he was an open book. We shared passwords and an Apple ID account.

Burner emails are common too.

Same poster. Yes, I realize that is my husband was actually going to cheat on me, he wouldn’t be stupid enough to do it openly on his phone. I was responding more to the posters that seem to assume that sharing phones means you are a BIG SNOOPER AND TERRIBLE SPOUSE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - am very confused, on one side I feel that maybe he did not want me to worry and so did not mention / but not sure why he did not just delete the conversation. I don't see any change in his behavior with me - any perspective from men would be great. He is 43 year old man and we have 2 teen kids.

So just ask him. Be honest about how you found it, even if you were snooping. And ask "Do I have anything to worry about here? Why is this lady asking you to play as a couple? Do you think she's attracted to you? Are you attracted to her? Is this a good idea?"

My husband knows if I found something like that on his phone, I'd call him in less than 30 seconds and ask what is up with this message? He's done the same to me. He can sniff out a guy flirting with me very fast.

There's nothing wrong with wanting some reassurance that I am not reciprocating. It's okay to ask questions in a respectful way. My husband and I think a little jealousy is natural and we are humans. And it's not like cheating doesn't happen so it's natural to guard your marriage.

--Married 18 years, pretty happy so we are hoping to live until our 90's!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Yeah, that's a huge problem, that his response was simply that he had plans (and it didn't mention those plans were with his freaking wife and kids).

But you looking at his phone is a huge problem too.

But you know all of this, right?

It's really not. they are married, it's ok to look at spouse's phone.

Keep your wide eyes open and you should ask him why he didn't mention you to the woman who asked him out.

Absolutely not. That's a violation of trust. No one should be snooping into anyone's phone behind their back. My DH would never do this, nor would I.

It’s not snooping if you are married.

Psyyyychoooopath… you are a walking red flag.

What do you people do on your phones that you are so terrified of your spouse discovering?

WTF is wrong with you people? I have zero to hide from my DH of 20 years nor does he. I could probably guess his cell and computer pw but in 20 years of marriage it has never once occurred ti me to look ( or snoop) at his phone. I can’t even imagine living like that. Those that feel the need to search or have full access to a spouse’a phone sound incredibly entitled, insecure and bizarre. And to the prior “gay” marriage PP( as if that mattered at all to the point of your post) - it’s couples like you who have zero sense of privacy or boundaries or trust in your partner that are more likely to get divorced. You all sound like a bunch of insecure and immature teenagers. Pathetic. Grow up.

You do protest too much. What are you hiding?

DP here. I am a woman who has never and will never cheat. Twice in our 25-year marriage, my husband has jumped to insane conclusions by basically hacking in to my work email, snooping, and then accusing me of cheating. Both instances were such stretches from what he read and it basically ruined years of my life because he is a controlling, insecure weirdo who snooped on my computer and carelessly read something. I had and still do give zero evidence or reason for him to think I would cheat. Anybody who thinks snooping around your spouse's phone, email, laptop, whatever, is healthy, is the one with the problem. I agree the PP is rather vehement, but you disagreeing with her are just the typical judgemental, old-fashioned, probably SAHM DC moms who are just fine with being controlled by their husbands and then not trusting them. It's nuts.

Spouses that use each other’s phones and a spouse hacking your email and being a nut job are two entirely different things.

You don't ever check to see what porn, or how much porn, your spouse is watching?

Why on earth would I want to know that?

Oh you don't care if your spouse is watching excessive amounts of weird or degrading porn? Everything is ok to watch?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - am very confused, on one side I feel that maybe he did not want me to worry and so did not mention / but not sure why he did not just delete the conversation. I don't see any change in his behavior with me - any perspective from men would be great. He is 43 year old man and we have 2 teen kids.

A couple of us have already answered you. He saved the message because it’s nice to remember you were desired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - am very confused, on one side I feel that maybe he did not want me to worry and so did not mention / but not sure why he did not just delete the conversation. I don't see any change in his behavior with me - any perspective from men would be great. He is 43 year old man and we have 2 teen kids.

Because he forgot to delete it? Don’t be so naive.

[Anonymous]

OP you don't mention if your H wears a ring, or seem bothered that he didn't come right out and say he's married, or how this lady got his number.

I can understand why you have your head in the sand, because none of this is good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, that's a huge problem, that his response was simply that he had plans (and it didn't mention those plans were with his freaking wife and kids).

