Talk to me about dating as a woman who is not “hot”

[Anonymous]

Is the OP serious?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men smash hot women but marry average women.

Woman here. I found the "hot" women from high school and college did not age well. They gained weight. They wrinkled from too much sun. They dress matronly with the weight gain.

I've always been kind of average but seemed to be more attractive in my age group by the late 30's,40's and 50's if that makes sense.

All of those things happen to non-hot women, too. I think there’s just an equalizing that goes on in middle age. It’s not that you got more attractive, it’s that the difference in attractiveness level in the super hot women was greater in youth vs middle age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, random non-hot guy weighing in here. You'll be fine - some guys will rule you on looks, but they were probably out of your league anyway. The rest? You sound like you will pass the first screen for most.

But honestly, they way you describe yourself and the way you respond so some of the posts here makes you sound a bit dull and like you are very averse to change.

You don't have to invent a new personality or dress like a slut and get plastic surgery - but you should be open to doing interesting things and taking a few simple steps to making yourself as attractive as possible.

This. You don’t sound unattractive. You sound boring.

[Anonymous]

The only appearance suggestion I’ll make is accurate or other antibiotics. I suffered for years from break out rosacea. Two months and it was gone. This is not just for dating. It’s for skin health, work, etc.

As for the rest, I wonder if you convey an inflexibility and anticipate somehow that you don’t (want to) measure up and have a kind of negative attitude or are of expectations that close off opportunities. I also wonder what you convey about your sexuality and confidence in yourself. Since you are well groomed and slender yiu really don’t have a lot to physical challenges. But being open to others, having interest, a sense of humor, kindness and a little bit of playfulness is really going to be key to attracting someone. Personality counts.

Fwiw, i am a petite white woman with a pretty but not gorgeous face ,always kept my hair, nails short, hated the fake boob fake lip high maintenance slutty look. But I had confidence in myself (was a dancer so also communicated it physically), and had a lot of interests, highly educated, curious about others and the world and would try new things and was open to dating all Kinds of people. Never had a problem attracting men. When I was younger there were two men in my life at different times who clearly wanted me to be more conventionally feminine—one bought me a pink fluffy sweater and short plaid skirt (this was in my doc Martin days, I tried but felt ridiculous ) and the other f$)k me pumps and the kind of club clothes I would never wear. We broke up quickly mostly due to general incompatibility. Funny thing is my style has softened—hair is no longer a pixie and give me good cashmere v neck or a Rebecca Taylor silk top or a fitted dress and I’ll happily wear it for the right occasion. I suppose I can’t or maybe don’t want to pull off the doc Martin ripped jeans and wife beaters now that I’m a middle aged mom and professional with batwings, not a sinewy disaffected grabs student reading Kaja Silverman on gender

[Anonymous]

Fix the acne, blonde high lights, is you face proportional like nose size forehead etcm

[Anonymous]

OP, I am in the accounting field and dated several women in that profession. Have no idea what has gotten into your head, but my women colleagues seemed to have no issues getting dates, and they are from a wide range of attractiveness. Are you a CPA? Look at CPE conferences or alumni gatherings or friends of colleagues. Early 20s? No doubt there are men who are attracted to you. Are you approachable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to be friends with you so we can do a whole montage scene at Nieman Marcus.

You’ll shake your head and roll your eyes as the saleswoman and I bring you things, walking on sunshine will be playing, next scene shows me and the saleswoman utterly exhausted with defeat on our faces, clothes are piled everywhere; you pull back the curtain; the camera rises up from patent black stilettos, then beautiful legs, then an lbd, passing gorgeous cleavage to finally reveal your incredible face which we can finally now see because you’re not wearing your glasses.

The guy you’ve been pining for finally notices you and you start seeing him, it goes on for a while but you realize that he isn’t what you really wanted and you break up. A month later you realize that it’s me, your friend for 10 years, that you’re really in love with, we finally kiss and realize we’re all we ever needed in this world.

You give all your new clothes and shoes to your hilarious fun slutty roommate, get your new balance walking shoes out of the back of your closet, Apple Watch, flannel shirt and turtleneck are back on your body where they belong. We open a bed and breakfast In Portsmouth NH and live happily ever after.

