So here we are, as expected - a vent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can take the train or drive.

Want to come along?

Thanks, my Dad is in the ICU so I think that would take priority.

I can see why are so angry. God bless

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those that read this thread, I’m the OP. My father passed quickly and peacefully on Tuesday after a short bout of pneumonia. I was able to speak with him via phone just before he passed. He left my mother with the gift of financial solvency since Medicaid was not needed, as well as the gift of a kind social worker who recognized my mother’s disabilities and set her up with some wonderful services Medicare provides. I still cannot get on a plane - my brother is there. My mother is saddened but mainly feels relieved as her needs had been ignored for a long time. I don’t know if my sister and mother will decide to move East but they sure want to downsize, which will free up cash. My brother asked me to help him by making lists of tasks around the house he should handle so my sister doesn’t have to do it. I plan to go out when I’m allowed, and can handle the obituary, etc, in the East coast papers - they know no one in AZ so no need to place an obit there. I will also organize an online celebration of life since family is scattered.

Turns out I have a severe forward rotation of my hip, to the point where my legs were uneven lengths, which a PT corrected. The pain yesterday was pretty bad as a result, but it’s starting to abate. With some more PT, my hip joint should stay in place. I’m hoping that I can go out as soon as October, which is when they will really need help with the move, etc.

I'm sorry for your father passing but you need to stay out of this. It's shocking the amount of complaining you are doing but you refuse to get on a place and help. Do not bully them into moving. Your mother just lost her husband and now you want to take away her home too.

I cannot get on a plane. Need 6 weeks of PT before I can think about it or I risk permanent damage. After than, I plan to. I'm not going to take their home - the state will. Unfortunately social services showed up at the door - one of the nurses at the hospital called them in after my father got there due to his unkempt state. They feel he was neglected. I don't think it was deliberate; I do think that stubbornness puts people in very bad positions.

Pt isn’t going to fix it if it’s that severe. You need to get on a plane and help with the funeral arrangements and find them an affordable place to live if you are insisting on taking away their housing. And if they move out of state you need to establish residency for you mom which is a lot of work.

I have no control over their housing. That's up to my sister and my mother. I simply offered a lot of free places to live to rectify their situation and hoped my sister would see the light.

As for your PT comment, what is your experience in the medical field please? I'd love for you to shed light on my condition.

Where are you finding free places to live for your mom and sister? No place will be free. They will have to pay rent which will be equal or more than maintaining the house.

So, you feel you need to dictate everything and cannot even help with the funeral or attend.

The two free places are places my husband and I own, one in their community (since sold since they turned it down), and one back on the East Coast. Oh, and the large 1100+ square foot walk out basement we have in our home in Virginia that we would have remodeled where necessary to meet their needs. Beautiful space with lots of light, bedroom, bath, family room, and kitchen.

[Anonymous]

Op, very sorry for your loss. is your sister disabled or something? She works, how much does she makes? your mom has social security (and survivor benefit’s possibly) and there’s no mortgage so I’m wondering how the house would be more expensive as upkeep than rent? Obviously there is cc debt but what are they spending on? At a certain point you need to detach; you can’t solve their issues if they don’t want to accept your solutions. The best egg of. C 650k will only generate about 30k a year gross which isn’t a huge chunk . But what’s the plan for your sister after your mom goes? I would weigh assisted living for your mom with your sister making her own way (but not caring for mom); sister and mom
In apartment with sister helping part time with moms care; them staying in current
Home (what care/how much does your mom need now)? There are usually no good choices but hopefully things will calm down a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, very sorry for your loss. is your sister disabled or something? She works, how much does she makes? your mom has social security (and survivor benefit’s possibly) and there’s no mortgage so I’m wondering how the house would be more expensive as upkeep than rent? Obviously there is cc debt but what are they spending on? At a certain point you need to detach; you can’t solve their issues if they don’t want to accept your solutions. The best egg of. C 650k will only generate about 30k a year gross which isn’t a huge chunk . But what’s the plan for your sister after your mom goes? I would weigh assisted living for your mom with your sister making her own way (but not caring for mom); sister and mom
In apartment with sister helping part time with moms care; them staying in current
Home (what care/how much does your mom need now)? There are usually no good choices but hopefully things will calm down a bit.

