if you or your spouse cheated- how did you tell the kids?

[Anonymous]

I agree with many of the posters. Do not tell the kids until they are old enough to understand. I never told my daughter about her dad until it had been 6 years, and she was 17 when she finally asked.

I know one wife that shamed her DM in front of the kids the moment she found out. She also brought in her mother to add to the shaming. At least work through the pain first before unleashing your pain onto the young children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never. And I was the betrayed spouse. I don’t buy the kids always know theory. I did not want my sons to be burdened with this info—especially at vulnerable ages (12 and 14 at the time). We were a happy family. Of course, we had disagreements and at discovery there was tension but it was also Covid so there was a lot of different and weird in everyone’s world. Their behaviors then and since don’t offer any insight to them ever knowing and we are very close. They are happy thriving, social and always kept straight As. No signs of distress. And if they wondered what might have caused some tension at the time they seemed so engrossed in their own worlds. Therapist agreed my approach was the correct one for us. We reconciled so I don’t know how I’d feel if it was a case where spouse took off or left to be with an AP because that would be something they would see for themselves and would have been old enough to put two and two together. Everyone is happy, healthy and thriving 3 years later so I will take it my grave. If ever directly asked in the future I wouldn’t deny, but- again I truly don’t think it’s an issue. My first thought was protecting them and maintaining normalcy and given the shock and trauma and anger I think I held it together very well.

Agree with this. Even if "kids always know," that means they know SOMETHING is up. Doesn't mean they have figured out the details, and details matter. When my kids were young, I was the victim of a horrible crime/attack. I was not me. The marriage suffered. I'm sure they "knew" something was up. To this day, we're not telling them the gory details of what happened to their mother. Kids need to feel generally safe about things, and bringing them into details of things that shake the foundations of the family and their life in it is not healthy--it's kinda traumatic. You can say you're going through a tough situation if they ask, but otherwise you're just unloading on the kids.

I feel like there is so much denial is the approach to hide the truth from the kids (not little kids, of course). It is as if the adults are saying, "Hey, my world has been shattered but I want them to still live in the Fairy Tale I thought existed."

Kids could learn from what you survived. They could understand you better (perhaps why you are over protective or why you get sad about certain things). It is a part of their story too.

I have heard therapists say that knowing "something" is wrong is much scarier for kids than actually having a particular to deal with (be it cancer diagnosis, divorce, etc). It teaches them that their parents will let them in on what is happening. They feel secure afterwards, because they are not imagining all the things it can be, waiting for the other shoe to drop, etc. The family stands strong as a team to move past it.

If there is a divorce or separation they don't need the details, just that they are loved and everything will be ok. If the parents reconcile they certainly don't need to know about an affair. They can know--yes mom and dad had a disagreement or fight or whatever--but they certainly don't need to know a third party was involved. If it is handled well and kids are comforted and they feel safe, there is zero need to burden them with the gory details. My parents had a very happy 52 year marriage--one fight stands out in my mind (my parents really fought) when I was in elementary school. I have no idea what it was ultimately about, but my parents saw my distress comforted me assured me there was no divorce, grown ups just disagreeing--and that was it. I truly don't think anyone cheated. I truly don't, but who knows. I saw a loving couple that loved their kids and I had a very happy childhood.

Of course, if it's obvious and one leaves or it's somebody they know and the gossip chain is going around town or a kid found evidence on a phone or computer, than yes--you certainly don't gaslight.

[Anonymous]

^rarely fought. Not *really

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you update your kids on everything to do with your sex life, every fight you have, etc.?

My husband had an affair when the kids were 3 and 5. Obviously we did not tell them.

My kids are 2 and 4 and DH had an affair. How did you deal with it/were you eventually able to move on to some semblance of normalcy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if you are divorcing because of the affair, there is no reason to tell the children the reasons for the divorce!

Hard disagree.

My children are far too young to know about why I left their dad, but the only reason I left their dad is because he was having unprotected sex with random women he met on Tinder (and possibly escorts) while we were actively TTC. I found out when I was two months pregnant. It destroyed me. I have spent tens of thousands of dollars on divorce and custody matters, and probably will spend tens of thousands more. This is money that in an ideal world would have gone to their college educations, or our retirement. I was on welfare. I was humiliated in court.

