So here we are, as expected - a vent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

So their situation is working for them, albeit money is tight. However you want your parents to have more caregiving than your sister can provide due to her needing to work. Your proposed solution is that they sell a $750k home, move into a rental, and hire someone to care for them.

I'm still not understanding why that puts them in a better financial situation, or how that gets them better care than your sister is providing. And your sister is supporting them financially too?

I didn’t say money is tight. I said they can’t afford their home on their social security checks. Why are you changing my words? Do you want to pay their taxes, home insurance and HOA fees? Their checks don’t even cover their basic needs for God sakes.

Why is it better? Because they will then have (wait for it) about 680K in the bank. Then they won’t be broke, my sister can continue to live with them and help, and if she needs help as they decline, they can afford to hire it. BTW, I got this plan from a certified financial planner who will manage their money. Unless you think you are qualified to do better?

Only a bogus financial planner would advise you to sell an appreciating asset to supplement income. What's the commission that certified financial planner would take to facilitate the asset transfers? It sounds like you're being scammed.

An appreciating asset that is often protected in Medicaid eligibility calculations, no less!

OP, I am sorry about the injury but the whole story about the husband and the awning sounds like something my mom, a compulsive people-pleaser, would do. She’d also be mad about it and then also lash out at the wrong people and focus on the wrong takeaways (“wrong” in terms of: does this focus improve the odds of having a better experience the next time?)

You are responsible for not having said no. Saying no is not a crime or an outrage. Just do it; you don’t need anyone’s permission.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It's you again.

You have a lot of anxiety that makes you chose the wrong course of action and then makes your situation worse. Mostly you suffer from perfectionism and a martyr complex.

It's OK to let other people suffer the consequences of their poor choices. If your sister or parents want your help, you can say no. If they end up in crappy nursing homes, that's fine. Your sister is dealing with a lot, and it would be nice to help her, but you can't. End of story.

You don't need to martyr yourself at home either. Anything cosmetic is not an emergency and no reason to push yourself. Pay someone else to deal with house repairs. Do regular yoga to protect your joints and musculature.

I care about my folks and it makes me angry that they have choices they won’t exercise. That’s normal. I agree about paying someone else to do home repairs since my husband is too busy with his hobby. I said that he no longer gets the benefit of ‘let’s talk about what to do’

They have choices. They have made their choices. You don’t like or agree with their choices. Oh well.

All of the other drama about the piriformis and the awning is entirely immaterial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

So their situation is working for them, albeit money is tight. However you want your parents to have more caregiving than your sister can provide due to her needing to work. Your proposed solution is that they sell a $750k home, move into a rental, and hire someone to care for them.

I'm still not understanding why that puts them in a better financial situation, or how that gets them better care than your sister is providing. And your sister is supporting them financially too?

I didn’t say money is tight. I said they can’t afford their home on their social security checks. Why are you changing my words? Do you want to pay their taxes, home insurance and HOA fees? Their checks don’t even cover their basic needs for God sakes.

Why is it better? Because they will then have (wait for it) about 680K in the bank. Then they won’t be broke, my sister can continue to live with them and help, and if she needs help as they decline, they can afford to hire it. BTW, I got this plan from a certified financial planner who will manage their money. Unless you think you are qualified to do better?

Sounds like you know it all and you can delete this post, as well as all your previous posts. Whew.

[Anonymous]

Your sister is handling it. Stop being a bully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP! I am in a similar situation right now and I came to the realization that the issue with my problems is me, myself and I. You can’t influence people to do things your way, as you just found out. You need to work with the situation you have at hand. Your sister is doing A LOT! She takes care of your parents in their own home. If you can’t appreciate what physical and emotional labor that is, you are the issue. You should be grateful she is doing this, according to their wishes and in accordance with how they want to live their lives at an old age. Your parents have made the decision that they want to stay in their house for as long as possible. Your mom already told you that and you refuse to accept it. You’re trying to take away their agency - they clearly accept that they might live less long, have an accident etc. and it’s worth it to them as long as they can remain in their current lifestyle. No one has forced you to take on anything. The awning is on you. The guilty feeling is on you. You need to accept that not everything has to go according to your plan. I recently learned this from my previously estranged sister and am employing this right now with my mom. I am taking a mental health break at the beach while my mom is looking for her credit card, which she lost for the 20th time. I offered help with banking issues, she refused many times. This is the consequence: I am not sacrificing my Sunday morning to call up banks or rifle through her mess.

