Scared of getting married because of divorce horror stories

[Anonymous]

My husband is a banker and I'm a social worker. He knew our incomes would be imbalanced going in, We both worked hard although I've always had a fair amount of flexibility in terms of work (something that is pretty damn valuable when you have kids!). During covid, I spent a couple years as a SAHP because it was best for our family and now working again. My flexibility has allowed his career to flourish and our family benefits as a result. You may feel very differently once you have kids.

Our marriage is our greatest source of happiness and stability. We're a team and that's the way we both view it.

[Anonymous]

Why is a childless young man on this site? Troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marry a woman who can make bank. You will regret it if you don’t.

Why would they want to marry him.

dp.. because he also makes bank. Do you think women who make a lot want to marry men who make 1/10th of what they do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a banker and I'm a social worker. He knew our incomes would be imbalanced going in, We both worked hard although I've always had a fair amount of flexibility in terms of work (something that is pretty damn valuable when you have kids!). During covid, I spent a couple years as a SAHP because it was best for our family and now working again. My flexibility has allowed his career to flourish and our family benefits as a result. You may feel very differently once you have kids.

Our marriage is our greatest source of happiness and stability. We're a team and that's the way we both view it.

did he ask for a prenup? What would happen if you got divorced? You'd take half his assets, right? That's what OP is afraid of.

If OP doesn't want to worry about that, then he needs to marry a woman who earns near to him. However, if he does that, he also needs to be a co-parent, meaning, he needs to be ready to put his career on the back burner sometimes to deal with childcare and house chores. Is OP ready for that? Or does OP want a sahm so he doesn't have to worry about any of that and just focus on his career, and for her to also stay slim and hot and ready for sex whenever OP wants it?

Women may not be able to have everything, but neither can a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you deal with this? I would be the sole breadwinner too. She makes 1/10th my income and will probably become a SAHM. If we divorce I will be ruined financially.

We have zero issues in our relationship, I just tend to think of worst case scenarios.

You seek therapy to figure out why you suspect your GF, with whom you have zero relationship issues and presumably love, has you paranoid about financial ruin down the road.

I’m a highly educated SAHM who met my high-earning husband when I was working in non-profits and earning substantially less. If he asked for a prenup, it would’ve been the end of our relationship. Relationships carry risk and we both bet on our love, mutual respect, and the people we knew one another to be. I risked future earning potential by dropping my career to raise our kids. He continued up the career ladder and believes that the income he earns today AND being able to have the family life we do, wouldn’t have been possible w/o the decisions we made together and the career sacrifices I made to support his upward trajectory. We’ve been together nearly 20 years and our mutual trust, respect, and investment in the life we’ve built together, is stronger than ever. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marry a woman who can make bank. You will regret it if you don’t.

Why would they want to marry him.

dp.. because he also makes bank. Do you think women who make a lot want to marry men who make 1/10th of what they do?

I knew a lot of women in my med school class who were looking for this. Good men who are comfortable with this are hard to find.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marry a woman who can make bank. You will regret it if you don’t.

Why would they want to marry him.

dp.. because he also makes bank. Do you think women who make a lot want to marry men who make 1/10th of what they do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marry a woman who can make bank. You will regret it if you don’t.

Why would they want to marry him.

dp.. because he also makes bank. Do you think women who make a lot want to marry men who make 1/10th of what they do?

I knew a lot of women in my med school class who were looking for this. Good men who are comfortable with this are hard to find.

they were looking for this while in med school. Is that how it turned out when they hit real life after graduating and working?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a banker and I'm a social worker. He knew our incomes would be imbalanced going in, We both worked hard although I've always had a fair amount of flexibility in terms of work (something that is pretty damn valuable when you have kids!). During covid, I spent a couple years as a SAHP because it was best for our family and now working again. My flexibility has allowed his career to flourish and our family benefits as a result. You may feel very differently once you have kids.

Our marriage is our greatest source of happiness and stability. We're a team and that's the way we both view it.

did he ask for a prenup? What would happen if you got divorced? You'd take half his assets, right? That's what OP is afraid of.

If OP doesn't want to worry about that, then he needs to marry a woman who earns near to him. However, if he does that, he also needs to be a co-parent, meaning, he needs to be ready to put his career on the back burner sometimes to deal with childcare and house chores. Is OP ready for that? Or does OP want a sahm so he doesn't have to worry about any of that and just focus on his career, and for her to also stay slim and hot and ready for sex whenever OP wants it?

Women may not be able to have everything, but neither can a man.

Exactly.

Social worker PP' flexibility in her low paying career has greatly benefited her husband even if it's just reducing his stress.

I don't understand why men want this but do not want to compensate their wives in the case of divorce . And a woman would have to be really stupid and desperate to make these sacrifices that benefit the whole family while signing a pre nup that would leave her high and dry if things go south.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you are banking half of your income on her, but she is banking ALL of her youth and beauty on you.
You both have a lot to lose in a divorce.