10/10 would read that book, also watch that movie. Who are we casting in these roles?

She’s gotta be a brunette, Leighton Meester or Nina Dobrev
Him- Liam Hemswoth looks like he could work in accounting.

I’m open to noted but I’m not giving up Final Cut!
I’ll need a driver and one for my assistant.
Raw bar craft services and my personal trainer needs a trailer on set.

Leighton Meester with no makeup could work! And - hear me out - maybe Patti Harrison as the best friend who tries to glam up her plain friend and is secretly in love with her just as she is. (I LOVED Patti Harrison in Together, Together).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think how you dress is fine for the most part, and you seem adamant about not wanting to change your style, which is fine. I do find it interesting that you're shopping at places mostly frequented by women in their late 30s and above. If you enjoy comfortable, outdoorsy clothes, I would suggest branching out to brands like Patagonia and Lululemon, which are still athleisure but more fashionable and popular among women your age.

Also, if you have a beautiful face and a fit body, men would still be drawn to you in spite of your understated style. But if you're average-looking, you would have to put in more effort to get male attention. Again, it depends on how much attention you actually want.

Agree with Patagonia. Also Columbia. I’m a huge REI fan and their membership has paid for itself for me in free returns.

There’s a difference between “pretty”/femme presenting and “polished”. Think about how you can polish up your appearance with the same style — is your hair usually air dry? Try a straightener or a curler to smooth it out, but keep the style you like (I’m getting “outdoorsy”). Try a fashion vest over the turtleneck (I got one from REI - slightly fitted but keeps me nice and cozy). Think about where you like the loose jeans - they start to look polished if they’re on the crisper side, a color other than medium wash denim, and belted. A belt can elevate an outfit from “teenager” to “working professional” Tuck in the shirt and and you’re getting towards 2022 fashion trends.

Also thoughts on boots? Not fashion booties, but something like Sorel or Merril that has a solid black or brown above the ankle boot. That will also kick an outfit up a polish level.

OP here. I love blundstones but the price is steep imo. Am considering them.

Heh I love my Blundstones but I'm not sure that wearing them improves your hotness in any way that would matter to the opposite sex. I think other women would notice them and think you're either fashionable or practical - I don't think men are paying attention to the brand of your flat practical booties.

To my mind they are worth the price, that said. They really are comfortable, versatile boots.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to be friends with you so we can do a whole montage scene at Nieman Marcus.

You’ll shake your head and roll your eyes as the saleswoman and I bring you things, walking on sunshine will be playing, next scene shows me and the saleswoman utterly exhausted with defeat on our faces, clothes are piled everywhere; you pull back the curtain; the camera rises up from patent black stilettos, then beautiful legs, then an lbd, passing gorgeous cleavage to finally reveal your incredible face which we can finally now see because you’re not wearing your glasses.

The guy you’ve been pining for finally notices you and you start seeing him, it goes on for a while but you realize that he isn’t what you really wanted and you break up. A month later you realize that it’s me, your friend for 10 years, that you’re really in love with, we finally kiss and realize we’re all we ever needed in this world.

You give all your new clothes and shoes to your hilarious fun slutty roommate, get your new balance walking shoes out of the back of your closet, Apple Watch, flannel shirt and turtleneck are back on your body where they belong. We open a bed and breakfast In Portsmouth NH and live happily ever after.

10/10 would read that book, also watch that movie. Who are we casting in these roles?

She’s gotta be a brunette, Leighton Meester or Nina Dobrev
Him- Liam Hemswoth looks like he could work in accounting.

I’m open to noted but I’m not giving up Final Cut!
I’ll need a driver and one for my assistant.
Raw bar craft services and my personal trainer needs a trailer on set.

Leighton Meester with no makeup could work! And - hear me out - maybe Patti Harrison as the best friend who tries to glam up her plain friend and is secretly in love with her just as she is. (I LOVED Patti Harrison in Together, Together).

I have no idea on the casting, but this is seriously a movie that needs to be made!

