if you or your spouse cheated- how did you tell the kids?

[Anonymous]

If you might stay together, I would refrain.

But if that is the reason for irreconcilable differences, I would tell children aged adolescence or higher.

They need to make sense of what has happened in their lives. Vague references to "growing apart" do not give them the understanding they deserve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never. And I was the betrayed spouse. I don’t buy the kids always know theory. I did not want my sons to be burdened with this info—especially at vulnerable ages (12 and 14 at the time). We were a happy family. Of course, we had disagreements and at discovery there was tension but it was also Covid so there was a lot of different and weird in everyone’s world. Their behaviors then and since don’t offer any insight to them ever knowing and we are very close. They are happy thriving, social and always kept straight As. No signs of distress. And if they wondered what might have caused some tension at the time they seemed so engrossed in their own worlds. Therapist agreed my approach was the correct one for us. We reconciled so I don’t know how I’d feel if it was a case where spouse took off or left to be with an AP because that would be something they would see for themselves and would have been old enough to put two and two together. Everyone is happy, healthy and thriving 3 years later so I will take it my grave. If ever directly asked in the future I wouldn’t deny, but- again I truly don’t think it’s an issue. My first thought was protecting them and maintaining normalcy and given the shock and trauma and anger I think I held it together very well.

Agree with this. Even if "kids always know," that means they know SOMETHING is up. Doesn't mean they have figured out the details, and details matter. When my kids were young, I was the victim of a horrible crime/attack. I was not me. The marriage suffered. I'm sure they "knew" something was up. To this day, we're not telling them the gory details of what happened to their mother. Kids need to feel generally safe about things, and bringing them into details of things that shake the foundations of the family and their life in it is not healthy--it's kinda traumatic. You can say you're going through a tough situation if they ask, but otherwise you're just unloading on the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never. And I was the betrayed spouse. I don’t buy the kids always know theory. I did not want my sons to be burdened with this info—especially at vulnerable ages (12 and 14 at the time). We were a happy family. Of course, we had disagreements and at discovery there was tension but it was also Covid so there was a lot of different and weird in everyone’s world. Their behaviors then and since don’t offer any insight to them ever knowing and we are very close. They are happy thriving, social and always kept straight As. No signs of distress. And if they wondered what might have caused some tension at the time they seemed so engrossed in their own worlds. Therapist agreed my approach was the correct one for us. We reconciled so I don’t know how I’d feel if it was a case where spouse took off or left to be with an AP because that would be something they would see for themselves and would have been old enough to put two and two together. Everyone is happy, healthy and thriving 3 years later so I will take it my grave. If ever directly asked in the future I wouldn’t deny, but- again I truly don’t think it’s an issue. My first thought was protecting them and maintaining normalcy and given the shock and trauma and anger I think I held it together very well.

Agree with this. Even if "kids always know," that means they know SOMETHING is up. Doesn't mean they have figured out the details, and details matter. When my kids were young, I was the victim of a horrible crime/attack. I was not me. The marriage suffered. I'm sure they "knew" something was up. To this day, we're not telling them the gory details of what happened to their mother. Kids need to feel generally safe about things, and bringing them into details of things that shake the foundations of the family and their life in it is not healthy--it's kinda traumatic. You can say you're going through a tough situation if they ask, but otherwise you're just unloading on the kids.

It’s a fine line between protecting the kids and gaslighting them.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't tell them unless you are heading for divorce, If you are going to divorce then they have the right to know who caused it so they can decide if they want to associate with that parent or not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if you are divorcing because of the affair, there is no reason to tell the children the reasons for the divorce!

That was my plan. Each of my children independently asked me if other parent cheated. I’ve said no because STBX claimed it was only an emotional affair, but there’s certainly circumstantial evidence that suggests it was more than that. Because I was asked repeatedly by each child, I simply said other parent wanted to be free to start dating again. I’ve assured the kids that other parent’s new partner had nothing to do with the demise of our marriage. I just leave out the part about a different person factoring heavily into it.

Why protect the cheater??

Don't you think your kids have a right to know if they "role model" in fact lacks all integrity?

