So here we are, as expected - a vent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


OP has created numerous threads already on this topic.

She's not all there, so take what she says with a grain of salt.

It's hard to look after the elderly, but even more so when you're not able to perceive reality correctly and process emotions normally.

I’m the only one dealing with reality. My parents don’t understand there is no money tree in their backyard to pay for the expenses they incur

You are not dealing with anything. You are just a nasty meddling not helping narcissist.

As you were

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

So their situation is working for them, albeit money is tight. However you want your parents to have more caregiving than your sister can provide due to her needing to work. Your proposed solution is that they sell a $750k home, move into a rental, and hire someone to care for them.

I'm still not understanding why that puts them in a better financial situation, or how that gets them better care than your sister is providing. And your sister is supporting them financially too?

I didn’t say money is tight. I said they can’t afford their home on their social security checks. Why are you changing my words? Do you want to pay their taxes, home insurance and HOA fees? Their checks don’t even cover their basic needs for God sakes.

Why is it better? Because they will then have (wait for it) about 680K in the bank. Then they won’t be broke, my sister can continue to live with them and help, and if she needs help as they decline, they can afford to hire it. BTW, I got this plan from a certified financial planner who will manage their money. Unless you think you are qualified to do better?

Only a bogus financial planner would advise you to sell an appreciating asset to supplement income. What's the commission that certified financial planner would take to facilitate the asset transfers? It sounds like you're being scammed.

An appreciating asset that is often protected in Medicaid eligibility calculations, no less!

OP, I am sorry about the injury but the whole story about the husband and the awning sounds like something my mom, a compulsive people-pleaser, would do. She’d also be mad about it and then also lash out at the wrong people and focus on the wrong takeaways (“wrong” in terms of: does this focus improve the odds of having a better experience the next time?)

You are responsible for not having said no. Saying no is not a crime or an outrage. Just do it; you don’t need anyone’s permission.

It’s actually not as protected as you think. If my father goes into a Medicaid nursing home, Medicaid starts a lien against the house. Did you know that Medicaid can force the sale of a home and take everything but 150K, that’s all they leave for the surviving spouse? Oh, and my father’s social security check goes with him - so they take that as well for his care. How can my mother afford an asset she already can’t afford on one social security check?

Yep, I did the wrong thing fixing the awning. I should have taken it down and told him to go screw, that if he wanted to leave it up, he can come and fix it himself. My bad. The good news is my brother will take it down in Sept on his visit, and store it in its bin in the garage after taking key measurements for me. I can then make a new top on an industrial machine. I tend to like a compromise but everything can’t be a discussion when dealing with irrationality.

Clearly you don't understand medicaid. The remaining spouse CAN remain in the house. Read the rules. Yes, they will put a lien on the house but how cares. The bigger issue is finding a medicaid bed.

As long as they can PAY FOR THE HOUSE. Duh. And in the state they are in, the home can be forced into a sale to pay for their care. They aren’t indigent - they have a huge asset they are unwilling to liquidate

Medicaid will allow the remaining spouse or family members to keep the house and they will put a lien on the house. No big deal. You clearly don't get how it all works. Sister is dealign with it. OP needs to stay out of it. It makes no sense to sell the house to get an assisted living for one, nursing home for another and apartment for the sister.

[Anonymous]

My sympathies, OP. I'd back off if they are stubborn.
My parents also won't leave their house. Nurses check on them daily. Think of it this way: selling a house means going through EVERY OBJECT in the home; staging it to sell; clearing the people out for open houses (weekends) or when buyers would like to see it (whenever) and dealing with the possibility that it might not sell quickly given how high interest rates are now. AND your parents and sister need to find other places to leave. There's a financial outlay involved in selling--they might not want to bear those costs.

