Anyone else realize how crappy their own mother was once you became a mother yourself?

[Anonymous]

On the one hand, I appreciated how much hard work parenting was for my mother, when I had mine especially when DS was an infant and toddler.

On the other hand, once he reached school age and there were different needs, I realized how emotionally neglected I was by both of my parents.

I think it's normal to have all sorts of feelings, conflicted ones etc after you become a parent. No judgement!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I don't think I am explaining myself well.

The point of my post is that despite turning out "okay" I wish I had a deeper/warmer emotional connection with my mother. She was super strict/religious and overreacted about everything when I was growing up so I quickly felt from a very young age that I couldn't really share anything with her and my ticket out was to do well in school. And it's still true - whenever I am with her she immediately reverts back to treating me like a teenager and still takes my younger sister's side in every conflict so my instinct is to just both of them at arms length.

This is all coming to a head now since they are crashing my vacation next week. Again not a real question, just complaining.

Yep, could have written this. My parents still try to deny my agency and I am 50! I grey rock them to give my kids an opportunity to have grandparents, but every moment that goes on is more evidence of what awful parents they were, and still are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry you're getting so much backlash from the privleged, OP. My father was a raging, abusive @$$hole. I never understood why my mother stayed with my father but considered her a victim much like my siblings and I were. Yet, when my younger two kids were about the same age as my first memories of my younger brother and I, I woke up to just how horrific my childhood was and how complicit my mother was in it. It so discombobulated me that I had to go back to counseling. I couldn't/can't understand why she didn't protect us, why she continued to allow us to live in that kind of environment. She was educated, had resources and a supportive family on her side. Hell, even my paternal grandmother supported her!

It's been about 15 years since I had that revelation. I still have a relationship with my mother and she's an excellent grandmother (easier since my father's long dead and her 2nd DH died 10 years ago) but she laments that we're not closer. People can't understand why her kids are so distant with her because, to everyone else, she's an amazing person - and she is, to them. She's lucky any of us have a relationship with her.

I realized that my mother is a narcissist, perhaps with a side of sadism thrown in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, well all of you think so negatively about your moms. It's just part of your culture. It's all the rage to bring up made up trauma, anxiety producing personalities, yadda yadda yadda. Your parents were fine, and you know it. Can't WAIT to see your kids in 25 years. Save us all.

Was it fine when my mom passed out drunk on the sofa every night for years? Or when she told me she wished she had an abortion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, well all of you think so negatively about your moms. It's just part of your culture. It's all the rage to bring up made up trauma, anxiety producing personalities, yadda yadda yadda. Your parents were fine, and you know it. Can't WAIT to see your kids in 25 years. Save us all.

Was it fine when my mom passed out drunk on the sofa every night for years? Or when she told me she wished she had an abortion?

That's not fine. But that's not what OP described. This always happens -- someone describes a fairly tolerable-to-most childhood, says they hate their parents because of it, then someone who was raped by their Uncle with their parents' blessing, or forced to sleep outside under the porch with the dogs, or otherwise SERIOUSLY and undeniably abused comes on and posts about how real abuse is.

Yes, PP, your abuse was real. OP's mistreatment seems up for debate.

[Anonymous]

No, I realized it when I was a teen. My oldest is now 18. I've done a much better job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, well all of you think so negatively about your moms. It's just part of your culture. It's all the rage to bring up made up trauma, anxiety producing personalities, yadda yadda yadda. Your parents were fine, and you know it. Can't WAIT to see your kids in 25 years. Save us all.

Was it fine when my mom passed out drunk on the sofa every night for years? Or when she told me she wished she had an abortion?

That's not fine. But that's not what OP described. This always happens -- someone describes a fairly tolerable-to-most childhood, says they hate their parents because of it, then someone who was raped by their Uncle with their parents' blessing, or forced to sleep outside under the porch with the dogs, or otherwise SERIOUSLY and undeniably abused comes on and posts about how real abuse is.

Yes, PP, your abuse was real. OP's mistreatment seems up for debate.

+1. Why do they always need to threadjack?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem really judgmental instead of empathetic towards your mother.

If you’ve been on the receiving end of abusive treatment you don’t really owe that person gobs of empathy

This doesn't sound abusive -- I grew up in a stable, UMC, 2 parent family with no major dramas

OP needs to go to therapy to work on her ish. Time to stop blaming mama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem really judgmental instead of empathetic towards your mother.

If you’ve been on the receiving end of abusive treatment you don’t really owe that person gobs of empathy

This doesn't sound abusive -- I grew up in a stable, UMC, 2 parent family with no major dramas

OP needs to go to therapy to work on her ish. Time to stop blaming mama

I just reread OP‘s original post, and I don’t see her “blaming mama“ anywhere, in fact, it sounds like she’s made quite a nice life for herself and it’s just thinking about how to not repeat patterns. But it’s normal and healthy when you’ve gotten some distance from an emotionally abusive family dynamic to look at it and say, huh, I’d really like my family to look a little bit different. You don’t have to come from, crazy reportable physical abuse to have that experience. Probably OPs scenario is not so unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem really judgmental instead of empathetic towards your mother.

If you’ve been on the receiving end of abusive treatment you don’t really owe that person gobs of empathy

This doesn't sound abusive -- I grew up in a stable, UMC, 2 parent family with no major dramas

OP needs to go to therapy to work on her ish. Time to stop blaming mama

I just reread OP‘s original post, and I don’t see her “blaming mama“ anywhere, in fact, it sounds like she’s made quite a nice life for herself and it’s just thinking about how to not repeat patterns. But it’s normal and healthy when you’ve gotten some distance from an emotionally abusive family dynamic to look at it and say, huh, I’d really like my family to look a little bit different. You don’t have to come from, crazy reportable physical abuse to have that experience. Probably OPs scenario is not so unusual.

