Anyone else realize how crappy their own mother was once you became a mother yourself?
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Anonymous
No, you don't get to weigh and judge how someone feels about their experiences. This isn’t a competition and what is 'tolerable' for one person is intolerable to another. Those of us who have survived abuse understand this. |
Anonymous
Who are you again? Are you OP? Clearly not because OP wants a closer relationship with her mother. That triggers you because you've decided YOU don't need that in YOUR life with YOUR mother. I don't know your circumstances so I have no idea if you made the right decision, but from what OP has actually stated, her "bio-mom" LOL i.e. her mother isn't so bad that she's better off without her. OP knows as much. That's why she misses her. She said her childhood had "no major trauma." It was generally okay, just not as full of love as she would have wanted. OP, your mom and sister want a closer relationship with you, too. HELLO OP -- THAT'S WHY THEY "CRASH" YOUR VACATION EVERY YEAR. Why the hell else would they do that if not to spend time you???? Get over yourself, dear. Make peace with the fact that you were given a mother you deem to be beneath your caliber. She is your mother nonetheless -- not just your "bio mom" LOL but your actual, one and only mom. She misses you terribly. You miss her. If it weren't so trendy to reject one's "bio family" LOL then you'd all be a lot happier. |
Anonymous
OP never said anything about abuse. In fact she said there was NO ABUSE. She said there was nothing major that happened in her childhood. Why do "those of us who have survived abuse" have to insist there is always abuse, always a good reason to cut off one's family? Bizarre. |
Anonymous
You need to work on reading comprehension. Experiences don't have to rise to the level of abuse to be toxic or unhealthy. Despite how much you like to, you don't get to judge how others are impacted by their experiences or how they should feel about them. |
Anonymous
I am a survivor of horrific childhood abuse that not all my siblings survived. I actually do have a relationship with my mother I know what it's like to have to grieve for the mother I should have had. I also know that the only reason I'm able to have a relationship with my mother is because I have boundaries. She, like OP's mother and sister, don't like those boundaries. The difference is that my mother doesn't violate them as OP's mother and sister do. Perhaps if they were more respectful of them, better relationship would follow. Don't know why you know so little about relationships but I can see there is no point in any further engagement with you. Best wishes. |
Anonymous
+1, another abuse survivor here (physical, verbal, emotional, both parents) and I agree You don’t need a horrific story of abuse to recognize that you didn’t get what you needed from your parents, and you aren’t required to accept whatever treatment your family offers just because your childhood wasn’t “that bad.” Also, sometimes abuse is so normalized that it’s hard for people to name it. It took me a long time to understand that my parents, who hit us, screamed at us, would wake us at 3am yelling at us to do chores or spend weeks giving us the silent treatment or responding to anything we said with sarcasm, we’re abusive. Because it was normal to me, and because when I would sometimes try to discuss my experience with people, they’d say “that’s not a big deal, my parents spanked me” or “so what, everyone’s parents yell sometimes.” I learned not to dismiss when someone talks about aspects of their childhood that didn’t feel right or impact them negatively now, because too often we just ignore or justify very disturbing behavior as “normal” because we are uncomfortable with the idea of holding parents accountable for harmful behavior. |
Anonymous
| I am sorry so many people are being so harsh to OP. I didn’t realize how emotionally manipulative and immature my mom was until my kids were teens, when I found myself purposely avoiding saying and doing things that she would have done. She still tries to manipulate and control us but I’m not that scared and obedient kid anymore, which gets her more angry. I’m sad we are not closer (which she blames me for because I’m not a good “communicator”) but it is what it is. |
Anonymous
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Will the perfect parent please stand up? Because if you can’t, your child should definitely hold you accountable. Your day will come.
If you think your parents could have done better, but just hated you (or whatever), then sure, crucify them. But at least consider how they were most likely neglected and abused, as well. It’s near impossible to break to cycle 100%. |
Anonymous
I don’t think anyone here is “crucifying” their parents. People are being honest about how their parents’ behavior harmed them. That’s okay. My parents were abusive and I of course know their abuse was caused by their own abusive childhoods. I can empathize with what they went through while also understanding they are accountable for their own behavior. That’s actually essential for breaking the cycle, because as I hold them accountable, I also hold myself accountable. If I repeat those behaviors with my own children, they might one day understand that I, too, was abused. But that doesn’t mean they will forgive me for abusing them. Realizing that is really important, and it forces me to do the hard work to break the cycle. Getting mad at people for acknowledging (on an anonymous website no less!) that their parents harmed them, simply because it makes you feel implicated, demonstrates to me that you are struggling a bit with being accountable for your own actions. That’s understandable, but it’s your bear to wrestle with. No one owes you silence about their own lives to make you more comfortable. |
Anonymous
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DP who has experienced both sexual abuse and emotional neglect in family of origin.
Emotional neglect is a form of abuse that is hard to understand or have empathy for if you have never experienced it. It is at least as painful, with at least as enduring negative consequences for the rest of the victim's life, as other forms of abuse. There are parents out there who have never said "I love you" "I care about you" or "You matter to me" to their children. There are parents who don't support their children's interests, dreams, wishes and instead see them as a burden, and eventually little adults or minions to help run the household and other tasks parents do. Children are meant to be used. They are the parents' property to do what they want with. There are children who grow up feeling unloved, alone, and unwanted by the adults they depend on to survive. They may grow up to be successful adults, academic and career-wise, and occasionally even in their personal lives, despite being raised this way. But it doesn't mean that the trauma of their childhood has been dealt with. If you have never experienced emotional neglect, acknowledge this and please stop being dismissive and disrespect with your responses. If you're trolling, shame on you for choosing the most emotionally vulnerable people to prey on. |
Anonymous
+1000 My parents did all of the above and also hit us and screamed at us. But it’s the emotional abuse/neglect that I struggle with most at this point, and that has a million layers I continue to peel back since becoming a parent myself, to discover yet another false belief about myself I need to address in order to parent better. Emotional abuse is devastating, and it’s so often ignored, justified, or denied altogether. Thank you for articulating why it’s so devastating. |
Anonymous
This is how my siblings deal with our abusive childhoods. They yell at me for seeking therapy and trying to heal. "It was the 70's, everyone had a effed up family, get over it". "Why can't you be happy?" and my favorite, "You're effed up!". I'm trying to heal. |
Anonymous
Actually I think some people who experienced emotional neglect BUT never addressed it or broke the cycle, are actually the most dismissive and willing to downplay it. |
Anonymous
Same. My siblings have been among the most resistant to acknowledging the issues in our upbringing. Even as one of them has started to come around, her journey has been so different than mine that we really don’t derive support from each other. Also, something that doesn’t get discussed much on here— sometimes siblings are abusive to each other in abusive families. They get enlisted in abuse by the parents and then enact those behaviors on siblings. One reason my eldest brother is unwilling to acknowledge our parents’ abuse is that he was ver complicit in it. I have empathy for him— he was a minor doing what he was taught. But he did abuse us. |
Anonymous
Many of us who had abusive and or neglectful childhoods have no one (outside of therapists) to talk with. These threads make me feel less alone, although I'm sorry for others' suffering. Many of us aren't supported by our family, who either caused our pain, suffered with us or witnessed our abuse. Those of us who choose to face our abuse get tired of being dismissed or shouted down, which is what you and pp attempted to do. You cannot determine if op was abused. One thing is certain, her family violates her boundaries and that is 100% abusive. |