My sister IS doing a lot and I’m SO grateful. Part of the issue I have with it though, is it’s not good for HER except for the here and now. She definitely agrees with me now but we can’t go back to fix the past.

I have no problem with them staying in their home if they can afford it. They can’t. If your mother and father refused to move and could not afford taxes, HOA, etc, you would not be concerned? I’m expressing frustration at the idea that they all let it get this bad when it never had to. You don’t understand that?

I would help them pay it. Cheaper than rent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

So their situation is working for them, albeit money is tight. However you want your parents to have more caregiving than your sister can provide due to her needing to work. Your proposed solution is that they sell a $750k home, move into a rental, and hire someone to care for them.

I'm still not understanding why that puts them in a better financial situation, or how that gets them better care than your sister is providing. And your sister is supporting them financially too?

I didn’t say money is tight. I said they can’t afford their home on their social security checks. Why are you changing my words? Do you want to pay their taxes, home insurance and HOA fees? Their checks don’t even cover their basic needs for God sakes.

Why is it better? Because they will then have (wait for it) about 680K in the bank. Then they won’t be broke, my sister can continue to live with them and help, and if she needs help as they decline, they can afford to hire it. BTW, I got this plan from a certified financial planner who will manage their money. Unless you think you are qualified to do better?

I am confused. Where do you expect them all to live if they sell the house?

They will go through that 680k in no time. Home care is about thirty dollars per hour. Do the math.

I saw above you expect your sister to quit her job?? NOT a good idea. Why should she quit her job ? She needs to have an income. If they need care, she can provide it when not on working hours and you and your brother can discuss paying someone to come in when she is at work. Your sister shouldn’t have to become destitute and unemployed to care for your parents. If eve she wasn’t working, she couldn’t be expected to care for your parents full time twenty four seven. That’s not physically possible and fyi that costs waaaaay more than what she would pay in rent somewhere if she was not living with your parents.

They are almost 90, both extremely frail with heart failure. The money will last until it doesn’t, but according to our financial planner, it will likely outlast them. To be honest, I don’t expect my father to recover from this enough to come home, given his current condition.

Where will they live? Have you heard of rentals? No worries - we have an actual expert helping with that, not some DCUM snarky know it all. Well welcome to my world. You are smugly stating things I have stated - that if they sell, we can now pay to get my sister help. My parents also have the option of assisted living. Right now, living in a paid-off expensive home with no way to pay all the bills is just stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

So their situation is working for them, albeit money is tight. However you want your parents to have more caregiving than your sister can provide due to her needing to work. Your proposed solution is that they sell a $750k home, move into a rental, and hire someone to care for them.

I'm still not understanding why that puts them in a better financial situation, or how that gets them better care than your sister is providing. And your sister is supporting them financially too?

I didn’t say money is tight. I said they can’t afford their home on their social security checks. Why are you changing my words? Do you want to pay their taxes, home insurance and HOA fees? Their checks don’t even cover their basic needs for God sakes.

Why is it better? Because they will then have (wait for it) about 680K in the bank. Then they won’t be broke, my sister can continue to live with them and help, and if she needs help as they decline, they can afford to hire it. BTW, I got this plan from a certified financial planner who will manage their money. Unless you think you are qualified to do better?

Your anger isn't serving you. Find a way to cope that doesn't involve lashing out at strangers who you are purportedly asking for advice.

LOLOL. Welcome to the DC area

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

So their situation is working for them, albeit money is tight. However you want your parents to have more caregiving than your sister can provide due to her needing to work. Your proposed solution is that they sell a $750k home, move into a rental, and hire someone to care for them.

I'm still not understanding why that puts them in a better financial situation, or how that gets them better care than your sister is providing. And your sister is supporting them financially too?

I didn’t say money is tight. I said they can’t afford their home on their social security checks. Why are you changing my words? Do you want to pay their taxes, home insurance and HOA fees? Their checks don’t even cover their basic needs for God sakes.

Why is it better? Because they will then have (wait for it) about 680K in the bank. Then they won’t be broke, my sister can continue to live with them and help, and if she needs help as they decline, they can afford to hire it. BTW, I got this plan from a certified financial planner who will manage their money. Unless you think you are qualified to do better?

Only a bogus financial planner would advise you to sell an appreciating asset to supplement income. What's the commission that certified financial planner would take to facilitate the asset transfers? It sounds like you're being scammed.

Yep, attack the financial planner because you have nothing else. HAHAHAHAHAAHA.

