if you or your spouse cheated- how did you tell the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never. And I was the betrayed spouse. I don’t buy the kids always know theory. I did not want my sons to be burdened with this info—especially at vulnerable ages (12 and 14 at the time). We were a happy family. Of course, we had disagreements and at discovery there was tension but it was also Covid so there was a lot of different and weird in everyone’s world. Their behaviors then and since don’t offer any insight to them ever knowing and we are very close. They are happy thriving, social and always kept straight As. No signs of distress. And if they wondered what might have caused some tension at the time they seemed so engrossed in their own worlds. Therapist agreed my approach was the correct one for us. We reconciled so I don’t know how I’d feel if it was a case where spouse took off or left to be with an AP because that would be something they would see for themselves and would have been old enough to put two and two together. Everyone is happy, healthy and thriving 3 years later so I will take it my grave. If ever directly asked in the future I wouldn’t deny, but- again I truly don’t think it’s an issue. My first thought was protecting them and maintaining normalcy and given the shock and trauma and anger I think I held it together very well.

Agree with this. Even if "kids always know," that means they know SOMETHING is up. Doesn't mean they have figured out the details, and details matter. When my kids were young, I was the victim of a horrible crime/attack. I was not me. The marriage suffered. I'm sure they "knew" something was up. To this day, we're not telling them the gory details of what happened to their mother. Kids need to feel generally safe about things, and bringing them into details of things that shake the foundations of the family and their life in it is not healthy--it's kinda traumatic. You can say you're going through a tough situation if they ask, but otherwise you're just unloading on the kids.

I feel like there is so much denial is the approach to hide the truth from the kids (not little kids, of course). It is as if the adults are saying, "Hey, my world has been shattered but I want them to still live in the Fairy Tale I thought existed."

Kids could learn from what you survived. They could understand you better (perhaps why you are over protective or why you get sad about certain things). It is a part of their story too.

I have heard therapists say that knowing "something" is wrong is much scarier for kids than actually having a particular to deal with (be it cancer diagnosis, divorce, etc). It teaches them that their parents will let them in on what is happening. They feel secure afterwards, because they are not imagining all the things it can be, waiting for the other shoe to drop, etc. The family stands strong as a team to move past it.

Kids could learn many things. They don’t need to learn them until they’re older. There is a time for fairy tales.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never. And I was the betrayed spouse. I don’t buy the kids always know theory. I did not want my sons to be burdened with this info—especially at vulnerable ages (12 and 14 at the time). We were a happy family. Of course, we had disagreements and at discovery there was tension but it was also Covid so there was a lot of different and weird in everyone’s world. Their behaviors then and since don’t offer any insight to them ever knowing and we are very close. They are happy thriving, social and always kept straight As. No signs of distress. And if they wondered what might have caused some tension at the time they seemed so engrossed in their own worlds. Therapist agreed my approach was the correct one for us. We reconciled so I don’t know how I’d feel if it was a case where spouse took off or left to be with an AP because that would be something they would see for themselves and would have been old enough to put two and two together. Everyone is happy, healthy and thriving 3 years later so I will take it my grave. If ever directly asked in the future I wouldn’t deny, but- again I truly don’t think it’s an issue. My first thought was protecting them and maintaining normalcy and given the shock and trauma and anger I think I held it together very well.

Agree with this. Even if "kids always know," that means they know SOMETHING is up. Doesn't mean they have figured out the details, and details matter. When my kids were young, I was the victim of a horrible crime/attack. I was not me. The marriage suffered. I'm sure they "knew" something was up. To this day, we're not telling them the gory details of what happened to their mother. Kids need to feel generally safe about things, and bringing them into details of things that shake the foundations of the family and their life in it is not healthy--it's kinda traumatic. You can say you're going through a tough situation if they ask, but otherwise you're just unloading on the kids.

I feel like there is so much denial is the approach to hide the truth from the kids (not little kids, of course). It is as if the adults are saying, "Hey, my world has been shattered but I want them to still live in the Fairy Tale I thought existed."

Kids could learn from what you survived. They could understand you better (perhaps why you are over protective or why you get sad about certain things). It is a part of their story too.

I have heard therapists say that knowing "something" is wrong is much scarier for kids than actually having a particular to deal with (be it cancer diagnosis, divorce, etc). It teaches them that their parents will let them in on what is happening. They feel secure afterwards, because they are not imagining all the things it can be, waiting for the other shoe to drop, etc. The family stands strong as a team to move past it.

Kids could learn many things. They don’t need to learn them until they’re older. There is a time for fairy tales.

