Husband considers two plates left in the kitchen "lack of respect" toward him

[Anonymous]

“prone to angry explosions” — OP, the elephant in the room is your husband’s undiagnosed mental health issues. Without knowing more, it could be anything from OCD/anxiety (no tolerance for ordinary, minor mess and disorder) or narcissistic personality/ borderline (high conflict — texting you angrily over something that would take two seconds to put away). He might be baiting you to respond. If it’s narc/borderline he will forget within 20 min that he has sent the text.

You may not realize how much this wears on you. I suggest you keep a diary. And get a therapist. This is not a normal way to live, and sooner or later things may come to a head and you may want a divorce. Within three to five years your child will be a lot more independent and you may even get custody if he doesn’t want to be involved.

[Anonymous]

Divorce.

[Anonymous]

Are you from another country besides the US OP? It sounds like your DH treats you like a doormat. What are you getting out of the marriage? He could have put the dishes in the dishwasher faster than taking a pic and texting you.

You both need therapy fast before your darling child starts mirroring DH. You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would you react to this?

This morning at 7 I was rushing out the door with our 7 year-old to make it in time to an all-day kids' activity. I left the two dirty plates used for breakfast on the kitchen counter. Otherwise the kitchen and the entire house were spotless (because our cleaner was here yesterday).

An hour later my husband texted me a photo of the two plates, writing that I should clean up my mess before leaving the house, because "it shows a lack of respect" toward him.

I wanted to reply to him jokingly that putting the two plates in the dishwasher will be considered his share if the household chores, but I bit my tongue, because I knew that it would make him angry.

He doesn't do anything around the house, except goes grocery shopping one a week. For example,if it rains, it wouldn't occur to him to cover the teak patio furniture. He refuses even to water the plants.

He expects that I keep the house spotless, because it is me and our kid who "make the mess" during the week. He gets home late and leaves early every day.

I have a job and work outside the home, albeit less hours than him (because I take care of our kid).

When our kid and I got home tonight at 8:30 pm, the two plates were still on the counter. I cleared them away before I washed our son and put him to bed.

How would you deal with this? My husband is prone to angry reactions, and I don't want to escalate the situation. Nevertheless,it bothers me.

By the way, such situations occur regularly.

Thanks in advance.

If this is real, it reminds me of Sleeping With The Enemy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to get play devils advocate as someone who has been on the receiving end of this type of thing for years- I started feeling like my spouse thought their time was more valuable than mine. My now XH knew that if he put a dirty dish on the counter or in the sink that it would magically get cleaned. This type of thing carried over into many aspects of our relationship and it got to the point where I became resentful (because really, how long does it take to complete the task of putting a dish into the dishwasher), I started losing respect for him and I started realizing that he was not a value added partner. OP does this type of thing (you leaving things undone that he has to do) happen often? Because this sounds like it’s WAY more than just leaving two dishes on the sink. And honestly I don’t agree with how he went about communicating his opinion on the matter but at least he’s verbalizing it. I was never able to communicate my issues and it was a huge factor in the divorce (the culmination of years of little things that were disrespectful).

OP says she does all the stuff around the house. It sounds like she is already the magic cleaner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to get play devils advocate as someone who has been on the receiving end of this type of thing for years- I started feeling like my spouse thought their time was more valuable than mine. My now XH knew that if he put a dirty dish on the counter or in the sink that it would magically get cleaned. This type of thing carried over into many aspects of our relationship and it got to the point where I became resentful (because really, how long does it take to complete the task of putting a dish into the dishwasher), I started losing respect for him and I started realizing that he was not a value added partner. OP does this type of thing (you leaving things undone that he has to do) happen often? Because this sounds like it’s WAY more than just leaving two dishes on the sink. And honestly I don’t agree with how he went about communicating his opinion on the matter but at least he’s verbalizing it. I was never able to communicate my issues and it was a huge factor in the divorce (the culmination of years of little things that were disrespectful).

+1

It’s not about the dishes. It’s about your disrespect.

[Anonymous]

Rain is the issue for teak, UV is. Cover it when not using it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rain is the issue for teak, UV is. Cover it when not using it.

Meant rain “isn’t …”

[Anonymous]

This reminds me of the guy in “Sleeping with the Enemy”. He sounds abusive. This could get worse.

[Anonymous]

I don't disagree with him, but I have three kids and a spouse. Everyone thinks one plate/one glass is no big deal. It quickly adds up. The dishwasher is right there and it takes less than 10 seconds, 20 if you need to rinse it.

I'd rather my spouse tell me what is bothering him rather than suppressing the thought and letting resentment build. Talking things out means you do not need to head for divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d be calling divorce lawyers and making copies of all of our bank records, taxes, important documents, etc. He sounds like an abusive ass.

+1. 100%

+2

OP here. I'm surprised that so many posters think that I should divorce. It is difficult when our lives are so entangled, and we have a young child. I'd much rather try to make it work

Then learn to eat your husband’s crap, because he is very unlikely to change.

And accept the fact that by eating your husband’s crap, you are teaching your son, the best thing that ever happened to you, that it is okay for women to be treated like crap by their husbands. And then he is likely to grow up to be a man who treats women like crap.

I can only speak from experience. My father treated my mother like crap, my brother started practicing the skills with me, his little sister, in childhood and then carried on to be a mean and nasty partner to multiple girlfriends and wives. Now he’s teaching his son and daughter the same lessons. This is how misogyny is perpetuated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of the guy in “Sleeping with the Enemy”. He sounds abusive. This could get worse.

+1 Does he want all of the canned good labels lined up on the shelves? Does the tea towel need to be folded and adjusted perfectly on the drying bar?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much less drama to adopt a child as a single woman and do it all myself with no arguments.

Adopt? Is a female not complete without motherhood?

- Mom of 2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't disagree with him, but I have three kids and a spouse. Everyone thinks one plate/one glass is no big deal. It quickly adds up. The dishwasher is right there and it takes less than 10 seconds, 20 if you need to rinse it.

I'd rather my spouse tell me what is bothering him rather than suppressing the thought and letting resentment build. Talking things out means you do not need to head for divorce.

So? In my house we help each other. Sometimes you do an extra plate, sometimes you miss a plate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much less drama to adopt a child as a single woman and do it all myself with no arguments.

Adopt? Is a female not complete without motherhood?

- Mom of 2

Maybe that particular female is, and you are leaping to just unjustified conclusions.