He didn't betray them, he betrayed you. It's not your job to smear the other parent. Just as it isn't his job to say honest things about your relationship too (wouldn't have sex with him, etc). Thise facts are not relevant to the parent-child relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never. And I was the betrayed spouse. I don’t buy the kids always know theory. I did not want my sons to be burdened with this info—especially at vulnerable ages (12 and 14 at the time). We were a happy family. Of course, we had disagreements and at discovery there was tension but it was also Covid so there was a lot of different and weird in everyone’s world. Their behaviors then and since don’t offer any insight to them ever knowing and we are very close. They are happy thriving, social and always kept straight As. No signs of distress. And if they wondered what might have caused some tension at the time they seemed so engrossed in their own worlds. Therapist agreed my approach was the correct one for us. We reconciled so I don’t know how I’d feel if it was a case where spouse took off or left to be with an AP because that would be something they would see for themselves and would have been old enough to put two and two together. Everyone is happy, healthy and thriving 3 years later so I will take it my grave. If ever directly asked in the future I wouldn’t deny, but- again I truly don’t think it’s an issue. My first thought was protecting them and maintaining normalcy and given the shock and trauma and anger I think I held it together very well.

Agree with this. Even if "kids always know," that means they know SOMETHING is up. Doesn't mean they have figured out the details, and details matter. When my kids were young, I was the victim of a horrible crime/attack. I was not me. The marriage suffered. I'm sure they "knew" something was up. To this day, we're not telling them the gory details of what happened to their mother. Kids need to feel generally safe about things, and bringing them into details of things that shake the foundations of the family and their life in it is not healthy--it's kinda traumatic. You can say you're going through a tough situation if they ask, but otherwise you're just unloading on the kids.

I feel like there is so much denial is the approach to hide the truth from the kids (not little kids, of course). It is as if the adults are saying, "Hey, my world has been shattered but I want them to still live in the Fairy Tale I thought existed."

Kids could learn from what you survived. They could understand you better (perhaps why you are over protective or why you get sad about certain things). It is a part of their story too.

I have heard therapists say that knowing "something" is wrong is much scarier for kids than actually having a particular to deal with (be it cancer diagnosis, divorce, etc). It teaches them that their parents will let them in on what is happening. They feel secure afterwards, because they are not imagining all the things it can be, waiting for the other shoe to drop, etc. The family stands strong as a team to move past it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if you are divorcing because of the affair, there is no reason to tell the children the reasons for the divorce!

That was my plan. Each of my children independently asked me if other parent cheated. I’ve said no because STBX claimed it was only an emotional affair, but there’s certainly circumstantial evidence that suggests it was more than that. Because I was asked repeatedly by each child, I simply said other parent wanted to be free to start dating again. I’ve assured the kids that other parent’s new partner had nothing to do with the demise of our marriage. I just leave out the part about a different person factoring heavily into it.

Why protect the cheater??

Don't you think your kids have a right to know if they "role model" in fact lacks all integrity?

He didn't betray them, he betrayed you. It's not your job to smear the other parent. Just as it isn't his job to say honest things about your relationship too (wouldn't have sex with him, etc). Thise facts are not relevant to the parent-child relationship.

OF COURSE HE BETRAYED HIS CHILDREN TOO. If the family broke up as a result of him having sex outside the marriage, don't kid yourself that his actions did not have cataclysmic consequences for the children.

You are really try to minimize/comparmentalize the damage caused by affairs. They are not confined to the bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if you are divorcing because of the affair, there is no reason to tell the children the reasons for the divorce!

That was my plan. Each of my children independently asked me if other parent cheated. I’ve said no because STBX claimed it was only an emotional affair, but there’s certainly circumstantial evidence that suggests it was more than that. Because I was asked repeatedly by each child, I simply said other parent wanted to be free to start dating again. I’ve assured the kids that other parent’s new partner had nothing to do with the demise of our marriage. I just leave out the part about a different person factoring heavily into it.

Why protect the cheater??

Don't you think your kids have a right to know if they "role model" in fact lacks all integrity?

He didn't betray them, he betrayed you. It's not your job to smear the other parent. Just as it isn't his job to say honest things about your relationship too (wouldn't have sex with him, etc). Thise facts are not relevant to the parent-child relationship.

Yes he did put his selfishness above the child’s needs.

So yes they betrayed the child and the safety and security of a nuclear family.

[Anonymous]

NP. I’m pretty sure I’ve told this story on DCUM but my DH found out his dad was cheating because other kids had figured it out and they publicly informed him/humiliated him about it in the middle school cafeteria. It was tremendously traumatic and he had a great deal of anger for years at both parents (his father for cheating, his mother for not telling him the truth).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if you are divorcing because of the affair, there is no reason to tell the children the reasons for the divorce!

That was my plan. Each of my children independently asked me if other parent cheated. I’ve said no because STBX claimed it was only an emotional affair, but there’s certainly circumstantial evidence that suggests it was more than that. Because I was asked repeatedly by each child, I simply said other parent wanted to be free to start dating again. I’ve assured the kids that other parent’s new partner had nothing to do with the demise of our marriage. I just leave out the part about a different person factoring heavily into it.

Why protect the cheater??

