Scared of getting married because of divorce horror stories

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What horror stories, OP?

I don't know of anyone who divorced for fun, or to get half of their spouse's money. The people who do end up divorcing and getting some money would have given anything to make it work and not have to go through that hell.

So... I'm not sure where you're getting your stories from, but if you are afraid of that, then maybe marriage is not for you. No woman wants a paranoid, delusional and probably control-freaky spouse, you know. Not a good way to start life together.

+1 to the above.

Already plenty of posts here viewing marriage as a financial tranaction entirely and urging the OP to view it that way too. He's already partway there with his concern that a divorce would financially ruin him. Not concern about the relationship, the love, any non-financial, emotional, developmental effect on any future kids. And the "she would likely have to be a SAHM" smacks of resentment and disdain for the SAH choice--resentment that's present long before the issue has even come up in real life for him and his fiancee. If OP is a decent guy who actually thinks he loves this person, they need intensive couples counseling before they marry, to lay out their real attitudes up front about SAH, incomes, etc. They need to explore why he thought he loved her enough to marry her, yet now only thinks in terms of his life (not hers...his) after they somehow inevitably divorce. I know the "get a prenup" crowd here tends to assume every marriage is a potential divorce and people should protect themselves as individuals,and always keep their guard up during marriage too. What a way to live life.

Like PP says, I don't know anyone who divorced for fun, or to get a spouse's money, etc. OP, where are you hearing your horror stories, and why is the horror in your mind only financial and not emotional? Maybe you need not to marry at all. Let her go quickly, so she can move on to someone who values her for more than her potential contribution to income.

Easy to say that if you are not the rich person in the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well we married income peers. I wonder why you’re choosing to date someone so different than you.

. Because she is hot as hell! Same reason I married my wife who never had any income potential...I just got the prenup.

Serious question…I work in finance and have a mba. I know a few men who fit the profile of good looking, outgoing, charming, and successful men. In college they were frat boy types, so not antisocial geeks. Not super religious, intact families.

Yet they married women who were neither successful (and not from rich families) nor hot and quickly had kids.

I have no idea what their marriages are like now but they have a few kids and are still married.

See how long those marriages last. The men may stick it out because they don't want to get ruined financially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What horror stories, OP?

I don't know of anyone who divorced for fun, or to get half of their spouse's money. The people who do end up divorcing and getting some money would have given anything to make it work and not have to go through that hell.

So... I'm not sure where you're getting your stories from, but if you are afraid of that, then maybe marriage is not for you. No woman wants a paranoid, delusional and probably control-freaky spouse, you know. Not a good way to start life together.

+1 to the above.

Already plenty of posts here viewing marriage as a financial tranaction entirely and urging the OP to view it that way too. He's already partway there with his concern that a divorce would financially ruin him. Not concern about the relationship, the love, any non-financial, emotional, developmental effect on any future kids. And the "she would likely have to be a SAHM" smacks of resentment and disdain for the SAH choice--resentment that's present long before the issue has even come up in real life for him and his fiancee. If OP is a decent guy who actually thinks he loves this person, they need intensive couples counseling before they marry, to lay out their real attitudes up front about SAH, incomes, etc. They need to explore why he thought he loved her enough to marry her, yet now only thinks in terms of his life (not hers...his) after they somehow inevitably divorce. I know the "get a prenup" crowd here tends to assume every marriage is a potential divorce and people should protect themselves as individuals,and always keep their guard up during marriage too. What a way to live life.

Like PP says, I don't know anyone who divorced for fun, or to get a spouse's money, etc. OP, where are you hearing your horror stories, and why is the horror in your mind only financial and not emotional? Maybe you need not to marry at all. Let her go quickly, so she can move on to someone who values her for more than her potential contribution to income.

Easy to say that if you are not the rich person in the relationship.

Oh a flippant remark. How unexpected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What horror stories, OP?

I don't know of anyone who divorced for fun, or to get half of their spouse's money. The people who do end up divorcing and getting some money would have given anything to make it work and not have to go through that hell.

So... I'm not sure where you're getting your stories from, but if you are afraid of that, then maybe marriage is not for you. No woman wants a paranoid, delusional and probably control-freaky spouse, you know. Not a good way to start life together.

+1 to the above.

Already plenty of posts here viewing marriage as a financial tranaction entirely and urging the OP to view it that way too. He's already partway there with his concern that a divorce would financially ruin him. Not concern about the relationship, the love, any non-financial, emotional, developmental effect on any future kids. And the "she would likely have to be a SAHM" smacks of resentment and disdain for the SAH choice--resentment that's present long before the issue has even come up in real life for him and his fiancee. If OP is a decent guy who actually thinks he loves this person, they need intensive couples counseling before they marry, to lay out their real attitudes up front about SAH, incomes, etc. They need to explore why he thought he loved her enough to marry her, yet now only thinks in terms of his life (not hers...his) after they somehow inevitably divorce. I know the "get a prenup" crowd here tends to assume every marriage is a potential divorce and people should protect themselves as individuals,and always keep their guard up during marriage too. What a way to live life.

