So here we are, as expected - a vent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

So their situation is working for them, albeit money is tight. However you want your parents to have more caregiving than your sister can provide due to her needing to work. Your proposed solution is that they sell a $750k home, move into a rental, and hire someone to care for them.

I'm still not understanding why that puts them in a better financial situation, or how that gets them better care than your sister is providing. And your sister is supporting them financially too?

I didn’t say money is tight. I said they can’t afford their home on their social security checks. Why are you changing my words? Do you want to pay their taxes, home insurance and HOA fees? Their checks don’t even cover their basic needs for God sakes.

Why is it better? Because they will then have (wait for it) about 680K in the bank. Then they won’t be broke, my sister can continue to live with them and help, and if she needs help as they decline, they can afford to hire it. BTW, I got this plan from a certified financial planner who will manage their money. Unless you think you are qualified to do better?

Only a bogus financial planner would advise you to sell an appreciating asset to supplement income. What's the commission that certified financial planner would take to facilitate the asset transfers? It sounds like you're being scammed.

An appreciating asset that is often protected in Medicaid eligibility calculations, no less!

OP, I am sorry about the injury but the whole story about the husband and the awning sounds like something my mom, a compulsive people-pleaser, would do. She’d also be mad about it and then also lash out at the wrong people and focus on the wrong takeaways (“wrong” in terms of: does this focus improve the odds of having a better experience the next time?)

You are responsible for not having said no. Saying no is not a crime or an outrage. Just do it; you don’t need anyone’s permission.

It’s actually not as protected as you think. If my father goes into a Medicaid nursing home, Medicaid starts a lien against the house. Did you know that Medicaid can force the sale of a home and take everything but 150K, that’s all they leave for the surviving spouse? Oh, and my father’s social security check goes with him - so they take that as well for his care. How can my mother afford an asset she already can’t afford on one social security check?

Yep, I did the wrong thing fixing the awning. I should have taken it down and told him to go screw, that if he wanted to leave it up, he can come and fix it himself. My bad. The good news is my brother will take it down in Sept on his visit, and store it in its bin in the garage after taking key measurements for me. I can then make a new top on an industrial machine. I tend to like a compromise but everything can’t be a discussion when dealing with irrationality.

Clearly you don't understand medicaid. The remaining spouse CAN remain in the house. Read the rules. Yes, they will put a lien on the house but how cares. The bigger issue is finding a medicaid bed.

As long as they can PAY FOR THE HOUSE. Duh. And in the state they are in, the home can be forced into a sale to pay for their care. They aren’t indigent - they have a huge asset they are unwilling to liquidate

Medicaid will allow the remaining spouse or family members to keep the house and they will put a lien on the house. No big deal. You clearly don't get how it all works. Sister is dealign with it. OP needs to stay out of it. It makes no sense to sell the house to get an assisted living for one, nursing home for another and apartment for the sister.

So Medicare will pay for their expenses in the house like the yearly taxes, HOA and insurance? COOL

You have no idea what you ate talking about.

Do you think I'm serious with that statement? How are they going to meet their expenses on the house?

Social security.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

The sister is mooching. If she was helping then neither the parents nor the sister would need to reach out to the East Coast sister.

I have a moocher sibling. They are 40 and live with my parents rent free. They "help" my parents, but the extent of helping is carrying in groceries. My mom still drives and does all the driving because my sibling hates driving but can drive. Neither parent is in bad shape, either. Guess who gets called to handle the big issues? Me.

My sibling is going to have a tough time with the large employment gap in their resume when they need to get back out there and support themself.

Sister is handling it all. Not op. Op would be there given the severity if she cared.

I guess I could permanently injure myself or put myself in a wheelchair. I mean, isn't that what caring is?

Oh the drama. So, you are stuck home in bed never moving out of bed?

[Anonymous]

You do a lot of catastrophizing op. Get some therapy. You’re not as important as you think, and you seem to not see that. Your sister is actually the most important person in your parents life right now, and the fact that you make you mom cry in the phone suggests you are more trouble than helpful and they are all better off away from you which is why they all are. You invent a lot of dramatic scenarios where you are the hero, star and knight, and none of them add up or pan out. Figure out why you crave all this drama and attention. You are the only reason you are miserable, op, and there’s really no excuse for it, I suspect it makes everyone around you miserable as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

So their situation is working for them, albeit money is tight. However you want your parents to have more caregiving than your sister can provide due to her needing to work. Your proposed solution is that they sell a $750k home, move into a rental, and hire someone to care for them.

