So here we are, as expected - a vent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those that read this thread, I’m the OP. My father passed quickly and peacefully on Tuesday after a short bout of pneumonia. I was able to speak with him via phone just before he passed. He left my mother with the gift of financial solvency since Medicaid was not needed, as well as the gift of a kind social worker who recognized my mother’s disabilities and set her up with some wonderful services Medicare provides. I still cannot get on a plane - my brother is there. My mother is saddened but mainly feels relieved as her needs had been ignored for a long time. I don’t know if my sister and mother will decide to move East but they sure want to downsize, which will free up cash. My brother asked me to help him by making lists of tasks around the house he should handle so my sister doesn’t have to do it. I plan to go out when I’m allowed, and can handle the obituary, etc, in the East coast papers - they know no one in AZ so no need to place an obit there. I will also organize an online celebration of life since family is scattered.

Turns out I have a severe forward rotation of my hip, to the point where my legs were uneven lengths, which a PT corrected. The pain yesterday was pretty bad as a result, but it’s starting to abate. With some more PT, my hip joint should stay in place. I’m hoping that I can go out as soon as October, which is when they will really need help with the move, etc.

I'm sorry for your father passing but you need to stay out of this. It's shocking the amount of complaining you are doing but you refuse to get on a place and help. Do not bully them into moving. Your mother just lost her husband and now you want to take away her home too.

I cannot get on a plane. Need 6 weeks of PT before I can think about it or I risk permanent damage. After than, I plan to. I'm not going to take their home - the state will. Unfortunately social services showed up at the door - one of the nurses at the hospital called them in after my father got there due to his unkempt state. They feel he was neglected. I don't think it was deliberate; I do think that stubbornness puts people in very bad positions.

Pt isn’t going to fix it if it’s that severe. You need to get on a plane and help with the funeral arrangements and find them an affordable place to live if you are insisting on taking away their housing. And if they move out of state you need to establish residency for you mom which is a lot of work.

[Anonymous]

You can take the train or drive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those that read this thread, I’m the OP. My father passed quickly and peacefully on Tuesday after a short bout of pneumonia. I was able to speak with him via phone just before he passed. He left my mother with the gift of financial solvency since Medicaid was not needed, as well as the gift of a kind social worker who recognized my mother’s disabilities and set her up with some wonderful services Medicare provides. I still cannot get on a plane - my brother is there. My mother is saddened but mainly feels relieved as her needs had been ignored for a long time. I don’t know if my sister and mother will decide to move East but they sure want to downsize, which will free up cash. My brother asked me to help him by making lists of tasks around the house he should handle so my sister doesn’t have to do it. I plan to go out when I’m allowed, and can handle the obituary, etc, in the East coast papers - they know no one in AZ so no need to place an obit there. I will also organize an online celebration of life since family is scattered.

Turns out I have a severe forward rotation of my hip, to the point where my legs were uneven lengths, which a PT corrected. The pain yesterday was pretty bad as a result, but it’s starting to abate. With some more PT, my hip joint should stay in place. I’m hoping that I can go out as soon as October, which is when they will really need help with the move, etc.

I'm sorry for your father passing but you need to stay out of this. It's shocking the amount of complaining you are doing but you refuse to get on a place and help. Do not bully them into moving. Your mother just lost her husband and now you want to take away her home too.

I cannot get on a plane. Need 6 weeks of PT before I can think about it or I risk permanent damage. After than, I plan to. I'm not going to take their home - the state will. Unfortunately social services showed up at the door - one of the nurses at the hospital called them in after my father got there due to his unkempt state. They feel he was neglected. I don't think it was deliberate; I do think that stubbornness puts people in very bad positions.

Pt isn’t going to fix it if it’s that severe. You need to get on a plane and help with the funeral arrangements and find them an affordable place to live if you are insisting on taking away their housing. And if they move out of state you need to establish residency for you mom which is a lot of work.

I have no control over their housing. That's up to my sister and my mother. I simply offered a lot of free places to live to rectify their situation and hoped my sister would see the light.

As for your PT comment, what is your experience in the medical field please? I'd love for you to shed light on my condition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can take the train or drive.

Want to come along?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Reverse mortgage

As stated earlier, for some reason they don't qualify. Probably has to do with credit card debt. Dunno.

This sounds untrue.

it's possible I was lied to. My sister said they were turned down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry for your loss.

But my goodness, I will never understand these posts that are so contemptuous of the sibling who is providing full-time, live-in care for ailing, elderly parents.

At a tremendous cost to them and to their pocketbooks. Now they are about 75K in credit card debt I've discovered - the cost of the old loan that bailed them out and all the new bills rung up. On what? Good question. Would certainly not have happened if changes were made early on like I stated. That's what happens when you run out of money and refuse to downsize. So now they have to. They can stay in the same community, and rent if they'd like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh gosh I’m the PP and just saw that your dad passed. I’m so sorry.