I agree. I wonder if the previous OP has ever been in this situation or whether is it just hypothetical. When you have been cheated on, the last thing you want to do is to dump that garbage toon your young children when they do not understand fully what is going on. They need stability.

[Anonymous]

Some betrayed spouses can't wait to tell their young kids how "bad" the other parent was during the marriage. They say it's *just being honest!1!* but that's total BS -- they want to punish their cheating spouse and will use ANY means, including harming the innocent kids, to do so. It's evil. You're ruining the kids' perception of their parent forever.

Your spouse cheated on YOU, not the kids. If you tell the kids that your DH cheated, be prepared for the DH to tell them that Mommy was a frigid wench who withheld sex for months and made the marriage unbearable. Mommy's unapologetic and vengeful behavior will be proof of her insanity.

Don't dump your marriage/divorce issues on your kids. Just don't. There's no excuse. Keep the kids out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some betrayed spouses can't wait to tell their young kids how "bad" the other parent was during the marriage. They say it's *just being honest!1!* but that's total BS -- they want to punish their cheating spouse and will use ANY means, including harming the innocent kids, to do so. It's evil. You're ruining the kids' perception of their parent forever.

Your spouse cheated on YOU, not the kids. If you tell the kids that your DH cheated, be prepared for the DH to tell them that Mommy was a frigid wench who withheld sex for months and made the marriage unbearable. Mommy's unapologetic and vengeful behavior will be proof of her insanity.

Don't dump your marriage/divorce issues on your kids. Just don't. There's no excuse. Keep the kids out of it.

Cheating on one is cheating on both.

[Anonymous]

Expecting someone you harmed to be complicit in covering up the way in which you harmed them so you can still look good to others is insane. Just think about that logic. If you don’t want your kids to think badly of you, don’t do things that will make them think badly of you. It’s that easy.

Any cheater that is angry at the person who told their kids what they did (ex spouse, aunt, uncle, in law, whoever) is 100% missing the point. Stop focusing on how people find out what you did and start doing the therapy and introspection necessary to figure out how to help those you hurt heal. This isn’t about YOU.

Cheaters aren’t the victims.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Expecting someone you harmed to be complicit in covering up the way in which you harmed them so you can still look good to others is insane. Just think about that logic. If you don’t want your kids to think badly of you, don’t do things that will make them think badly of you. It’s that easy.

Any cheater that is angry at the person who told their kids what they did (ex spouse, aunt, uncle, in law, whoever) is 100% missing the point. Stop focusing on how people find out what you did and start doing the therapy and introspection necessary to figure out how to help those you hurt heal. This isn’t about YOU.

Cheaters aren’t the victims.

+2

Would you lie if your spouse went to prison?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some betrayed spouses can't wait to tell their young kids how "bad" the other parent was during the marriage. They say it's *just being honest!1!* but that's total BS -- they want to punish their cheating spouse and will use ANY means, including harming the innocent kids, to do so. It's evil. You're ruining the kids' perception of their parent forever.

Your spouse cheated on YOU, not the kids. If you tell the kids that your DH cheated, be prepared for the DH to tell them that Mommy was a frigid wench who withheld sex for months and made the marriage unbearable. Mommy's unapologetic and vengeful behavior will be proof of her insanity.

Don't dump your marriage/divorce issues on your kids. Just don't. There's no excuse. Keep the kids out of it.

Bull crap.

And cheating spouses deserve their punishment. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time, cheater.

[Anonymous]

You have to decide how to parent, and that could include talking to your children about dissolution of the marriage. I don’t think the betrayed partners that are talking about their children’s other parent realize that there is two sides to every issue. They may prattle on about the other parent being a cheater. When junior asks the other parent why his parent said other parent was a cheater, other parent will likely describe the marriage in a way that explains why other parent cheated. It would sound something like - your parent and I stopped loving each other years ago. Your parent did not want to be fully involved in the relationship, spent all our money, wasn’t nice to me. When I met hot-new-thing I knew things were finally over.

[Anonymous]

Ok, so I was the kid in this scenario. My dad cheated when I was around 5. They held it together for a few years, then divorced when I was 10 (separated when I was 9).

My mom told me when I was in my mid 20s. I'm actually glad I didn't know earlier. I got to go through my teen years in the ignorant bliss of "we just grew apart"... but by the time I was getting ready to get married, it was helpful to know that was not really how it goes, life is more complicated.

By contrast, my sister knew about the affair from a very young age, middle school or even younger, I'm not really sure. Totally screwed up her relationship with our dad and with boyfriends when she was a teen / 20s. She has never had what I would consider a healthy relationship. FWiW, I've been married almost 25 years and am very happy.