I'm still not understanding why that puts them in a better financial situation, or how that gets them better care than your sister is providing. And your sister is supporting them financially too?

I didn’t say money is tight. I said they can’t afford their home on their social security checks. Why are you changing my words? Do you want to pay their taxes, home insurance and HOA fees? Their checks don’t even cover their basic needs for God sakes.

Why is it better? Because they will then have (wait for it) about 680K in the bank. Then they won’t be broke, my sister can continue to live with them and help, and if she needs help as they decline, they can afford to hire it. BTW, I got this plan from a certified financial planner who will manage their money. Unless you think you are qualified to do better?

Only a bogus financial planner would advise you to sell an appreciating asset to supplement income. What's the commission that certified financial planner would take to facilitate the asset transfers? It sounds like you're being scammed.

An appreciating asset that is often protected in Medicaid eligibility calculations, no less!

OP, I am sorry about the injury but the whole story about the husband and the awning sounds like something my mom, a compulsive people-pleaser, would do. She’d also be mad about it and then also lash out at the wrong people and focus on the wrong takeaways (“wrong” in terms of: does this focus improve the odds of having a better experience the next time?)

You are responsible for not having said no. Saying no is not a crime or an outrage. Just do it; you don’t need anyone’s permission.

It’s actually not as protected as you think. If my father goes into a Medicaid nursing home, Medicaid starts a lien against the house. Did you know that Medicaid can force the sale of a home and take everything but 150K, that’s all they leave for the surviving spouse? Oh, and my father’s social security check goes with him - so they take that as well for his care. How can my mother afford an asset she already can’t afford on one social security check?

Yep, I did the wrong thing fixing the awning. I should have taken it down and told him to go screw, that if he wanted to leave it up, he can come and fix it himself. My bad. The good news is my brother will take it down in Sept on his visit, and store it in its bin in the garage after taking key measurements for me. I can then make a new top on an industrial machine. I tend to like a compromise but everything can’t be a discussion when dealing with irrationality.

Clearly you don't understand medicaid. The remaining spouse CAN remain in the house. Read the rules. Yes, they will put a lien on the house but how cares. The bigger issue is finding a medicaid bed.

As long as they can PAY FOR THE HOUSE. Duh. And in the state they are in, the home can be forced into a sale to pay for their care. They aren’t indigent - they have a huge asset they are unwilling to liquidate

Medicaid will allow the remaining spouse or family members to keep the house and they will put a lien on the house. No big deal. You clearly don't get how it all works. Sister is dealign with it. OP needs to stay out of it. It makes no sense to sell the house to get an assisted living for one, nursing home for another and apartment for the sister.

So Medicare will pay for their expenses in the house like the yearly taxes, HOA and insurance? COOL

You have no idea what you ate talking about.

Do you think I'm serious with that statement? How are they going to meet their expenses on the house?

Social security.

Their SS income is not enough to meet those expenses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

The sister is mooching. If she was helping then neither the parents nor the sister would need to reach out to the East Coast sister.

I have a moocher sibling. They are 40 and live with my parents rent free. They "help" my parents, but the extent of helping is carrying in groceries. My mom still drives and does all the driving because my sibling hates driving but can drive. Neither parent is in bad shape, either. Guess who gets called to handle the big issues? Me.

My sibling is going to have a tough time with the large employment gap in their resume when they need to get back out there and support themself.

Sister is handling it all. Not op. Op would be there given the severity if she cared.

I guess I could permanently injure myself or put myself in a wheelchair. I mean, isn't that what caring is?

Oh the drama. So, you are stuck home in bed never moving out of bed?

I was advised by medical professionals that the plane ride would be a problem right now, as will lifting anything over a couple pounds, unless I want the injury to become permanent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do a lot of catastrophizing op. Get some therapy. You’re not as important as you think, and you seem to not see that. Your sister is actually the most important person in your parents life right now, and the fact that you make you mom cry in the phone suggests you are more trouble than helpful and they are all better off away from you which is why they all are. You invent a lot of dramatic scenarios where you are the hero, star and knight, and none of them add up or pan out. Figure out why you crave all this drama and attention. You are the only reason you are miserable, op, and there’s really no excuse for it, I suspect it makes everyone around you miserable as well.

