if you or your spouse cheated- how did you tell the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if you are divorcing because of the affair, there is no reason to tell the children the reasons for the divorce!

That was my plan. Each of my children independently asked me if other parent cheated. I’ve said no because STBX claimed it was only an emotional affair, but there’s certainly circumstantial evidence that suggests it was more than that. Because I was asked repeatedly by each child, I simply said other parent wanted to be free to start dating again. I’ve assured the kids that other parent’s new partner had nothing to do with the demise of our marriage. I just leave out the part about a different person factoring heavily into it.

Why protect the cheater??

Don't you think your kids have a right to know if they "role model" in fact lacks all integrity?

He didn't betray them, he betrayed you. It's not your job to smear the other parent. Just as it isn't his job to say honest things about your relationship too (wouldn't have sex with him, etc). Thise facts are not relevant to the parent-child relationship.

OF COURSE HE BETRAYED HIS CHILDREN TOO. If the family broke up as a result of him having sex outside the marriage, don't kid yourself that his actions did not have cataclysmic consequences for the children.

You are really try to minimize/comparmentalize the damage caused by affairs. They are not confined to the bedroom.

Technically that person decided to leave / break up the marriage over the affair. There is nothing to say that you have to do that. Back in the day no one left over affairs. Really telling the kids is about relieving yourself of guilt over the breakup of their home. It's just not going to be good no matter what the reason is.

I think it's ok to talk in platitudes to kids about what a good relationship looks like, but what lesson is there to learn from this? Don't cheat on someone, sure, but in all likelihood the marriage was over before the affair or this person was a bad apple and yet you couldn't see it. But you expect your kids to learn from it? Yes, be sure to divorce before you have an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you divorce, you tell them when they ask and in an age-appropriate way. They have a right to information about why their family/life changed dramatically.

If you stay together you do not tell them in the same way you don’t tell them about every disagreement you have about your mother- in-law.

No, they do not have the right to that information at all. Whether cheating, financial abuse, emotional abuse, sexlessness...kids do not need dirty details.

They may not need to know the details but they do have the right to know who is at fault.

I’m the PP who says they have a right to know if they ask, and I don’t think it has to do with fault. I think it has to do with children having a right to honesty from their parents about something as monumental as their home breaking up. I think parents should not assign fault— but I think it’s appropriate to say “your mother was having sex with someone else and that wasn’t something I felt comfortable living with” or “your father used a lot of money gambling and I didn’t feel safe about our finances” if that’s the truth.

This. Telling the kids isn’t about fault, it’s about honesty and trust. They should be told in an age appropriate way and without the blame/fault language.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you divorce, you tell them when they ask and in an age-appropriate way. They have a right to information about why their family/life changed dramatically.

If you stay together you do not tell them in the same way you don’t tell them about every disagreement you have about your mother- in-law.

No, they do not have the right to that information at all. Whether cheating, financial abuse, emotional abuse, sexlessness...kids do not need dirty details.

They may not need to know the details but they do have the right to know who is at fault.

I’m the PP who says they have a right to know if they ask, and I don’t think it has to do with fault. I think it has to do with children having a right to honesty from their parents about something as monumental as their home breaking up. I think parents should not assign fault— but I think it’s appropriate to say “your mother was having sex with someone else and that wasn’t something I felt comfortable living with” or “your father used a lot of money gambling and I didn’t feel safe about our finances” if that’s the truth.

This. Telling the kids isn’t about fault, it’s about honesty and trust. They should be told in an age appropriate way and without the blame/fault language.

Knowing who was at fault would have made my decision on who to live with alot easier, But they tried to hide it from me so i just stayed mad at both of them until i found out on my own who caused the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Technically that person decided to leave / break up the marriage over the affair. There is nothing to say that you have to do that. Back in the day no one left over affairs. Really telling the kids is about relieving yourself of guilt over the breakup of their home. It's just not going to be good no matter what the reason is.

I think it's ok to talk in platitudes to kids about what a good relationship looks like, but what lesson is there to learn from this? Don't cheat on someone, sure, but in all likelihood the marriage was over before the affair or this person was a bad apple and yet you couldn't see it. But you expect your kids to learn from it? Yes, be sure to divorce before you have an affair?

The bolded is so much blame-shifting and a DARVO tactic. You are either a cheater or a cheater's apologist. And it's absolutely not true that it's "not going to be good no matter what the reason is." Again, that's what a cheater wants you to believe. But an older child might resent the non-cheating parent when they find out or figure out the truth, or someone else accidentally clues them in. When the cheating parent immediately shows up with the AP, or even if they manage to hide the AP from the kid for a while but then introduces the AP who the kid knew as a co-worker or neighbor or parent of a friend, many kids will suss out the truth themselves. It's not the responsibility of the non-cheating parent to keep secrets for the cheater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if you are divorcing because of the affair, there is no reason to tell the children the reasons for the divorce!

That was my plan. Each of my children independently asked me if other parent cheated. I’ve said no because STBX claimed it was only an emotional affair, but there’s certainly circumstantial evidence that suggests it was more than that. Because I was asked repeatedly by each child, I simply said other parent wanted to be free to start dating again. I’ve assured the kids that other parent’s new partner had nothing to do with the demise of our marriage. I just leave out the part about a different person factoring heavily into it.

Why protect the cheater??

Don't you think your kids have a right to know if they "role model" in fact lacks all integrity?