Step back and take care of yourself. Be interested as if they were friends or distant relatives: "That's too bad. I'm so sorry."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

So their situation is working for them, albeit money is tight. However you want your parents to have more caregiving than your sister can provide due to her needing to work. Your proposed solution is that they sell a $750k home, move into a rental, and hire someone to care for them.

I'm still not understanding why that puts them in a better financial situation, or how that gets them better care than your sister is providing. And your sister is supporting them financially too?

I didn’t say money is tight. I said they can’t afford their home on their social security checks. Why are you changing my words? Do you want to pay their taxes, home insurance and HOA fees? Their checks don’t even cover their basic needs for God sakes.

Why is it better? Because they will then have (wait for it) about 680K in the bank. Then they won’t be broke, my sister can continue to live with them and help, and if she needs help as they decline, they can afford to hire it. BTW, I got this plan from a certified financial planner who will manage their money. Unless you think you are qualified to do better?

Only a bogus financial planner would advise you to sell an appreciating asset to supplement income. What's the commission that certified financial planner would take to facilitate the asset transfers? It sounds like you're being scammed.

An appreciating asset that is often protected in Medicaid eligibility calculations, no less!

OP, I am sorry about the injury but the whole story about the husband and the awning sounds like something my mom, a compulsive people-pleaser, would do. She’d also be mad about it and then also lash out at the wrong people and focus on the wrong takeaways (“wrong” in terms of: does this focus improve the odds of having a better experience the next time?)

You are responsible for not having said no. Saying no is not a crime or an outrage. Just do it; you don’t need anyone’s permission.

It’s actually not as protected as you think. If my father goes into a Medicaid nursing home, Medicaid starts a lien against the house. Did you know that Medicaid can force the sale of a home and take everything but 150K, that’s all they leave for the surviving spouse? Oh, and my father’s social security check goes with him - so they take that as well for his care. How can my mother afford an asset she already can’t afford on one social security check?

Yep, I did the wrong thing fixing the awning. I should have taken it down and told him to go screw, that if he wanted to leave it up, he can come and fix it himself. My bad. The good news is my brother will take it down in Sept on his visit, and store it in its bin in the garage after taking key measurements for me. I can then make a new top on an industrial machine. I tend to like a compromise but everything can’t be a discussion when dealing with irrationality.

Clearly you don't understand medicaid. The remaining spouse CAN remain in the house. Read the rules. Yes, they will put a lien on the house but how cares. The bigger issue is finding a medicaid bed.

As long as they can PAY FOR THE HOUSE. Duh. And in the state they are in, the home can be forced into a sale to pay for their care. They aren’t indigent - they have a huge asset they are unwilling to liquidate

Medicaid will allow the remaining spouse or family members to keep the house and they will put a lien on the house. No big deal. You clearly don't get how it all works. Sister is dealign with it. OP needs to stay out of it. It makes no sense to sell the house to get an assisted living for one, nursing home for another and apartment for the sister.

So Medicare will pay for their expenses in the house like the yearly taxes, HOA and insurance? COOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sympathies, OP. I'd back off if they are stubborn.
My parents also won't leave their house. Nurses check on them daily. Think of it this way: selling a house means going through EVERY OBJECT in the home; staging it to sell; clearing the people out for open houses (weekends) or when buyers would like to see it (whenever) and dealing with the possibility that it might not sell quickly given how high interest rates are now. AND your parents and sister need to find other places to leave. There's a financial outlay involved in selling--they might not want to bear those costs.

Step back and take care of yourself. Be interested as if they were friends or distant relatives: "That's too bad. I'm so sorry."

OP here:

Yeah, definitely get the work involved. The real estate agent who sells will handle all of it. They might not have a choice though.