My ex does not get to preserve the image - with our kids or with anyone - of being a guy whose marriage “just didn’t work out.” Marriage is a very serious commitment and I actually don’t believe in divorce barring adultery, abuse, or addiction. So I’m not going to tell my kids that “it just didn’t work out.” I don’t want them to think I was casual in my commitment to marriage and I don’t want them thinking it’s okay to leave a marriage because “it just didn’t work out.” They will know that their dad prioritized his own carnal pleasures over the stability and sanctity of our marriage and our family, and put my health at risk in the process.

Kids know anyway. It is absolute delusion to presume that kids buy any of the tidy bullsh** we try to feed them. Knowing the truth will help them understand dynamics, and also what to look out for in themselves and others as they establish their own romantic relationships. Whether articulated or not, kids repeat patterns, and they deserve to know the truth. Just because you don’t acknowledge that a parent is a drunk, for example, doesn’t negate the impact of having a parent who’s a drunk.

I couldn't agree more. I am not casual about marriage either and I want my children to view it the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you update your kids on everything to do with your sex life, every fight you have, etc.?

My husband had an affair when the kids were 3 and 5. Obviously we did not tell them.

My kids are 2 and 4 and DH had an affair. How did you deal with it/were you eventually able to move on to some semblance of normalcy?

I did all the things . . . confided in friends, went to therapy, prioritized self-care, joined the surviving infidelity website. I don't know exactly what your experience has been, but for me it was my husband being so mean and off for a few months. So the discovery and figuring out what was wrong was a relief in a way. I also think he didn't like the double life, as evidenced by how he was binge drinking, secretly going to therapy, etc. So he pretty quickly "woke up." He found a new therapist after DDay and still goes. So maybe those things set us up to experience more normalcy, IDK. You're still you, you're still a mother . . . there's a lot that is still normal about your days. It's just that your marriage is upside down and you are reeling from a trauma, and the person you would normally lean on is the one who inflicted it. Maybe it also depends on the type of infidelity . . . like I could understand a "one thing led to another" affair more easily than some other affair stories. That doesn't mean it was easy to accept it, but it didn't completely change how I viewed my husband like some other things might have. I could still see his humanity.

As for having little kids, it's a blessing in a way. Now that they are teens/tweens, I think it would be a lot harder to hide from them. Back then we could just say "Mommy doesn't feel well."

It's not easy, and you don't have to know what you want to do long term. You just have to breathe and be there for your kids. You'll figure the rest out in time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if you are divorcing because of the affair, there is no reason to tell the children the reasons for the divorce!

Hard disagree.

My children are far too young to know about why I left their dad, but the only reason I left their dad is because he was having unprotected sex with random women he met on Tinder (and possibly escorts) while we were actively TTC. I found out when I was two months pregnant. It destroyed me. I have spent tens of thousands of dollars on divorce and custody matters, and probably will spend tens of thousands more. This is money that in an ideal world would have gone to their college educations, or our retirement. I was on welfare. I was humiliated in court.

My ex does not get to preserve the image - with our kids or with anyone - of being a guy whose marriage “just didn’t work out.” Marriage is a very serious commitment and I actually don’t believe in divorce barring adultery, abuse, or addiction. So I’m not going to tell my kids that “it just didn’t work out.” I don’t want them to think I was casual in my commitment to marriage and I don’t want them thinking it’s okay to leave a marriage because “it just didn’t work out.” They will know that their dad prioritized his own carnal pleasures over the stability and sanctity of our marriage and our family, and put my health at risk in the process.

Kids know anyway. It is absolute delusion to presume that kids buy any of the tidy bullsh** we try to feed them. Knowing the truth will help them understand dynamics, and also what to look out for in themselves and others as they establish their own romantic relationships. Whether articulated or not, kids repeat patterns, and they deserve to know the truth. Just because you don’t acknowledge that a parent is a drunk, for example, doesn’t negate the impact of having a parent who’s a drunk.

+1. My parents tried to keep my mom’s affair from me when they separated. They got back together and I didn’t learn about the cheating until I was an adult. I’ve always felt so betrayed. I hated that my world was turned upside down and no one would tell me why. Not to mention the lesson that children need to learn from it.