Thank you. The hospital actually notified social services because they were so concerned about how he looked. Sad verification that I was right to be pushing for change.

Your sister is caring for your mom. This is doubtful and they will not get involved.

They just did with my father....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry you are going through this. Dealing with stubborn aging parents is overwhelming. I had to quickly move my parents the summer of 2020; find CCRC near me, deal with their health problems, prep their house, deal with all their crap, pack up, move and sell the house. I found some great people on here that are trained in dealing with seniors and their stuff. It was expensive, but 1-2 days with an expert to help get rid of stuff was so worth it!! Good luck!
https://www.nasmm.org/

Thank you so much. It’s very hard. Expensive is something my husband and I are willing to tackle as long as it helps and does not enable. And this sounds like it will help.

Enable? You cannot be for real. Hire a caregiver so your sister can work and pay the house expenses. They aren’t going to find a cheaper place to live. Be real.

She's getting some caregiving now through her insurance and we've already hired someone who comes in to help. I've been paying credit card bills for my sister for over 4 years now. Just bought the new washer, new TV, have paid for their cable bill and other expenses. They are exceeding in expenses everything we've been paying. How I don't know. I don't have access to the credit cards - only my sister does. She doesn't use her money to pay any house expenses - a bit in food if they are short every once in a while. She never has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those that read this thread, I’m the OP. My father passed quickly and peacefully on Tuesday after a short bout of pneumonia. I was able to speak with him via phone just before he passed. He left my mother with the gift of financial solvency since Medicaid was not needed, as well as the gift of a kind social worker who recognized my mother’s disabilities and set her up with some wonderful services Medicare provides. I still cannot get on a plane - my brother is there. My mother is saddened but mainly feels relieved as her needs had been ignored for a long time. I don’t know if my sister and mother will decide to move East but they sure want to downsize, which will free up cash. My brother asked me to help him by making lists of tasks around the house he should handle so my sister doesn’t have to do it. I plan to go out when I’m allowed, and can handle the obituary, etc, in the East coast papers - they know no one in AZ so no need to place an obit there. I will also organize an online celebration of life since family is scattered.

Turns out I have a severe forward rotation of my hip, to the point where my legs were uneven lengths, which a PT corrected. The pain yesterday was pretty bad as a result, but it’s starting to abate. With some more PT, my hip joint should stay in place. I’m hoping that I can go out as soon as October, which is when they will really need help with the move, etc.

I'm sorry for your father passing but you need to stay out of this. It's shocking the amount of complaining you are doing but you refuse to get on a place and help. Do not bully them into moving. Your mother just lost her husband and now you want to take away her home too.

I cannot get on a plane. Need 6 weeks of PT before I can think about it or I risk permanent damage. After than, I plan to. I'm not going to take their home - the state will. Unfortunately social services showed up at the door - one of the nurses at the hospital called them in after my father got there due to his unkempt state. They feel he was neglected. I don't think it was deliberate; I do think that stubbornness puts people in very bad positions.

Pt isn’t going to fix it if it’s that severe. You need to get on a plane and help with the funeral arrangements and find them an affordable place to live if you are insisting on taking away their housing. And if they move out of state you need to establish residency for you mom which is a lot of work.

I have no control over their housing. That's up to my sister and my mother. I simply offered a lot of free places to live to rectify their situation and hoped my sister would see the light.

As for your PT comment, what is your experience in the medical field please? I'd love for you to shed light on my condition.

Where are you finding free places to live for your mom and sister? No place will be free. They will have to pay rent which will be equal or more than maintaining the house.

So, you feel you need to dictate everything and cannot even help with the funeral or attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh gosh I’m the PP and just saw that your dad passed. I’m so sorry.

Thank you. The hospital actually notified social services because they were so concerned about how he looked. Sad verification that I was right to be pushing for change.

Your sister is caring for your mom. This is doubtful and they will not get involved.

They just did with my father....

I highly doubt it as I begged them to get involved with my MIL and two different states refused as we were handling things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry for your loss.

But my goodness, I will never understand these posts that are so contemptuous of the sibling who is providing full-time, live-in care for ailing, elderly parents.

At a tremendous cost to them and to their pocketbooks. Now they are about 75K in credit card debt I've discovered - the cost of the old loan that bailed them out and all the new bills rung up. On what? Good question. Would certainly not have happened if changes were made early on like I stated. That's what happens when you run out of money and refuse to downsize. So now they have to. They can stay in the same community, and rent if they'd like.

If they have no money, how are they going to rent a place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can take the train or drive.

Want to come along?

Thanks, my Dad is in the ICU so I think that would take priority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m sorry for your loss.

But my goodness, I will never understand these posts that are so contemptuous of the sibling who is providing full-time, live-in care for ailing, elderly parents.