My sister is not physically disabled but does have OCD which limits her world. She makes around 16K because of these limitations. I don't know how much she contributes to the household. The house is more expensive than rent because social security would not cover taxes, insurance, HOA fees as well as their monthly expenses and the huge debt that they've rung up. By selling the house, they will have about 675K plus social security every month. Social security would cover most of the rent (if not all) and my mother can slowly draw down that invested 675K. She is 88 and not in great health - I'd be surprised if she survives another few years, sadly. So as a ballpark, their current monthly expenses with debt servicing probably exceed 4K and social security income is about 2k. I expect my mother to be wheelchair bound soon and my sister's plan is to simply put her in group care. She thinks MediCARE will pay for it through the hospice program long-term. I have told her that it will not; she insists I'm wrong. I said if she needs long term care and they don't give up the house, they can put her on MediCAID due to lack of money, but MediCAID will put a lien on the house or force the sale to pay for room/board. I had his confirmed by a lawyer. They also said that the social security will go to MediCAID as well for her care. If Medicaid accepts the full amount of social security for room and board, that could work out, but my sister will still have to figure out how to pay for the house expenses on her salary. I think my sister is angling to stay in the house until my mother dies, so she can get a large inheritance because she's scared to 'adult'. It's not fair to my mother - she should be able to use the money to live her last years as she chooses, hence the fighting my sister and I are doing. 30k per year plus my mother's social security will more than cover what they need. The social security would cover the rent in a nice place in their area.

What are they spending on? I suspect some is to make ends meet, but my sister has been known to abuse credit cards due to the OCD. So it's a great question isn't it and one that has gone unanswered. What's the plan for my sister? Well, if she refuses to get help for the OCD, I honestly don't know. If she agrees to address it, we are more than happy to help out. Without her addressing the OCD any help goes into a black hole and we won't be her parents - financially she will bleed us dry. If I had my druthers, I would have loved to have taken on the care of my parents in their old age, hence all we offered. All I heard though is "what would happen to your sister" so they refused to make changes for her sake. That and my father is stubborn, and after his stroke he dug in further and lost his clarity regarding their financial situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, very sorry for your loss. is your sister disabled or something? She works, how much does she makes? your mom has social security (and survivor benefit’s possibly) and there’s no mortgage so I’m wondering how the house would be more expensive as upkeep than rent? Obviously there is cc debt but what are they spending on? At a certain point you need to detach; you can’t solve their issues if they don’t want to accept your solutions. The best egg of. C 650k will only generate about 30k a year gross which isn’t a huge chunk . But what’s the plan for your sister after your mom goes? I would weigh assisted living for your mom with your sister making her own way (but not caring for mom); sister and mom
In apartment with sister helping part time with moms care; them staying in current
Home (what care/how much does your mom need now)? There are usually no good choices but hopefully things will calm down a bit.

My sister is not physically disabled but does have OCD which limits her world. She makes around 16K because of these limitations. I don't know how much she contributes to the household. The house is more expensive than rent because social security would not cover taxes, insurance, HOA fees as well as their monthly expenses and the huge debt that they've rung up. By selling the house, they will have about 675K plus social security every month. Social security would cover most of the rent (if not all) and my mother can slowly draw down that invested 675K. She is 88 and not in great health - I'd be surprised if she survives another few years, sadly. So as a ballpark, their current monthly expenses with debt servicing probably exceed 4K and social security income is about 2k. I expect my mother to be wheelchair bound soon and my sister's plan is to simply put her in group care. She thinks MediCARE will pay for it through the hospice program long-term. I have told her that it will not; she insists I'm wrong. I said if she needs long term care and they don't give up the house, they can put her on MediCAID due to lack of money, but MediCAID will put a lien on the house or force the sale to pay for room/board. I had his confirmed by a lawyer. They also said that the social security will go to MediCAID as well for her care. If Medicaid accepts the full amount of social security for room and board, that could work out, but my sister will still have to figure out how to pay for the house expenses on her salary. I think my sister is angling to stay in the house until my mother dies, so she can get a large inheritance because she's scared to 'adult'. It's not fair to my mother - she should be able to use the money to live her last years as she chooses, hence the fighting my sister and I are doing. 30k per year plus my mother's social security will more than cover what they need. The social security would cover the rent in a nice place in their area.