OP, as an anecdote since my style (outdoorsy, comfortable) is similar to how yours sounds: in my twenties I had a couple friends who had fun dressing me up to go out to bars and parties. They did my hair, makeup, clothes. I got asked out on a bunch of dates by guys I met dressed up that way. Guess what? None of those dates panned out. Either the guys were shallow and attracted just because of my "looks" and I wasn't interested in their personalities, or if we went out a few times, I eventually would just be myself and they seemed to lose interest. The attention was fun for a short while, since I had been used to being invisible, but ultimately I found that clubs like a hiking club and classes like rock climbing were where I found guys who had similar interests and appreciated a low maintenance date, eventually girlfriend, and with the one lucky one, spouse.

Work with a dermatologist on the acne. Work on your self esteem. Develop interests. Consider taking a class so you have something interesting going on since most non accountants will think that accounting is a boring topic of conversation. Read the newspaper. Stop thinking about dating and just focus on being around good people having fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to be friends with you so we can do a whole montage scene at Nieman Marcus.

You’ll shake your head and roll your eyes as the saleswoman and I bring you things, walking on sunshine will be playing, next scene shows me and the saleswoman utterly exhausted with defeat on our faces, clothes are piled everywhere; you pull back the curtain; the camera rises up from patent black stilettos, then beautiful legs, then an lbd, passing gorgeous cleavage to finally reveal your incredible face which we can finally now see because you’re not wearing your glasses.

The guy you’ve been pining for finally notices you and you start seeing him, it goes on for a while but you realize that he isn’t what you really wanted and you break up. A month later you realize that it’s me, your friend for 10 years, that you’re really in love with, we finally kiss and realize we’re all we ever needed in this world.

You give all your new clothes and shoes to your hilarious fun slutty roommate, get your new balance walking shoes out of the back of your closet, Apple Watch, flannel shirt and turtleneck are back on your body where they belong. We open a bed and breakfast In Portsmouth NH and live happily ever after.

10/10 would read that book, also watch that movie. Who are we casting in these roles?

She’s gotta be a brunette, Leighton Meester or Nina Dobrev
Him- Liam Hemswoth looks like he could work in accounting.

I’m open to noted but I’m not giving up Final Cut!
I’ll need a driver and one for my assistant.
Raw bar craft services and my personal trainer needs a trailer on set.

Leighton Meester with no makeup could work! And - hear me out - maybe Patti Harrison as the best friend who tries to glam up her plain friend and is secretly in love with her just as she is. (I LOVED Patti Harrison in Together, Together).

Leighton Meester is too old to play an early 20-something woman. Now it would be Daisy Edgar Jones. Your frame of reference is 15 years late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to be friends with you so we can do a whole montage scene at Nieman Marcus.

You’ll shake your head and roll your eyes as the saleswoman and I bring you things, walking on sunshine will be playing, next scene shows me and the saleswoman utterly exhausted with defeat on our faces, clothes are piled everywhere; you pull back the curtain; the camera rises up from patent black stilettos, then beautiful legs, then an lbd, passing gorgeous cleavage to finally reveal your incredible face which we can finally now see because you’re not wearing your glasses.

The guy you’ve been pining for finally notices you and you start seeing him, it goes on for a while but you realize that he isn’t what you really wanted and you break up. A month later you realize that it’s me, your friend for 10 years, that you’re really in love with, we finally kiss and realize we’re all we ever needed in this world.

You give all your new clothes and shoes to your hilarious fun slutty roommate, get your new balance walking shoes out of the back of your closet, Apple Watch, flannel shirt and turtleneck are back on your body where they belong. We open a bed and breakfast In Portsmouth NH and live happily ever after.

10/10 would read that book, also watch that movie. Who are we casting in these roles?

She’s gotta be a brunette, Leighton Meester or Nina Dobrev
Him- Liam Hemswoth looks like he could work in accounting.

I’m open to noted but I’m not giving up Final Cut!
I’ll need a driver and one for my assistant.
Raw bar craft services and my personal trainer needs a trailer on set.

Leighton Meester with no makeup could work! And - hear me out - maybe Patti Harrison as the best friend who tries to glam up her plain friend and is secretly in love with her just as she is. (I LOVED Patti Harrison in Together, Together).

Leighton Meester is too old to play an early 20-something woman. Now it would be Daisy Edgar Jones. Your frame of reference is 15 years late.