At a tremendous cost to them and to their pocketbooks. Now they are about 75K in credit card debt I've discovered - the cost of the old loan that bailed them out and all the new bills rung up. On what? Good question. Would certainly not have happened if changes were made early on like I stated. That's what happens when you run out of money and refuse to downsize. So now they have to. They can stay in the same community, and rent if they'd like.

If they have no money, how are they going to rent a place?

From you of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh gosh I’m the PP and just saw that your dad passed. I’m so sorry.

Thank you. The hospital actually notified social services because they were so concerned about how he looked. Sad verification that I was right to be pushing for change.

Your sister is caring for your mom. This is doubtful and they will not get involved.

They just did with my father....

I highly doubt it as I begged them to get involved with my MIL and two different states refused as we were handling things.

Sorry that happened to you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those that read this thread, I’m the OP. My father passed quickly and peacefully on Tuesday after a short bout of pneumonia. I was able to speak with him via phone just before he passed. He left my mother with the gift of financial solvency since Medicaid was not needed, as well as the gift of a kind social worker who recognized my mother’s disabilities and set her up with some wonderful services Medicare provides. I still cannot get on a plane - my brother is there. My mother is saddened but mainly feels relieved as her needs had been ignored for a long time. I don’t know if my sister and mother will decide to move East but they sure want to downsize, which will free up cash. My brother asked me to help him by making lists of tasks around the house he should handle so my sister doesn’t have to do it. I plan to go out when I’m allowed, and can handle the obituary, etc, in the East coast papers - they know no one in AZ so no need to place an obit there. I will also organize an online celebration of life since family is scattered.

Turns out I have a severe forward rotation of my hip, to the point where my legs were uneven lengths, which a PT corrected. The pain yesterday was pretty bad as a result, but it’s starting to abate. With some more PT, my hip joint should stay in place. I’m hoping that I can go out as soon as October, which is when they will really need help with the move, etc.

I'm sorry for your father passing but you need to stay out of this. It's shocking the amount of complaining you are doing but you refuse to get on a place and help. Do not bully them into moving. Your mother just lost her husband and now you want to take away her home too.

I cannot get on a plane. Need 6 weeks of PT before I can think about it or I risk permanent damage. After than, I plan to. I'm not going to take their home - the state will. Unfortunately social services showed up at the door - one of the nurses at the hospital called them in after my father got there due to his unkempt state. They feel he was neglected. I don't think it was deliberate; I do think that stubbornness puts people in very bad positions.

Pt isn’t going to fix it if it’s that severe. You need to get on a plane and help with the funeral arrangements and find them an affordable place to live if you are insisting on taking away their housing. And if they move out of state you need to establish residency for you mom which is a lot of work.

I have no control over their housing. That's up to my sister and my mother. I simply offered a lot of free places to live to rectify their situation and hoped my sister would see the light.

As for your PT comment, what is your experience in the medical field please? I'd love for you to shed light on my condition.

Where are you finding free places to live for your mom and sister? No place will be free. They will have to pay rent which will be equal or more than maintaining the house.

So, you feel you need to dictate everything and cannot even help with the funeral or attend.

The house they live in will sell for around $750K. It’s paid off. It’s in great condition. They cannot afford to stay there as the taxes/fees/etc are not affordable anymore. My mother wants to downsize and has for a while (my father stopped her). So my husband and I pay to get them into the rental home in their community and pay until their home sells. When their home sells, we get reimbursed for the past rent (we might not charge them that in the end) and they get to keep the (probably) 680K to 700K after selling expenses, etc. to live on. Investment planner invests it conservatively (there are now 5% CDs for instance) My mother and sister get a nice place to live, nest egg is replenished, my mother gets the help in she needs in the form of an aide and my sister gets some freedom. Sure they have some credit card debt, but with the new nest egg, they can live much better than they are now, which is hand to mouth, overdrafting their checking account, and running up credit card bills. We had offered them our beach place back east to live in because it’s free for them. My husband and I would be happy to pay the utilities, etc. When my aunt passed (we were the mortgager on that house and she never paid us a dime for 20 years), legally, we got the house back. My aunt had let it run down so we offered to fix it up so they could downsize into that. It’s in their community. They refused (well my father would have but my sister and mother said no). So we offered them two free places, one in their community, and one back home near family and both were refused.

There is no funeral. My father and mother made no plans for their demise, sadly. My mother made the decision to cremate my father, which caused its own sh*tstorm in the extended family but it’s my mother’s choice. I’m organizing a celebration of life online since our family is scattered to the four winds across the country. My mother would like the urn interred back east eventually - she did not want to go back east for a funeral either. My husband and I, or course, will be glad to cover those expenses, including buying two plots in the cemetery that my mother has chosen in New England.