So here we are, as expected - a vent

[Anonymous]

what about a reverse mortgage to get some of the cash available?

not the best first choice financially in most cases, but could solve a lot of issues in this specific scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:what about a reverse mortgage to get some of the cash available?

not the best first choice financially in most cases, but could solve a lot of issues in this specific scenario.

Can’t get approved

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what about a reverse mortgage to get some of the cash available?

not the best first choice financially in most cases, but could solve a lot of issues in this specific scenario.

Can’t get approved

Why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister is handling it. Stop being a bully.

We are very close and she was. But the reality is, is my father survives, she will be dealing with two frail, incontinent people who cannot dress themselves. My father, before this, couldn’t get himself out of bed unless my sister helped him get up.

Exactly, she is dealing with it, not you. The only thing you should be involved with is asking how can I help and actually helping. They aren't going to be able to go into assisted living. If they need 24/7 care, they need a nursing home and that can be $10-15K per person. How long do you think that money will last?

It’s their money. If they live long enough, Medicaid then kicks in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

So their situation is working for them, albeit money is tight. However you want your parents to have more caregiving than your sister can provide due to her needing to work. Your proposed solution is that they sell a $750k home, move into a rental, and hire someone to care for them.

I'm still not understanding why that puts them in a better financial situation, or how that gets them better care than your sister is providing. And your sister is supporting them financially too?

I didn’t say money is tight. I said they can’t afford their home on their social security checks. Why are you changing my words? Do you want to pay their taxes, home insurance and HOA fees? Their checks don’t even cover their basic needs for God sakes.

Why is it better? Because they will then have (wait for it) about 680K in the bank. Then they won’t be broke, my sister can continue to live with them and help, and if she needs help as they decline, they can afford to hire it. BTW, I got this plan from a certified financial planner who will manage their money. Unless you think you are qualified to do better?

Only a bogus financial planner would advise you to sell an appreciating asset to supplement income. What's the commission that certified financial planner would take to facilitate the asset transfers? It sounds like you're being scammed.

An appreciating asset that is often protected in Medicaid eligibility calculations, no less!

OP, I am sorry about the injury but the whole story about the husband and the awning sounds like something my mom, a compulsive people-pleaser, would do. She’d also be mad about it and then also lash out at the wrong people and focus on the wrong takeaways (“wrong” in terms of: does this focus improve the odds of having a better experience the next time?)

You are responsible for not having said no. Saying no is not a crime or an outrage. Just do it; you don’t need anyone’s permission.

It’s actually not as protected as you think. If my father goes into a Medicaid nursing home, Medicaid starts a lien against the house. Did you know that Medicaid can force the sale of a home and take everything but 150K, that’s all they leave for the surviving spouse? Oh, and my father’s social security check goes with him - so they take that as well for his care. How can my mother afford an asset she already can’t afford on one social security check?

Yep, I did the wrong thing fixing the awning. I should have taken it down and told him to go screw, that if he wanted to leave it up, he can come and fix it himself. My bad. The good news is my brother will take it down in Sept on his visit, and store it in its bin in the garage after taking key measurements for me. I can then make a new top on an industrial machine. I tend to like a compromise but everything can’t be a discussion when dealing with irrationality.

Clearly you don't understand medicaid. The remaining spouse CAN remain in the house. Read the rules. Yes, they will put a lien on the house but how cares. The bigger issue is finding a medicaid bed.

As long as they can PAY FOR THE HOUSE. Duh. And in the state they are in, the home can be forced into a sale to pay for their care. They aren’t indigent - they have a huge asset they are unwilling to liquidate

[Anonymous]

OP, are you in therapy? I'm really sympathetic to your situation but the new information about how you hurt yourself trying to accommodate a truly unreasonable request from your DH, plus the anger and hostility you're demonstrating in this thread, make me think you *really* need to talk to someone not only about your relationships with your parents and sister but also your relationship with your husband. Someone who can help you with limit-setting and communications.

Separately, on the piriformis, have you gone to PT? There are a lot of exercises that can help with a pinched piriformis. An orthopod can also give you an injection of long-acting painkillers and steroids to help reduce the pain and bring the inflammation down. It's not a cure, but it helps restore functionality and promote healing while you're doing PT to correct the issue. I've had a pinched piriformis and I know it's agonizing and debilitating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:what about a reverse mortgage to get some of the cash available?

not the best first choice financially in most cases, but could solve a lot of issues in this specific scenario.

Can’t get approved

Why not?

Bank said no. No idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you in therapy? I'm really sympathetic to your situation but the new information about how you hurt yourself trying to accommodate a truly unreasonable request from your DH, plus the anger and hostility you're demonstrating in this thread, make me think you *really* need to talk to someone not only about your relationships with your parents and sister but also your relationship with your husband. Someone who can help you with limit-setting and communications.

Separately, on the piriformis, have you gone to PT? There are a lot of exercises that can help with a pinched piriformis. An orthopod can also give you an injection of long-acting painkillers and steroids to help reduce the pain and bring the inflammation down. It's not a cure, but it helps restore functionality and promote healing while you're doing PT to correct the issue. I've had a pinched piriformis and I know it's agonizing and debilitating.

Done therapy. Therapist said situational stress is like this and it's normal to be angry, that angry is a normal feeling. Helping with drawing boundaries, etc. Yes, I'm doing PT. It takes a while to resolve. I'm about 70% better as still improving but this time, not willing to aggravate so am saying no.

[Anonymous]

So, you are just as much of a mess when it comes to your own health, but you feel justified to rip your own parents and sister apart?
Look in the mirror.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

Dp, why did you post here is you are the one that knows everything about everything? Prozac is a wonderful thing for angry people like you.

[Anonymous]

OP has created numerous threads already on this topic.

She's not all there, so take what she says with a grain of salt.

It's hard to look after the elderly, but even more so when you're not able to perceive reality correctly and process emotions normally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, you are just as much of a mess when it comes to your own health, but you feel justified to rip your own parents and sister apart?
Look in the mirror.

?? What a weird take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


OP has created numerous threads already on this topic.

She's not all there, so take what she says with a grain of salt.

It's hard to look after the elderly, but even more so when you're not able to perceive reality correctly and process emotions normally.

I’m the only one dealing with reality. My parents don’t understand there is no money tree in their backyard to pay for the expenses they incur

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


OP has created numerous threads already on this topic.

She's not all there, so take what she says with a grain of salt.

It's hard to look after the elderly, but even more so when you're not able to perceive reality correctly and process emotions normally.

I’m the only one dealing with reality. My parents don’t understand there is no money tree in their backyard to pay for the expenses they incur

You are not dealing with anything. You are just a nasty meddling not helping narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

Dp, why did you post here is you are the one that knows everything about everything? Prozac is a wonderful thing for angry people like you.

I said in the title I was venting and in the content I wanted to warn people not to be so accommodating.