Agree that Leighton is too old now, but she’s always struck me as “girl next door” looking. Not necessarily in a bad way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think how you dress is fine for the most part, and you seem adamant about not wanting to change your style, which is fine. I do find it interesting that you're shopping at places mostly frequented by women in their late 30s and above. If you enjoy comfortable, outdoorsy clothes, I would suggest branching out to brands like Patagonia and Lululemon, which are still athleisure but more fashionable and popular among women your age.

Also, if you have a beautiful face and a fit body, men would still be drawn to you in spite of your understated style. But if you're average-looking, you would have to put in more effort to get male attention. Again, it depends on how much attention you actually want.

Agree with Patagonia. Also Columbia. I’m a huge REI fan and their membership has paid for itself for me in free returns.

There’s a difference between “pretty”/femme presenting and “polished”. Think about how you can polish up your appearance with the same style — is your hair usually air dry? Try a straightener or a curler to smooth it out, but keep the style you like (I’m getting “outdoorsy”). Try a fashion vest over the turtleneck (I got one from REI - slightly fitted but keeps me nice and cozy). Think about where you like the loose jeans - they start to look polished if they’re on the crisper side, a color other than medium wash denim, and belted. A belt can elevate an outfit from “teenager” to “working professional” Tuck in the shirt and and you’re getting towards 2022 fashion trends.

Also thoughts on boots? Not fashion booties, but something like Sorel or Merril that has a solid black or brown above the ankle boot. That will also kick an outfit up a polish level.

OP here. I love blundstones but the price is steep imo. Am considering them.

Heh I love my Blundstones but I'm not sure that wearing them improves your hotness in any way that would matter to the opposite sex. I think other women would notice them and think you're either fashionable or practical - I don't think men are paying attention to the brand of your flat practical booties.

To my mind they are worth the price, that said. They really are comfortable, versatile boots.

+1 I love my Blundstones too, but I do think you have to be intentional about wearing them with certain items to make them look stylish and not dumpy.

OP, not sure what kind of input you’re looking for here? If you want reassurance that you don’t have to change, then yes, lots of plain women date and do fine. If you want advice on how to be more attractive to men while still being yourself, then focus on acne and get a good haircut that needs minimal styling, make sure your clothes is at least not actively unflattering.

Far worse than being unattractive or unstylish is being socially awkward or boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think how you dress is fine for the most part, and you seem adamant about not wanting to change your style, which is fine. I do find it interesting that you're shopping at places mostly frequented by women in their late 30s and above. If you enjoy comfortable, outdoorsy clothes, I would suggest branching out to brands like Patagonia and Lululemon, which are still athleisure but more fashionable and popular among women your age.

Also, if you have a beautiful face and a fit body, men would still be drawn to you in spite of your understated style. But if you're average-looking, you would have to put in more effort to get male attention. Again, it depends on how much attention you actually want.

Agree with Patagonia. Also Columbia. I’m a huge REI fan and their membership has paid for itself for me in free returns.

There’s a difference between “pretty”/femme presenting and “polished”. Think about how you can polish up your appearance with the same style — is your hair usually air dry? Try a straightener or a curler to smooth it out, but keep the style you like (I’m getting “outdoorsy”). Try a fashion vest over the turtleneck (I got one from REI - slightly fitted but keeps me nice and cozy). Think about where you like the loose jeans - they start to look polished if they’re on the crisper side, a color other than medium wash denim, and belted. A belt can elevate an outfit from “teenager” to “working professional” Tuck in the shirt and and you’re getting towards 2022 fashion trends.

Also thoughts on boots? Not fashion booties, but something like Sorel or Merril that has a solid black or brown above the ankle boot. That will also kick an outfit up a polish level.

OP here. I love blundstones but the price is steep imo. Am considering them.

Heh I love my Blundstones but I'm not sure that wearing them improves your hotness in any way that would matter to the opposite sex. I think other women would notice them and think you're either fashionable or practical - I don't think men are paying attention to the brand of your flat practical booties.

To my mind they are worth the price, that said. They really are comfortable, versatile boots.

+1 I love my Blundstones too, but I do think you have to be intentional about wearing them with certain items to make them look stylish and not dumpy.