What are they spending on? I suspect some is to make ends meet, but my sister has been known to abuse credit cards due to the OCD. So it's a great question isn't it and one that has gone unanswered. What's the plan for my sister? Well, if she refuses to get help for the OCD, I honestly don't know. If she agrees to address it, we are more than happy to help out. Without her addressing the OCD any help goes into a black hole and we won't be her parents - financially she will bleed us dry. If I had my druthers, I would have loved to have taken on the care of my parents in their old age, hence all we offered. All I heard though is "what would happen to your sister" so they refused to make changes for her sake. That and my father is stubborn, and after his stroke he dug in further and lost his clarity regarding their financial situation.

OP, you need to do what I did. I said if I wasn’t made POA I would be a child but wholly uninvolved with elder care.

And then I did not intervene. Or visit. Or do anything whatsoever other than call and chat. Legally competent adults can handle themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, very sorry for your loss. is your sister disabled or something? She works, how much does she makes? your mom has social security (and survivor benefit’s possibly) and there’s no mortgage so I’m wondering how the house would be more expensive as upkeep than rent? Obviously there is cc debt but what are they spending on? At a certain point you need to detach; you can’t solve their issues if they don’t want to accept your solutions. The best egg of. C 650k will only generate about 30k a year gross which isn’t a huge chunk . But what’s the plan for your sister after your mom goes? I would weigh assisted living for your mom with your sister making her own way (but not caring for mom); sister and mom
In apartment with sister helping part time with moms care; them staying in current
Home (what care/how much does your mom need now)? There are usually no good choices but hopefully things will calm down a bit.

My sister is not physically disabled but does have OCD which limits her world. She makes around 16K because of these limitations. I don't know how much she contributes to the household. The house is more expensive than rent because social security would not cover taxes, insurance, HOA fees as well as their monthly expenses and the huge debt that they've rung up. By selling the house, they will have about 675K plus social security every month. Social security would cover most of the rent (if not all) and my mother can slowly draw down that invested 675K. She is 88 and not in great health - I'd be surprised if she survives another few years, sadly. So as a ballpark, their current monthly expenses with debt servicing probably exceed 4K and social security income is about 2k. I expect my mother to be wheelchair bound soon and my sister's plan is to simply put her in group care. She thinks MediCARE will pay for it through the hospice program long-term. I have told her that it will not; she insists I'm wrong. I said if she needs long term care and they don't give up the house, they can put her on MediCAID due to lack of money, but MediCAID will put a lien on the house or force the sale to pay for room/board. I had his confirmed by a lawyer. They also said that the social security will go to MediCAID as well for her care. If Medicaid accepts the full amount of social security for room and board, that could work out, but my sister will still have to figure out how to pay for the house expenses on her salary. I think my sister is angling to stay in the house until my mother dies, so she can get a large inheritance because she's scared to 'adult'. It's not fair to my mother - she should be able to use the money to live her last years as she chooses, hence the fighting my sister and I are doing. 30k per year plus my mother's social security will more than cover what they need. The social security would cover the rent in a nice place in their area.

