So here we are, as expected - a vent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You absolutely should make your own physical issue the priority. They assume when the sh*T hits the fan we can always just hop to and don't even think we could have our own problems. The only place where I disagree with you is assuming it would be so much easier if they lived closer. You really cannot ask too much of relatives and risk burning bridges and you yourself would easily burn out. I did after enough years.

I completely agree with you advice to others. Draw those boundaries hard and with no guilt especially if you have a family of takers. Besides having my own illness what made it easier for me is the lack of appreciation I got for all the years I sacrificed my sanity, family time, work, etc to be there for emergencies, check on things, etc.

Oh, I agree. I meant that I could help my sister more without putting my own physical health in danger. If they were willing to sell, they’d be sitting on at least 650K, which at their age, would be immensely helpful regarding getting extra help in, assisted living choices, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like there are two separate issues.

One is that your Dad had a bad fall, and that all of his care will fall to your sister. It's sad and hard when our elderly parents fall and need help. It's natural for siblings to split the responsibility. But unfortunately, you can't go right now because you have an injury that prevents flying. So, you'll need to say no, and be grateful to your sister that she's able and willing to be there providing the help. Maybe look into other ways of being helpful, such as researching nursing homes, or helping arrange home help.

The other is that you took on a home renovation chore that was beyond your ability and got injured. You and your husband's disagreement about how to use that particular space might play a role in that. Maybe you should have been more honest about not being able to do it. Maybe he shouldn't have been so insistent on keeping the awning. Your new plan to hire professionals is a good one, if you can afford it.

I'm sorry you got hurt. I could sort of understand if you wanted to scream at yourself, or your husband, or the universe. But I'm not sure why you are wanting to scream at your parents and your sister. This is clearly a recent injury. Unlike yours it was probably not preventable. Your sister being there is what is preventing you from just taking the physical damage of flying which is what many of us would have to do in your case. Given all of that, I think you need to be gracious and not expect them to suddenly have a plan.

I thought I could. I never considered repetition injury. I’ve told my husband that he no longer has a say in things like that if he’s not going to be part of the actual solution.

Both parents were already disabled and frail prior to the fall but my sister was able to still work. This changes that. All three insisted they were fine and were clearly willing to hit a wall before making changes. We are there. I am not expecting them to have a plan. I’m expecting to be able to formulate a plan that’s reasonable for all. Hard to do when dealing with parents who won’t face reality.

I wrote this to tell people that trying to accommodate people is not wise and to encourage them to draw clear boundaries earlier than I did. If my husband divorces me, that will be his choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP! I am in a similar situation right now and I came to the realization that the issue with my problems is me, myself and I. You can’t influence people to do things your way, as you just found out. You need to work with the situation you have at hand. Your sister is doing A LOT! She takes care of your parents in their own home. If you can’t appreciate what physical and emotional labor that is, you are the issue. You should be grateful she is doing this, according to their wishes and in accordance with how they want to live their lives at an old age. Your parents have made the decision that they want to stay in their house for as long as possible. Your mom already told you that and you refuse to accept it. You’re trying to take away their agency - they clearly accept that they might live less long, have an accident etc. and it’s worth it to them as long as they can remain in their current lifestyle. No one has forced you to take on anything. The awning is on you. The guilty feeling is on you. You need to accept that not everything has to go according to your plan. I recently learned this from my previously estranged sister and am employing this right now with my mom. I am taking a mental health break at the beach while my mom is looking for her credit card, which she lost for the 20th time. I offered help with banking issues, she refused many times. This is the consequence: I am not sacrificing my Sunday morning to call up banks or rifle through her mess.

My sister IS doing a lot and I’m SO grateful. Part of the issue I have with it though, is it’s not good for HER except for the here and now. She definitely agrees with me now but we can’t go back to fix the past.

I have no problem with them staying in their home if they can afford it. They can’t. If your mother and father refused to move and could not afford taxes, HOA, etc, you would not be concerned? I’m expressing frustration at the idea that they all let it get this bad when it never had to. You don’t understand that?

