if you or your spouse cheated- how did you tell the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was 12. At first, I had no idea why they were separating. My mom cheated my dad years before, had ended the affair when we moved, and continued to be unhappy. She didn't start another affair but did ask for a divorce. I found out about the affair because my father was SO mean during the divorce negotiations, including telling me about mom's affair and saying things like "I guess your mom just doesn't appreciate family life." I am the oldest of my siblings and witnessed a lot more active fights between them than my siblings did.

Frankly, I only lost respect for my dad in that situation. He behaved awfully during the divorce. I understand that he was hurt, but he really went out of his way to make it difficult for my mom. He paid very little in child support, despite her being the primary caregiver and (at the time) SAHM. The schedule he insisted on made it really difficult for her to build a career. I was pretty aware of those dynamics due to being in my tweens/teens when it was all going down. They found age appropriate ways to explain specific things, but I don't think either of my siblings is really aware of the full dynamic because they were too young to put two and two together.

Either way, I know it's a popular answer on this forum that children don't respect the parent who cheats. In my personal experience, children respect the parent who behaves in the most stable way. They care about how things affect them. My father's anger with my mother and inability to not communicate that anger to me, plus their lack of boundaries re me witnessing conflict, really resulted in my not trusting HIM. My mom has been willing to answer any questions I have had about that time in our lives. My father never was, and he has since passed, so the opportunity is gone now.

TL,DR: the most important thing for the kids is how they are treated and how their lives are disrupted. That stability is almost never accomplished by including them in adult problems, even if they are teenagers and technically "old enough to understand."

I don't want to be disrespectful or rude, but I am confused here. He should have paid more child support to the women who cheated on him and asked for a divorce?

She said child support, not alimony.

It’s beyond irritating the way people act as if child support is for the benefit of the parent. Kids get so screwed in divorces.

+100.

[Anonymous]

My teen asked me why we were getting divorced. I don't remember how I phrased the infidelity, but I tried to be brief and factual. The other two kids have never asked, but were probably told at some point by their sibling. The teen who asked has the closest relationship to the cheating parent at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was 12. At first, I had no idea why they were separating. My mom cheated my dad years before, had ended the affair when we moved, and continued to be unhappy. She didn't start another affair but did ask for a divorce. I found out about the affair because my father was SO mean during the divorce negotiations, including telling me about mom's affair and saying things like "I guess your mom just doesn't appreciate family life." I am the oldest of my siblings and witnessed a lot more active fights between them than my siblings did.

Frankly, I only lost respect for my dad in that situation. He behaved awfully during the divorce. I understand that he was hurt, but he really went out of his way to make it difficult for my mom. He paid very little in child support, despite her being the primary caregiver and (at the time) SAHM. The schedule he insisted on made it really difficult for her to build a career.

Good. She had it coming.

Sabotaging a former spouse’s ability to earn a living harms their children. This is not okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was 12. At first, I had no idea why they were separating. My mom cheated my dad years before, had ended the affair when we moved, and continued to be unhappy. She didn't start another affair but did ask for a divorce. I found out about the affair because my father was SO mean during the divorce negotiations, including telling me about mom's affair and saying things like "I guess your mom just doesn't appreciate family life." I am the oldest of my siblings and witnessed a lot more active fights between them than my siblings did.

Frankly, I only lost respect for my dad in that situation. He behaved awfully during the divorce. I understand that he was hurt, but he really went out of his way to make it difficult for my mom. He paid very little in child support, despite her being the primary caregiver and (at the time) SAHM. The schedule he insisted on made it really difficult for her to build a career.

Good. She had it coming.

Sabotaging a former spouse’s ability to earn a living harms their children. This is not okay.

The kids can put that squarely at the feet of their immoral mother.

If she has to live in an apartment instead of a house, so what? They can always go live with him, where they will be better off anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was 12. At first, I had no idea why they were separating. My mom cheated my dad years before, had ended the affair when we moved, and continued to be unhappy. She didn't start another affair but did ask for a divorce. I found out about the affair because my father was SO mean during the divorce negotiations, including telling me about mom's affair and saying things like "I guess your mom just doesn't appreciate family life." I am the oldest of my siblings and witnessed a lot more active fights between them than my siblings did.

Frankly, I only lost respect for my dad in that situation. He behaved awfully during the divorce. I understand that he was hurt, but he really went out of his way to make it difficult for my mom. He paid very little in child support, despite her being the primary caregiver and (at the time) SAHM. The schedule he insisted on made it really difficult for her to build a career.

Good. She had it coming.

So she didn’t work. He earned all the $ AND she was banging dudes behind his back.

Great mom. Great role model.

And your conclusion is that your dad sucks. His bless who ever marries you.

[Anonymous]

^god bless

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was 12. At first, I had no idea why they were separating. My mom cheated my dad years before, had ended the affair when we moved, and continued to be unhappy. She didn't start another affair but did ask for a divorce. I found out about the affair because my father was SO mean during the divorce negotiations, including telling me about mom's affair and saying things like "I guess your mom just doesn't appreciate family life." I am the oldest of my siblings and witnessed a lot more active fights between them than my siblings did.

Frankly, I only lost respect for my dad in that situation. He behaved awfully during the divorce. I understand that he was hurt, but he really went out of his way to make it difficult for my mom. He paid very little in child support, despite her being the primary caregiver and (at the time) SAHM. The schedule he insisted on made it really difficult for her to build a career.

Good. She had it coming.

So she didn’t work. He earned all the $ AND she was banging dudes behind his back.

Great mom. Great role model.

And your conclusion is that your dad sucks. His bless who ever marries you.

Regardless of what her mom did, somebody who makes the kids miserable in a divorce to get back at his wife really, really sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was 12. At first, I had no idea why they were separating. My mom cheated my dad years before, had ended the affair when we moved, and continued to be unhappy. She didn't start another affair but did ask for a divorce. I found out about the affair because my father was SO mean during the divorce negotiations, including telling me about mom's affair and saying things like "I guess your mom just doesn't appreciate family life." I am the oldest of my siblings and witnessed a lot more active fights between them than my siblings did.

Frankly, I only lost respect for my dad in that situation. He behaved awfully during the divorce. I understand that he was hurt, but he really went out of his way to make it difficult for my mom. He paid very little in child support, despite her being the primary caregiver and (at the time) SAHM. The schedule he insisted on made it really difficult for her to build a career.

Good. She had it coming.

So she didn’t work. He earned all the $ AND she was banging dudes behind his back.

Great mom. Great role model.

And your conclusion is that your dad sucks. His bless who ever marries you.

Regardless of what her mom did, somebody who makes the kids miserable in a divorce to get back at his wife really, really sucks.

I’d be upset with both of them. They both suck. Neither thought of the kids’ best interests. Mom with her whoring and dad with his response to it.