Scared of getting married because of divorce horror stories

[Anonymous]

Just have a kid with her and don’t get married. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

What’s the attraction to a woman who makes only 1/10 your income? I suspect that’s not the only imbalance. Question why you want to be with someone who is okay with this imbalance. Question why you are okay with this imbalance.

I think your whole relationship is a red flag: she’s presumable less educated than you, statistically she is less intelligent than you, less driven. What’s the connection?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just have a kid with her and don’t get married. Problem solved.

Except for the kid.

How about marrying a decent (and smart) person who won’t financially ruin the other parent of their children, even in divorce?

As for defining a marriage however one wants, I guess that’s a good point. I don’t think my marriage is the same type of institution as that of the pre-nup crowd’s (and we are not 1-percenters but we are not far behind, so I don’t think this is something “most wealthy people do”).

[Anonymous]

Having lived in Georgetown for 10 years I have seen numerous men( yes, always men) get cleaned out by their wives after relatively short term marriage. The wife got massive alimony and child support and a substantial amount of assets. Usually, must of the child care was provided by hied help so the wife could go to the gym or shop.

These men were wealthy or very high income professionals and their wives were more the teacher types. A prenup would have saved these men millions. These were not bad looking guys. They could of gotten the women if they were middle class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What horror stories, OP?

I don't know of anyone who divorced for fun, or to get half of their spouse's money. The people who do end up divorcing and getting some money would have given anything to make it work and not have to go through that hell.

So... I'm not sure where you're getting your stories from, but if you are afraid of that, then maybe marriage is not for you. No woman wants a paranoid, delusional and probably control-freaky spouse, you know. Not a good way to start life together.

+1 to the above.

Already plenty of posts here viewing marriage as a financial tranaction entirely and urging the OP to view it that way too. He's already partway there with his concern that a divorce would financially ruin him. Not concern about the relationship, the love, any non-financial, emotional, developmental effect on any future kids. And the "she would likely have to be a SAHM" smacks of resentment and disdain for the SAH choice--resentment that's present long before the issue has even come up in real life for him and his fiancee. If OP is a decent guy who actually thinks he loves this person, they need intensive couples counseling before they marry, to lay out their real attitudes up front about SAH, incomes, etc. They need to explore why he thought he loved her enough to marry her, yet now only thinks in terms of his life (not hers...his) after they somehow inevitably divorce. I know the "get a prenup" crowd here tends to assume every marriage is a potential divorce and people should protect themselves as individuals,and always keep their guard up during marriage too. What a way to live life.

Like PP says, I don't know anyone who divorced for fun, or to get a spouse's money, etc. OP, where are you hearing your horror stories, and why is the horror in your mind only financial and not emotional? Maybe you need not to marry at all. Let her go quickly, so she can move on to someone who values her for more than her potential contribution to income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s the attraction to a woman who makes only 1/10 your income? I suspect that’s not the only imbalance. Question why you want to be with someone who is okay with this imbalance. Question why you are okay with this imbalance.

I think your whole relationship is a red flag: she’s presumable less educated than you, statistically she is less intelligent than you, less driven. What’s the connection?

So a person's income is part of "attraction" in your mind. Got it. And anyone who doesn't make a certain income level is presumed to be less intelligent, less educated and less driven.

PP, you won't believe this because you are surely certain your experience and values are The Only Way, but your life experience of different types of people, with careers and values different from your own, is extremely limited. How sad for you. But you're probably in an echo chamber of like-minded people who will only associate with those in their income bracket and who live on assumptions that those not in particular fields are not driven, intelligent or educated, because you associate those qualities only with income levels. Enjoy the bubble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having lived in Georgetown for 10 years I have seen numerous men( yes, always men) get cleaned out by their wives after relatively short term marriage. The wife got massive alimony and child support and a substantial amount of assets. Usually, must of the child care was provided by hied help so the wife could go to the gym or shop.

These men were wealthy or very high income professionals and their wives were more the teacher types. A prenup would have saved these men millions. These were not bad looking guys. They could of gotten the women if they were middle class.

Georgetown high-income professional men? Great sample group on which to base opinions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well we married income peers. I wonder why you’re choosing to date someone so different than you.

. Because she is hot as hell! Same reason I married my wife who never had any income potential...I just got the prenup.

Serious question…I work in finance and have a mba. I know a few men who fit the profile of good looking, outgoing, charming, and successful men. In college they were frat boy types, so not antisocial geeks. Not super religious, intact families.

Yet they married women who were neither successful (and not from rich families) nor hot and quickly had kids.

I have no idea what their marriages are like now but they have a few kids and are still married.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. I guess the question is—I can understand the hot spouses, I can understand the fun spouses, I can understand the equal ones, but there are these and …why? Do some men just want to settle down and have babies and take whatever is there?

[Anonymous]

Couples counseling and financial planner. If you aren’t both willing to do those, probably means you two should not get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marrying someone who does not have a stable or well paying career is risky. My husband's ex, who initiated their divorce in what I think was a very self destructive move, is a financial disaster. It sucks for everyone involved - my husband who has to raise financially support his children with next to no help from his ex, her because she is broke (having run through all the money from the divorce settlement), and her kids who will have to support her. Her career was unstable when they married around age 27, she couldn't support herself before they married so they lived together, she never got her career off the ground, she became a SAHM, and now she is broke.

If I had sons, I would recommend they marry a woman with a stable, reasonably well paying career who can support herself and who wants to keep her career going.

+1 agree. When I met DH, I was making about 2/3 of his income, but had more saved than he did.

I also tell my DS (and DD) that they should marry someone who has a good paying job.

However, how much are we talking about here? OP says she makes 1/10th of the salary he does. Does he make a million, and she makes $100K? If so, then I don't see a problem with that. I'm assuming she can financially take care of herself now. If you are making $400K, and she makes $40K, then that might be an issue. How are her financials? Is she in debt? Does she live beyond her means? These are things you need to talk about now before you get married.

If she is financially unstable, then imo, that's a big red flag, and her desire to be a sahm out of the gate means she's looking at you like a meal ticket. No woman who seeks to be independent is wanting to be a sahm at the get go. Nothing wrong with being a sahm; I did it for 2 years, but like I said, I made good money and saved so that I could be a sahm.

Marriage is not just about romance. It's real, and you need to have real discussions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having lived in Georgetown for 10 years I have seen numerous men( yes, always men) get cleaned out by their wives after relatively short term marriage. The wife got massive alimony and child support and a substantial amount of assets. Usually, must of the child care was provided by hied help so the wife could go to the gym or shop.

These men were wealthy or very high income professionals and their wives were more the teacher types. A prenup would have saved these men millions. These were not bad looking guys. They could of gotten the women if they were middle class.

were these women hot? I'm guessing these men get bowled over by the woman's looks and didn't care to look too deeply at other things.

[Anonymous]

If you are already worried about this, just do the woman a favor and don’t get married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well we married income peers. I wonder why you’re choosing to date someone so different than you.

. Because she is hot as hell! Same reason I married my wife who never had any income potential...I just got the prenup.

Serious question…I work in finance and have a mba. I know a few men who fit the profile of good looking, outgoing, charming, and successful men. In college they were frat boy types, so not antisocial geeks. Not super religious, intact families.

Yet they married women who were neither successful (and not from rich families) nor hot and quickly had kids.

I have no idea what their marriages are like now but they have a few kids and are still married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well we married income peers. I wonder why you’re choosing to date someone so different than you.

. Because she is hot as hell! Same reason I married my wife who never had any income potential...I just got the prenup.

She must be dumb as hell too. I don’t know many hot as hell women agreeing to a prenup, they have plenty of options.