OP said she wished she had a close loving relationship with her mother. That despite her success, a relationship with her mother is something missing in her life. "The point of my post is that despite turning out "okay" I wish I had a deeper/warmer emotional connection with my mother."

If she wants that, the first step is to love her flawed mother and admit she wants her flawed mother in her life and make peace with the shortcomings of her childhood, not continue criticizing her mother. How does holding a grudge help her have a closer relationship to her mother?

OP, I'm sure you're like this in other relationships as well. Let it go. Admit you want your mom. It's vulnerable to need someone. The only thing strange is that you think that's somehow an insult to you to admit it. Why wouldn't you want your mom in your life? You're a human being. Of course you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry you're getting so much backlash from the privleged, OP. My father was a raging, abusive @$$hole. I never understood why my mother stayed with my father but considered her a victim much like my siblings and I were. Yet, when my younger two kids were about the same age as my first memories of my younger brother and I, I woke up to just how horrific my childhood was and how complicit my mother was in it. It so discombobulated me that I had to go back to counseling. I couldn't/can't understand why she didn't protect us, why she continued to allow us to live in that kind of environment. She was educated, had resources and a supportive family on her side. Hell, even my paternal grandmother supported her!

It's been about 15 years since I had that revelation. I still have a relationship with my mother and she's an excellent grandmother (easier since my father's long dead and her 2nd DH died 10 years ago) but she laments that we're not closer. People can't understand why her kids are so distant with her because, to everyone else, she's an amazing person - and she is, to them. She's lucky any of us have a relationship with her.

Do you think you yourself would be the best mother you could be if you were married to a raging, abusive @$$hole?

I'm the PP you're responding to and I'd be interested in learning more about why you posted this. I'm not being snarky, I'm genuinely curious. It seems that you don't think anyone should judge their mothers. Did I get that right?

But, to answer your question, no one has posted that they expected the 'best mother'. I think it's reasonable to expect mothers should 'do no harm' and to 'protect'. In my case, my mother failed at the most basic responsibility. She didn't protect us and allowed/witnessed great harm. This is why when I observed my 2 younger kids interacting that I was triggered. I can't imagine how anyone would refuse to put a stop to it. Why have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You seem really judgmental instead of empathetic towards your mother.

If you’ve been on the receiving end of abusive treatment you don’t really owe that person gobs of empathy

This doesn't sound abusive -- I grew up in a stable, UMC, 2 parent family with no major dramas

OP needs to go to therapy to work on her ish. Time to stop blaming mama

I just reread OP‘s original post, and I don’t see her “blaming mama“ anywhere, in fact, it sounds like she’s made quite a nice life for herself and it’s just thinking about how to not repeat patterns. But it’s normal and healthy when you’ve gotten some distance from an emotionally abusive family dynamic to look at it and say, huh, I’d really like my family to look a little bit different. You don’t have to come from, crazy reportable physical abuse to have that experience. Probably OPs scenario is not so unusual.

OP said she wished she had a close loving relationship with her mother. That despite her success, a relationship with her mother is something missing in her life. "The point of my post is that despite turning out "okay" I wish I had a deeper/warmer emotional connection with my mother."

If she wants that, the first step is to love her flawed mother and admit she wants her flawed mother in her life and make peace with the shortcomings of her childhood, not continue criticizing her mother. How does holding a grudge help her have a closer relationship to her mother?

OP, I'm sure you're like this in other relationships as well. Let it go. Admit you want your mom. It's vulnerable to need someone. The only thing strange is that you think that's somehow an insult to you to admit it. Why wouldn't you want your mom in your life? You're a human being. Of course you do.

DP. WTF? OP misses the "idea of mother". I don't know what fantasy or toxic world you live in but OP's bio-mom is not going to fulfill OP's desire/need. She is better off grieving for what she should have had and accept that she's done a great job creating the life she wants and not doing to her kids what was done to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 2.5 year old a newborn (3mo old) and have only really been able to clearly see what a crappy mom my own mother was. I was confused for so long because I grew up in a stable, UMC, 2 parent family with no major dramas but really zero emotional warmth and connection and just thought that was somewhat normal for everyone for so long.

My dad is wonderful but a workaholic so my younger sister and I were with our mom most of the time who was a SAHM but was just lazy and yelled at us all the time, pitted my sister and I against each other and seemingly always took her side in every conflict. My teenage years were pretty rough but luckily I did really well in high school and was able to go to a top college far away and settled down a plane ride and time zone away. I'm not close with either my mom or sister to this day but see them a few times a year out of a sense of obligation. They get annoyed that I don't want to spend all of my scarce vacation time schlepping halfway across the country to see them so have taken it upon themselves to crashing my vacation (DH and I have started our own little nuclear family tradition of spending a certain week in a certain place and they just happened to book their own house in the same town).

I turned out fine on paper - nice job/husband/kids/house in suburbs etc. Not really a question but I guess I just really find it so tedious to spend time with them and want to make sure I don't repeat this pattern with my kids? Can anyone else commiserate?

With such an imperfect mother one can only marvel at your perfection as a human being and as a mother! You should write a book.

[Anonymous]

OP, ignore all of the negative posters, who are undoubtedly Boomers who realize their own very real failings as parents. Most in their generation were not equipped to emotionally nurture their children, which sounds like it was the case with your mom. I went through something similar to you when I had kids. Eventually I got to a place of acceptance. Hoping you do too, it may just take some time.

[Anonymous]

I’m surprised everyone piled on to OP.

I’m sorry you had a rough childhood.

Sometimes it takes having a family of your own to realize your upbringing wasn’t healthy.

Even if your parents did their best, you can grieve that you didn’t get what you needed or wanted from them.