In an update, the four day stay in the hospital for my Dad resulted in extreme weakness because they were afraid to feed him, due to his swallow study. The speech therapist there said pureed foods are fine, but one nurse on the floor refused to give it to him due to the risk of aspiration pneumonia (in her mind). My sister tried to explain this is an old issue from his stroke and that NOT feeding him is not acceptable. The wanted him on a tube (doctor was palliative care) but the speech therapist said no, that it would never come out and he can handle a pureed diet and chances are good that he would improve. Plus, there's the fact that my father WANTED TO EAT and did not want a tube. By the time my sister was successful in fighting the system, it had been four days. Once he started eating again, they transferred him to the rehab, which, has been wonderful. They are pretty appalled but have him on real soft foods, which he is enjoying. They are doing some small exercises as well. During this time at the hospital, he also sustained a break to his arm, which should heal on its own. Will he make it? Dunno. He's 89, has multiple issues, etc. But he's in a good place now with people who care about him. I bought a FB Portal for them a few years ago and my sister will take that so I can see/speak with him. Last time I was there, he was already not very social, but it's important to stay connected on that level, even if it's for a moment or so.

I don't have a great feeling about him going home and now that he's in a great place, I'm at peace with that. One day at a time and all that. For those who are kind, thank you. For those going through similar, I hear you and will always be kind and help however I can. For those that are a$$holes, well, you be you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sympathies, OP. I'd back off if they are stubborn.
My parents also won't leave their house. Nurses check on them daily. Think of it this way: selling a house means going through EVERY OBJECT in the home; staging it to sell; clearing the people out for open houses (weekends) or when buyers would like to see it (whenever) and dealing with the possibility that it might not sell quickly given how high interest rates are now. AND your parents and sister need to find other places to leave. There's a financial outlay involved in selling--they might not want to bear those costs.

Step back and take care of yourself. Be interested as if they were friends or distant relatives: "That's too bad. I'm so sorry."

This right here OP. There is going to be no selling of the house, if your parents are this stubborn, much like mine. Drop the rope and help your sister with paperwork when she needs it.

[Anonymous]

Op they don’t need to sell the house. How are you helping except to micromanage. Instead of complaining you should thank your sister and get on a plane and help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sympathies, OP. I'd back off if they are stubborn.
My parents also won't leave their house. Nurses check on them daily. Think of it this way: selling a house means going through EVERY OBJECT in the home; staging it to sell; clearing the people out for open houses (weekends) or when buyers would like to see it (whenever) and dealing with the possibility that it might not sell quickly given how high interest rates are now. AND your parents and sister need to find other places to leave. There's a financial outlay involved in selling--they might not want to bear those costs.

Step back and take care of yourself. Be interested as if they were friends or distant relatives: "That's too bad. I'm so sorry."

This right here OP. There is going to be no selling of the house, if your parents are this stubborn, much like mine. Drop the rope and help your sister with paperwork when she needs it.

Op wants to leave her caregiving sister homeless for inheritance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

The sister is mooching. If she was helping then neither the parents nor the sister would need to reach out to the East Coast sister.

I have a moocher sibling. They are 40 and live with my parents rent free. They "help" my parents, but the extent of helping is carrying in groceries. My mom still drives and does all the driving because my sibling hates driving but can drive. Neither parent is in bad shape, either. Guess who gets called to handle the big issues? Me.

My sibling is going to have a tough time with the large employment gap in their resume when they need to get back out there and support themself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

So their situation is working for them, albeit money is tight. However you want your parents to have more caregiving than your sister can provide due to her needing to work. Your proposed solution is that they sell a $750k home, move into a rental, and hire someone to care for them.

I'm still not understanding why that puts them in a better financial situation, or how that gets them better care than your sister is providing. And your sister is supporting them financially too?

I didn’t say money is tight. I said they can’t afford their home on their social security checks. Why are you changing my words? Do you want to pay their taxes, home insurance and HOA fees? Their checks don’t even cover their basic needs for God sakes.

Why is it better? Because they will then have (wait for it) about 680K in the bank. Then they won’t be broke, my sister can continue to live with them and help, and if she needs help as they decline, they can afford to hire it. BTW, I got this plan from a certified financial planner who will manage their money. Unless you think you are qualified to do better?

