Reply to Anyone else realize how crappy their own mother was once you became a mother yourself?

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Reply to "Anyone else realize how crappy their own mother was once you became a mother yourself?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You seem really judgmental instead of empathetic towards your mother.[/quote]

If you’ve been on the receiving end of abusive treatment you don’t really owe that person gobs of empathy[/quote]

This doesn't sound abusive --  I grew up in a stable, UMC, 2 parent family with no major dramas

OP needs to go to therapy to work on her ish. Time to stop blaming mama[/quote]

I just reread OP‘s original post, and I don’t see her “blaming mama“ anywhere, in fact, it sounds like she’s made quite a nice life for herself and it’s just thinking about how to not repeat patterns. But it’s normal and healthy when you’ve gotten some distance from an emotionally abusive family dynamic to look at it and say, huh, I’d really like my family to look a little bit different. You don’t have to come from, crazy reportable physical abuse to have that experience. Probably OPs scenario is not so unusual.[/quote]

OP said she wished she had a close loving relationship with her mother. That despite her success, a relationship with her mother is something missing in her life. "The point of my post is that despite turning out "okay" I wish I had a deeper/warmer emotional connection with my mother."

If she wants that, the first step is to love her flawed mother and admit she wants her flawed mother in her life and make peace with the shortcomings of her childhood, not continue criticizing her mother. How does holding a grudge help her have a closer relationship to her mother?

OP, I'm sure you're like this in other relationships as well. Let it go. Admit you want your mom. It's vulnerable to need someone. The only thing strange is that you think that's somehow an insult to you to admit it. Why wouldn't you want your mom in your life? You're a human being. Of course you do.[/quote]

DP.  WTF?  OP misses the "idea of mother".  I don't know what fantasy or toxic world you live in but OP's bio-mom is not going to fulfill OP's desire/need.  She is better off grieving for what she should have had and accept that she's done a great job creating the life she wants and not doing to her kids what was done to her. [/quote]

Who are you again? Are you OP? Clearly not because OP wants a closer relationship with her mother. That triggers you because you've decided YOU don't need that in YOUR life with YOUR mother. I don't know your circumstances so I have no idea if you made the right decision, but from what OP has actually stated, her "bio-mom" LOL i.e. her mother isn't so bad that she's better off without her. OP knows as much. That's why she misses her. She said her childhood had "no major trauma." It was generally okay, just not as full of love as she would have wanted.

OP, your mom and sister want a closer relationship with you, too. HELLO OP -- THAT'S WHY THEY "CRASH" YOUR VACATION EVERY YEAR. Why the hell else would they do that if not to spend time you????

Get over yourself, dear. Make peace with the fact that you were given a mother you deem to be beneath your caliber. She is your mother nonetheless -- not just your "bio mom" LOL but your actual, one and only mom. She misses you terribly. You miss her. If it weren't so trendy to reject one's "bio family" LOL then you'd all be a lot happier.[/quote]

I am a survivor of horrific childhood abuse that not all my siblings survived. I actually do have a relationship with my mother I know what it's like to have to grieve for the mother I should have had.

I also know that the only reason I'm able to have a relationship with my mother is because I have boundaries. She, like OP's mother and sister, don't like those boundaries. The difference is that my mother doesn't violate them as OP's mother and sister do. Perhaps if they were more respectful of them, better relationship would follow.

Don't know why you know so little about relationships but I can see there is no point in any further engagement with you. Best wishes.[/quote]

+1, another abuse survivor here (physical, verbal, emotional, both parents) and I agree

You don’t need a horrific story of abuse to recognize that you didn’t get what you needed from your parents, and you aren’t required to accept whatever treatment your family offers just because your childhood wasn’t “that bad.”

Also, sometimes abuse is so normalized that it’s hard for people to name it. It took me a long time to understand that my parents, who hit us, screamed at us, would wake us at 3am yelling at us to do chores or spend weeks giving us the silent treatment or responding to anything we said with sarcasm, we’re abusive. Because it was normal to me, and because when I would sometimes try to discuss my experience with people, they’d say “that’s not a big deal, my parents spanked me” or “so what, everyone’s parents yell sometimes.” I learned not to dismiss when someone talks about aspects of their childhood that didn’t feel right or impact them negatively now, because [b]too often we just ignore or justify very disturbing behavior as “normal” because we are uncomfortable with the idea of holding parents accountable for harmful behavior.[/b][/quote]

This is how my siblings deal with our abusive childhoods. They yell at me for seeking therapy and trying to heal. "It was the 70's, everyone had a effed up family, get over it". "Why can't you be happy?" and my favorite, "You're effed up!". I'm trying to heal.[/quote]

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