Oh, not to mention her ability to bear children. If she marries you and stays married long enough to get alimony, you are going to be the father of her children.
She’s putting everything she has on you being a good guy who will love her and take care of her.

This is a much bigger risk for the woman.

Right? OP is worried about losing half, but his girlfriend is putting everything she has on the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you deal with this? I would be the sole breadwinner too. She makes 1/10th my income and will probably become a SAHM. If we divorce I will be ruined financially.

We have zero issues in our relationship, I just tend to think of worst case scenarios.

You seek therapy to figure out why you suspect your GF, with whom you have zero relationship issues and presumably love, has you paranoid about financial ruin down the road.

I’m a highly educated SAHM who met my high-earning husband when I was working in non-profits and earning substantially less. If he asked for a prenup, it would’ve been the end of our relationship. Relationships carry risk and we both bet on our love, mutual respect, and the people we knew one another to be. I risked future earning potential by dropping my career to raise our kids. He continued up the career ladder and believes that the income he earns today AND being able to have the family life we do, wouldn’t have been possible w/o the decisions we made together and the career sacrifices I made to support his upward trajectory. We’ve been together nearly 20 years and our mutual trust, respect, and investment in the life we’ve built together, is stronger than ever. Good luck, OP.

I’ve been both a SAHM and a working mom (lawyer) and huge +1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you deal with this? I would be the sole breadwinner too. She makes 1/10th my income and will probably become a SAHM. If we divorce I will be ruined financially.

We have zero issues in our relationship, I just tend to think of worst case scenarios.

You seek therapy to figure out why you suspect your GF, with whom you have zero relationship issues and presumably love, has you paranoid about financial ruin down the road.

I’m a highly educated SAHM who met my high-earning husband when I was working in non-profits and earning substantially less. If he asked for a prenup, it would’ve been the end of our relationship. Relationships carry risk and we both bet on our love, mutual respect, and the people we knew one another to be. I risked future earning potential by dropping my career to raise our kids. He continued up the career ladder and believes that the income he earns today AND being able to have the family life we do, wouldn’t have been possible w/o the decisions we made together and the career sacrifices I made to support his upward trajectory. We’ve been together nearly 20 years and our mutual trust, respect, and investment in the life we’ve built together, is stronger than ever. Good luck, OP.

Amen.

Even if this PP kept her job, her high career DH benefitted from her shorter hours and flexibility at work . The entire family did. Why would he want to keep all his earnings if they divorced. 8 don't get it.

I get signing a prenup for family money that is being passed down or a family business. I wouldn't do it, but it makes some sense if it is fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marry a woman who can make bank. You will regret it if you don’t.

Why would they want to marry him.

dp.. because he also makes bank. Do you think women who make a lot want to marry men who make 1/10th of what they do?

Yes, the ambitious ones want a trailing spouse, just like the men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marry a woman who can make bank. You will regret it if you don’t.

Why would they want to marry him.

dp.. because he also makes bank. Do you think women who make a lot want to marry men who make 1/10th of what they do?

I knew a lot of women in my med school class who were looking for this. Good men who are comfortable with this are hard to find.

they were looking for this while in med school. Is that how it turned out when they hit real life after graduating and working?

Is what how it turned out?
Not many of them found it. A couple did. A couple thought they did and got divorced. A lot of people married higher earning men and stepped back in their own careers. It’s just easier to find a man who is willing to make more money than it is to find a man who is willing to take on the role of primary caregiver/trailing spouse. I work at a teaching hospital and see this still in my residents now.

By the time my friends from med school graduated and were working, most people were settled. The few women who weren’t married or dating someone seriously by then (early to mid-thirties) never really got married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Marry a woman who can make bank. You will regret it if you don’t.

Why would they want to marry him.

dp.. because he also makes bank. Do you think women who make a lot want to marry men who make 1/10th of what they do?

I knew a lot of women in my med school class who were looking for this. Good men who are comfortable with this are hard to find.

they were looking for this while in med school. Is that how it turned out when they hit real life after graduating and working?

Is what how it turned out?
Not many of them found it. A couple did. A couple thought they did and got divorced. A lot of people married higher earning men and stepped back in their own careers. It’s just easier to find a man who is willing to make more money than it is to find a man who is willing to take on the role of primary caregiver/trailing spouse. I work at a teaching hospital and see this still in my residents now.

By the time my friends from med school graduated and were working, most people were settled. The few women who weren’t married or dating someone seriously by then (early to mid-thirties) never really got married.

Wow this is spot on. I'm an MD from another country (trailing spouse) and this phenomenon is true there too.
My sister married a self-employed guy and now he is the primary parent to their two young kids. I also know another couple where the mom is a surgeon and the dad quit when the kids were small, now that the kids are mostly self-sufficient he is a small business owner. Otherwise I agree most female MDs who marry other MDs scale way back and go part time if they can, otherwise becomes the primary parent if the partner relocates a lot (like my MD PhD husband).