[Anonymous]

If you have posted here before, as you said you did, it would make more sense to update the old thread rather than start a new one. I will never understand why people start a new thread to provide updates rather than just updating the old one. We don’t know the context of what you’re talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP! I am in a similar situation right now and I came to the realization that the issue with my problems is me, myself and I. You can’t influence people to do things your way, as you just found out. You need to work with the situation you have at hand. Your sister is doing A LOT! She takes care of your parents in their own home. If you can’t appreciate what physical and emotional labor that is, you are the issue. You should be grateful she is doing this, according to their wishes and in accordance with how they want to live their lives at an old age. Your parents have made the decision that they want to stay in their house for as long as possible. Your mom already told you that and you refuse to accept it. You’re trying to take away their agency - they clearly accept that they might live less long, have an accident etc. and it’s worth it to them as long as they can remain in their current lifestyle. No one has forced you to take on anything. The awning is on you. The guilty feeling is on you. You need to accept that not everything has to go according to your plan. I recently learned this from my previously estranged sister and am employing this right now with my mom. I am taking a mental health break at the beach while my mom is looking for her credit card, which she lost for the 20th time. I offered help with banking issues, she refused many times. This is the consequence: I am not sacrificing my Sunday morning to call up banks or rifle through her mess.

My sister IS doing a lot and I’m SO grateful. Part of the issue I have with it though, is it’s not good for HER except for the here and now. She definitely agrees with me now but we can’t go back to fix the past.

I have no problem with them staying in their home if they can afford it. They can’t. If your mother and father refused to move and could not afford taxes, HOA, etc, you would not be concerned? I’m expressing frustration at the idea that they all let it get this bad when it never had to. You don’t understand that?

DP. No, we don’t understand, because instead of updating the old thread where you explained all of that, you started a new thread. Don’t expect people to remember everything you wrote in your old thread. You should’ve updated the old thread instead.

[Anonymous]

It's you again.

You have a lot of anxiety that makes you chose the wrong course of action and then makes your situation worse. Mostly you suffer from perfectionism and a martyr complex.

It's OK to let other people suffer the consequences of their poor choices. If your sister or parents want your help, you can say no. If they end up in crappy nursing homes, that's fine. Your sister is dealing with a lot, and it would be nice to help her, but you can't. End of story.

You don't need to martyr yourself at home either. Anything cosmetic is not an emergency and no reason to push yourself. Pay someone else to deal with house repairs. Do regular yoga to protect your joints and musculature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s a lot if text. I’m so glad others are able to help.

To Everyone else, if you really want people to advise, make it a short as possible while still giving them the information they need.
Why not say “I hurt myself doing chores” instead of all this. I stoped reading after this….

Anonymous wrote:


was up and down a ladder all day about a month ago hand-sewing an awning that was damaged, because my husband wanted it left up over the screen porch and it looked so bad (think shredded and tattered) that I was ashamed and tried to fix it. Well, the awning still look like crap, though a bit better,

I was going to post the same!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

So their situation is working for them, albeit money is tight. However you want your parents to have more caregiving than your sister can provide due to her needing to work. Your proposed solution is that they sell a $750k home, move into a rental, and hire someone to care for them.

I'm still not understanding why that puts them in a better financial situation, or how that gets them better care than your sister is providing. And your sister is supporting them financially too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It's you again.

You have a lot of anxiety that makes you chose the wrong course of action and then makes your situation worse. Mostly you suffer from perfectionism and a martyr complex.

It's OK to let other people suffer the consequences of their poor choices. If your sister or parents want your help, you can say no. If they end up in crappy nursing homes, that's fine. Your sister is dealing with a lot, and it would be nice to help her, but you can't. End of story.

You don't need to martyr yourself at home either. Anything cosmetic is not an emergency and no reason to push yourself. Pay someone else to deal with house repairs. Do regular yoga to protect your joints and musculature.

I care about my folks and it makes me angry that they have choices they won’t exercise. That’s normal. I agree about paying someone else to do home repairs since my husband is too busy with his hobby. I said that he no longer gets the benefit of ‘let’s talk about what to do’

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

So their situation is working for them, albeit money is tight. However you want your parents to have more caregiving than your sister can provide due to her needing to work. Your proposed solution is that they sell a $750k home, move into a rental, and hire someone to care for them.

I'm still not understanding why that puts them in a better financial situation, or how that gets them better care than your sister is providing. And your sister is supporting them financially too?

I didn’t say money is tight. I said they can’t afford their home on their social security checks. Why are you changing my words? Do you want to pay their taxes, home insurance and HOA fees? Their checks don’t even cover their basic needs for God sakes.

Why is it better? Because they will then have (wait for it) about 680K in the bank. Then they won’t be broke, my sister can continue to live with them and help, and if she needs help as they decline, they can afford to hire it. BTW, I got this plan from a certified financial planner who will manage their money. Unless you think you are qualified to do better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

So their situation is working for them, albeit money is tight. However you want your parents to have more caregiving than your sister can provide due to her needing to work. Your proposed solution is that they sell a $750k home, move into a rental, and hire someone to care for them.