I’ll be awaiting your personal check to help my folks with the extraneous bills. We’d appreciate delivery on the 20th of every month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

So their situation is working for them, albeit money is tight. However you want your parents to have more caregiving than your sister can provide due to her needing to work. Your proposed solution is that they sell a $750k home, move into a rental, and hire someone to care for them.

I'm still not understanding why that puts them in a better financial situation, or how that gets them better care than your sister is providing. And your sister is supporting them financially too?

I didn’t say money is tight. I said they can’t afford their home on their social security checks. Why are you changing my words? Do you want to pay their taxes, home insurance and HOA fees? Their checks don’t even cover their basic needs for God sakes.

Why is it better? Because they will then have (wait for it) about 680K in the bank. Then they won’t be broke, my sister can continue to live with them and help, and if she needs help as they decline, they can afford to hire it. BTW, I got this plan from a certified financial planner who will manage their money. Unless you think you are qualified to do better?

Only a bogus financial planner would advise you to sell an appreciating asset to supplement income. What's the commission that certified financial planner would take to facilitate the asset transfers? It sounds like you're being scammed.

An appreciating asset that is often protected in Medicaid eligibility calculations, no less!

OP, I am sorry about the injury but the whole story about the husband and the awning sounds like something my mom, a compulsive people-pleaser, would do. She’d also be mad about it and then also lash out at the wrong people and focus on the wrong takeaways (“wrong” in terms of: does this focus improve the odds of having a better experience the next time?)

You are responsible for not having said no. Saying no is not a crime or an outrage. Just do it; you don’t need anyone’s permission.

It’s actually not as protected as you think. If my father goes into a Medicaid nursing home, Medicaid starts a lien against the house. Did you know that Medicaid can force the sale of a home and take everything but 150K, that’s all they leave for the surviving spouse? Oh, and my father’s social security check goes with him - so they take that as well for his care. How can my mother afford an asset she already can’t afford on one social security check?

Yep, I did the wrong thing fixing the awning. I should have taken it down and told him to go screw, that if he wanted to leave it up, he can come and fix it himself. My bad. The good news is my brother will take it down in Sept on his visit, and store it in its bin in the garage after taking key measurements for me. I can then make a new top on an industrial machine. I tend to like a compromise but everything can’t be a discussion when dealing with irrationality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP! I am in a similar situation right now and I came to the realization that the issue with my problems is me, myself and I. You can’t influence people to do things your way, as you just found out. You need to work with the situation you have at hand. Your sister is doing A LOT! She takes care of your parents in their own home. If you can’t appreciate what physical and emotional labor that is, you are the issue. You should be grateful she is doing this, according to their wishes and in accordance with how they want to live their lives at an old age. Your parents have made the decision that they want to stay in their house for as long as possible. Your mom already told you that and you refuse to accept it. You’re trying to take away their agency - they clearly accept that they might live less long, have an accident etc. and it’s worth it to them as long as they can remain in their current lifestyle. No one has forced you to take on anything. The awning is on you. The guilty feeling is on you. You need to accept that not everything has to go according to your plan. I recently learned this from my previously estranged sister and am employing this right now with my mom. I am taking a mental health break at the beach while my mom is looking for her credit card, which she lost for the 20th time. I offered help with banking issues, she refused many times. This is the consequence: I am not sacrificing my Sunday morning to call up banks or rifle through her mess.

My sister IS doing a lot and I’m SO grateful. Part of the issue I have with it though, is it’s not good for HER except for the here and now. She definitely agrees with me now but we can’t go back to fix the past.

I have no problem with them staying in their home if they can afford it. They can’t. If your mother and father refused to move and could not afford taxes, HOA, etc, you would not be concerned? I’m expressing frustration at the idea that they all let it get this bad when it never had to. You don’t understand that?

I would help them pay it. Cheaper than rent.

We don’t have that kind of extra cash laying around. And it simply kicks the can down the road. They can’t afford help for my sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your sister is handling it. Stop being a bully.

We are very close and she was. But the reality is, is my father survives, she will be dealing with two frail, incontinent people who cannot dress themselves. My father, before this, couldn’t get himself out of bed unless my sister helped him get up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

So their situation is working for them, albeit money is tight. However you want your parents to have more caregiving than your sister can provide due to her needing to work. Your proposed solution is that they sell a $750k home, move into a rental, and hire someone to care for them.

I'm still not understanding why that puts them in a better financial situation, or how that gets them better care than your sister is providing. And your sister is supporting them financially too?

I didn’t say money is tight. I said they can’t afford their home on their social security checks. Why are you changing my words? Do you want to pay their taxes, home insurance and HOA fees? Their checks don’t even cover their basic needs for God sakes.