Correct about my sister.

Where did I say I made my Mom cry? It’s her nature to turn into a puddle at every hardship. I get it, she’s old. There is no hero in this. There is simply one way to live vs another, and I was hoping the state would not have to decide that for them. Unfortunately, there was a lot of fear-based behavior and not enough practical planning. So here we are.

Is it your nature to stalk these forums simply to try and insult people? It’s pretty sad, don’t you think? And it doesn’t work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op they don’t need to sell the house. How are you helping except to micromanage. Instead of complaining you should thank your sister and get on a plane and help.

Can't get on a plane and help. I did that for 2 months two years ago - left family, business, all responsibilities here. Now I've injured my back and can't go without making it worse, Had my folks and sister listened five years ago and brought themselves closer to us, we could be helping. They didn't. My sister NOW understands why I had that idea but its too late.

The only way to keep the house is for my husband and I to pay all their bills and expenses. That would significantly hurt us, especially since there will also be expenses for aides, etc. Are you planning to kick in? We really could use your money.

If you will not help, stop complaining. You are not paying for anything nor will you so again stay out of it. I took care of my mil for years so I have far more empathy for your sister.

Get on a plane and go help.

Let’s be real, even if they were closer you would not help.

We have paid over the years, things like food, my father’s TV service, new appliances, etc. They did have some money but that’s about gone now, so they’re important decisions to make. I was hoping to avoid this for their sake, but here we are. What we can’t do, is pay all the household bills. My parent’s SS barely made ends meet. If my father needs a medicaid nursing home, from what I understand, his social security goes with him, and that’s the lion’s share of the money. My mother’s check is very small. I think that’s all determined state by state, and they determine what she would need to live on.

If they do sell and move nearby, then my Dad would no longer be eligible for Medicaid, but they could hire someone in. If he’s never mobile again, then according to the state, he would need nursing care full time or a full time aide.

So go to help depends on what help means based on what condition he is in. When my aunt became immobile and I was the only one helping her with hospice at home we had to call the paramedics one night and two of them took me aside and told me that there was no way I could do it alone and that the hospice place will not care what happens to me. That turned out to be very true - my aunt could refuse hospital, inpatient hospice, catheterization (she was pretty much paralyzed), etc, and hospice would shrug their shoulders and walk out. Lifting a 130 lb woman who had turned into dead weight is partially why I am in the condition I am in. I’ve learned my lesson. I can help them find the right people to help, help them move if they decide to sell (movers would do the lifting, etc), help make meals, etc, but it would be for a limited timeframe, because, unfortunately, I have obligations across the country. Had they relocated back to the east coast, they would be reachable by car in a shorter timeframe and going back and forth to meet my own obligations would be workable. Plus there would be a large extended family to help as well on this coast. They know no-one in AZ anymore - people have moved home or died. It’s just the three of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

So their situation is working for them, albeit money is tight. However you want your parents to have more caregiving than your sister can provide due to her needing to work. Your proposed solution is that they sell a $750k home, move into a rental, and hire someone to care for them.

I'm still not understanding why that puts them in a better financial situation, or how that gets them better care than your sister is providing. And your sister is supporting them financially too?

I didn’t say money is tight. I said they can’t afford their home on their social security checks. Why are you changing my words? Do you want to pay their taxes, home insurance and HOA fees? Their checks don’t even cover their basic needs for God sakes.

Why is it better? Because they will then have (wait for it) about 680K in the bank. Then they won’t be broke, my sister can continue to live with them and help, and if she needs help as they decline, they can afford to hire it. BTW, I got this plan from a certified financial planner who will manage their money. Unless you think you are qualified to do better?

Only a bogus financial planner would advise you to sell an appreciating asset to supplement income. What's the commission that certified financial planner would take to facilitate the asset transfers? It sounds like you're being scammed.

An appreciating asset that is often protected in Medicaid eligibility calculations, no less!

OP, I am sorry about the injury but the whole story about the husband and the awning sounds like something my mom, a compulsive people-pleaser, would do. She’d also be mad about it and then also lash out at the wrong people and focus on the wrong takeaways (“wrong” in terms of: does this focus improve the odds of having a better experience the next time?)

You are responsible for not having said no. Saying no is not a crime or an outrage. Just do it; you don’t need anyone’s permission.

