if you or your spouse cheated- how did you tell the kids?

[Anonymous]

Never. And I was the betrayed spouse. I don’t buy the kids always know theory. I did not want my sons to be burdened with this info—especially at vulnerable ages (12 and 14 at the time). We were a happy family. Of course, we had disagreements and at discovery there was tension but it was also Covid so there was a lot of different and weird in everyone’s world. Their behaviors then and since don’t offer any insight to them ever knowing and we are very close. They are happy thriving, social and always kept straight As. No signs of distress. And if they wondered what might have caused some tension at the time they seemed so engrossed in their own worlds. Therapist agreed my approach was the correct one for us. We reconciled so I don’t know how I’d feel if it was a case where spouse took off or left to be with an AP because that would be something they would see for themselves and would have been old enough to put two and two together. Everyone is happy, healthy and thriving 3 years later so I will take it my grave. If ever directly asked in the future I wouldn’t deny, but- again I truly don’t think it’s an issue. My first thought was protecting them and maintaining normalcy and given the shock and trauma and anger I think I held it together very well.

[Anonymous]

I had to tell my youngest son because my oldest found out.

I just said, “ your dad has been cheating and is moving to the guest room”.

It was not a good day.

The other option was to make my oldest kept a secret so…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never. And I was the betrayed spouse. I don’t buy the kids always know theory. I did not want my sons to be burdened with this info—especially at vulnerable ages (12 and 14 at the time). We were a happy family. Of course, we had disagreements and at discovery there was tension but it was also Covid so there was a lot of different and weird in everyone’s world. Their behaviors then and since don’t offer any insight to them ever knowing and we are very close. They are happy thriving, social and always kept straight As. No signs of distress. And if they wondered what might have caused some tension at the time they seemed so engrossed in their own worlds. Therapist agreed my approach was the correct one for us. We reconciled so I don’t know how I’d feel if it was a case where spouse took off or left to be with an AP because that would be something they would see for themselves and would have been old enough to put two and two together. Everyone is happy, healthy and thriving 3 years later so I will take it my grave. If ever directly asked in the future I wouldn’t deny, but- again I truly don’t think it’s an issue. My first thought was protecting them and maintaining normalcy and given the shock and trauma and anger I think I held it together very well.

You sound like an amazing mom, PP. Kudos to you and glad things are better.

[Anonymous]

I found out on my own when I was 16. Don't think you can keep it from them-- it only takes one slip-up, and it's very very hard to keep it secret from a suspicious teenager. I don't think kids can always tell, but I do think they sometimes can.

As it happened, I walked in on my mom and her AP when I came home early due to an unexpected soccer cancellation. So there really was no choice but to tell me. I'm not sure I know the whole truth. But it was extremely traumatic for me as a teen because it was abundantly clear from it that my mother had been lying to me about various things. They pressured me to keep it a secret from his kids, one of whom was my close friend. It really sucked. They're still together, and he's a loser, so it sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, this one is easy. You don’t tell them. Next

Have you been a cheater in the past?

This "advice" suggests magical thinking.

Like "I just won't get caught"

I can have my cake and eat it too.

The kids will find out eventually. This is one of many conversations/outcomes that cheaters should imagine, when they follow their lust instead of their marriage vows. Telling all of their relatives in fact.

I would not tell a very young child. But teenage or young adults, they have a right to know why their world is being turned upside down. Why their other parent is a basket case.

Unfortunately, this usually impacts them negatively for life (with regards to trust), but again...the cheater decided that novel sex trumps their kid's future relationships. Oops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found out on my own when I was 16. Don't think you can keep it from them-- it only takes one slip-up, and it's very very hard to keep it secret from a suspicious teenager. I don't think kids can always tell, but I do think they sometimes can.

As it happened, I walked in on my mom and her AP when I came home early due to an unexpected soccer cancellation. So there really was no choice but to tell me. I'm not sure I know the whole truth. But it was extremely traumatic for me as a teen because it was abundantly clear from it that my mother had been lying to me about various things. They pressured me to keep it a secret from his kids, one of whom was my close friend. It really sucked. They're still together, and he's a loser, so it sucks.

This is not the first time I have heard of the "adults" making the child go along with the deception.

Beyond selfish and sick.

If you can't look those you love in the fact and admit your actions, THAT MEANS YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING WRONG.

Just own your lack of integrity and what that does to the love and trust people once had for you.

[Anonymous]

Our kids were teens. They could tell something was wrong.but not because there was any shouting or anyone moving out. I was in deep pain when I found out and dh was fairly shocked at what he had done. One of them came to us and said we can tell something is wrong but we trust you will handle it and assume you will tell us if it is anything we need to know. We assured them that we would, that relationships are complex and that Mom/Dad are getting help. That was enough for them so they could go back to being high school seniors and a seventh grader which is hard enough when you are a kid without adding parent drama. That was 3.5 years ago and we have stayed married. I do think my husband would have told them with me present if we had separated. He would have told them how wrong he was and how terribly he hurt their mother and the family. He offered to do it but we never have gotten there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if you are divorcing because of the affair, there is no reason to tell the children the reasons for the divorce!

That was my plan. Each of my children independently asked me if other parent cheated. I’ve said no because STBX claimed it was only an emotional affair, but there’s certainly circumstantial evidence that suggests it was more than that. Because I was asked repeatedly by each child, I simply said other parent wanted to be free to start dating again. I’ve assured the kids that other parent’s new partner had nothing to do with the demise of our marriage. I just leave out the part about a different person factoring heavily into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even if you are divorcing because of the affair, there is no reason to tell the children the reasons for the divorce!

Hard disagree.