What are they spending on? I suspect some is to make ends meet, but my sister has been known to abuse credit cards due to the OCD. So it's a great question isn't it and one that has gone unanswered. What's the plan for my sister? Well, if she refuses to get help for the OCD, I honestly don't know. If she agrees to address it, we are more than happy to help out. Without her addressing the OCD any help goes into a black hole and we won't be her parents - financially she will bleed us dry. If I had my druthers, I would have loved to have taken on the care of my parents in their old age, hence all we offered. All I heard though is "what would happen to your sister" so they refused to make changes for her sake. That and my father is stubborn, and after his stroke he dug in further and lost his clarity regarding their financial situation.

OP, you need to do what I did. I said if I wasn’t made POA I would be a child but wholly uninvolved with elder care.

And then I did not intervene. Or visit. Or do anything whatsoever other than call and chat. Legally competent adults can handle themselves.

Also, your sister is a bum/moron. Disengage without any guilt whatsoever. She’ll bleed you dry - she makes $16K a year? Again, losers gonna loser but you don’t have to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Update:

Sadly, my father took a turn for the worse and passed a week ago Tuesday. I did get to speak with him, tell him I love him, etc.

Same day he passed, aide/friend that helped my mother accidentally sideswiped her while pulling out and knocked her to the ground. Has set her limited mobility back tenfold and she nearly passed from an infection as a result. On her way back, now in acute rehab. Not sure if she will get mobility back - she was already struggling.

House needs to go on the market - sister is stalling things. Sister apparently has had durable POA since 2020; just found out. The only thing we will help with is to bridge a loan if my mother goes into assisted living, and that will be drawn up legally, contingent on the house being officially listed on the market. I think sister will sell, but intends to rent and still live on my mother’s money from the sale of the house.

Disengaging and done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, very sorry for your loss. is your sister disabled or something? She works, how much does she makes? your mom has social security (and survivor benefit’s possibly) and there’s no mortgage so I’m wondering how the house would be more expensive as upkeep than rent? Obviously there is cc debt but what are they spending on? At a certain point you need to detach; you can’t solve their issues if they don’t want to accept your solutions. The best egg of. C 650k will only generate about 30k a year gross which isn’t a huge chunk . But what’s the plan for your sister after your mom goes? I would weigh assisted living for your mom with your sister making her own way (but not caring for mom); sister and mom
In apartment with sister helping part time with moms care; them staying in current
Home (what care/how much does your mom need now)? There are usually no good choices but hopefully things will calm down a bit.

My sister is not physically disabled but does have OCD which limits her world. She makes around 16K because of these limitations. I don't know how much she contributes to the household. The house is more expensive than rent because social security would not cover taxes, insurance, HOA fees as well as their monthly expenses and the huge debt that they've rung up. By selling the house, they will have about 675K plus social security every month. Social security would cover most of the rent (if not all) and my mother can slowly draw down that invested 675K. She is 88 and not in great health - I'd be surprised if she survives another few years, sadly. So as a ballpark, their current monthly expenses with debt servicing probably exceed 4K and social security income is about 2k. I expect my mother to be wheelchair bound soon and my sister's plan is to simply put her in group care. She thinks MediCARE will pay for it through the hospice program long-term. I have told her that it will not; she insists I'm wrong. I said if she needs long term care and they don't give up the house, they can put her on MediCAID due to lack of money, but MediCAID will put a lien on the house or force the sale to pay for room/board. I had his confirmed by a lawyer. They also said that the social security will go to MediCAID as well for her care. If Medicaid accepts the full amount of social security for room and board, that could work out, but my sister will still have to figure out how to pay for the house expenses on her salary. I think my sister is angling to stay in the house until my mother dies, so she can get a large inheritance because she's scared to 'adult'. It's not fair to my mother - she should be able to use the money to live her last years as she chooses, hence the fighting my sister and I are doing. 30k per year plus my mother's social security will more than cover what they need. The social security would cover the rent in a nice place in their area.