It’s actually not as protected as you think. If my father goes into a Medicaid nursing home, Medicaid starts a lien against the house. Did you know that Medicaid can force the sale of a home and take everything but 150K, that’s all they leave for the surviving spouse? Oh, and my father’s social security check goes with him - so they take that as well for his care. How can my mother afford an asset she already can’t afford on one social security check?

Yep, I did the wrong thing fixing the awning. I should have taken it down and told him to go screw, that if he wanted to leave it up, he can come and fix it himself. My bad. The good news is my brother will take it down in Sept on his visit, and store it in its bin in the garage after taking key measurements for me. I can then make a new top on an industrial machine. I tend to like a compromise but everything can’t be a discussion when dealing with irrationality.

Clearly you don't understand medicaid. The remaining spouse CAN remain in the house. Read the rules. Yes, they will put a lien on the house but how cares. The bigger issue is finding a medicaid bed.

As long as they can PAY FOR THE HOUSE. Duh. And in the state they are in, the home can be forced into a sale to pay for their care. They aren’t indigent - they have a huge asset they are unwilling to liquidate

Medicaid will allow the remaining spouse or family members to keep the house and they will put a lien on the house. No big deal. You clearly don't get how it all works. Sister is dealign with it. OP needs to stay out of it. It makes no sense to sell the house to get an assisted living for one, nursing home for another and apartment for the sister.

So Medicare will pay for their expenses in the house like the yearly taxes, HOA and insurance? COOL

You have no idea what you ate talking about.

Do you think I'm serious with that statement? How are they going to meet their expenses on the house?

Social security.

Their SS income is not enough to meet those expenses

And yet the three of them are managing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op they don’t need to sell the house. How are you helping except to micromanage. Instead of complaining you should thank your sister and get on a plane and help.

Can't get on a plane and help. I did that for 2 months two years ago - left family, business, all responsibilities here. Now I've injured my back and can't go without making it worse, Had my folks and sister listened five years ago and brought themselves closer to us, we could be helping. They didn't. My sister NOW understands why I had that idea but its too late.

The only way to keep the house is for my husband and I to pay all their bills and expenses. That would significantly hurt us, especially since there will also be expenses for aides, etc. Are you planning to kick in? We really could use your money.

If you will not help, stop complaining. You are not paying for anything nor will you so again stay out of it. I took care of my mil for years so I have far more empathy for your sister.

Get on a plane and go help.

Let’s be real, even if they were closer you would not help.

We have paid over the years, things like food, my father’s TV service, new appliances, etc. They did have some money but that’s about gone now, so they’re important decisions to make. I was hoping to avoid this for their sake, but here we are. What we can’t do, is pay all the household bills. My parent’s SS barely made ends meet. If my father needs a medicaid nursing home, from what I understand, his social security goes with him, and that’s the lion’s share of the money. My mother’s check is very small. I think that’s all determined state by state, and they determine what she would need to live on.

If they do sell and move nearby, then my Dad would no longer be eligible for Medicaid, but they could hire someone in. If he’s never mobile again, then according to the state, he would need nursing care full time or a full time aide.

So go to help depends on what help means based on what condition he is in. When my aunt became immobile and I was the only one helping her with hospice at home we had to call the paramedics one night and two of them took me aside and told me that there was no way I could do it alone and that the hospice place will not care what happens to me. That turned out to be very true - my aunt could refuse hospital, inpatient hospice, catheterization (she was pretty much paralyzed), etc, and hospice would shrug their shoulders and walk out. Lifting a 130 lb woman who had turned into dead weight is partially why I am in the condition I am in. I’ve learned my lesson. I can help them find the right people to help, help them move if they decide to sell (movers would do the lifting, etc), help make meals, etc, but it would be for a limited timeframe, because, unfortunately, I have obligations across the country. Had they relocated back to the east coast, they would be reachable by car in a shorter timeframe and going back and forth to meet my own obligations would be workable. Plus there would be a large extended family to help as well on this coast. They know no-one in AZ anymore - people have moved home or died. It’s just the three of them.

They have said no. No means no. Stop making this all about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

So their situation is working for them, albeit money is tight. However you want your parents to have more caregiving than your sister can provide due to her needing to work. Your proposed solution is that they sell a $750k home, move into a rental, and hire someone to care for them.