Like PP says, I don't know anyone who divorced for fun, or to get a spouse's money, etc. OP, where are you hearing your horror stories, and why is the horror in your mind only financial and not emotional? Maybe you need not to marry at all. Let her go quickly, so she can move on to someone who values her for more than her potential contribution to income.

Easy to say that if you are not the rich person in the relationship.

If the " riches" are so precious that they need to be protected at all costs, why not marry a fellow rich person? Why settle fir someone with different values? If you are unable or unwillingly to find a fellow rich person to marry, the riches are not as valuable as you want to pretend they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well we married income peers. I wonder why you’re choosing to date someone so different than you.

. Because she is hot as hell! Same reason I married my wife who never had any income potential...I just got the prenup.

Serious question…I work in finance and have a mba. I know a few men who fit the profile of good looking, outgoing, charming, and successful men. In college they were frat boy types, so not antisocial geeks. Not super religious, intact families.

Yet they married women who were neither successful (and not from rich families) nor hot and quickly had kids.

I have no idea what their marriages are like now but they have a few kids and are still married.

See how long those marriages last. The men may stick it out because they don't want to get ruined financially.

This. If they married in their 20s and quickly had a few kids, he is pretty screwed as far as protecting himself in the event of a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well we married income peers. I wonder why you’re choosing to date someone so different than you.

. Because she is hot as hell! Same reason I married my wife who never had any income potential...I just got the prenup.

Serious question…I work in finance and have a mba. I know a few men who fit the profile of good looking, outgoing, charming, and successful men. In college they were frat boy types, so not antisocial geeks. Not super religious, intact families.

Yet they married women who were neither successful (and not from rich families) nor hot and quickly had kids.

I have no idea what their marriages are like now but they have a few kids and are still married.

See how long those marriages last. The men may stick it out because they don't want to get ruined financially.

This. If they married in their 20s and quickly had a few kids, he is pretty screwed as far as protecting himself in the event of a divorce.

As he should be. The younger they got married, the more likely it is that these wives contributed to their husband's career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well we married income peers. I wonder why you’re choosing to date someone so different than you.

. Because she is hot as hell! Same reason I married my wife who never had any income potential...I just got the prenup.

She must be dumb as hell too. I don’t know many hot as hell women agreeing to a prenup, they have plenty of options.

I don't know. To marry a guy that is already very wealthy( not just high income), and is decent looking, not easy to find even if you are hot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the attraction to a woman who makes only 1/10 your income? I suspect that’s not the only imbalance. Question why you want to be with someone who is okay with this imbalance. Question why you are okay with this imbalance.

I think your whole relationship is a red flag: she’s presumable less educated than you, statistically she is less intelligent than you, less driven. What’s the connection?

So a person's income is part of "attraction" in your mind. Got it. And anyone who doesn't make a certain income level is presumed to be less intelligent, less educated and less driven.

PP, you won't believe this because you are surely certain your experience and values are The Only Way, but your life experience of different types of people, with careers and values different from your own, is extremely limited. How sad for you. But you're probably in an echo chamber of like-minded people who will only associate with those in their income bracket and who live on assumptions that those not in particular fields are not driven, intelligent or educated, because you associate those qualities only with income levels. Enjoy the bubble.

No that’s not what I said. I said that with a low income comes other statistically likely things. Someone making $500k is stistcically more likely to be intelligent, well educated and driven than someone making $50k. It’s so statistically likely that I think it’s safe to assume ops gf is all those things unless he tells us otherwise. I think all of those things are red flags. Not the lack of income by itself, but all the correlating features that are probably true here.


What if she is a school teacher at a private school? They are probably high IQ, but not well off.
Also, any woman who is 27 and making $50k (again, making some assumptions here) is well, not super financially responsible. Instead of putting in their own hard work to guarantee a financial future, their plan is to (hopefully) find a man and let him do the hard work. You can build a financially stable life on $50k. So yeah that’s another huge red flag: overall irresponsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the attraction to a woman who makes only 1/10 your income? I suspect that’s not the only imbalance. Question why you want to be with someone who is okay with this imbalance. Question why you are okay with this imbalance.

I think your whole relationship is a red flag: she’s presumable less educated than you, statistically she is less intelligent than you, less driven. What’s the connection?

So a person's income is part of "attraction" in your mind. Got it. And anyone who doesn't make a certain income level is presumed to be less intelligent, less educated and less driven.

PP, you won't believe this because you are surely certain your experience and values are The Only Way, but your life experience of different types of people, with careers and values different from your own, is extremely limited. How sad for you. But you're probably in an echo chamber of like-minded people who will only associate with those in their income bracket and who live on assumptions that those not in particular fields are not driven, intelligent or educated, because you associate those qualities only with income levels. Enjoy the bubble.