Why is it better? Because they will then have (wait for it) about 680K in the bank. Then they won’t be broke, my sister can continue to live with them and help, and if she needs help as they decline, they can afford to hire it. BTW, I got this plan from a certified financial planner who will manage their money. Unless you think you are qualified to do better?

I am confused. Where do you expect them all to live if they sell the house?

They will go through that 680k in no time. Home care is about thirty dollars per hour. Do the math.

I saw above you expect your sister to quit her job?? NOT a good idea. Why should she quit her job ? She needs to have an income. If they need care, she can provide it when not on working hours and you and your brother can discuss paying someone to come in when she is at work. Your sister shouldn’t have to become destitute and unemployed to care for your parents. If eve she wasn’t working, she couldn’t be expected to care for your parents full time twenty four seven. That’s not physically possible and fyi that costs waaaaay more than what she would pay in rent somewhere if she was not living with your parents.

They are almost 90, both extremely frail with heart failure. The money will last until it doesn’t, but according to our financial planner, it will likely outlast them. To be honest, I don’t expect my father to recover from this enough to come home, given his current condition.

Where will they live? Have you heard of rentals? No worries - we have an actual expert helping with that, not some DCUM snarky know it all. Well welcome to my world. You are smugly stating things I have stated - that if they sell, we can now pay to get my sister help. My parents also have the option of assisted living. Right now, living in a paid-off expensive home with no way to pay all the bills is just stupid.

Some of us have been there and done that. By the time they sell and pay all the taxes and fees, there isn't as much as you think to pay for assisted living and other help. Your sister is handling it. Let her deal with it. If you can afford to pay for help, why aren't you now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your sister is handling it. Stop being a bully.

We are very close and she was. But the reality is, is my father survives, she will be dealing with two frail, incontinent people who cannot dress themselves. My father, before this, couldn’t get himself out of bed unless my sister helped him get up.

Exactly, she is dealing with it, not you. The only thing you should be involved with is asking how can I help and actually helping. They aren't going to be able to go into assisted living. If they need 24/7 care, they need a nursing home and that can be $10-15K per person. How long do you think that money will last?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

So their situation is working for them, albeit money is tight. However you want your parents to have more caregiving than your sister can provide due to her needing to work. Your proposed solution is that they sell a $750k home, move into a rental, and hire someone to care for them.

I'm still not understanding why that puts them in a better financial situation, or how that gets them better care than your sister is providing. And your sister is supporting them financially too?

I didn’t say money is tight. I said they can’t afford their home on their social security checks. Why are you changing my words? Do you want to pay their taxes, home insurance and HOA fees? Their checks don’t even cover their basic needs for God sakes.

Why is it better? Because they will then have (wait for it) about 680K in the bank. Then they won’t be broke, my sister can continue to live with them and help, and if she needs help as they decline, they can afford to hire it. BTW, I got this plan from a certified financial planner who will manage their money. Unless you think you are qualified to do better?

Only a bogus financial planner would advise you to sell an appreciating asset to supplement income. What's the commission that certified financial planner would take to facilitate the asset transfers? It sounds like you're being scammed.

An appreciating asset that is often protected in Medicaid eligibility calculations, no less!

OP, I am sorry about the injury but the whole story about the husband and the awning sounds like something my mom, a compulsive people-pleaser, would do. She’d also be mad about it and then also lash out at the wrong people and focus on the wrong takeaways (“wrong” in terms of: does this focus improve the odds of having a better experience the next time?)

You are responsible for not having said no. Saying no is not a crime or an outrage. Just do it; you don’t need anyone’s permission.

It’s actually not as protected as you think. If my father goes into a Medicaid nursing home, Medicaid starts a lien against the house. Did you know that Medicaid can force the sale of a home and take everything but 150K, that’s all they leave for the surviving spouse? Oh, and my father’s social security check goes with him - so they take that as well for his care. How can my mother afford an asset she already can’t afford on one social security check?

Yep, I did the wrong thing fixing the awning. I should have taken it down and told him to go screw, that if he wanted to leave it up, he can come and fix it himself. My bad. The good news is my brother will take it down in Sept on his visit, and store it in its bin in the garage after taking key measurements for me. I can then make a new top on an industrial machine. I tend to like a compromise but everything can’t be a discussion when dealing with irrationality.

Clearly you don't understand medicaid. The remaining spouse CAN remain in the house. Read the rules. Yes, they will put a lien on the house but how cares. The bigger issue is finding a medicaid bed.

[Anonymous]

Is a reverse mortgage an option?