I'm still not understanding why that puts them in a better financial situation, or how that gets them better care than your sister is providing. And your sister is supporting them financially too?

I didn’t say money is tight. I said they can’t afford their home on their social security checks. Why are you changing my words? Do you want to pay their taxes, home insurance and HOA fees? Their checks don’t even cover their basic needs for God sakes.

Why is it better? Because they will then have (wait for it) about 680K in the bank. Then they won’t be broke, my sister can continue to live with them and help, and if she needs help as they decline, they can afford to hire it. BTW, I got this plan from a certified financial planner who will manage their money. Unless you think you are qualified to do better?

Only a bogus financial planner would advise you to sell an appreciating asset to supplement income. What's the commission that certified financial planner would take to facilitate the asset transfers? It sounds like you're being scammed.

An appreciating asset that is often protected in Medicaid eligibility calculations, no less!

OP, I am sorry about the injury but the whole story about the husband and the awning sounds like something my mom, a compulsive people-pleaser, would do. She’d also be mad about it and then also lash out at the wrong people and focus on the wrong takeaways (“wrong” in terms of: does this focus improve the odds of having a better experience the next time?)

You are responsible for not having said no. Saying no is not a crime or an outrage. Just do it; you don’t need anyone’s permission.

It’s actually not as protected as you think. If my father goes into a Medicaid nursing home, Medicaid starts a lien against the house. Did you know that Medicaid can force the sale of a home and take everything but 150K, that’s all they leave for the surviving spouse? Oh, and my father’s social security check goes with him - so they take that as well for his care. How can my mother afford an asset she already can’t afford on one social security check?

Yep, I did the wrong thing fixing the awning. I should have taken it down and told him to go screw, that if he wanted to leave it up, he can come and fix it himself. My bad. The good news is my brother will take it down in Sept on his visit, and store it in its bin in the garage after taking key measurements for me. I can then make a new top on an industrial machine. I tend to like a compromise but everything can’t be a discussion when dealing with irrationality.

Clearly you don't understand medicaid. The remaining spouse CAN remain in the house. Read the rules. Yes, they will put a lien on the house but how cares. The bigger issue is finding a medicaid bed.

As long as they can PAY FOR THE HOUSE. Duh. And in the state they are in, the home can be forced into a sale to pay for their care. They aren’t indigent - they have a huge asset they are unwilling to liquidate

Medicaid will allow the remaining spouse or family members to keep the house and they will put a lien on the house. No big deal. You clearly don't get how it all works. Sister is dealign with it. OP needs to stay out of it. It makes no sense to sell the house to get an assisted living for one, nursing home for another and apartment for the sister.

So Medicare will pay for their expenses in the house like the yearly taxes, HOA and insurance? COOL

You have no idea what you ate talking about.

Do you think I'm serious with that statement? How are they going to meet their expenses on the house?

Social security.

Their SS income is not enough to meet those expenses

And yet the three of them are managing.

No, they are not. That's been my point. They have used down any reserves they had and can no longer pay their taxes, HOA, and insurance, Their social security won't cover those expenses and allow them to eat, purchase their medications, pay their electric bill, etc.

I don't know why you are so invested in this? I'd prefer a monthly check to your scorn. Thanks in advance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op they don’t need to sell the house. How are you helping except to micromanage. Instead of complaining you should thank your sister and get on a plane and help.

Can't get on a plane and help. I did that for 2 months two years ago - left family, business, all responsibilities here. Now I've injured my back and can't go without making it worse, Had my folks and sister listened five years ago and brought themselves closer to us, we could be helping. They didn't. My sister NOW understands why I had that idea but its too late.

The only way to keep the house is for my husband and I to pay all their bills and expenses. That would significantly hurt us, especially since there will also be expenses for aides, etc. Are you planning to kick in? We really could use your money.

If you will not help, stop complaining. You are not paying for anything nor will you so again stay out of it. I took care of my mil for years so I have far more empathy for your sister.

Get on a plane and go help.

Let’s be real, even if they were closer you would not help.

We have paid over the years, things like food, my father’s TV service, new appliances, etc. They did have some money but that’s about gone now, so they’re important decisions to make. I was hoping to avoid this for their sake, but here we are. What we can’t do, is pay all the household bills. My parent’s SS barely made ends meet. If my father needs a medicaid nursing home, from what I understand, his social security goes with him, and that’s the lion’s share of the money. My mother’s check is very small. I think that’s all determined state by state, and they determine what she would need to live on.