Only a bogus financial planner would advise you to sell an appreciating asset to supplement income. What's the commission that certified financial planner would take to facilitate the asset transfers? It sounds like you're being scammed.

An appreciating asset that is often protected in Medicaid eligibility calculations, no less!

OP, I am sorry about the injury but the whole story about the husband and the awning sounds like something my mom, a compulsive people-pleaser, would do. She’d also be mad about it and then also lash out at the wrong people and focus on the wrong takeaways (“wrong” in terms of: does this focus improve the odds of having a better experience the next time?)

You are responsible for not having said no. Saying no is not a crime or an outrage. Just do it; you don’t need anyone’s permission.

It’s actually not as protected as you think. If my father goes into a Medicaid nursing home, Medicaid starts a lien against the house. Did you know that Medicaid can force the sale of a home and take everything but 150K, that’s all they leave for the surviving spouse? Oh, and my father’s social security check goes with him - so they take that as well for his care. How can my mother afford an asset she already can’t afford on one social security check?

Yep, I did the wrong thing fixing the awning. I should have taken it down and told him to go screw, that if he wanted to leave it up, he can come and fix it himself. My bad. The good news is my brother will take it down in Sept on his visit, and store it in its bin in the garage after taking key measurements for me. I can then make a new top on an industrial machine. I tend to like a compromise but everything can’t be a discussion when dealing with irrationality.

Clearly you don't understand medicaid. The remaining spouse CAN remain in the house. Read the rules. Yes, they will put a lien on the house but how cares. The bigger issue is finding a medicaid bed.

As long as they can PAY FOR THE HOUSE. Duh. And in the state they are in, the home can be forced into a sale to pay for their care. They aren’t indigent - they have a huge asset they are unwilling to liquidate

Medicaid will allow the remaining spouse or family members to keep the house and they will put a lien on the house. No big deal. You clearly don't get how it all works. Sister is dealign with it. OP needs to stay out of it. It makes no sense to sell the house to get an assisted living for one, nursing home for another and apartment for the sister.

So Medicare will pay for their expenses in the house like the yearly taxes, HOA and insurance? COOL

You have no idea what you ate talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

The sister is mooching. If she was helping then neither the parents nor the sister would need to reach out to the East Coast sister.

I have a moocher sibling. They are 40 and live with my parents rent free. They "help" my parents, but the extent of helping is carrying in groceries. My mom still drives and does all the driving because my sibling hates driving but can drive. Neither parent is in bad shape, either. Guess who gets called to handle the big issues? Me.

My sibling is going to have a tough time with the large employment gap in their resume when they need to get back out there and support themself.

Sister is handling it all. Not op. Op would be there given the severity if she cared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op they don’t need to sell the house. How are you helping except to micromanage. Instead of complaining you should thank your sister and get on a plane and help.

Can't get on a plane and help. I did that for 2 months two years ago - left family, business, all responsibilities here. Now I've injured my back and can't go without making it worse, Had my folks and sister listened five years ago and brought themselves closer to us, we could be helping. They didn't. My sister NOW understands why I had that idea but its too late.

The only way to keep the house is for my husband and I to pay all their bills and expenses. That would significantly hurt us, especially since there will also be expenses for aides, etc. Are you planning to kick in? We really could use your money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

The sister is mooching. If she was helping then neither the parents nor the sister would need to reach out to the East Coast sister.

I have a moocher sibling. They are 40 and live with my parents rent free. They "help" my parents, but the extent of helping is carrying in groceries. My mom still drives and does all the driving because my sibling hates driving but can drive. Neither parent is in bad shape, either. Guess who gets called to handle the big issues? Me.

My sibling is going to have a tough time with the large employment gap in their resume when they need to get back out there and support themself.

Sister is handling it all. Not op. Op would be there given the severity if she cared.

