Reply to Husband considers two plates left in the kitchen "lack of respect" toward him

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
OP, do you know the expression, "Walking on eggshells?"

You are living that way.

You made the post about one example and people here are going to fixate on that one example and give you countless stories of spouses who also can't abide a plate left out on a counter, or who also would never think to cover patio furniture in the rain or do chore X or partcipate in kid activity Y and who come home late and, and, and.

But please stop focusing on this ONE incident and his terribly stupid text to you and whether you showed "lack of respect." That phrase is nothing but cover for the real meaning, "I AM PISSED AT YOU." Respect has nothing whatsoever to do with two dishes on a counter but he wants you to think it does.

OP, reread your own post as if you're reading a stranger's post. You bit your tongue in your reply because you don't want to rile him up. Your reply is full of other indicators that you know he has a short fuse and he will get angry if you are not perfect by HIS standard of perfection; you clearly know he expects you to cater to how he expects the house to be. And OP, come on, he surely expects you and your child to exercise his standard of perfection in other aspects of life, right? Meals on the table on time, every time, maybe? Or your kid is too "messy" and that makes him angry? Sit down and think hard: What else does he want to control and have "perfect" for himself? Make a list. I mean it. An actual, written list. You will see how tiny things add up to "Kid and I tiptoe around his moods, feelings and standards."

No one should live having to monitor every dirty plate, every interaction, every word or text, because the other person might get upset or angry. You and he need non-negotiable marriage therapy. This is NOT about plates. It is not about real respect, which he fails to show toward you by interrupting your day with a petty, spiteful communication. It is not about his hatred of mess. It is about his need for control and his living a separate life where he works long hours and expects to come home to quiet perfection--bachelor perfection, really. He and you have more serious issues that will worsen with time.

Why do I say they'll worsen? As your kid gets older and asserts himself or herself more, daddy is likely to hate that too, and push back by trying to control your kid, criticize your kid and you as the mother, etc.

Foresee it now, OP, and tell him there is a problem. If he says there isn't one? Well, [i]if either one of the people in a couple perceives a problem, then there IS a problem, no matter what the other person wants to believe.[/i] And the problem is not his standard of cleanliness, or yours. [/quote]

+ 1 And I if you’re unsure start a thread requesting feedback from people who grew up with an angry, controlling father given to explosive outbursts. It  was hell.[/quote]

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