[Anonymous]

My kids were five when I found out their dad was cheating. We separated when they were seven. Now they are 11, and they still don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you update your kids on everything to do with your sex life, every fight you have, etc.?

My husband had an affair when the kids were 3 and 5. Obviously we did not tell them.

My kids are 2 and 4 and DH had an affair. How did you deal with it/were you eventually able to move on to some semblance of normalcy?

I did all the things . . . confided in friends, went to therapy, prioritized self-care, joined the surviving infidelity website. I don't know exactly what your experience has been, but for me it was my husband being so mean and off for a few months. So the discovery and figuring out what was wrong was a relief in a way. I also think he didn't like the double life, as evidenced by how he was binge drinking, secretly going to therapy, etc. So he pretty quickly "woke up." He found a new therapist after DDay and still goes. So maybe those things set us up to experience more normalcy, IDK. You're still you, you're still a mother . . . there's a lot that is still normal about your days. It's just that your marriage is upside down and you are reeling from a trauma, and the person you would normally lean on is the one who inflicted it. Maybe it also depends on the type of infidelity . . . like I could understand a "one thing led to another" affair more easily than some other affair stories. That doesn't mean it was easy to accept it, but it didn't completely change how I viewed my husband like some other things might have. I could still see his humanity.

As for having little kids, it's a blessing in a way. Now that they are teens/tweens, I think it would be a lot harder to hide from them. Back then we could just say "Mommy doesn't feel well."

It's not easy, and you don't have to know what you want to do long term. You just have to breathe and be there for your kids. You'll figure the rest out in time.

Pp here. Thank you SO much for your response. Our experience is absolutely identical- DH was mean, short tempered, binge drinking- all seemingly out of nowhere. I was begging him to help me understand so I could help him. I could literally see a weight lifted off him when I found out and I also felt relief knowing I wasn't going crazy. Also read all the book, following SI, both in IC, started MC. Also a one thing led to another affair.

[Anonymous]

If you divorce, you tell them when they ask and in an age-appropriate way. They have a right to information about why their family/life changed dramatically.

If you stay together you do not tell them in the same way you don’t tell them about every disagreement you have about your mother- in-law.

[Anonymous]

You don't tell the kids. WTF is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you divorce, you tell them when they ask and in an age-appropriate way. They have a right to information about why their family/life changed dramatically.

If you stay together you do not tell them in the same way you don’t tell them about every disagreement you have about your mother- in-law.

No, they do not have the right to that information at all. Whether cheating, financial abuse, emotional abuse, sexlessness...kids do not need dirty details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you divorce, you tell them when they ask and in an age-appropriate way. They have a right to information about why their family/life changed dramatically.

If you stay together you do not tell them in the same way you don’t tell them about every disagreement you have about your mother- in-law.

No, they do not have the right to that information at all. Whether cheating, financial abuse, emotional abuse, sexlessness...kids do not need dirty details.

If they ask, they do. Part of rebuilding the trust and security for kids whose lives have been upended is that you don’t lie to them. You can tell them about infidelity in a neutral way, but you don’t lie to your kids if they ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you divorce, you tell them when they ask and in an age-appropriate way. They have a right to information about why their family/life changed dramatically.

If you stay together you do not tell them in the same way you don’t tell them about every disagreement you have about your mother- in-law.

No, they do not have the right to that information at all. Whether cheating, financial abuse, emotional abuse, sexlessness...kids do not need dirty details.

They may not need to know the details but they do have the right to know who is at fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you divorce, you tell them when they ask and in an age-appropriate way. They have a right to information about why their family/life changed dramatically.

If you stay together you do not tell them in the same way you don’t tell them about every disagreement you have about your mother- in-law.

No, they do not have the right to that information at all. Whether cheating, financial abuse, emotional abuse, sexlessness...kids do not need dirty details.

They may not need to know the details but they do have the right to know who is at fault.

I’m the PP who says they have a right to know if they ask, and I don’t think it has to do with fault. I think it has to do with children having a right to honesty from their parents about something as monumental as their home breaking up. I think parents should not assign fault— but I think it’s appropriate to say “your mother was having sex with someone else and that wasn’t something I felt comfortable living with” or “your father used a lot of money gambling and I didn’t feel safe about our finances” if that’s the truth.