So I guess I'd say that I think my mom did right by holding it from me at a young age, but eventually opening up. It's unfortunate that my sister learned about it so young.

[Anonymous]

My DH cheated on me. I found out two years later when it was over. I wasn’t sure what do at first. He has been working hard on repairing the damage, and I am hopeful. But he knows if this were to end up in divorce, the kids would be told the truth. No reason to tell them now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some betrayed spouses can't wait to tell their young kids how "bad" the other parent was during the marriage. They say it's *just being honest!1!* but that's total BS -- they want to punish their cheating spouse and will use ANY means, including harming the innocent kids, to do so. It's evil. You're ruining the kids' perception of their parent forever.

Your spouse cheated on YOU, not the kids. If you tell the kids that your DH cheated, be prepared for the DH to tell them that Mommy was a frigid wench who withheld sex for months and made the marriage unbearable. Mommy's unapologetic and vengeful behavior will be proof of her insanity.

Don't dump your marriage/divorce issues on your kids. Just don't. There's no excuse. Keep the kids out of it.

And being vengeful isn’t a great parenting look, no doubt. I think most people believe kids should be told in an age-appropriate way, and only if they ask, because whether or not you believe a spouse cheated on the kids, that spouses behavior did result in the breakup of the kids home.

Certainly, if asked, a parent could say in an age-appropriate way “we got divorced because mommy didn’t want to have sex as much as I wanted to have sex” but I’m not sure that paints the parent in a great light either— you’re basically telling the kids they were less important to you than the regularity of intercourse. Saying things like “frigid wench” gets out of being factual and neutral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some betrayed spouses can't wait to tell their young kids how "bad" the other parent was during the marriage. They say it's *just being honest!1!* but that's total BS -- they want to punish their cheating spouse and will use ANY means, including harming the innocent kids, to do so. It's evil. You're ruining the kids' perception of their parent forever.

Your spouse cheated on YOU, not the kids. If you tell the kids that your DH cheated, be prepared for the DH to tell them that Mommy was a frigid wench who withheld sex for months and made the marriage unbearable. Mommy's unapologetic and vengeful behavior will be proof of her insanity.

Don't dump your marriage/divorce issues on your kids. Just don't. There's no excuse. Keep the kids out of it.

Bull crap.

And cheating spouses deserve their punishment. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time, cheater.

Except you are actively harming the kids by telling them details of your relationship. Do you tell your kids about how your sex life is going before your spouse cheated? That would be abusive so don’t tell them after. Do you complain to them about the money daddy spent on video games or the way mommy was sexually harassed at work? Again, no. Just don’t. Y’all sound too immature to have kids.

[Anonymous]

People are so selfish roping kids into adult issues. No wonder suicides are through the roof and so many girls have mental problems. Moms you need to do your job, you have failed your daughters and this thread is a prime example of the selfish me me me thinking that contributed to the downfall of the American teenage girl

[Anonymous]

People keep assuming there was no sex. What about the cheating when there appears to be no cause? It’s an individual problem. When it was a happy marriage with sex, good sex, it’s even more if a mind f@&$k. I didn’t tell my kids because they didn’t see an unhappy marriage. In fact, my kids when talking about a friend whose parents were getting divorced years prior said “you guys would never get divorced” very matter of fact. I’m the poster a few pages back with kids that were 12 and 14 at the time of discovery. It is a secret that is painful to carry, but one I won’t burden my sons with. It really is so unfair to carry this heavy information which I also kept from friends and my family because I did not want to risk it getting back to my kids. People have a hard time keeping salacious news a secret.

But, cheaters that are angry when people find out who they really are do miss the point. I do agree with the view don’t cheat (steal, lie, abuse, etc) if you don’t want people to know you are a cheater (thief, liar, abuser, etc). Your actions should mirror your values. Get therapy. Plenty of people have disagreements or tough times in a marriage and don’t resort to going behind someone’s back and having sex with others. And don’t do this to your spouse or someone else’s spouse and kids. It’s not a game. It causes serious trauma and unbelievable pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People are so selfish roping kids into adult issues. No wonder suicides are through the roof and so many girls have mental problems. Moms you need to do your job, you have failed your daughters and this thread is a prime example of the selfish me me me thinking that contributed to the downfall of the American teenage girl

The cheating/divorce is what causes the mental issues. Cheating mom or dad should realize that. And boys don’t have issues with finding out about cheating- just girls? My neighbor banged countless men and her kids found out. Would we blame dad in this scenario??? Because if mom is getting strange D that doesn’t affect her kids, right ?