Talk to me about dating as a woman who is not “hot”

[Anonymous]

White woman in my early 20s working in the Accounting field making approximately $80k/year. Am about 5”4 and 110 lbs with brown hair. But, I am definitely not “hot.” I am hygienic and get my hair trimmed often, has braces and wear a retainer, wear light makeup but the only piece of jewelry I wear whatsoever is an Apple Watch. My favorite brands to wear are Land’s End, LL Bean, Eddie Bauer and JCrew. I wear turtlenecks and loose jeans with running sneakers outside of work. No cleavage ever.

I would rather be single than be with someone who wants me to change my style FWIW.

[Anonymous]

*had braces

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thought I’d add that most people mistake for being in my early teens based on appearance even though I do not believe I dress in a way that would make people think that. I’ve experienced that for many years.

[Anonymous]

Hot is in the eye of the beholder. You don’t sound conventionally unattractive either. Your description makes you appear to be petite which is desirable for many men (which is what I’m assuming you’re attracted to).

I’d find some Madewell or J Crew jeans that fit (relaxed or boyfriend cut since you don’t want tight) and tops that flatter you

What comes to mind when you describe yourself is homely or a bit plain. If you want to look more attractive try a new pair of jeans and a more figure flattering top. J Crew makes more form fitting turtle necks that are modern looking. Start there.

[Anonymous]

How much longer will you be wearing braces? That will make you look quite young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thought I’d add that most people mistake for being in my early teens based on appearance even though I do not believe I dress in a way that would make people think that. I’ve experienced that for many years.

Unless you're trying to attract pedos you might want to adopt a more "mature" style. If men think you're 14, they'll likely ignore you. You may not think you dress in a way to suggest you're early teens, but the evidence clearly indicates you are dressing in such a manner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much longer will you be wearing braces? That will make you look quite young.

OP here. Meant to say I had braces.

[Anonymous]

Tall, mildly ugly woman here. My advice is to smile and date people who make you laugh. It makes you attractive regardless of how "hot" you are.

For me figuring out what I wanted and my boundaries helped me filter through the people I could bond with. If you are finding no one is attracted to you, i think that is actually that you aren't finding THEM attractive (no chemistry or things in common). If you figure out what personality traits you want in a partner, it is easier to find people who you find attractive and thus will find you attractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hot is in the eye of the beholder. You don’t sound conventionally unattractive either. Your description makes you appear to be petite which is desirable for many men (which is what I’m assuming you’re attracted to).

I’d find some Madewell or J Crew jeans that fit (relaxed or boyfriend cut since you don’t want tight) and tops that flatter you

What comes to mind when you describe yourself is homely or a bit plain. If you want to look more attractive try a new pair of jeans and a more figure flattering top. J Crew makes more form fitting turtle necks that are modern looking. Start there.

OP here. The bolded is exactly how I would describe myself in terms of fashion.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I did forget to mention that I have a ton of face acne that I am still working on through dietary & topical medicine changes.

[Anonymous]

Move to New England you will fit right in.

[Anonymous]

Middle aged woman with average to below average attractiveness here. It’s going to be fine. Yes, there are a lot of men who won’t think you’re hot enough to date. When I was dating that bummed me out a lot and made me feel unworthy. All my friends got more attention than I did.

What I wish I’d internalized then is that confidence and being content and happy are SO much more important than looks. Focus on building a life you enjoy and keep up all the other stuff you’re doing for your health. Look for character above all when you’re dating: sense of humor, conscientiousness, intelligence, and build those things in yourself. I married an ugly duckling who has these in spades. He was overlooked for years in the dating market because he wasn’t a hot young man.

[Anonymous]

I want to be friends with you so we can do a whole montage scene at Nieman Marcus.

You’ll shake your head and roll your eyes as the saleswoman and I bring you things, walking on sunshine will be playing, next scene shows me and the saleswoman utterly exhausted with defeat on our faces, clothes are piled everywhere; you pull back the curtain; the camera rises up from patent black stilettos, then beautiful legs, then an lbd, passing gorgeous cleavage to finally reveal your incredible face which we can finally now see because you’re not wearing your glasses.

The guy you’ve been pining for finally notices you and you start seeing him, it goes on for a while but you realize that he isn’t what you really wanted and you break up. A month later you realize that it’s me, your friend for 10 years, that you’re really in love with, we finally kiss and realize we’re all we ever needed in this world.

You give all your new clothes and shoes to your hilarious fun slutty roommate, get your new balance walking shoes out of the back of your closet, Apple Watch, flannel shirt and turtleneck are back on your body where they belong. We open a bed and breakfast In Portsmouth NH and live happily ever after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I did forget to mention that I have a ton of face acne that I am still working on through dietary & topical medicine changes.

If you have not already tried it, may I highly, highly recommend Tretinoin. I waited until my late thirties to try it because I finally felt just too old for acne, and I could tell a difference in the first week! After 2 months, no acne and hyperpigmentation is fading. I ended up going through Apostrophe which is an online distributer, took a 20 minute quiz, and got it a few days later. One of the most productive 20 minutes of my life!

I recommend a good haircut that is flattering but not high maintenance, and as a PP mentioned, smiling a lot makes anyone attractive. A little blush and lipgloss perhaps some mascara is what the majority of women wear as makeup for a first date, but if you don't want to, the haircut will be plenty.

[Anonymous]

Few men require "hotness" as defined by women. They want someone fit. You are. They want someone who dresses in a way that indicates openness to their attention. Ditch the turtlenecks unless you are willing to pair them with skirts or fitted jeans. It does not take much to indicate openness - a bright cute top and decent jeans are plenty. Lip gloss is all the makeup you need. Smiling frequently will have a greater impact than any jewelry or heels.