I'm still not understanding why that puts them in a better financial situation, or how that gets them better care than your sister is providing. And your sister is supporting them financially too?

I didn’t say money is tight. I said they can’t afford their home on their social security checks. Why are you changing my words? Do you want to pay their taxes, home insurance and HOA fees? Their checks don’t even cover their basic needs for God sakes.

Why is it better? Because they will then have (wait for it) about 680K in the bank. Then they won’t be broke, my sister can continue to live with them and help, and if she needs help as they decline, they can afford to hire it. BTW, I got this plan from a certified financial planner who will manage their money. Unless you think you are qualified to do better?

I am confused. Where do you expect them all to live if they sell the house?

They will go through that 680k in no time. Home care is about thirty dollars per hour. Do the math.

I saw above you expect your sister to quit her job?? NOT a good idea. Why should she quit her job ? She needs to have an income. If they need care, she can provide it when not on working hours and you and your brother can discuss paying someone to come in when she is at work. Your sister shouldn’t have to become destitute and unemployed to care for your parents. If eve she wasn’t working, she couldn’t be expected to care for your parents full time twenty four seven. That’s not physically possible and fyi that costs waaaaay more than what she would pay in rent somewhere if she was not living with your parents.

[Anonymous]

I think you are being very optimistic about what it would be like if they were to live by you.

Being the primary caregiver, even for someone in assisted living, is emotionally taxing and time consuming. Plus, the average cost is about $50K per year, higher in an area like the DMV. That's before things like medical care, any extra private duty nursing they might need, etc . . . And if they moved in their area, paid rent, and paid for in home care the cost will be higher.
$650K isn't going to last as long as you think.

I think your sister is doing you and then a huge favor, and that keeping the house, so that she can afford to do it, and so that the asset is protected for your mom if your dad needs nursing care is wise. Otherwise, if you sell it, the money will all go to your dad's care, and there won't be anything to help mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

So their situation is working for them, albeit money is tight. However you want your parents to have more caregiving than your sister can provide due to her needing to work. Your proposed solution is that they sell a $750k home, move into a rental, and hire someone to care for them.

I'm still not understanding why that puts them in a better financial situation, or how that gets them better care than your sister is providing. And your sister is supporting them financially too?

I didn’t say money is tight. I said they can’t afford their home on their social security checks. Why are you changing my words? Do you want to pay their taxes, home insurance and HOA fees? Their checks don’t even cover their basic needs for God sakes.

Why is it better? Because they will then have (wait for it) about 680K in the bank. Then they won’t be broke, my sister can continue to live with them and help, and if she needs help as they decline, they can afford to hire it. BTW, I got this plan from a certified financial planner who will manage their money. Unless you think you are qualified to do better?

Your anger isn't serving you. Find a way to cope that doesn't involve lashing out at strangers who you are purportedly asking for advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is helping them in the home they own, why would moving her out and hiring help be better for them? I think you're not appreciating the working solution they have now. You should help them make the situation they are comfortable with more sustainable, rather than trying to change everything around to suit your preferences. You don't need to feel guilt over it, or make excuses.

A) Because my parents have no money left except for social security so they can’t pay their taxes, etc.
B) Because my sister still has to work to supplement the ridiculous living situation which leaves them alone much of the time.

You clearly don’t know what long-term care cost. How about you give me the money for them to have more caregiving? Or you can pay the 15K/month for assisted living for both? Or better yet, you can go live with them to help my sister.

So their situation is working for them, albeit money is tight. However you want your parents to have more caregiving than your sister can provide due to her needing to work. Your proposed solution is that they sell a $750k home, move into a rental, and hire someone to care for them.

I'm still not understanding why that puts them in a better financial situation, or how that gets them better care than your sister is providing. And your sister is supporting them financially too?

I didn’t say money is tight. I said they can’t afford their home on their social security checks. Why are you changing my words? Do you want to pay their taxes, home insurance and HOA fees? Their checks don’t even cover their basic needs for God sakes.

Why is it better? Because they will then have (wait for it) about 680K in the bank. Then they won’t be broke, my sister can continue to live with them and help, and if she needs help as they decline, they can afford to hire it. BTW, I got this plan from a certified financial planner who will manage their money. Unless you think you are qualified to do better?

Only a bogus financial planner would advise you to sell an appreciating asset to supplement income. What's the commission that certified financial planner would take to facilitate the asset transfers? It sounds like you're being scammed.