I guess I could permanently injure myself or put myself in a wheelchair. I mean, isn't that what caring is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

So their situation is working for them, albeit money is tight. However you want your parents to have more caregiving than your sister can provide due to her needing to work. Your proposed solution is that they sell a $750k home, move into a rental, and hire someone to care for them.

I'm still not understanding why that puts them in a better financial situation, or how that gets them better care than your sister is providing. And your sister is supporting them financially too?

I didn’t say money is tight. I said they can’t afford their home on their social security checks. Why are you changing my words? Do you want to pay their taxes, home insurance and HOA fees? Their checks don’t even cover their basic needs for God sakes.

Why is it better? Because they will then have (wait for it) about 680K in the bank. Then they won’t be broke, my sister can continue to live with them and help, and if she needs help as they decline, they can afford to hire it. BTW, I got this plan from a certified financial planner who will manage their money. Unless you think you are qualified to do better?

Only a bogus financial planner would advise you to sell an appreciating asset to supplement income. What's the commission that certified financial planner would take to facilitate the asset transfers? It sounds like you're being scammed.

An appreciating asset that is often protected in Medicaid eligibility calculations, no less!

OP, I am sorry about the injury but the whole story about the husband and the awning sounds like something my mom, a compulsive people-pleaser, would do. She’d also be mad about it and then also lash out at the wrong people and focus on the wrong takeaways (“wrong” in terms of: does this focus improve the odds of having a better experience the next time?)

You are responsible for not having said no. Saying no is not a crime or an outrage. Just do it; you don’t need anyone’s permission.

It’s actually not as protected as you think. If my father goes into a Medicaid nursing home, Medicaid starts a lien against the house. Did you know that Medicaid can force the sale of a home and take everything but 150K, that’s all they leave for the surviving spouse? Oh, and my father’s social security check goes with him - so they take that as well for his care. How can my mother afford an asset she already can’t afford on one social security check?

Yep, I did the wrong thing fixing the awning. I should have taken it down and told him to go screw, that if he wanted to leave it up, he can come and fix it himself. My bad. The good news is my brother will take it down in Sept on his visit, and store it in its bin in the garage after taking key measurements for me. I can then make a new top on an industrial machine. I tend to like a compromise but everything can’t be a discussion when dealing with irrationality.

Clearly you don't understand medicaid. The remaining spouse CAN remain in the house. Read the rules. Yes, they will put a lien on the house but how cares. The bigger issue is finding a medicaid bed.

As long as they can PAY FOR THE HOUSE. Duh. And in the state they are in, the home can be forced into a sale to pay for their care. They aren’t indigent - they have a huge asset they are unwilling to liquidate

Medicaid will allow the remaining spouse or family members to keep the house and they will put a lien on the house. No big deal. You clearly don't get how it all works. Sister is dealign with it. OP needs to stay out of it. It makes no sense to sell the house to get an assisted living for one, nursing home for another and apartment for the sister.

So Medicare will pay for their expenses in the house like the yearly taxes, HOA and insurance? COOL

You have no idea what you ate talking about.

Do you think I'm serious with that statement? How are they going to meet their expenses on the house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op they don’t need to sell the house. How are you helping except to micromanage. Instead of complaining you should thank your sister and get on a plane and help.

Can't get on a plane and help. I did that for 2 months two years ago - left family, business, all responsibilities here. Now I've injured my back and can't go without making it worse, Had my folks and sister listened five years ago and brought themselves closer to us, we could be helping. They didn't. My sister NOW understands why I had that idea but its too late.

The only way to keep the house is for my husband and I to pay all their bills and expenses. That would significantly hurt us, especially since there will also be expenses for aides, etc. Are you planning to kick in? We really could use your money.

If you will not help, stop complaining. You are not paying for anything nor will you so again stay out of it. I took care of my mil for years so I have far more empathy for your sister.

Get on a plane and go help.

Let’s be real, even if they were closer you would not help.