If they do sell and move nearby, then my Dad would no longer be eligible for Medicaid, but they could hire someone in. If he’s never mobile again, then according to the state, he would need nursing care full time or a full time aide.

So go to help depends on what help means based on what condition he is in. When my aunt became immobile and I was the only one helping her with hospice at home we had to call the paramedics one night and two of them took me aside and told me that there was no way I could do it alone and that the hospice place will not care what happens to me. That turned out to be very true - my aunt could refuse hospital, inpatient hospice, catheterization (she was pretty much paralyzed), etc, and hospice would shrug their shoulders and walk out. Lifting a 130 lb woman who had turned into dead weight is partially why I am in the condition I am in. I’ve learned my lesson. I can help them find the right people to help, help them move if they decide to sell (movers would do the lifting, etc), help make meals, etc, but it would be for a limited timeframe, because, unfortunately, I have obligations across the country. Had they relocated back to the east coast, they would be reachable by car in a shorter timeframe and going back and forth to meet my own obligations would be workable. Plus there would be a large extended family to help as well on this coast. They know no-one in AZ anymore - people have moved home or died. It’s just the three of them.

They have said no. No means no. Stop making this all about you.

Begone, before someone drops a house on you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

So their situation is working for them, albeit money is tight. However you want your parents to have more caregiving than your sister can provide due to her needing to work. Your proposed solution is that they sell a $750k home, move into a rental, and hire someone to care for them.

I'm still not understanding why that puts them in a better financial situation, or how that gets them better care than your sister is providing. And your sister is supporting them financially too?

I didn’t say money is tight. I said they can’t afford their home on their social security checks. Why are you changing my words? Do you want to pay their taxes, home insurance and HOA fees? Their checks don’t even cover their basic needs for God sakes.

Why is it better? Because they will then have (wait for it) about 680K in the bank. Then they won’t be broke, my sister can continue to live with them and help, and if she needs help as they decline, they can afford to hire it. BTW, I got this plan from a certified financial planner who will manage their money. Unless you think you are qualified to do better?

Only a bogus financial planner would advise you to sell an appreciating asset to supplement income. What's the commission that certified financial planner would take to facilitate the asset transfers? It sounds like you're being scammed.

An appreciating asset that is often protected in Medicaid eligibility calculations, no less!

OP, I am sorry about the injury but the whole story about the husband and the awning sounds like something my mom, a compulsive people-pleaser, would do. She’d also be mad about it and then also lash out at the wrong people and focus on the wrong takeaways (“wrong” in terms of: does this focus improve the odds of having a better experience the next time?)

You are responsible for not having said no. Saying no is not a crime or an outrage. Just do it; you don’t need anyone’s permission.

It’s actually not as protected as you think. If my father goes into a Medicaid nursing home, Medicaid starts a lien against the house. Did you know that Medicaid can force the sale of a home and take everything but 150K, that’s all they leave for the surviving spouse? Oh, and my father’s social security check goes with him - so they take that as well for his care. How can my mother afford an asset she already can’t afford on one social security check?

Yep, I did the wrong thing fixing the awning. I should have taken it down and told him to go screw, that if he wanted to leave it up, he can come and fix it himself. My bad. The good news is my brother will take it down in Sept on his visit, and store it in its bin in the garage after taking key measurements for me. I can then make a new top on an industrial machine. I tend to like a compromise but everything can’t be a discussion when dealing with irrationality.

Clearly you don't understand medicaid. The remaining spouse CAN remain in the house. Read the rules. Yes, they will put a lien on the house but how cares. The bigger issue is finding a medicaid bed.

As long as they can PAY FOR THE HOUSE. Duh. And in the state they are in, the home can be forced into a sale to pay for their care. They aren’t indigent - they have a huge asset they are unwilling to liquidate

Medicaid will allow the remaining spouse or family members to keep the house and they will put a lien on the house. No big deal. You clearly don't get how it all works. Sister is dealign with it. OP needs to stay out of it. It makes no sense to sell the house to get an assisted living for one, nursing home for another and apartment for the sister.

So Medicare will pay for their expenses in the house like the yearly taxes, HOA and insurance? COOL

You have no idea what you ate talking about.