But you looking at his phone is a huge problem too.

But you know all of this, right?

It's really not. they are married, it's ok to look at spouse's phone.

Keep your wide eyes open and you should ask him why he didn't mention you to the woman who asked him out.

Absolutely not. That's a violation of trust. No one should be snooping into anyone's phone behind their back. My DH would never do this, nor would I.

It’s not snooping if you are married.

Psyyyychoooopath… you are a walking red flag.

What do you people do on your phones that you are so terrified of your spouse discovering?

WTF is wrong with you people? I have zero to hide from my DH of 20 years nor does he. I could probably guess his cell and computer pw but in 20 years of marriage it has never once occurred ti me to look ( or snoop) at his phone. I can’t even imagine living like that. Those that feel the need to search or have full access to a spouse’a phone sound incredibly entitled, insecure and bizarre. And to the prior “gay” marriage PP( as if that mattered at all to the point of your post) - it’s couples like you who have zero sense of privacy or boundaries or trust in your partner that are more likely to get divorced. You all sound like a bunch of insecure and immature teenagers. Pathetic. Grow up.

You do protest too much. What are you hiding?

DP here. I am a woman who has never and will never cheat. Twice in our 25-year marriage, my husband has jumped to insane conclusions by basically hacking in to my work email, snooping, and then accusing me of cheating. Both instances were such stretches from what he read and it basically ruined years of my life because he is a controlling, insecure weirdo who snooped on my computer and carelessly read something. I had and still do give zero evidence or reason for him to think I would cheat. Anybody who thinks snooping around your spouse's phone, email, laptop, whatever, is healthy, is the one with the problem. I agree the PP is rather vehement, but you disagreeing with her are just the typical judgemental, old-fashioned, probably SAHM DC moms who are just fine with being controlled by their husbands and then not trusting them. It's nuts.

Spouses that use each other’s phones and a spouse hacking your email and being a nut job are two entirely different things.

You don't ever check to see what porn, or how much porn, your spouse is watching?

Why on earth would I want to know that?

Oh you don't care if your spouse is watching excessive amounts of weird or degrading porn? Everything is ok to watch?

Pretty sure she isn't. But honestly, not my business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, that's a huge problem, that his response was simply that he had plans (and it didn't mention those plans were with his freaking wife and kids).

But you looking at his phone is a huge problem too.

But you know all of this, right?

It's really not. they are married, it's ok to look at spouse's phone.

Keep your wide eyes open and you should ask him why he didn't mention you to the woman who asked him out.

Absolutely not. That's a violation of trust. No one should be snooping into anyone's phone behind their back. My DH would never do this, nor would I.

It’s not snooping if you are married.

Psyyyychoooopath… you are a walking red flag.

What do you people do on your phones that you are so terrified of your spouse discovering?

WTF is wrong with you people? I have zero to hide from my DH of 20 years nor does he. I could probably guess his cell and computer pw but in 20 years of marriage it has never once occurred ti me to look ( or snoop) at his phone. I can’t even imagine living like that. Those that feel the need to search or have full access to a spouse’a phone sound incredibly entitled, insecure and bizarre. And to the prior “gay” marriage PP( as if that mattered at all to the point of your post) - it’s couples like you who have zero sense of privacy or boundaries or trust in your partner that are more likely to get divorced. You all sound like a bunch of insecure and immature teenagers. Pathetic. Grow up.

You do protest too much. What are you hiding?

DP here. I am a woman who has never and will never cheat. Twice in our 25-year marriage, my husband has jumped to insane conclusions by basically hacking in to my work email, snooping, and then accusing me of cheating. Both instances were such stretches from what he read and it basically ruined years of my life because he is a controlling, insecure weirdo who snooped on my computer and carelessly read something. I had and still do give zero evidence or reason for him to think I would cheat. Anybody who thinks snooping around your spouse's phone, email, laptop, whatever, is healthy, is the one with the problem. I agree the PP is rather vehement, but you disagreeing with her are just the typical judgemental, old-fashioned, probably SAHM DC moms who are just fine with being controlled by their husbands and then not trusting them. It's nuts.

Spouses that use each other’s phones and a spouse hacking your email and being a nut job are two entirely different things.

You don't ever check to see what porn, or how much porn, your spouse is watching?

Why on earth would I want to know that?

Oh you don't care if your spouse is watching excessive amounts of weird or degrading porn? Everything is ok to watch?