OP, not sure what kind of input you’re looking for here? If you want reassurance that you don’t have to change, then yes, lots of plain women date and do fine. If you want advice on how to be more attractive to men while still being yourself, then focus on acne and get a good haircut that needs minimal styling, make sure your clothes is at least not actively unflattering.

Far worse than being unattractive or unstylish is being socially awkward or boring.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to be friends with you so we can do a whole montage scene at Nieman Marcus.

You’ll shake your head and roll your eyes as the saleswoman and I bring you things, walking on sunshine will be playing, next scene shows me and the saleswoman utterly exhausted with defeat on our faces, clothes are piled everywhere; you pull back the curtain; the camera rises up from patent black stilettos, then beautiful legs, then an lbd, passing gorgeous cleavage to finally reveal your incredible face which we can finally now see because you’re not wearing your glasses.

The guy you’ve been pining for finally notices you and you start seeing him, it goes on for a while but you realize that he isn’t what you really wanted and you break up. A month later you realize that it’s me, your friend for 10 years, that you’re really in love with, we finally kiss and realize we’re all we ever needed in this world.

You give all your new clothes and shoes to your hilarious fun slutty roommate, get your new balance walking shoes out of the back of your closet, Apple Watch, flannel shirt and turtleneck are back on your body where they belong. We open a bed and breakfast In Portsmouth NH and live happily ever after.

10/10 would read that book, also watch that movie. Who are we casting in these roles?

She’s gotta be a brunette, Leighton Meester or Nina Dobrev
Him- Liam Hemswoth looks like he could work in accounting.

I’m open to noted but I’m not giving up Final Cut!
I’ll need a driver and one for my assistant.
Raw bar craft services and my personal trainer needs a trailer on set.

Leighton Meester with no makeup could work! And - hear me out - maybe Patti Harrison as the best friend who tries to glam up her plain friend and is secretly in love with her just as she is. (I LOVED Patti Harrison in Together, Together).

Leighton Meester is too old to play an early 20-something woman. Now it would be Daisy Edgar Jones. Your frame of reference is 15 years late.

Agree that Leighton is too old now, but she’s always struck me as “girl next door” looking. Not necessarily in a bad way.

Like I said, I am open to notes but I do need final cut. I’ve had a crush on Leighton Meester for a while now but since she’s too old we’re going to change the male lead to a 50 year old man from a DC suburb; I think I can pull off writer, Director and actor for my first outing.
I downloaded this script writing software, read through’s start after Valentine’s Day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want to be friends with you so we can do a whole montage scene at Nieman Marcus.

You’ll shake your head and roll your eyes as the saleswoman and I bring you things, walking on sunshine will be playing, next scene shows me and the saleswoman utterly exhausted with defeat on our faces, clothes are piled everywhere; you pull back the curtain; the camera rises up from patent black stilettos, then beautiful legs, then an lbd, passing gorgeous cleavage to finally reveal your incredible face which we can finally now see because you’re not wearing your glasses.

The guy you’ve been pining for finally notices you and you start seeing him, it goes on for a while but you realize that he isn’t what you really wanted and you break up. A month later you realize that it’s me, your friend for 10 years, that you’re really in love with, we finally kiss and realize we’re all we ever needed in this world.

You give all your new clothes and shoes to your hilarious fun slutty roommate, get your new balance walking shoes out of the back of your closet, Apple Watch, flannel shirt and turtleneck are back on your body where they belong. We open a bed and breakfast In Portsmouth NH and live happily ever after.

10/10 would read that book, also watch that movie. Who are we casting in these roles?

She’s gotta be a brunette, Leighton Meester or Nina Dobrev
Him- Liam Hemswoth looks like he could work in accounting.

I’m open to noted but I’m not giving up Final Cut!
I’ll need a driver and one for my assistant.
Raw bar craft services and my personal trainer needs a trailer on set.

Leighton Meester with no makeup could work! And - hear me out - maybe Patti Harrison as the best friend who tries to glam up her plain friend and is secretly in love with her just as she is. (I LOVED Patti Harrison in Together, Together).

Patti Harrison, quirky, funny and sexy all at the same time, she’ll be perfect!