Do you think I'm serious with that statement? How are they going to meet their expenses on the house?

Social security.

Their SS income is not enough to meet those expenses

And yet the three of them are managing.

No, they are not. That's been my point. They have used down any reserves they had and can no longer pay their taxes, HOA, and insurance, Their social security won't cover those expenses and allow them to eat, purchase their medications, pay their electric bill, etc.

I don't know why you are so invested in this? I'd prefer a monthly check to your scorn. Thanks in advance?

You are posting here with your drama. If you don’t want opinions don’t post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

So their situation is working for them, albeit money is tight. However you want your parents to have more caregiving than your sister can provide due to her needing to work. Your proposed solution is that they sell a $750k home, move into a rental, and hire someone to care for them.

I'm still not understanding why that puts them in a better financial situation, or how that gets them better care than your sister is providing. And your sister is supporting them financially too?

I didn’t say money is tight. I said they can’t afford their home on their social security checks. Why are you changing my words? Do you want to pay their taxes, home insurance and HOA fees? Their checks don’t even cover their basic needs for God sakes.

Why is it better? Because they will then have (wait for it) about 680K in the bank. Then they won’t be broke, my sister can continue to live with them and help, and if she needs help as they decline, they can afford to hire it. BTW, I got this plan from a certified financial planner who will manage their money. Unless you think you are qualified to do better?

Only a bogus financial planner would advise you to sell an appreciating asset to supplement income. What's the commission that certified financial planner would take to facilitate the asset transfers? It sounds like you're being scammed.

An appreciating asset that is often protected in Medicaid eligibility calculations, no less!

OP, I am sorry about the injury but the whole story about the husband and the awning sounds like something my mom, a compulsive people-pleaser, would do. She’d also be mad about it and then also lash out at the wrong people and focus on the wrong takeaways (“wrong” in terms of: does this focus improve the odds of having a better experience the next time?)

You are responsible for not having said no. Saying no is not a crime or an outrage. Just do it; you don’t need anyone’s permission.

It’s actually not as protected as you think. If my father goes into a Medicaid nursing home, Medicaid starts a lien against the house. Did you know that Medicaid can force the sale of a home and take everything but 150K, that’s all they leave for the surviving spouse? Oh, and my father’s social security check goes with him - so they take that as well for his care. How can my mother afford an asset she already can’t afford on one social security check?

Yep, I did the wrong thing fixing the awning. I should have taken it down and told him to go screw, that if he wanted to leave it up, he can come and fix it himself. My bad. The good news is my brother will take it down in Sept on his visit, and store it in its bin in the garage after taking key measurements for me. I can then make a new top on an industrial machine. I tend to like a compromise but everything can’t be a discussion when dealing with irrationality.

Clearly you don't understand medicaid. The remaining spouse CAN remain in the house. Read the rules. Yes, they will put a lien on the house but how cares. The bigger issue is finding a medicaid bed.

As long as they can PAY FOR THE HOUSE. Duh. And in the state they are in, the home can be forced into a sale to pay for their care. They aren’t indigent - they have a huge asset they are unwilling to liquidate

Medicaid will allow the remaining spouse or family members to keep the house and they will put a lien on the house. No big deal. You clearly don't get how it all works. Sister is dealign with it. OP needs to stay out of it. It makes no sense to sell the house to get an assisted living for one, nursing home for another and apartment for the sister.

So Medicare will pay for their expenses in the house like the yearly taxes, HOA and insurance? COOL

You have no idea what you ate talking about.

Do you think I'm serious with that statement? How are they going to meet their expenses on the house?

Social security.

Their SS income is not enough to meet those expenses

And yet the three of them are managing.

No, they are not. That's been my point. They have used down any reserves they had and can no longer pay their taxes, HOA, and insurance, Their social security won't cover those expenses and allow them to eat, purchase their medications, pay their electric bill, etc.

I don't know why you are so invested in this? I'd prefer a monthly check to your scorn. Thanks in advance?

You are not willing to help. Your sister will figure it out as always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

So their situation is working for them, albeit money is tight. However you want your parents to have more caregiving than your sister can provide due to her needing to work. Your proposed solution is that they sell a $750k home, move into a rental, and hire someone to care for them.

I'm still not understanding why that puts them in a better financial situation, or how that gets them better care than your sister is providing. And your sister is supporting them financially too?