No that’s not what I said. I said that with a low income comes other statistically likely things. Someone making $500k is stistcically more likely to be intelligent, well educated and driven than someone making $50k. It’s so statistically likely that I think it’s safe to assume ops gf is all those things unless he tells us otherwise. I think all of those things are red flags. Not the lack of income by itself, but all the correlating features that are probably true here.

Also, any woman who is 27 and making $50k (again, making some assumptions here) is well, not super financially responsible. Instead of putting in their own hard work to guarantee a financial future, their plan is to (hopefully) find a man and let him do the hard work. You can build a financially stable life on $50k. So yeah that’s another huge red flag: overall irresponsibility.

What if she is a school teacher at a private school? They are probably high IQ, but not well off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you are banking half of your income on her, but she is banking ALL of her youth and beauty on you.
You both have a lot to lose in a divorce.

What if he made the same income as her? Why should he lose so much more just because he is rich?

[Anonymous]

Pre nup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Then don’t get married. See how easy that is. Don’t ever get married. If you are looking to marry yourself in a wig basically, what is the point. Just buy a nice mirror.

Or, just get married on your terms--get a strong prenup. The law allows it. The courts have for 50 years agreed that prenups do not violate public policy. And that consenting adults should be able to engage in contracts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What horror stories, OP?

I don't know of anyone who divorced for fun, or to get half of their spouse's money. The people who do end up divorcing and getting some money would have given anything to make it work and not have to go through that hell.

So... I'm not sure where you're getting your stories from, but if you are afraid of that, then maybe marriage is not for you. No woman wants a paranoid, delusional and probably control-freaky spouse, you know. Not a good way to start life together.

+1 to the above.

Already plenty of posts here viewing marriage as a financial tranaction entirely and urging the OP to view it that way too. He's already partway there with his concern that a divorce would financially ruin him. Not concern about the relationship, the love, any non-financial, emotional, developmental effect on any future kids. And the "she would likely have to be a SAHM" smacks of resentment and disdain for the SAH choice--resentment that's present long before the issue has even come up in real life for him and his fiancee. If OP is a decent guy who actually thinks he loves this person, they need intensive couples counseling before they marry, to lay out their real attitudes up front about SAH, incomes, etc. They need to explore why he thought he loved her enough to marry her, yet now only thinks in terms of his life (not hers...his) after they somehow inevitably divorce. I know the "get a prenup" crowd here tends to assume every marriage is a potential divorce and people should protect themselves as individuals,and always keep their guard up during marriage too. What a way to live life.

Like PP says, I don't know anyone who divorced for fun, or to get a spouse's money, etc. OP, where are you hearing your horror stories, and why is the horror in your mind only financial and not emotional? Maybe you need not to marry at all. Let her go quickly, so she can move on to someone who values her for more than her potential contribution to income.

Easy to say that if you are not the rich person in the relationship.

You can end up being a lonely rich person. The overwhelming majority of people are not rich or high earners. And of the ones who are, you may not be able to find one who will be a good fit on many other criteria.

If you don’t want to share your wealth, be upfront about it in the very early stages of dating. You’ll have a pretty good sense of where you fit in in the dating scene.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well we married income peers. I wonder why you’re choosing to date someone so different than you.

. Because she is hot as hell! Same reason I married my wife who never had any income potential...I just got the prenup.

She must be dumb as hell too. I don’t know many hot as hell women agreeing to a prenup, they have plenty of options.

I don't know. To marry a guy that is already very wealthy( not just high income), and is decent looking, not easy to find even if you are hot.

But why would a hot person or any person want a wealthy person who is looking for an unpaid servant? Someone who does not want to give you any alimony but is proudly benefitting from your beauty, your youth, your fertility, your health, your womb, your flexibility etc is not a catch. The wealth loses most of its value.

Or is it because that person might give the money to your kids? That's a big might. If they are that selfish, similar parameters may attach to any wealth being passed down: your children may have to be highly loyal to him or get nothing. What marry this person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sons will be told to marry a girl with her own income.

Just like my parents told me to always be able to support myself (keep a foot in the workplace) because you never know what will happen in life.

Get an ironclad pre-nup.

I can’t think of any educated, professional young woman I know who would agree to a prenup. Barring significant family wealth, any man that asks is in red flag territory.

I advise my DD to have her own career, marry a peer and avoid guys who need/want a prenup. It’s a terrible financial and life decision!

New PP, also pre-nups only protect pre-marital property. Not property acquired during the marriage. That might be a post-nup, but I don't think that really protects you from a SAHP not being able to make as much money because they have no career history.

Wrong. A prenup can absolutely protect post marital assets. Look up the case law.