Don't you think your kids have a right to know if they "role model" in fact lacks all integrity?

He didn't betray them, he betrayed you. It's not your job to smear the other parent. Just as it isn't his job to say honest things about your relationship too (wouldn't have sex with him, etc). Thise facts are not relevant to the parent-child relationship.

He did betray them, as well.

[Anonymous]

My children were young (both elementary school) but I didn't tell them. The older one, now 11 has asked some probing questions, as ex-DH introduced them to AP band moved in with her long before divorce was final. I will not come forward and unnecessarily ruin their image of their father. He is sadly, doing a pretty good job of that himself, as his priorities continued to be skewed.

I have had lots of conversations with my therapist about this - ultimately if one of my children asks point blank if their Dad cheated, I will tell them yes. Having 1 parent who lies is bad enough; to have a child find out both of their parents are liars is devastating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My children were young (both elementary school) but I didn't tell them. The older one, now 11 has asked some probing questions, as ex-DH introduced them to AP band moved in with her long before divorce was final. I will not come forward and unnecessarily ruin their image of their father. He is sadly, doing a pretty good job of that himself, as his priorities continued to be skewed.

I have had lots of conversations with my therapist about this - ultimately if one of my children asks point blank if their Dad cheated, I will tell them yes. Having 1 parent who lies is bad enough; to have a child find out both of their parents are liars is devastating.

This. I am a child in this situation and I absolutely do consider myself to be betrayed. I was devastated to learn that my mother has been lying to all of us (for example about her whereabouts) and a lie is a lie no matter what it's about. I lost respect for her and it will never be the same. I lost my friendships with her AP's children. My father has always been honest with me and I appreciate it. Better only one liar as a parent than two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if you are divorcing because of the affair, there is no reason to tell the children the reasons for the divorce!

That was my plan. Each of my children independently asked me if other parent cheated. I’ve said no because STBX claimed it was only an emotional affair, but there’s certainly circumstantial evidence that suggests it was more than that. Because I was asked repeatedly by each child, I simply said other parent wanted to be free to start dating again. I’ve assured the kids that other parent’s new partner had nothing to do with the demise of our marriage. I just leave out the part about a different person factoring heavily into it.

Why protect the cheater??

Don't you think your kids have a right to know if they "role model" in fact lacks all integrity?

They have an excellent understanding of other parent’s integrity, which is why they repeatedly asked me if other parent cheated, but never asked me if I did. I still live with them and take care of them on a daily basis. Other parent has largely checked out. I don’t need more fodder for them to lose respect for their other parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if you are divorcing because of the affair, there is no reason to tell the children the reasons for the divorce!

That was my plan. Each of my children independently asked me if other parent cheated. I’ve said no because STBX claimed it was only an emotional affair, but there’s certainly circumstantial evidence that suggests it was more than that. Because I was asked repeatedly by each child, I simply said other parent wanted to be free to start dating again. I’ve assured the kids that other parent’s new partner had nothing to do with the demise of our marriage. I just leave out the part about a different person factoring heavily into it.

Why protect the cheater??

Don't you think your kids have a right to know if they "role model" in fact lacks all integrity?

He didn't betray them, he betrayed you. It's not your job to smear the other parent. Just as it isn't his job to say honest things about your relationship too (wouldn't have sex with him, etc). Thise facts are not relevant to the parent-child relationship.

OF COURSE HE BETRAYED HIS CHILDREN TOO. If the family broke up as a result of him having sex outside the marriage, don't kid yourself that his actions did not have cataclysmic consequences for the children.

You are really try to minimize/comparmentalize the damage caused by affairs. They are not confined to the bedroom.

Or feel free to insert "SHE". The three affairs I found about during Covid were all the married women having the affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My children were young (both elementary school) but I didn't tell them. The older one, now 11 has asked some probing questions, as ex-DH introduced them to AP band moved in with her long before divorce was final. I will not come forward and unnecessarily ruin their image of their father. He is sadly, doing a pretty good job of that himself, as his priorities continued to be skewed.

I have had lots of conversations with my therapist about this - ultimately if one of my children asks point blank if their Dad cheated, I will tell them yes. Having 1 parent who lies is bad enough; to have a child find out both of their parents are liars is devastating.

This. I am a child in this situation and I absolutely do consider myself to be betrayed. I was devastated to learn that my mother has been lying to all of us (for example about her whereabouts) and a lie is a lie no matter what it's about. I lost respect for her and it will never be the same. I lost my friendships with her AP's children. My father has always been honest with me and I appreciate it. Better only one liar as a parent than two.

Yeah. It's pretty disgusting for teens to find that out...or what mom's out of town trip was really about.. the one when she missed seeing their game or other part of their life.