What are they spending on? I suspect some is to make ends meet, but my sister has been known to abuse credit cards due to the OCD. So it's a great question isn't it and one that has gone unanswered. What's the plan for my sister? Well, if she refuses to get help for the OCD, I honestly don't know. If she agrees to address it, we are more than happy to help out. Without her addressing the OCD any help goes into a black hole and we won't be her parents - financially she will bleed us dry. If I had my druthers, I would have loved to have taken on the care of my parents in their old age, hence all we offered. All I heard though is "what would happen to your sister" so they refused to make changes for her sake. That and my father is stubborn, and after his stroke he dug in further and lost his clarity regarding their financial situation.

OP, you need to do what I did. I said if I wasn’t made POA I would be a child but wholly uninvolved with elder care.

And then I did not intervene. Or visit. Or do anything whatsoever other than call and chat. Legally competent adults can handle themselves.

This isn’t elder abuse and sister is handling it. Op refused to fly out to help and will not even go to the funeral. Her plan makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Update:

Sadly, my father took a turn for the worse and passed a week ago Tuesday. I did get to speak with him, tell him I love him, etc.

Same day he passed, aide/friend that helped my mother accidentally sideswiped her while pulling out and knocked her to the ground. Has set her limited mobility back tenfold and she nearly passed from an infection as a result. On her way back, now in acute rehab. Not sure if she will get mobility back - she was already struggling.

House needs to go on the market - sister is stalling things. Sister apparently has had durable POA since 2020; just found out. The only thing we will help with is to bridge a loan if my mother goes into assisted living, and that will be drawn up legally, contingent on the house being officially listed on the market. I think sister will sell, but intends to rent and still live on my mother’s money from the sale of the house.

Disengaging and done.

House does not need to go on the marker. Why aren’t you there for the funeral and helping! Your sister cannot work given all this. On that income she can get reduced property taxes, utility assistance and more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Update:

Sadly, my father took a turn for the worse and passed a week ago Tuesday. I did get to speak with him, tell him I love him, etc.

Same day he passed, aide/friend that helped my mother accidentally sideswiped her while pulling out and knocked her to the ground. Has set her limited mobility back tenfold and she nearly passed from an infection as a result. On her way back, now in acute rehab. Not sure if she will get mobility back - she was already struggling.

House needs to go on the market - sister is stalling things. Sister apparently has had durable POA since 2020; just found out. The only thing we will help with is to bridge a loan if my mother goes into assisted living, and that will be drawn up legally, contingent on the house being officially listed on the market. I think sister will sell, but intends to rent and still live on my mother’s money from the sale of the house.

Disengaging and done.

No one is paying for assisted living.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP.

Do what you can, do what gives you peace and/or closure, do what prioritizes safety and well-being for your mother. Everything else can wait or doesn't really matter.

[Anonymous]

Interesting OP keeps having posts removed when she doesn't like what someone has to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting OP keeps having posts removed when she doesn't like what someone has to say.

How do you know it's OP. I report jerks all the time. If you cannot be decent and have compassion and you just give off insults, then I report. Constructive criticism is welcome, exorcising your demons and acting abusive is not. Now I didn't see the problematic posts here, but usually if it gets removed, it deserved to be removed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Update:

Sadly, my father took a turn for the worse and passed a week ago Tuesday. I did get to speak with him, tell him I love him, etc.

Same day he passed, aide/friend that helped my mother accidentally sideswiped her while pulling out and knocked her to the ground. Has set her limited mobility back tenfold and she nearly passed from an infection as a result. On her way back, now in acute rehab. Not sure if she will get mobility back - she was already struggling.

House needs to go on the market - sister is stalling things. Sister apparently has had durable POA since 2020; just found out. The only thing we will help with is to bridge a loan if my mother goes into assisted living, and that will be drawn up legally, contingent on the house being officially listed on the market. I think sister will sell, but intends to rent and still live on my mother’s money from the sale of the house.

Disengaging and done.

No one is paying for assisted living.

We would bridge until the house is sold. They my mother’s money from the sale of the house should pay. Sister is the wild card

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting OP keeps having posts removed when she doesn't like what someone has to say.

I have had no posts removed.