I didn’t say money is tight. I said they can’t afford their home on their social security checks. Why are you changing my words? Do you want to pay their taxes, home insurance and HOA fees? Their checks don’t even cover their basic needs for God sakes.

Why is it better? Because they will then have (wait for it) about 680K in the bank. Then they won’t be broke, my sister can continue to live with them and help, and if she needs help as they decline, they can afford to hire it. BTW, I got this plan from a certified financial planner who will manage their money. Unless you think you are qualified to do better?

Only a bogus financial planner would advise you to sell an appreciating asset to supplement income. What's the commission that certified financial planner would take to facilitate the asset transfers? It sounds like you're being scammed.

An appreciating asset that is often protected in Medicaid eligibility calculations, no less!

OP, I am sorry about the injury but the whole story about the husband and the awning sounds like something my mom, a compulsive people-pleaser, would do. She’d also be mad about it and then also lash out at the wrong people and focus on the wrong takeaways (“wrong” in terms of: does this focus improve the odds of having a better experience the next time?)

You are responsible for not having said no. Saying no is not a crime or an outrage. Just do it; you don’t need anyone’s permission.

It’s actually not as protected as you think. If my father goes into a Medicaid nursing home, Medicaid starts a lien against the house. Did you know that Medicaid can force the sale of a home and take everything but 150K, that’s all they leave for the surviving spouse? Oh, and my father’s social security check goes with him - so they take that as well for his care. How can my mother afford an asset she already can’t afford on one social security check?

Yep, I did the wrong thing fixing the awning. I should have taken it down and told him to go screw, that if he wanted to leave it up, he can come and fix it himself. My bad. The good news is my brother will take it down in Sept on his visit, and store it in its bin in the garage after taking key measurements for me. I can then make a new top on an industrial machine. I tend to like a compromise but everything can’t be a discussion when dealing with irrationality.

Clearly you don't understand medicaid. The remaining spouse CAN remain in the house. Read the rules. Yes, they will put a lien on the house but how cares. The bigger issue is finding a medicaid bed.

As long as they can PAY FOR THE HOUSE. Duh. And in the state they are in, the home can be forced into a sale to pay for their care. They aren’t indigent - they have a huge asset they are unwilling to liquidate

Medicaid will allow the remaining spouse or family members to keep the house and they will put a lien on the house. No big deal. You clearly don't get how it all works. Sister is dealign with it. OP needs to stay out of it. It makes no sense to sell the house to get an assisted living for one, nursing home for another and apartment for the sister.

So Medicare will pay for their expenses in the house like the yearly taxes, HOA and insurance? COOL

You have no idea what you ate talking about.

Do you think I'm serious with that statement? How are they going to meet their expenses on the house?

Social security.

Their SS income is not enough to meet those expenses

And yet the three of them are managing.

No, they are not. That's been my point. They have used down any reserves they had and can no longer pay their taxes, HOA, and insurance, Their social security won't cover those expenses and allow them to eat, purchase their medications, pay their electric bill, etc.

I don't know why you are so invested in this? I'd prefer a monthly check to your scorn. Thanks in advance?

You are not willing to help. Your sister will figure it out as always.

Do you troll every forum so you can get your rocks off with this stuff? Just curious.

[Anonymous]

For those that read this thread, I’m the OP. My father passed quickly and peacefully on Tuesday after a short bout of pneumonia. I was able to speak with him via phone just before he passed. He left my mother with the gift of financial solvency since Medicaid was not needed, as well as the gift of a kind social worker who recognized my mother’s disabilities and set her up with some wonderful services Medicare provides. I still cannot get on a plane - my brother is there. My mother is saddened but mainly feels relieved as her needs had been ignored for a long time. I don’t know if my sister and mother will decide to move East but they sure want to downsize, which will free up cash. My brother asked me to help him by making lists of tasks around the house he should handle so my sister doesn’t have to do it. I plan to go out when I’m allowed, and can handle the obituary, etc, in the East coast papers - they know no one in AZ so no need to place an obit there. I will also organize an online celebration of life since family is scattered.

Turns out I have a severe forward rotation of my hip, to the point where my legs were uneven lengths, which a PT corrected. The pain yesterday was pretty bad as a result, but it’s starting to abate. With some more PT, my hip joint should stay in place. I’m hoping that I can go out as soon as October, which is when they will really need help with the move, etc.