Pretty sure she isn't. But honestly, not my business.

Live cam girls okay too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, that's a huge problem, that his response was simply that he had plans (and it didn't mention those plans were with his freaking wife and kids).

But you looking at his phone is a huge problem too.

But you know all of this, right?

It's really not. they are married, it's ok to look at spouse's phone.

Keep your wide eyes open and you should ask him why he didn't mention you to the woman who asked him out.

Absolutely not. That's a violation of trust. No one should be snooping into anyone's phone behind their back. My DH would never do this, nor would I.

It’s not snooping if you are married.

Psyyyychoooopath… you are a walking red flag.

What do you people do on your phones that you are so terrified of your spouse discovering?

WTF is wrong with you people? I have zero to hide from my DH of 20 years nor does he. I could probably guess his cell and computer pw but in 20 years of marriage it has never once occurred ti me to look ( or snoop) at his phone. I can’t even imagine living like that. Those that feel the need to search or have full access to a spouse’a phone sound incredibly entitled, insecure and bizarre. And to the prior “gay” marriage PP( as if that mattered at all to the point of your post) - it’s couples like you who have zero sense of privacy or boundaries or trust in your partner that are more likely to get divorced. You all sound like a bunch of insecure and immature teenagers. Pathetic. Grow up.

You do protest too much. What are you hiding?

DP here. I am a woman who has never and will never cheat. Twice in our 25-year marriage, my husband has jumped to insane conclusions by basically hacking in to my work email, snooping, and then accusing me of cheating. Both instances were such stretches from what he read and it basically ruined years of my life because he is a controlling, insecure weirdo who snooped on my computer and carelessly read something. I had and still do give zero evidence or reason for him to think I would cheat. Anybody who thinks snooping around your spouse's phone, email, laptop, whatever, is healthy, is the one with the problem. I agree the PP is rather vehement, but you disagreeing with her are just the typical judgemental, old-fashioned, probably SAHM DC moms who are just fine with being controlled by their husbands and then not trusting them. It's nuts.

Spouses that use each other’s phones and a spouse hacking your email and being a nut job are two entirely different things.

You don't ever check to see what porn, or how much porn, your spouse is watching?

How can you do that anymore they just use.porn mode????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, that's a huge problem, that his response was simply that he had plans (and it didn't mention those plans were with his freaking wife and kids).

But you looking at his phone is a huge problem too.

But you know all of this, right?

It's really not. they are married, it's ok to look at spouse's phone.

Keep your wide eyes open and you should ask him why he didn't mention you to the woman who asked him out.

Absolutely not. That's a violation of trust. No one should be snooping into anyone's phone behind their back. My DH would never do this, nor would I.

It’s not snooping if you are married.

Psyyyychoooopath… you are a walking red flag.

What do you people do on your phones that you are so terrified of your spouse discovering?

WTF is wrong with you people? I have zero to hide from my DH of 20 years nor does he. I could probably guess his cell and computer pw but in 20 years of marriage it has never once occurred ti me to look ( or snoop) at his phone. I can’t even imagine living like that. Those that feel the need to search or have full access to a spouse’a phone sound incredibly entitled, insecure and bizarre. And to the prior “gay” marriage PP( as if that mattered at all to the point of your post) - it’s couples like you who have zero sense of privacy or boundaries or trust in your partner that are more likely to get divorced. You all sound like a bunch of insecure and immature teenagers. Pathetic. Grow up.

You do protest too much. What are you hiding?

DP here. I am a woman who has never and will never cheat. Twice in our 25-year marriage, my husband has jumped to insane conclusions by basically hacking in to my work email, snooping, and then accusing me of cheating. Both instances were such stretches from what he read and it basically ruined years of my life because he is a controlling, insecure weirdo who snooped on my computer and carelessly read something. I had and still do give zero evidence or reason for him to think I would cheat. Anybody who thinks snooping around your spouse's phone, email, laptop, whatever, is healthy, is the one with the problem. I agree the PP is rather vehement, but you disagreeing with her are just the typical judgemental, old-fashioned, probably SAHM DC moms who are just fine with being controlled by their husbands and then not trusting them. It's nuts.

Spouses that use each other’s phones and a spouse hacking your email and being a nut job are two entirely different things.

You don't ever check to see what porn, or how much porn, your spouse is watching?

How can you do that anymore they just use.porn mode????

You mean incognito browser? You can disable that, it's easy, see on youtube.