So here we are, as expected - a vent

[Anonymous]

OP I am sorry for your loss. Sounds as if your brother is doing his best to be helpful as are you. Please ignore the haters. Elder care mgt is super tough. I hope that your mother and sister work it out and find a smaller place that is more manageable and less expensive.

Hang in there OP. Hope your hip continues to improve.

[Anonymous]

Reverse mortgage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those that read this thread, I’m the OP. My father passed quickly and peacefully on Tuesday after a short bout of pneumonia. I was able to speak with him via phone just before he passed. He left my mother with the gift of financial solvency since Medicaid was not needed, as well as the gift of a kind social worker who recognized my mother’s disabilities and set her up with some wonderful services Medicare provides. I still cannot get on a plane - my brother is there. My mother is saddened but mainly feels relieved as her needs had been ignored for a long time. I don’t know if my sister and mother will decide to move East but they sure want to downsize, which will free up cash. My brother asked me to help him by making lists of tasks around the house he should handle so my sister doesn’t have to do it. I plan to go out when I’m allowed, and can handle the obituary, etc, in the East coast papers - they know no one in AZ so no need to place an obit there. I will also organize an online celebration of life since family is scattered.

Turns out I have a severe forward rotation of my hip, to the point where my legs were uneven lengths, which a PT corrected. The pain yesterday was pretty bad as a result, but it’s starting to abate. With some more PT, my hip joint should stay in place. I’m hoping that I can go out as soon as October, which is when they will really need help with the move, etc.

I'm sorry for your father passing but you need to stay out of this. It's shocking the amount of complaining you are doing but you refuse to get on a place and help. Do not bully them into moving. Your mother just lost her husband and now you want to take away her home too.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Dealing with stubborn aging parents is overwhelming. I had to quickly move my parents the summer of 2020; find CCRC near me, deal with their health problems, prep their house, deal with all their crap, pack up, move and sell the house. I found some great people on here that are trained in dealing with seniors and their stuff. It was expensive, but 1-2 days with an expert to help get rid of stuff was so worth it!! Good luck!
https://www.nasmm.org/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry you are going through this. Dealing with stubborn aging parents is overwhelming. I had to quickly move my parents the summer of 2020; find CCRC near me, deal with their health problems, prep their house, deal with all their crap, pack up, move and sell the house. I found some great people on here that are trained in dealing with seniors and their stuff. It was expensive, but 1-2 days with an expert to help get rid of stuff was so worth it!! Good luck!
https://www.nasmm.org/

Thank you so much. It’s very hard. Expensive is something my husband and I are willing to tackle as long as it helps and does not enable. And this sounds like it will help.

[Anonymous]

If your sister was already providing total care, then your parents’ situation was working for them. A fall/broken hip could have occurred in a nursing home/assisted living, too. They had a pretty good run, and now they’ll be forced to make some big decisions, with the help of the hospital social worker or case manager. Perhaps it IS true that your sister’s caregiving enabled her to live in your parents’ home for free but again, she was providing a good deal of care, which would’ve been extremely costly to your parents. I don’t think your derision toward her is warranted.

That being said - you are 100% entitled to set your own boundaries and make a decision about the support you can or cannot provide, in terms of hands-on caregiving or financial help; there is no need to feel guilty about it, even if your family’s choices elicit those feelings. If your dad spends weeks/months in rehab and your sister decides to care for him in their home afterward, that’s her choice; it does NOT mean you need to participate beyond whatever you decide is reasonable (i.e. paying for a supplementary aide, managing finances from a distance, problem-solving solutions, absolutely nothing, etc.).

[Anonymous]

Oh gosh I’m the PP and just saw that your dad passed. I’m so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh gosh I’m the PP and just saw that your dad passed. I’m so sorry.

Thank you. The hospital actually notified social services because they were so concerned about how he looked. Sad verification that I was right to be pushing for change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am sorry for your loss. Sounds as if your brother is doing his best to be helpful as are you. Please ignore the haters. Elder care mgt is super tough. I hope that your mother and sister work it out and find a smaller place that is more manageable and less expensive.

Hang in there OP. Hope your hip continues to improve.

Thank you. Amazing, what PT can do!! I am doing so much better. I honestly don't know why I lived like that for over a month+. Depression? Dunno.

I think my sister is trying to maintain status quo on less money in the house. To be honest, I have to mentally check out of it will destroy me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those that read this thread, I’m the OP. My father passed quickly and peacefully on Tuesday after a short bout of pneumonia. I was able to speak with him via phone just before he passed. He left my mother with the gift of financial solvency since Medicaid was not needed, as well as the gift of a kind social worker who recognized my mother’s disabilities and set her up with some wonderful services Medicare provides. I still cannot get on a plane - my brother is there. My mother is saddened but mainly feels relieved as her needs had been ignored for a long time. I don’t know if my sister and mother will decide to move East but they sure want to downsize, which will free up cash. My brother asked me to help him by making lists of tasks around the house he should handle so my sister doesn’t have to do it. I plan to go out when I’m allowed, and can handle the obituary, etc, in the East coast papers - they know no one in AZ so no need to place an obit there. I will also organize an online celebration of life since family is scattered.

Turns out I have a severe forward rotation of my hip, to the point where my legs were uneven lengths, which a PT corrected. The pain yesterday was pretty bad as a result, but it’s starting to abate. With some more PT, my hip joint should stay in place. I’m hoping that I can go out as soon as October, which is when they will really need help with the move, etc.

I'm sorry for your father passing but you need to stay out of this. It's shocking the amount of complaining you are doing but you refuse to get on a place and help. Do not bully them into moving. Your mother just lost her husband and now you want to take away her home too.

I cannot get on a plane. Need 6 weeks of PT before I can think about it or I risk permanent damage. After than, I plan to. I'm not going to take their home - the state will. Unfortunately social services showed up at the door - one of the nurses at the hospital called them in after my father got there due to his unkempt state. They feel he was neglected. I don't think it was deliberate; I do think that stubbornness puts people in very bad positions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reverse mortgage

As stated earlier, for some reason they don't qualify. Probably has to do with credit card debt. Dunno.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m sorry for your loss.

But my goodness, I will never understand these posts that are so contemptuous of the sibling who is providing full-time, live-in care for ailing, elderly parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh gosh I’m the PP and just saw that your dad passed. I’m so sorry.

Thank you. The hospital actually notified social services because they were so concerned about how he looked. Sad verification that I was right to be pushing for change.

Your sister is caring for your mom. This is doubtful and they will not get involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reverse mortgage

As stated earlier, for some reason they don't qualify. Probably has to do with credit card debt. Dunno.

This sounds untrue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry you are going through this. Dealing with stubborn aging parents is overwhelming. I had to quickly move my parents the summer of 2020; find CCRC near me, deal with their health problems, prep their house, deal with all their crap, pack up, move and sell the house. I found some great people on here that are trained in dealing with seniors and their stuff. It was expensive, but 1-2 days with an expert to help get rid of stuff was so worth it!! Good luck!
https://www.nasmm.org/

Thank you so much. It’s very hard. Expensive is something my husband and I are willing to tackle as long as it helps and does not enable. And this sounds like it will help.

Enable? You cannot be for real. Hire a caregiver so your sister can work and pay the house expenses. They aren’t going to find a cheaper place to live. Be real.