He didn't betray them, he betrayed you. It's not your job to smear the other parent. Just as it isn't his job to say honest things about your relationship too (wouldn't have sex with him, etc). Thise facts are not relevant to the parent-child relationship.

OF COURSE HE BETRAYED HIS CHILDREN TOO. If the family broke up as a result of him having sex outside the marriage, don't kid yourself that his actions did not have cataclysmic consequences for the children.

You are really try to minimize/comparmentalize the damage caused by affairs. They are not confined to the bedroom.

Technically that person decided to leave / break up the marriage over the affair. There is nothing to say that you have to do that. Back in the day no one left over affairs. Really telling the kids is about relieving yourself of guilt over the breakup of their home. It's just not going to be good no matter what the reason is.

I think it's ok to talk in platitudes to kids about what a good relationship looks like, but what lesson is there to learn from this? [b]Don't cheat on someone, sure, but in all likelihood the marriage was over before the affair or this person was a bad apple and yet you couldn't see it. But you expect your kids to learn from it? Yes, be sure to divorce before you have an affair?

Behave in a way that you’re not ashamed to be honest with your children about.

[Anonymous]

Depends if the marriage is ending as a result or not. If you are going to stay together, probably don’t tell them. If you are divorcing, the kids need to know age appropriate truths about why their lives are imploding. Age appropriate and truthful are both key here. Kids that don’t know about sex shouldn’t be talking about adultery on the part of one of their parents as their first foray into talking about sex. Way too complex. Just keep it simple for little ones, that marriage requires two people to make certain vows and promises to each other, and when one person decides they don’t want to keep those vows or promises, the marriage has to end. Period, full stop.

Older kids can know the truth… keep is simple and don’t allow yourself to be sucked in to bad mouthing the cheater. Simply state that your spouse had an affair, and that means the marriage is over. Remind them that it’s ok for them to still love that parent, that sometimes good people make bad decisions, but that as far as the marriage goes, it has to end.

[Anonymous]

With puppets.

[Anonymous]

Have any of the "pro telling" people on this thread actually told children about affairs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have any of the "pro telling" people on this thread actually told children about affairs?

I'm a child who found out on her own and I would definitely rather have been told. Or had my parents divorce before starting new relationships. Then I wouldn't have to know that my parents are liars and cannot be trusted. And I wouldn't have had to walk in on my mom with a neighbor in our own home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have any of the "pro telling" people on this thread actually told children about affairs?

I'm a child who found out on her own and I would definitely rather have been told. Or had my parents divorce before starting new relationships. Then I wouldn't have to know that my parents are liars and cannot be trusted. And I wouldn't have had to walk in on my mom with a neighbor in our own home.

In the own home is just the worst. What a crap mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have any of the "pro telling" people on this thread actually told children about affairs?

I'm a child who found out on her own and I would definitely rather have been told. Or had my parents divorce before starting new relationships. Then I wouldn't have to know that my parents are liars and cannot be trusted. And I wouldn't have had to walk in on my mom with a neighbor in our own home.

You're including your dad in the liars' camp? Did he know about the affair? If that's the case, then it sounds more like an open marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have any of the "pro telling" people on this thread actually told children about affairs?

I’m not sure I’m pro-telling but I told because one found out.

I think it’s a case by case basis but I’m not pro lying to “protect the children”.

[Anonymous]

I’m a pro telling person and I told my kids. It’s complicated and part of the reason was that my older son knew the affair partner from when she was daddy’s admin assistant, and we used to see them at work events, etc. He did the math and figured it out.

I’ve posted about it in the special concerns forum before, but very long story short, it really messed him up. Once they moved in together and started blending families, he had a huge mental breakdown that led to multiple hospitalizations, and he’s barely on speaking terms with his dad at this point.

On the flip side, we have another child a few years younger who knows the same set of facts who is doing very well. He’s had no issues with the blended family, his relationship with his dad is really strong, and he’s truly thriving.

Ex and I are fine- no drama, coparent effectively, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you divorce, you tell them when they ask and in an age-appropriate way. They have a right to information about why their family/life changed dramatically.

If you stay together you do not tell them in the same way you don’t tell them about every disagreement you have about your mother- in-law.

No, they do not have the right to that information at all. Whether cheating, financial abuse, emotional abuse, sexlessness...kids do not need dirty details.

They may not need to know the details but they do have the right to know who is at fault.

I’m the PP who says they have a right to know if they ask, and I don’t think it has to do with fault. I think it has to do with children having a right to honesty from their parents about something as monumental as their home breaking up. I think parents should not assign fault— but I think it’s appropriate to say “your mother was having sex with someone else and that wasn’t something I felt comfortable living with” or “your father used a lot of money gambling and I didn’t feel safe about our finances” if that’s the truth.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a pro telling person and I told my kids. It’s complicated and part of the reason was that my older son knew the affair partner from when she was daddy’s admin assistant, and we used to see them at work events, etc. He did the math and figured it out.

I’ve posted about it in the special concerns forum before, but very long story short, it really messed him up. Once they moved in together and started blending families, he had a huge mental breakdown that led to multiple hospitalizations, and he’s barely on speaking terms with his dad at this point.

On the flip side, we have another child a few years younger who knows the same set of facts who is doing very well. He’s had no issues with the blended family, his relationship with his dad is really strong, and he’s truly thriving.

Ex and I are fine- no drama, coparent effectively, etc.

I’m so sorry to hear about your older child. I hope he is doing better now.

Cheating is crap. Cheating and staying with the AP is truly next level though. I can’t imagine.