My children are far too young to know about why I left their dad, but the only reason I left their dad is because he was having unprotected sex with random women he met on Tinder (and possibly escorts) while we were actively TTC. I found out when I was two months pregnant. It destroyed me. I have spent tens of thousands of dollars on divorce and custody matters, and probably will spend tens of thousands more. This is money that in an ideal world would have gone to their college educations, or our retirement. I was on welfare. I was humiliated in court.

My ex does not get to preserve the image - with our kids or with anyone - of being a guy whose marriage “just didn’t work out.” Marriage is a very serious commitment and I actually don’t believe in divorce barring adultery, abuse, or addiction. So I’m not going to tell my kids that “it just didn’t work out.” I don’t want them to think I was casual in my commitment to marriage and I don’t want them thinking it’s okay to leave a marriage because “it just didn’t work out.” They will know that their dad prioritized his own carnal pleasures over the stability and sanctity of our marriage and our family, and put my health at risk in the process.

Kids know anyway. It is absolute delusion to presume that kids buy any of the tidy bullsh** we try to feed them. Knowing the truth will help them understand dynamics, and also what to look out for in themselves and others as they establish their own romantic relationships. Whether articulated or not, kids repeat patterns, and they deserve to know the truth. Just because you don’t acknowledge that a parent is a drunk, for example, doesn’t negate the impact of having a parent who’s a drunk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if you are divorcing because of the affair, there is no reason to tell the children the reasons for the divorce!

Hard disagree.

My children are far too young to know about why I left their dad, but the only reason I left their dad is because he was having unprotected sex with random women he met on Tinder (and possibly escorts) while we were actively TTC. I found out when I was two months pregnant. It destroyed me. I have spent tens of thousands of dollars on divorce and custody matters, and probably will spend tens of thousands more. This is money that in an ideal world would have gone to their college educations, or our retirement. I was on welfare. I was humiliated in court.

My ex does not get to preserve the image - with our kids or with anyone - of being a guy whose marriage “just didn’t work out.” Marriage is a very serious commitment and I actually don’t believe in divorce barring adultery, abuse, or addiction. So I’m not going to tell my kids that “it just didn’t work out.” I don’t want them to think I was casual in my commitment to marriage and I don’t want them thinking it’s okay to leave a marriage because “it just didn’t work out.” They will know that their dad prioritized his own carnal pleasures over the stability and sanctity of our marriage and our family, and put my health at risk in the process.

Kids know anyway. It is absolute delusion to presume that kids buy any of the tidy bullsh** we try to feed them. Knowing the truth will help them understand dynamics, and also what to look out for in themselves and others as they establish their own romantic relationships. Whether articulated or not, kids repeat patterns, and they deserve to know the truth. Just because you don’t acknowledge that a parent is a drunk, for example, doesn’t negate the impact of having a parent who’s a drunk.

But why would you tell a toddler? They won't understand at all.

I think there are age appropriate ways of explaining why your marriage ended without discussing unprotected sex and prostitutes.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t have to tell them. They knew her as my friend before their Dad moved in with her. They were high school age and figured it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if you are divorcing because of the affair, there is no reason to tell the children the reasons for the divorce!

Hard disagree.

My children are far too young to know about why I left their dad, but the only reason I left their dad is because he was having unprotected sex with random women he met on Tinder (and possibly escorts) while we were actively TTC. I found out when I was two months pregnant. It destroyed me. I have spent tens of thousands of dollars on divorce and custody matters, and probably will spend tens of thousands more. This is money that in an ideal world would have gone to their college educations, or our retirement. I was on welfare. I was humiliated in court.

My ex does not get to preserve the image - with our kids or with anyone - of being a guy whose marriage “just didn’t work out.” Marriage is a very serious commitment and I actually don’t believe in divorce barring adultery, abuse, or addiction. So I’m not going to tell my kids that “it just didn’t work out.” I don’t want them to think I was casual in my commitment to marriage and I don’t want them thinking it’s okay to leave a marriage because “it just didn’t work out.” They will know that their dad prioritized his own carnal pleasures over the stability and sanctity of our marriage and our family, and put my health at risk in the process.

Kids know anyway. It is absolute delusion to presume that kids buy any of the tidy bullsh** we try to feed them. Knowing the truth will help them understand dynamics, and also what to look out for in themselves and others as they establish their own romantic relationships. Whether articulated or not, kids repeat patterns, and they deserve to know the truth. Just because you don’t acknowledge that a parent is a drunk, for example, doesn’t negate the impact of having a parent who’s a drunk.

But why would you tell a toddler? They won't understand at all.

I think there are age appropriate ways of explaining why your marriage ended without discussing unprotected sex and prostitutes.

Please see the line: “My children are far too young to know why I left their dad.”

I will tell them when they ask, as teenagers (or older).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, this one is easy. You don’t tell them. Next

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even if you are divorcing because of the affair, there is no reason to tell the children the reasons for the divorce!

That was my plan. Each of my children independently asked me if other parent cheated. I’ve said no because STBX claimed it was only an emotional affair, but there’s certainly circumstantial evidence that suggests it was more than that. Because I was asked repeatedly by each child, I simply said other parent wanted to be free to start dating again. I’ve assured the kids that other parent’s new partner had nothing to do with the demise of our marriage. I just leave out the part about a different person factoring heavily into it.

Why protect the cheater??

Don't you think your kids have a right to know if they "role model" in fact lacks all integrity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t have to tell them. They knew her as my friend before their Dad moved in with her. They were high school age and figured it out.

How earth shattering for you all.

I am glad that you rid yourself of someone with your DH's judgement and lack of character.